Up in a Heaval

  "I'm glad Professor Grossclout is investigating. I think he's a wonderful person, regardless of what Metria thinks. He knows so much he fairly radiates power of intellect. I wish I could really be in one of his classes."

  They nodded; they were impressed too.

  Grossclout reappeared; exactly one moment had passed. "The answer to the hazard of the Red Spot is not here. But continue your effort; the mission is important."

  "Uh, thank you, sir," Umlaut said.

  "You did well in class. Since you may not be graded or promoted for that, not being a registered member, I am minded to do you a favor. What would you like?"

  "Oh, I wasn't looking for—"

  "I am aware of that. Your head is not entirely filled with mush. Ask."

  "I—I want to exist. I mean, if I don't. So I can be with Surprise."

  Professor Grossclout considered. "That may be more of a challenge than you understand. I will see what I can do."

  "Thank you, sir. I—"

  But the professor was gone. Rather, the four of them were gone from Grossclout's domain. They were back at the ParaDice islands, standing at the shore, and Para was paddling across to meet them. He looked happy, though Umlaut wasn't sure how a boat conveyed happiness. It must have been a nice visit.

  "Uh, you can remain here, if you want," Umlaut said.

  But the boat wanted to help them complete their mission first. That was fine with Umlaut.

  Chapter 13

  Ogrets

  Now he had to deliver the next letter. Umlaut decided that trying to make decisions wasn't working very well, so he simply grabbed the next one in the pile. It said TANDY NYMPH.

  "Who is Tandy Nymph?" he asked. "One of the folk at the Faun & Nymph Retreat?"

  Sammy leaped out of the boat and bounded across the greensward, “Wait for us!" Umlaut called. Naturally the cat ignored that. But he had a new strategy. He turned to Claire, who remained in the boat. "Can you do something? We can't keep up with him through this jungle." For the forest was indeed a jungle in this region.

  Claire poked her chin over the gunwale. "Mew," she said faintly.

  Sammy screeched to a halt, looking abashed, allowing them to catch up. Then he proceeded at a more sedate pace, and Para followed without difficulty,

  It was amazing what impression a lady could make on a man. Or a queen on a torn, or whatever.

  That reminded him of Surprise Golem. "Surprise," he breathed, longing for her nearness.

  "Oh, there you are," she said, appearing in the seat opposite him. She wore a nice blue dress and looked just utterly completely perfect.

  "Surprise!" he exclaimed gladly, grabbing for her hand. But his hand passed right through hers. That brought him to as much of a halt as Sammy had recently made. "What?"

  She laughed, and her hair flared. "I'm here in astral projection. You can see me and hear me, but you can't touch me. A girl can't be too careful, you know."

  He caught on. "Oh, Surprise, you're using one of your talents! But won't you lose it?"

  "Yes, but it's worth it, to be with you a while. After all, one day we will be betrothed."

  "Oh, Surprise," he repeated, melting into goo.

  "I sneaked out to the edge where there is magic and went astral and looked for you, but I couldn't find you until you said my name. Names are potent."

  "I was longing for your company," he confessed. "But I didn't think I could have it. I mean, even if I could return to Euphoria, your folks wouldn't let me be with you."

  "We had a real session after you left," she agreed. "Stern as stern could be. But I tolerated it."

  "They don't like me."

  "They don't dislike you," she said seriously. "It's just that they're parents and I'm a teen. They don't want me dating or even meeting any boy, and when I come of age, they still won't admit that any boy is good enough for me. That's the way parents are; it's in their specifications."

  "But then why are you here? I mean, I'm so glad you are, but—"

  "That's the way teens are. We never pay much attention to idiotic parental restrictions. Where would they be, if they had listened to their parents? I wouldn't even exist."

  The very notion appalled him. "You had to exist, so I could meet you!" Then he thought of something else. "But I thought Grundy was a golem. So he never had parents."

  "Yes, of course. He was made, not delivered. But later he managed to become real. It's a long story he'll be glad to bore you with some time. And Rapunzel was raised alone in an ivory tower. But when they joined the dread Adult Conspiracy they learned all about parenting; I think it comes in the same manual with summoning the stork. So it's the same. Anyway, here I am, for a while. Let's not argue."

  "Oh, Surprise, I couldn't argue with you!" She frowned. "Oh? Who would you rather argue with?"

  "Well, the Demoness Metria, for one."

  "While she tries to freak you out by showing her naughty panties? I should think you would think more of me than that." Her expression was severe.

  He stared at her, baffled. "I, uh—oh, Surprise, if I said something wrong, I'm sorry! Please forgive me. I don't want you to be mad at me."

  She laughed. "I'm teasing, you dope! The same way my parents tease each other. I'm glad you don't want to argue with me. And after we're betrothed, I may even show you my panties."

  "You've got panties?" he asked, flustered. And knew he had fouled up yet again. "I mean you're such a nice girl—"

  "And nice girls don't have panties?"

  "I, uh, don't know." He was blushing.

  "They have naked bottoms?"

  Umlaut's flush chased his blush across his face. "Uh—"

  "You're just an endless bundle of embarrassment, aren't you!" She leaned forward and kissed him, though there was no touch. "You were so polite, never even trying to look, I knew you were decent."

  "I just didn't have the wit to think of it," he said, still flustered. His wits were not sharp at the best of times, and in her presence, astral or not, he was hopelessly klutzy.

  She began to fade. "Oops, I'm fading," she said. "I can't stay. My astral power is exhausted, and I'll never have it again. Kiss me quickly!"

  He tried to, but his face passed right through hers, to his dismay.

  "Gotcha again," she said merrily as she disappeared.

  "You've got me, all right," he agreed as he settled back. Then he looked around. Sesame and Claire were watching him understandingly. They evidently knew how women handled men, and approved.

  Meanwhile Para was running swiftly after Sammy, and the jungle was passing just about as rapidly behind. Umlaut hoped Tandy Nymph was close; the day was getting late. He brought out the letter and read it.

  Dear Tandy,

  ARJAYESS ME

  TANDY SHE

  TO KNOW FRIEND

  SO LETTER SEND

  WORLDS UNITE

  ATTEMPTS TO WRITE

  WISH YOU NEAR

  SO VERY DEAR.

  Hi. I thought I would begin this with a form of communicating you must be familiar with, having ogres as family through marriage.

  If you have recently spoken with Breanna, Irene, or Jenny, you will know of me.

  I began these letters in the frozen season—winter. Now it is spring, the time of new birth. Many baby animals are being born (as well as human ones, I am sure—it is a very busy time for the storks). Leaves are opening on trees, flowers blooming everywhere, and our sun has returned, bringing with it many species of birds. Two in particular are my favorites. I make flower gardens and need earthworms to enrich the soil. I am always amused when the robber birds with their brilliant red breasts come back to take my worms. Whenever I see one pouncing on a worm, we have a pretend argument with me scolding them for stealing my worms. Truly, though, I do not begrudge them the food for their babies.

  The other one I am happy to see returned is the hover bird. They are very small, averaging only about three inches, and build nests around half the size of a human's thumb. Hover birds f
lap their wings so rapidly that it creates a curious humming sound. I provide their preferred food to attract them, as watching them zip here to there is a great source of joy to me. Compared to the size of your harpies and rocs, our hover birds are like precious flying jewels. Your mother would love them.

  It is time to go outdoors and start my morning. I like to see how many hover birds and robbers I can count each day.

  Have a sunny day, Tandy. I hope Fracto is elsewhere.

  Your friend, Arjayess

  Umlaut considered that. He wasn't sure what the word born meant but guessed it was another term for the stork's deliveries. The creatures named were strange, but of course the letter was from Mundania, said to be a very strange place. He did not see anything in the letter to annoy anyone, let alone make the recipient try to destroy Xanth. So this one was safe, it seemed.

  Unfortunately, it also gave him no clue how to abate the menace of the Red Spot. He was beginning to wonder whether any of the letters really would do that. So far he had gone to several interesting places and met several interesting folk, and seen Sesame, Sammy, and himself find worthwhile partners. Even Para Boat had found a nice place to return to. So in that sense the mission had done several folk some good. But it hadn't solved the big problem.

  He put away the letter. "Do you know Tandy Nymph?" he asked

  Sesame and Claire. Both shook their heads. Sesame didn't know many humanoid landbound folk, and Claire's voyance did not seem to operate at a distance. Ah, well, he would find out soon enough.

  They came to a region of moderate hills. The trees cleared back to give the hills room, and smart little breezes came in to play. It was pleasant, as many areas of Xanth tended to be. Soon they passed a sign that said ZEPHYR HILLS. That explained it; this was where the zephyrs, the cute little winds, lived. Probably when they grew bigger and stronger they would go out and become less cute blow-hards.

  But now it was really getting dark, and they had not eaten since he remembered not when. "We'd better camp for the night," he said. "Sammy, if you care to find a good place—"

  Sammy glanced back at Claire, who nodded agreement. He took off at an angle, and soon they came to a nice little valley. Indeed, a sign said PEARL VALLEY. Umlaut looked around but didn't see any pearls.

  They came to a large old house. An old woman emerged. "Have you travelers come to spend the night?" she inquired as Sammy rubbed against her legs.

  "Uh, yes," Umlaut said. "I thought there might be a campsite, with pie trees and a spring."

  She laughed. "Not here. But I have many rooms, and home-baked pies, and jugs of good well water, and a lava tree. Will those do?"

  Umlaut glanced at Claire, who nodded. This was a suitable place. "Uh, yes, sure. We don't want to put you to much trouble. We're sort of a mixed group."

  "No trouble at all. I like having company, if only for a night. I am Pearl Valley."

  "Uh," Umlaut started, but ran out of words. He found some new ones in half a moment, fortunately. "I thought the sign meant—I was looking for pearls."

  Pearl laughed more thoroughly. "That's my sign, so travelers can find my house. And this is my companion, Sheba. She is cautious about cats but will get along if you are polite." She glanced at Sesame. "What is it you eat?"

  "Not dogs!" Umlaut said quickly.

  "That's good. Sheba came from Mundania the same time I did, so we get along. She's what is called there an Australian shepherd. Some cruel Mundanian cut off her tail, but that did not sour her nature. Come on in." She glanced at Para. "I do have a quack pond out back." Para brightened. His father had been a quack, his mother a dream boat; quack ponds were ideal.

  Soon they were in the house, and Pearl was right: There were excellent fresh pies and much else to eat and drink. Sheba was friendly with Umlaut, diffident about the cats, and quite cautious about Sesame. But overall it was a good night. The lava tree was especially nice; it grew toilets that filled with lava after use and became tree stumps, and there were washbasins filled with water. The lava tree's trunk had flat shiny facets that enabled Umlaut to see himself, making sure he was clean.

  "I could get used to a place like this," he confided to Sesame.

  It did seem nice, for his kind, she agreed in Serpentine. She would rather go swimming with Soufflé.

  That reminded him of Surprise. "I think I'm in love."

  They all were, she suggested. That much they had gained from the letters, even if they didn't save Xanth.

  That was perhaps an odd way to put it, but he had to agree. "I am better off for having come to know you too."

  Thank you. She kissed his ear. Umlaut felt guilty for wishing it had been Surprise doing that.

  Well fed and rested, they thanked Pearl and Sheba, and set off again next morning. "I hope you are not going too close to the Region of Madness," Pearl said. "We passed through it, but I don't recommend it for travelers."

  "We have to deliver a letter to Tandy Nymph." She shook her head.

  "I don't know that name. There are some ogres there, though; beware of them."

  "Ogres!" Umlaut had emulated one on occasion but wasn't eager to meet one personally. "We'll try to be alert for them."

  But Claire was shaking her head. Umlaut dreaded to think what that might mean, so he didn't inquire.

  The scenery became somehow different. Umlaut wasn't sure what bothered him about it, as there was nothing obvious. Maybe it was the way the trunks of the trees were turning purple, while the foliage became iridescent. Possibly it was the little animals walking along on their ears while waving their legs in the air.

  Then he saw one of the convenient little signs: BEWARE: REGION OF MADNESS. So this was that dread region Pearl had warned them about. And Sammy was leading them right into it.

  Well, how bad could it be? They had already been through some pretty odd regions, after all.

  They came to a gully traversed by what seemed to be a huge spiderweb. Fortunately Sammy was leading them along the ridge beside it, rather than into it. Umlaut watched as they passed it. He saw that each gust of wind caused the web to ripple, making waves like those of the sea. Then he saw spiders riding little boards on those waves. What was the point of that?

  He looked at Claire, and soon he had the answer: Those were web surfers. Well, that wasn't any madder than the rest of this region.

  Something charged at them from the side. It was big and fierce, reminding him of a bear, though he had never before seen a bear. Yet there was something odd about it. Para veered away from it— into the big web. Suddenly they were tangled in the endless mesh of the web, to the vast annoyance of the spiders. Then they dropped on through it into the gully, trailing sticky lines.

  Meanwhile the bear leaped after them—and also fell into the surfing web, messing up more of it. The spiders, already annoyed, got really mad at this second disruption. They swarmed over the bear, trussing it up with endless web lines. It couldn't escape because, oddly, it wasn't as solid as the boat had been. It seemed to be made of lines rather than firm flesh.

  Then a dim bulb flashed, and he understood. "It's a thread bear!" he exclaimed, laughing. Just the kind of creature to be found in a place like this.

  Claire looked disdainfully at him. Hadn't that been obvious?

  But now they were down in the gully, and the surfing web was above. They couldn't get out without breaking through it, and the spiders would really be enraged if that happened a third time.

  The gully ended, but not the web; it stretched rhythmically across the top, sealing it neatly off. The spiders, having repaired the breaks, were surfing again. There were hundreds of them, and every so often several glanced down, almost daring the folk below to mess with the web again. It was clear that web surfers did not like holes in their program.

  Para came to a halt. What now?

  Umlaut realized that Sammy remained outside. He suffered a rare flash of genius. "Sammy, find help!"

  They saw a stir of leaves as the cat took off. Now most of what the
y had to do was wait. The rest of what they had to do was worry. Sammy's talent was unerring, but this was the Region of Madness, and that could complicate things.

  Soon, however, Sammy returned with two children. "Hi!" the boy called down through the web.

  "Hi," Umlaut answered.

  "Lo!" the girl called.

  "Lo," Umlaut answered.

  "I'm Epoxy Ogre," the boy said. "I'm eleven. I make things hard and fast."

  An ogre! Umlaut wanted to avoid those awful creatures. But maybe ogre children weren't as bad. "I'm Umlaut. My talent is emulation."

  "I'm Benzine Brassie," the girl said. "I'm his identical twin sister. I make things soft and loose."

  He was an ogre and she was a brassie, but they were identical twins? Something didn't quite add up here, but Umlaut didn't have time to worry about details. "Can you help us get out of here without annoying the spiders?"

  They considered. "I could make the web brittle hard, but the web surfers wouldn't like that."

  "I could make it squishy soft, but they wouldn't like that, either."

  Together they formed a conclusion: "No."

  Then why had Sammy brought them? Umlaut suppressed his burgeoning ire and tried again. "Do you know anyone who might help?"

  They considered. "How about our big brother, Brusque?" Epoxy asked.

  "What does he do?"

  "He makes things hard and heavy or soft and light," Benzine said.

  "Isn't that the same as your two talents?"

  "No," Epoxy said. "I make things hard but not heavy."

  "And I make things soft but not light."

  This didn't seem entirely helpful. "Maybe you should fetch him." An older brother might have a better grasp of the situation.

  They departed, and Umlaut settled down to wait with the others. So far this did not seem to be going well.

  Footsteps approached. "Hello!" a deeper voice called. "I am Brusque Brassy. How can I help you?" A somewhat coppery figure of a young man stood there.

  "You can get us out of here," Umlaut replied as evenly as he could manage.

  "All right. We'll work together." He bent over to touch the web with one finger.