The Lonely Hearts Club

  t nervously started flipping through the binder -- nothing seemed to be calling out to me. I needed something that wouldn't be difficult to sing and maybe something people would want to join in on. Nothing was looking right, so I figured I might as well go to the old standby. I flipped to the B section of the songs and started going through the Beatles, when I spotted it.

  Perfect.

  Okay, so I was no Paul, John, or George, but maybe, just maybe, I could be Ringo.

  I reluctantly got up on the stage, and as the Club began to cheer, I gave them all a glare. Traitors. My hands were shaking as I scanned the crowd -- it seemed like the entire school was here. Toward the back I saw Ryan clapping for me. I began to

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  smile until I noticed who was standing right next to him -- Missy. How could he be around her after everything that had happened?

  And, more important, what on earth was I doing up onstage?

  Jen grabbed the microphone. "Thank you all so much for coming to this fund-raiser for the team. All the profits from tonight's event will help pay for our new uniforms. So don't be shy, and come up and request your songs. Kicking off tonight's festivities is none other than Miss Penny Lane Bloom!"

  I heard cheering, but stared at the monitor, trying to control my breathing. I didn't need the lyrics to this song, but I couldn't stand to look out to the audience. There was hardly an introduction to the song, and before I knew it I was singing, asking everyone what they would do if I sang out of tune -- would they stand up and walk out on me?

  So far, no.

  Although if I kept singing, that most certainly would happen and, really, would that have necessarily been a bad thing?

  I closed my eyes and just moved back and forth as I sang the song. I looked out to the front row, Please help me. I was not only begging, I was actually singing for help. the audience started to clap along.

  I strutted over to the side where Tracy and Diane were sitting and cheering me on. I pointed to them as I continued to sing about getting by with a little help from my friends. I motioned for them to join me on the stage.

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  Diane got the hint and got up and dragged Tracy along. Morgan and Amy followed, and even Erin came up onstage -- never one to turn down a spotlight.

  We all gathered around the microphone, and the rest of the Club members got on their feet and clapped in time with the song. I grabbed the other microphone and headed out into the audience. I started dancing around with the other girls. they all started taking turns singing.

  And yes, I somehow got by with a little help from my friends. the song ended and a roar erupted from the crowd. I joined everybody back onstage and we high-fived each other. Jen was jumping up and down as a line starred to form for people to request songs.

  We heard everything from girls singing along to boy-band pop to the football team doing a very off-key rendition of "We Are the Champions." Even Morgan and Tyson did a cute duet. The Club couldn't get enough. But most important, Jen was raking in the money.

  Morgan, Eileen, Meg, and Kara finished singing "We Are Family," and we were on our feet again.

  I sat down next to Tracy and stole a chip from her bag. "Oh my God, Penny," she said.

  "Relax, Tracy, it's just a chip."

  She pointed to the stage. I saw Ryan standing up there by himself. I started to laugh -- was he trying to prove to the

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  whole school how completely imperfect he was? He looked down at me and winked.

  "What's the big deal?" I asked.

  Tracy looked at me with wide eyes. "Did you see the song he picked?" the music started and my heart dropped.

  I recognized the song instantly.

  How could I not?

  I was named after it.

  The entire Club looked over at me as Ryan started singing "Penny Lane." incredibly

  off-key. I wanted to feel embarrassed for him as he struggled with the first verse, but I was trying to control the emotion on my face as the entire room kept switching their stares from Ryan to me.

  I had to concentrate on breathing, I was so overwhelmed and touched. I couldn't believe this was happening, that Ryan would do this in front of the entire school.

  He liked me. He really, really liked me.

  And I liked him. I really, really liked him.

  I could no longer deny my feelings and tell myself that I couldn't risk the Club. How could I not want to be with someone like Ryan? How much longer was I going to fight it? How much longer was I going to lie to myself?

  The first verse ended and Ryan stepped back, looking like he knew what a mistake he'd made. It was heartbreaking in so many ways. Diane suddenly popped out of her seat to help

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  him. A second later Tracy joined him, followed by the majority of the Lonely Hearts Club. Ryan looked instantly relieved to have the backup help. I knew exactly how he felt.

  I also knew that there were going to be so many rumors after this.

  But at that moment, I didn't care. This was the single best thing a guy had ever done for me.

  Granted, "Penny Lane" wasn't a grand love song, but to me it was the most romantic gesture a person could make. the song ended, and I gave the group a standing ovation. Looking at everybody, except Ryan, I had a slight panic attack. What was I supposed to do now"? Maybe since the entire Club had joined in, people wouldn't focus on me and Ryan?

  Highly unlikely.

  Ryan got off the stage and headed over to me, "if you couldn't guess," he said, "that song was for you."

  I smiled, not knowing what exactly to say to him.

  "All right, there is only time for one last song," Jen announced. "Penny?"

  "I've, uh, got to go," I said, but squeezed Ryan's hand before I headed up.

  The last song kicked in and the entire Club was up onstage singing "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band."

  We hope that you enjoyed the show.

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  chapter thirty four

  TRACY, DIANE, JEN, LAURA, AND I walked out to the parking lot with a feeling of success.

  "You guys, we raised over three thousand dollars! People were actually giving me more money so they could move up in the line," Jen said as she held on to the envelope of cash with all her might.

  "That's fantastic, Jen -- congratulations!" Diane said.

  "Well, look who it is. Miss Penny God Damn Street!" We turned to see Todd,, with the standard coupling of Brian and Pam, Don and Audrey. Ryan was right behind him. Missy was there, too. But it was unclear whether she was with Ryan or Todd, ... or just hanging on.

  Ryan tried to grab Todd's shoulder, but he shrugged it off

  "Todd,, are you drunk?" Diane said, unimpressed.

  "Get bent, Diane." Todd, was dearly drunk, weaving between the cars. I hadn't seen him for most of the evening. I was sure I would've heard his booing during my song . . . and Ryan's.

  Ryan, once again, tried to bring Todd, back to the car, and this time Todd, pushed him. "Ryan, you're so pathetic."

  "Oh, sure, he's the pathetic one." it took me a second to realize that came from me. Todd, was suddenly in my face.

  "Stay out of it, Bauer. This is between me and the dyke."

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  I tried to pull my face away from Todd's horrible breath. "What are you even talking about, Todd,?" I asked- Ryan came over and I just snapped. "I can handle myself, Ryan." He backed away, but kept his hands in fists as if he was ready to go into action at any moment.

  Todd, just kept staring at me. "You know, just because you're so pathetic that no guy in his right mind would want to go out with you, doesn't mean you have to taint the rest of the chicks in the school,"

  "Really, if I recall correctly, there was a time when you wanted to go out with me, but I seem to have a brain that prevented it from happening. if it makes you happy, go ahead and blame me for why no girls want to go out with you." I started to back away from him, but Todd, took another step.

  "Seriously, T
odd,, you better leave her alone," Diane said as she walked over with Tracy, Jen, and Laura right behind her.

  "Oooh." He swayed in their direction and threw his arms up in mock horror. "I'm soooo scared of a bunch of girls."

  "Actually, we prefer to be called women," I said, then bit my lip. I couldn't help it, but I knew that I was only making it worse.

  Behind his shoulder, Missy was watching with a look of pure satisfaction.

  Todd, just kept swaying. "Look here --"

  "No, you look here, Todd, --" I'd had enough of his childish behavior, and I wasn't going to let him ruin our night.

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  "Maybe the reason why you haven't had a date in a while is because no girl her right mind would want to date a guy with the intellect of a four-year-old."

  He leaned into me. "Well, maybe the reason why guys keep cheating on you is because you're a self centered bitch." He

  laughed as I winced.

  "You know what? Maybe the reason why all the girls in the school are in this Club is because all of you guys are complete jerks. We d rather hang out with each other than go out with any of you! I realized I was making a generalization that included Ryan. You're such a little boy, Todd. Why don't you go back to the football field where you belong, chasing after a

  Little ball instead of trying to chose after girls who are ten times smarter than you."

  That set Todd, off completely. "You little bitch!" He grabbed my wrist hard. I felt a surge of pain as he squeezed and twisted my arm.

  I screamed out in pain as Brian and Don pulled Todd, off me. Brian pulled Todd, by the wars, "She's not worth it, man. She's totally not worth it. Come on, come on "

  Todd, shrugged Brian off and stood up straight. He gave me the finger as he walked back to his group of friends. Missy gave him a standing ovation as he returned. And I was the bitch?

  Ryan walked over to me. "Are you okay? I didn't realize he was that gone." I was shaking, and my wrist was throbbing,

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  but besides that everything was just great! I meekly nodded as the girls came over to make sure I was fine.

  Diane walked over to him. "Seriously, how can you be friends with turn, with any of them?"

  He just shrugged. "You know he's not always like that."

  "Ryan, Todd, just assaulted Penny and you're just going to go back there and pretend that everything is okay?" Diane shook her head.

  Ryan looked back at his supposed friends. "All right, let's not overreact," he countered.

  "You have got to be kidding me." I looked at Ryan in complete disbelief. "You're going to stand up for him?"

  You're on my side, I thought. You sang to me, right?

  "No, of course not. it's just. , ."

  All my frustration from the last few weeks had built up, I was so pissed, I could barely see straight.

  I turned to Ryan, heat rising in my cheeks. I could taste the acid on my tongue. He was supposed to be a friend of mine, but he was going to stand there and allow this to happen. He didn't want to create waves with his idiot best friend and disgusting teammates.

  "Wow, Ryan, how disappointing. You wouldn't want to have to stand up for yourself, now would you?"

  Ryan looked at me like I'd stabbed him. We both just stared at each other.

  I instantly regretted it.

  "I didn't mean ..." I sputtered.

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  He turned away and left me standing there, with a look of pure horror on my face.

  How could I say that to him in front of everybody?

  Tracy put her arm around me and led me to her car. "Pen, he's such a jerk, don't pay attention to anything he said!'

  "But Ryan --"

  Tracy looked confused. "I'm not talking about Ryan. I'm talking about Todd,."

  0h, right, Todd,.

  I kept replaying the conversation over and over in my head.

  "Here, put this on your wrist. I'll take care of the bed." Tracy handed me a bag of ice, took the sheet from my hand, and started to make up the air mattress on my bedroom floor. "Penny, stop beating yourself up over it. He's an idiot."

  I looked up at her. "Do you really think we've upset that many people at the school by starting the Club? First Principal Braddock and now . .."

  She shook out the sheet as it fell onto the bed. "Sit down." She sat on my bed and patted the cushion next to her. "Penny, the Club is one of the most important things that either of us has ever done. Todd, Chesney is an idiot, end of story. Don't let it ruin the success of the evening."

  I looked down at my flannel pajamas and put my knees up so my chin was resting on them, "I just don't want to be responsible for making anyone upset,"

  'Do you know what you're responsible for?"

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  I shrugged my shoulders. I didn't know what to think anymore. Every time I thought I could handle the Club and being friends with Ryan, everything fell apart.

  Tracy grabbed my shoulder so I was forced to look at her. "You're responsible for Kara being comfortable enough to talk to people about her eating disorder!'

  Kara's transformation had been remarkable. Gone were the baggy sweats, pictures of stick-thin models in her locker, and her lunch routine of picking at a salad with no dressing. Now she wore more flattering clothes, had pictures of her friends up in her locker instead of waif models, and ate with the group. She still had a long way to go, but it was a start.

  "You're responsible for the fact that Teresa kept her volleyball scholarship to UW."

  Teresa ended up acing her Calculus exam, thanks to Marta.

  "You're responsible for the fact that, for the first time in her life, Diane Monroe has her own identity. Remember what she was like at the beginning of school?"

  I pictured Diane at the diner, clearly miserable, but trying to pretend that everything was fine.

  "And now anytime you see her she's so happy to be in the Club and to have girlfriends. She's really surprised me."

  Tracy wasn't the only person Diane had surprised. I still couldn't believe that she risked her standing with Braddock to help the Club, or that she stood up to Todd, tonight. , . or to Missy after the article came out.

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  I felt my chest restrict and my eyes were starting to burn. "Those things didn't happen because of me. I can't take responsibility for them."

  Tracy got up and took my hands. "You were the one to open our eyes. You re the one that's the strongest of us all."

  My bottom lip started to quiver. "Yeah, I'm so strong."

  "Stop it Penny, Don't sell yourself short. You're the leader of the group because everybody respects you, because you're there for people, and because you're one of the greatest people I've ever known. I'm so happy to have you as my best friend. How many times do I have to tell you that?"

  Tracy hugged me, and I held her tightly.

  "Plus," she continued, "everybody is pretty much scared of me when they first meet me and Diane comes off as Little Miss Perfect, so I guess you were the lesser of three evils."

  I let go of my grasp as Tracy started to laugh, "Sorry, you know I can't help it. this is exactly why we all need you so much!"

  I sat back down on my bed and realized how tired I was. Tracy lay down on her mattress and threw the covers over herself. "Enough drama for today. I'm out."

  I turned off the lamp on my nightstand and pulled my duvet cover over me. Laughter came from below.

  "What is it?"

  Tracy giggled. "I just wish we could see Todd, tomorrow morning. He is going to be so sick. Let's hope he got sick on Missy! I'd pay to see that!"

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  I laughed for a second before I thought of Ryan. I had to figure out a way to make everything right between the two of us -- again.

  How was it that I could be part of a big group of girls, but couldn't seem to stop causing problems with one guy?

  I winced as I remembered the look on his face.

  I closed my eyes and pushed the thought away. I would deal with that to
morrow. Tonight I was going to enjoy the success of the evening. It was a great night, except for Todd, yelling at me and me yelling at Ryan.

  As I lay awake in the dark, I tried to visualize all the good things that happened tonight -- Jen raising all the money for the team, Kara's killer rendition of "I Will Survive," Diane and Tracy joining me in my song... .

  But each time I started to feel happy, Ryan's hurt face popped into my head.

  "Ow!" I exclaimed as I hit my head a little too hard, hoping that I could shake the thought loose.

  "Penny," Tracy said groggily, "are you okay?"

  No, no I'm not.

  "Yes, I'm fine. Good night."

  I really had to stop lying to my best friend.

  And myself.

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  chapter Thirty-five

  THE CLOCK WASN'T MOVING FAST ENOUGH. I had been pacing in front of my locker for what seemed liked an eternity. Granted, I was at school a lot earlier than normal. I had asked my mom to drop me off this morning so I could be this early. My stomach tightened up -- Ryan would be here any minute.

  He rounded the corner and took off his wool hat, making his hair a mess. He started to run his fingers through it to calm it, then looked up and saw me. He stopped for a second and then looked down as he approached his locker,

  "Hey ..." I said to him.

  He just nodded as he took off his puffy black winter coat.

  I knew I deserved that.

  "Ryan, I am really, really sorry about what I said. You know I didn't mean it"

  He put his backpack in his locker and started to take out his books. I wondered how long it would be before he looked at me again.

  "I know you didn't mean it," he said in a low voice, still not making eye contact. "The problem is you said it because you knew it would hurt me. Well, mission accomplished." He