Craving Molly

  Three hours later, we were awake again.

  “Might as well get up for the day,” Will mumbled as he sat up and slid hid his feet to the floor. “You don’t work today?”

  “No, I’m off,” I said, as Rebel popped up and started bouncing on the mattress.

  “Got an hour before I gotta head out.” Will grabbed Rebel under the armpits and swung her up off the bed. “Go back to sleep for a bit.” He stood up from the bed as Rebel wrapped one arm around his neck and grabbed a fist full of his beard with her other hand.

  “She needs her diaper changed and breakfast, and you need to get ready,” I replied, shaking my head as I moved to get up.

  “Sleep, sugar,” Will ordered, putting a hand to my chest and shoving me gently back down. He leaned over with Rebel clinging to him like a monkey and kissed my lips lightly. “I’ll take care of Reb, and I’ll take a shower at the clubhouse.”

  He stood back up and strode out of the room, saying something quietly to Rebel. I heard his footsteps fade down the hallway as I closed my eyes again, but before I could fall asleep, his voice came over the baby monitor that we’d never turned off the night before.

  “You sleepy, princess? Yeah, me, too.” I smiled as I heard the drawers in Rebel’s dresser open and close. “We’re gonna get you dressed since your mama keeps the house so damn cold. Sound good?”

  It really wasn’t that cold.

  Will’s voice grew faint, like he’d moved away from the monitor, so I reached out of the blankets and turned the volume up a little.

  “I gotta work on an old Mustang today, which should be pretty nice. Beats working on a 1994 Mazda, you know? Those cars are shit. Don’t know if you’ll ever be able to drive, baby, but if you do? I’ll get you a good car. Something that’s built like a tank, cause if you’re anything like your mama, you’ll be running into shit left and right.”

  “Mama,” Rebel replied.

  I backed into something once. One time. And it hadn’t even been anything important—it was a stupid curb that shouldn’t have been there.

  “I can teach you all sorts of shit about cars. You gotta know how to check your oil and change your tires just in case I’m not around to help ya with that. Don’t wanna get stuck out on the road somewhere with a flat.”

  Will was quiet for a few moments.

  “It’s alright if you can’t drive, though,” he said quietly. “I’ll still teach you about cars. Maybe when you’re older, I can take you out to the garage and you can help me with shit. Show you how to change the oil and stuff so you can help your mama out.”

  “Mama,” Rebel said again.

  “Yeah, princess, your mama’s sleepin’. You’ve been keepin’ her up all night. What’s that about, huh?” Rebel giggled the way she always did when Will was tickling her ribs. “Nah, don’t pull at your ears, baby. You’re gonna hurt yourself.”

  He kept talking for a little while longer, but eventually they left Rebel’s room and I fell back asleep to the low sounds of Will making Rebel breakfast in the kitchen.

  * * *

  “I’m not sure what’s going on,” I told Rebel’s doctor later that day. Thankfully, the doctor’s office knew Reb and all of her medical history, so when I’d said that she wasn’t sleeping well, they’d gotten us an appointment right away. You really couldn’t overlook anything when dealing with a child with Down syndrome, because all of their habits and medical issues wove together into a bigger picture that we had to keep an eye on. I couldn’t just say something was a phase and would get better, because there was always a chance that there was an underlying issue that I wasn’t seeing, especially since Rebel couldn’t tell me what was wrong yet.

  “How often is she waking up at night?” Doctor Mendez asked, smiling at Rebel as she let her blow warm air on the end of her stethoscope.

  “Some nights it’s only like three times, but other nights it’s been six or seven.”

  “Whoa, so you’re really not getting any restful sleep,” the doctor replied.

  “Couldn’t you tell?” I joked, waving my arm in front of me to call attention to my sweatpants and greasy hair.

  She laughed. “Well, sometimes, kids Rebel’s age just have wonky sleep patterns. But we’ll check her out and see if we can figure out what’s happening.”

  She listened to Rebel’s heart and lungs, then pushed on her little belly, making my baby laugh and squirm. When she pulled out the little thing to check her ears, Rebel froze, then scrambled back onto my lap.

  “Mama,” she said frantically, her little fingers digging into my skin.

  “She’s talking? That’s great!” the doctor said, keeping her voice cheerful as she moved closer.

  “Just one word,” I replied, rubbing Rebel’s back. “But it’s the best one.”

  “Who knows, it might be the word that opens the floodgates,” she said, leaning down to steady Rebel’s head as she looked in her ear.

  “You think?” I asked, tightening my arms as Reb began to squirm.

  “I’ve seen it happen,” Doctor Mendez said with a nod. “All done with that ear, Rebel, can I check the other one, please?”

  We wrestled with Rebel until her head was turned far enough for the doctor to get a good look in the other ear, and my stomach rolled as Rebel whimpered against my chest. I hated when I had to make her do stuff that obviously scared her. It seemed like a trend with us, since she had to go to the doctor more often than most kids and they always seemed to have to poke and prod at her.

  “Okay, all done, Rebel.” Doctor Mendez leaned back on her little rolling stool and met my eyes. “She’s got ear infections in both ears, which is probably why she didn’t want me to touch them.”

  “Oh, crap. Again?”

  “They’re not too bad this time, but I want to take a look at her tonsils, too, before you go.” She glanced down at Rebel and gave me a wry smile. “We’ll give her a couple minutes before I bug her again.”

  We left the doctors office a half an hour later with a prescription for antibiotics and the news that Rebel needed tubes put in her ears. We’d been dealing with ear infections her entire life, and I knew that the tubes were the next line of defense against them, but that didn’t calm my panic. They were going to have to use general anesthesia for the procedure, and people with Down syndrome were notoriously sensitive to anesthesia.

  I tried not to think about all the things that could go wrong, but it didn’t work. I was freaking out.

  I’d dealt with Rebel’s medical issues her entire life, and honestly, we were lucky. She’d never had to have invasive surgery or even an IV before, and I knew that there were a ton of kids in the world that went through those things on a daily basis for their entire lives. I was a nurse. I’d seen them.

  However, those children weren’t my children.

  I needed someone to tell me it was all going to be okay. I needed my dad.

  I put Rebel in the car and got into my seat, calling my dad before I’d even put the key in the ignition.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, Dad. Want to have dinner tonight?” My voice wobbled a little.

  “What’s wrong?” he barked, and I could hear him shuffling something in the background.

  “Nothing. We’re fine.”

  “Something’s wrong,” Dad argued.

  I glanced in my rear view mirror at Rebel, whose head was already listing to the side as she fought to stay awake. “Reb needs tubes in her ears,” I said quietly.

  “We knew this was coming, right?” he said gently. “Just a matter of when.”

  “Yeah, but the anesthesia—”

  “Come on over to the house,” he said, cutting me off. “I’ll head home now and meet you there.”

  “We can just come over later,” I said, dropping my head back against the seat.

  “Nah, come now. I’m done for the day anyway.”

  I laughed a little as he hung up the phone before I could argue further. He’d been pulling that move for as long as I
could talk. If he was done with a conversation or didn’t want me to argue with him, he just hung up the phone or changed the subject so he didn’t have to hear it.

  * * *

  “Your grandpa isn’t a jungle gym,” I told Rebel after dinner that night as she stood on my dad’s thighs, trying to get a knee up on his shoulder so she could climb all over him.

  “She’s fine,” Dad said with a laugh, smoothly setting Rebel back on the floor so she could climb her way back up again. “So what’s the news with the tubes?”

  I pulled my legs up so I was curled into his recliner, and sighed. “The doctor wants to do them next Thursday, as long as the antibiotics have cleared up the infection. So I’ll take her into the office on Wednesday to check them, then to the hospital on Thursday morning.”

  “What did she say about putting Reb under?”

  “That the anesthesiologist knows what he’s doing and she’d trust him with her kids.”

  “Ok, then. What’s got you worried?”

  “Everything. Reb’s going to hate the IV. She won’t understand what’s happening and I’m afraid she’s going to be scared. I’m worried that she’ll have a bad reaction to the medicine they give her. I’m worried that she’ll wake up and I won’t be there. I’m worried about everything.”

  “It’s okay to be worried, kid,” Dad said, setting Rebel on the floor again as she tried to get her knee on his shoulder. “There’d be something wrong with you if you weren’t. But you can’t let it make you crazy. You’re not making Reb get a tattoo or pierce her ears, you’re making her get tubes in her ears so those ear infections don’t mess with her hearing. You have to do it. There isn’t a choice here.”

  “That doesn’t make it easier.”

  “Nah, it doesn’t. But necessary, yes.”

  Dad growled at Rebel and tossed her into the air, the muscles in his tattooed forearms flexing as he caught her. I took a deep breath as I watched them, calm settling over me like a warm blanket. I knew the feeling was temporary, but I still let myself relax into the chair.

  My mind had been racing all afternoon with possible reasons I could ask the doctor to hold off on the surgery, and I think that may have been fueling my panic. Trying to find just one excuse to back out had made everything worse, but listening to my dad as he mentioned that the surgery wasn’t a choice had lifted that burden from my shoulders. He was right. Rebel needed the surgery. No matter how I felt about it or how scared I was, putting tubes in her ears would stop the pain of the ear infections she’d been getting for as long as I could remember.

  My phone rang on the arm of the chair and I snatched it up as soon as I saw Will’s name on the display.

  “Hello?” I answered.

  “Hey, sugar. Where are you? I’m at the house and you’re not,” Will said.

  “Oh, shit. Sorry, I forgot to tell you we were having dinner at my dad’s.”

  “No worries,” he said easily. “Doctor figure out what’s going on with the baby girl?”

  “Yeah,” I glanced up and found my dad watching me from across the room. “She’s got ear infections in both ears.”

  “Ah, shit. Poor thing. They give you meds for it?”

  “Yeah—hey, can I call you back?” I said uncomfortably as my dad continued to stare.

  “Sure. Let me know when you’re headed home and I’ll meet you here.”

  “Okay.” I hung up the phone, pulling my dad’s move without a thought.

  I set my phone carefully on the arm of the chair before meeting my dad’s eyes.

  “Who was that?” he asked, sitting Reb next to him on the couch.

  “Will,” I answered, lifting my chin.

  “Thought you were done with that.”

  “We’ve been seeing each other for a while,” I replied as his eyes tightened in anger.

  “Thought I told you to stay away from the Aces.”

  “I thought I told you that I’m an adult and I can see anyone I want.”

  “You’re bringing Rebel into that life?” he asked glancing at her. “You think that’s what Mason would want?”

  “Mason’s dead,” I replied flatly. “And you didn’t like him much when he was alive, so I’m not sure why you’d bring him up.”

  “Yeah, you’ve obviously never given a shit what I say.”

  “Will’s good to me,” I said softly, getting to my feet. “He’s sweet to Rebel and he acts like I’m the best thing he’s ever seen.”

  “He’s neck deep in Aces shit,” Dad replied in frustration, climbing to his feet, as well. “He’s a fucking criminal. He’s been arrested half a dozen times.”

  “I don’t see that!” I said, my voice rising. “He’s not like that with me.”

  “He’s like that all the goddamn time, Molly Ann! You can’t just shut that shit off. That’s his life.”

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” I ground out, moving toward Rebel’s bag at the end of the couch. “And I’m not arguing with you about it.”

  “Those people will pull you into the gutter with them, is that what you want?” Dad asked as I picked Rebel up.

  “You tell me, Dad,” I mumbled, meeting his eyes. “You’ve been working for them for twenty years, what’s it like in the gutter?”

  He didn’t move. Not a single muscle. But I think that was the closest my dad ever came to hitting me. He was furious beyond anything I’d ever seen.

  I turned and walked away before things got any worse.

  “I’ll be here when it’s over,” Dad called as I reached the front door. “When he fucks you over or gets you into something that scares you, I’ll be right here.”

  I slammed the door behind me when I left.

  * * *

  “Hey,” I mumbled that night as I opened the door for Will. “Sorry about earlier.”

  “No problem. Reb sleepin’?” He wrapped an arm around my shoulders and shut the door behind him as he backed me farther into the house.

  “Yeah. I gave her some pain medicine for her ears, so hopefully she’ll stay asleep longer tonight.” I rubbed my forehead with the tips of my fingers, sighing. “I know she gets ear infections. I feel like the worst mother ever for not realizing that she had another one.”

  “How would you know?” he asked, shrugging out of his leather vest and tossing it over the back of the couch. “Not like she coulda told you.”

  “Yeah, but the pulling on her ears thing, and the not sleeping, and the foul mood should’ve given me an idea,” I replied ruefully as he unlaced and pulled off his boots.

  “Well, you know now, right?”

  “Yeah.” I smiled as he stood back up and moved toward me. The minute he reached me, his hands went around my back and he was gripping my ass, lifting me until my legs wrapped around his waist.

  “She’ll take her meds and be good as new. Good thing, too. I’m used to not gettin’ much sleep, sugar, but I was startin’ to feel like a zombie.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said quietly as he reached over to make sure the door was locked, then turned and started walking toward my bedroom. “You don’t have to stay here every night.” I rubbed my lips along the edge of his ear, and felt a small sense of satisfaction when I felt him suck in a quick breath. He loved it when I put my lips on his ears and neck, those were his sweet spots.

  “You kickin’ me out?” he asked with a chuckle as he walked us through my bedroom doorway.

  “No.” I leaned back and looked into his eyes, wrapping my arms completely around his neck. “But you don’t have to stay if you don’t want to.”

  “Wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be,” he replied softly, leaning forward to kiss me gently. “What’s wrong?”

  My face contorted and I dropped my head as I felt the tears I’d been fighting all night flood my eyes. All it took was one softly worded question and I wanted to sob like a baby.

  “Molly?” Will asked again, one of his arms rising to wrap tightly around my back. “What the hell?”

>   “Sorry,” I choked out, trying to get my shit together. “Sorry.”

  “Quit apologizing and tell me what the fuck is wrong.” He dropped onto the bed and ran his fingers through my hair.

  “They have to put tubes in her ears,” I finally replied when I knew my voice wouldn’t break.

  “That’s what’s got you all upset? Shit, sugar. Both my brothers had that done when they were kids. Not a big deal.”

  “It’s different for kids with Down syndrome,” I argued, raising my head from his shoulder. My voice grew panicked and the words tumbled out of my mouth quickly. “They have issues with anesthesia and Rebel’s never had to have anything invasive done. We don’t know if she has allergies or if she’s extra sensitive or—”

  “Baby, stop,” Will ordered, his hand tightening in my hair. “It’s gonna be fine. Her doctor wouldn’t do it if he thought it was gonna go bad, right?”

  “Her doctor is a woman,” I replied stupidly.

  “Alright, she wouldn’t do it if she thought it was gonna go bad,” Will said patiently.

  “But what if she’s scared?” I asked, my voice catching. “I don’t want her to be scared.”

  “Moll,” Will whispered tenderly, pulling my head down to run his lips over mine. “It’s gonna be fine, baby. I promise. She won’t be scared, she’ll be out. They’re not gonna do anything when she’s awake.”

  I nodded even as I started to bawl. I didn’t want to go through with it. Maybe I was being ridiculous, but I was still scared out of my mind.

  “Jesus,” Will mumbled, moving us so that we were lying down on the bed. “You’re fuckin’ exhausted and it’s makin’ everything bigger than it is.”

  “So many things could go wrong,” I whimpered as he pulled me tighter against his chest. “What if—”

  “Enough,” he ordered gruffly, pulling the blankets over us. “You’re not playin’ the what if game tonight. You need some fuckin’ sleep. You still wanna play that game with me tomorrow, I’ll be all ears.”

  I cried against his chest as he shushed me, but I couldn’t seem to get it under control. Realistically, I knew that the surgery would probably go off without a hitch. Will was right, it was a simple procedure. However, that truth did nothing to stem my panic.