The Lonely Hearts Club

  Diane was looking around. "Wow, I forgot how cool your room is." I looked around at the Beatles posters that lined my walls and the bulletin board full of old concert signs and ticket stubs. I guess it was pretty cool. Mostly it was just home.

  "Well, I'm glad I have a few minutes alone with you, because there is something that I need to tell you!' Diane sat on my bed and looked nervous.

  "there's nothing going on between me and Ryan!' I blurted out.

  "What?" Diane replied.

  I started pacing my room. "I was so miserable when I got to the party, and when he suggested going outside and getting away from it all, I just went along with it, I mean, he's a guy,

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  the enemy. Not to mention the guy who broke your heart. I would never -- and I mean never -- do anything with him."

  Diane shook her head. "I know that. I was a little surprised when I saw the two of you." She laughed. "It was a little uncomfortable, but you two have always been friends. What I really wanted to talk to you about was Tracy. You see .. , I saw Paul kissing someone else at the party."

  Uh-oh.

  "I got there with Audrey and Pam, and I needed to go to the bathroom. So I went upstairs, and I walked in on him . . ."

  Tracy was definitely going to kill the messenger for this one.

  I lay down on my bed. "this is going to be ugly!' I warned Diane. "She was really hoping he was going to ask her out."

  Diane shifted uncomfortably and started playing with the frayed end of one of my bed pillows.

  "Much better!" Tracy came barging into my room with a towel on her head and collapsed onto the bed. "Okay, time to figure out what we're going to do about the complete ass I made out of myself. I don't think Paul is ever going to ask me out now."

  Diane and I stared at each other, not sure what to say.

  Tracy looked exhausted. "Okay, okay. I know, guys, and I'm so sorry."

  What exactly did she know?

  "First." She turned to Diane. "I'm sorry I was rude to you. I've been trying to be a good and understanding friend. And I know, I know ... I shouldn't have had any beer but I gave into

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  peer pressure. I've turned into a sad after-school special, blah, blah, blah . . ," Tracy covered her face with her hands, "Just please don't tell me that Paul ended up hooking up with one of those freshman girls."

  Diane looked at me. "No, he didn't. . ,."

  Tracy sat up a little too quickly, so she had to lie back down, curling up on her side and propping her head up with her hand. "that's great. I thought I really blew it. . . ,"

  Silence. I looked over at Diane and saw the look of pure panic in her face.

  Tracy wrinkled her eyebrows. "Watt, what's going on?" She looked at the two of us. "What aren't you guys telling me? Did Paul hook up with somebody last night?"

  Diane looked at me and I shrugged my shoulders. I wanted to know who it was. Especially since that girl needed to be put into protective custody once Tracy found out.

  Before Diane could even say anything, Tracy rolled onto her stomach and put a pillow over her head. "I knew it Why would he be interested in me?"

  I yanked the pillow off her. "Tracy, that's ridiculous. I've told you time and time again that a guy would be lucky to have someonelike you in his life."

  She rolled her eyes, "What to the evs -- I want Paul Why doesn't he like me? Am I fat?"

  "Tracy! Stop that!"

  "What then?" I could see tears starting to form in the corners of her eyes. "tell me what it is and I'll change it -- my

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  hair, my eye color, my clothes, my personality. What is it about me that he doesn't like?"

  Diane hesitantly moved toward Tracy and put her hand on Tracy's shoulder. "it's none of those things. it's something you cant fix."

  Tracy sniffled and turned around to face us. "What does that mean?"

  "It means that you're not a guy," Diane said. "I walked in on him and Kevin Parker kissing!'

  Oh. My. God.

  Tracy sat up and wiped the tears away.

  "What?" She looked confused. "Who?"

  Diane shifted uncomfortably. "Paul Levine and Kevin Parker."

  Tracy stared at the ground, "You're telling me that numbers one and three on my list were making out? And that Kevin Parker, superstar jock who I've worshipped for years, is gay?"

  Diane looked scared. "I only know what I saw."

  "Well!' Tracy started shaking her head. "Well, I guess that explains it."

  I was confused. "Explains what?"

  "that everybody in school has had a boyfriend, except for me. Even Kevin frickin' Parker has a boyfriend!" Tracy started to laugh. "Oh, this is so priceless. I mean, I'm running out of guys to even put on a list, let alone date!" Tracy's smile began to fade. "I'm such a freak."

  I tried to protest, but Tracy cut me off. "Mike always has a girlfriend -- he hooked up with some Michelle chick last

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  weekend at some stupid freshman party and now they're dating. Michael and Michelle," She rolled her eyes again. "Puke!*

  "See, Tracy, this is exactly why I've given up boys entirely." I pretended to wipe my hands clean. "Done. Moving on. Not worth the trouble."

  And as if Nate could tell I was trying to move on, my cell phone went off t peered at it with hesitation.

  Tracy got up. "this is ridiculous." She flipped open my phone and read the text, "I can't believe U R being so childish. is he serious? What a jerk."

  Tracy's fingers started working my phone.

  "What are you doing?" I asked in panic. "Just delete it."

  "No -- I'm telling him what's what."

  My stomach dropped.

  I got up and tried to grab the phone from Tracy, but she hit send and snapped it shut.

  "Done. there's no harm in me telling him to go to hell, is there?"

  My phone started to ring. Of course it was him. When it stopped ringing, Tracy opened it back up and started pressing buttons. 'I'm changing his name to Jackass' and putting his ringer and indicator to silence. Maybe that will shut him up."

  "Ah, thanks," I finally managed to get out. Why couldn't Tracy bounce back like that when guys treated her like crap?

  Diane smiled. "See, Tracy -- it's pretty obvious that dating guys gives you nothing but a headache. it's so stupid -- I know

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  a couple of girls in cheerleading that are dating guys just because they want to have a date for Homecoming." Diane looked up at me. "Hey, Penny, could we go to Homecoming together?"

  "What?" I was still looking at my phone.

  "Homecoming, you . . . me?"

  "Ok Oh! Hells, yeah!"

  "Seriously," Tracy said as she got up and put my phone in my desk drawer, "I mean seriously, you guys are going to Homecoming together?"

  I turned my attention back to the Club. "Of course!" I replied. "this is what the Club is all about. We don't need dates to have fun."

  "Oh, I love it!" Diane got up and started doing her little cheerleaderly clap. "And, I'm totally going to buy you roses on Valentines Day. I'm going to make all those stupid boys jealous!" She gave me a wink.

  Tracy groaned and put her head underneath a pillow.

  "Tracy, I'm really sorry about this, and I know you aren't happy with the Club, but try to see it my way."

  Tracy emerged from the pillow. "No," she said, "I'm groaning because I'm totally giving in. Happy? is your club ready for a third member?"

  I hesitated. As much as I wanted her to be part of this, I wanted her to do it because she believed in it, not because she felt left out.

  "Are you sure?"

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  She nodded. "Yes. I mean, hey, it isn't really going to change anything for me, when you think about it."

  Diane gave Tracy a hug . . and, surprisingly, Tracy didn't punch her in the face.

  I guess this could've been considered a pretty good start.

  "to the Lonely Hearts Club!" I stuck out my hand and Tracy and Diane fol
lowed.

  "the Lonely Hearts Club!"

  I ran over to my stereo and blasted the Beatles.

  Tracy danced over to me. "So, if I have to pretend to be a Beatle, can I be Yoko?"

  She knew how to egg me on so bad. I leaned over, grabbed a pillow from my bed, and threw it at her. it hit her perfectly in the face. "Hey.'"

  Tracy chased after me as I dodged her pillows. it took Diane a few minutes to decide what to do, so Tracy took advantage of her indecisiveness and landed a pillow blow right to her abdomen. Diane looked at Tracy in complete shock.

  "Your little pom-poms aren't gonna do you any good here, Monroe," Tracy taunted. With that, Diane jumped over my desk chair and bombarded Tracy with an assault of cushions until my bedroom was destroyed.

  When Diane finally caught her breath, she said, "You have to admit -- this Club definitely isn't going to be boring."

  Tracy rolled over on her stomach. "And we haven't even gotten to the sacrificing of live goats -- and guys -- yet!"

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  chapter Thirteen

  TRIED TO GET MY BOOKS for Spanish class as quickly as possible on Monday morning, wondering how I'd be able to avoid Todd, even though we were conversation partners.

  "Chesney!" I heard Ryan call out.

  Great.

  I felt an arm wrap around my shoulders. I looked up to see Todd, smiling. "Hey there, Margarita -- how killer was Saturday night?"

  I smiled weakly at him.

  "You totally should've stayed longer."

  "Oh, yeah," Ryan replied with a smirk. "What did she miss}"

  Todd, looked down at the floor as if he was genuinely trying to remember.

  "that's what I thought." Ryan smiled and gave me a wink. "Good luck, Penny."

  Ryan headed to class, shaking his head.

  Todd, still had his arm around my shoulder, and I picked up my stride to step out of it,

  "Whoa, slow down!" Todd, put his arm around my waist. "Your boy is still recovering from the weekend."

  "Um, I actually have to talk to Senora Coles before class

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  starts about., urn, something." I took his hand off my waist and practically ran to class.

  I wondered if it would've been too subtle to wear a T-shirt that said thank you for your interest, but I am no longer dating.

  I knew Todd, wasn't a huge fan of reading, but he did like to stare at my shirts.

  "I have sort of a weird question to ask," Morgan said to me as we walked to Bio.

  "Um, okay?"

  "Have you ever asked a guy out?"

  "No, why?"

  She slowed down. "Well, I'm interested in somebody, but he's a little shy, so I don't think he'd ever make the first move."

  "Oh." So much for asking Morgan to join the Club. "Im not really the best person to talk to about guys. I've sorta given them up after, well, you know . . ."

  "Oh, right. Sorry." She bit her bottom lip.

  "that's okay. Who's the guy?" I asked as we walked into class.

  Morgan motioned to the boy sitting in the first row of the room.

  I saw senior Tyson Bellamy hunched over his chair, his hair covering his face as he furiously wrote something in his notebook.

  "Isn't he cute?" Morgan blushed. Tyson looked up toward the front of the room with an intense look on his face.

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  Even if I were interested in guys, Tyson really wasn't my type -- long black hair, super skinny, vintage rock T-shirts. Basically, he had the whole mysterious rocker thing down to a science. Besides the fact that he was a pawn for the devil (being a guy and all), he seemed right for Morgan, who was a total punk-rock fanatic. She was one of my few friends who understood the cultural importance of the Beatles.

  "Would you go to one of his concerts with me on Friday?"

  I wasn't in the mood to play matchmaker, but after all the drama with Tracy at last week's football game, I didn't mind having an excuse to not go to this week's away game,

  "Sure -- but, Morgan, I'm not going to be a good wing girl."

  She laughed. "But you're my concert buddy. You have to go with me. We don't even have to talk to any guys. Just listen to the music. then we can leave."

  Sounded like the perfect night to me.

  "So, are we going to have rules for the anti-guy Club?" Tracy asked at lunch.

  "It's called the Lonely Hearts Club!' I reminded her.

  "Uh-huh. And are we going to have to wear matching T-shirts or chastity belts or something? I can't watt to see that logo."

  "Tracy --"

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  "I think having rules or guidelines or a mantra of some sort would be fun," Diane chimed in, interrupting what could've been the Club's first official fight.

  Since the weather was still nice, we'd decided to eat outside. I leaned against a big oak tree as I ate my apple.

  Tracy sat up. "Oh, please, let me write the rules. it'll be so much fan!"

  "Fine," I said. "Do what you want. , ,"

  Tracy grabbed her notebook and started writing some suggestions. I leaned back against the trunk of the tree and closed my eyes,

  "All right, I'll put together a draft and present it at our official meeting on Saturday night!' Tracy yammered. "Sound good, boss?"

  What had I gotten myself into?

  "Hey, guys -- what's going on?" Morgan asked as she and Kara joined us.

  "It's our new Club," I said.

  Kara looked at Tracy's notebook. "the Lonely Hearts Club?"

  "the three of us have decided to not date the idiot boys at this school... or any school for that matter." I smiled.

  Morgan's eyes got wide, "You weren't kidding about having a ban on boys?"

  "Nope!"

  "I don't get it" Kara said.

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  "There really isn't much to get," I explained. "I've just had it with guys. they've done nothing but cause me, and my friends, problems."

  Diane and Tracy nodded.

  "So you really aren't going to date, ever?"

  "Not ever, just not while I'm here."

  "Oh." Kara looked down at her water. With the way she'd been treated by guys like Todd, in the past, you would've thought she'd understand.

  Morgan stared at me. "Do you hate me for wanting to go to the concert?"

  "No, not at all," I promised her. "I just meant that I wasn't the right person to encourage you to go on a date with anybody, since I'm pretty sure Tyson is probably the spawn of Satan."

  "What's wrong with Tyson?" Morgan got defensive.

  "Well, he's a guy . . ."

  Tracy spoke up. "I think they get the point, Pen."

  "Hey, Tracy," Jen Leonard called out from the next tree over. "What are you guys talking about? if you're bashing guys, I've got some stories for you."

  Tracy motioned her over. "Join us, my friend. Let our leader Penny show you the way." Tracy ...

  Jen and Amy Miller, both fellow juniors who I'd been friendly with since grade school, came over. they were

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  inseparable best friends who on the surface seemed very different. Jen was the jock, captain of most of the girls teams, and could be a little intense, while Amy was very preppy and usually had a dress or blazer on, like she was going to work in an office instead of going to school,

  Tracy excitedly filled them in on the details of the Club. Morgan and Kara just stayed silent the entire time. I'm sure they were probably wondering what they'd gotten themselves into.

  "Watt!' Amy asked. "I thought you mentioned today in Art that you're going shopping for Homecoming dresses. Who are you going to Homecoming with?"

  "Were going with each other," I explained. "We figure it will be a lot more fun than going with guys who will ditch us to talk about whatever it is that guys talk about!'

  "Jock itch!' Tracy offered with a smirk.

  Both Amy and Jen looked at each other. Amy then looked at us and said, "that sounds cool to me . . . can I join?"

  "Amy!" Jen protested. "Are you s
eriously going to decide to not date for the next two years, just like that?"

  Amy flipped her long, wavy black hair. "Please, this is such an easy decision. I've had it with all these guys at school, especially after what Brian Reed did to me in seventh grade."

  Tracy and I exchanged confused looks.

  "What did Brian do?" I asked.

  Amy's eyes widened. "You mean you don't remember? '

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  I shook my head.

  She sighed. "Well, it was a while ago. But I always think about it because nothing has changed with guys since then. I mean, they're so juvenile."

  "What happened?" Kara rejoined the conversation.

  Amy sat up. "Well, Brian and I were dating -- and I use the term dating loosely. He'd walk me home from school every once in a while, and then on Friday nights we'd go to the arcade where I watched him play video games. One day, out of the blue, he walks up to me at lunch and in front of everybody, he says, 'Roses are red. Violets are blue. Garbage gets dumped, and now so have you.' All of the stupid jerks at the jock table just sat there and laughed."

  "Oh, watt, I do remember that," Diane said softly. "Brian can be such a jerk."

  "I was traumatized all year. All the dumb jocks threw trash at me when I walked by. I still to this day have no idea what I did to deserve that. And then the other day, Brian had the nerve to talk to me, as if he hadn't completely humiliated me and ruined my entire seventh grade."

  Jen rubbed Amy's shoulder. "I had no idea it still upset you so much."

  "I was twelve -- it totally traumatized me," Amy replied, "And believe me, I'm over it now. But that started my disastrous experiences with guys. the other stories aren't even worth repeating. I'm more than happy to banish these idiots from my memory."

  Jen looked at Amy in shock. "But..."

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  Amy put her hand up to silence Jen. "Please -- look at you! You've gotten screwed over more than I have."

  "No, I--"