Up in a Heaval

Claire and Sesame nodded. That made sense to them.

  Sammy set off again, looking doubtful. But at least they had a direction. If it didn't work, Umlaut would try to think of something else.

  And there in the path was Tacy, the girl who couldn't speak Xanthian. "Get out of the way, Metria!" Umlaut shouted.

  She looked blankly at him. "Xibu?"

  Umlaut opened his mouth, but Claire caught his eye. "You mean she's real this time?" The cat nodded.

  Acting on a ludicrous hope, he gestured the girl into the canoe. She joined him there.

  "Maybe Com Pewter can help you," he said. "At least temporarily. And maybe someone else can. See if you can say the word Surprise. Can you say that?"

  He drilled her in that one word, and finally she managed to say it, though obviously she did not understand it. "Surprize."

  Then a puzzled expression crossed her face. "It's all right?" she asked and nodded as if hearing an answer.

  "Who are you?" Umlaut demanded.

  She looked at him. "This is Tacy. She can't speak Xanthian."

  "Can't speak what?"

  "Xanthian. It's her negative talent. She hates it but can't seem to do anything about it. She said it was all right for me to borrow her body for a little while. I'm Surprise."

  She hadn't gone into the confused-word routine, so it wasn't Metria this time. Still, he wanted to make sure. Metria, being all magical, had not been able to go into the unmagical region where he had met Surprise. That meant she was unlikely to know the details of what had happened there. "How did we meet?"

  She smiled. "You were walking along staring at the ground. I think you were looking for someone my parents' size. You didn't see me at all. I said 'Hello,' and you jumped. Then you didn't believe my name."

  "It really is you!" he exclaimed, gratified.

  "Who else would it be?"

  "The Demoness Metria. She pretended to be you. She wanted to kiss me."

  "So do I."

  "But she was trying to distract me from delivering the letters. And when I asked her why, she said she loved her son and faded away. I'm trying to figure that out."

  "I have an ugly idea why."

  "What is that?"

  "Maybe someone threatened Ted if she didn't stop the letters."

  And that suddenly made sense. It explained the demoness's curious reaction and fading out: She couldn't tell about the threat, lest her child suffer. But who or what could successfully threaten a demoness?

  "Are you going to kiss me?" Surprise asked. "I can't stay much longer."

  "I can do that? I mean, it's all right with Tacy?"

  "We made a deal. You kiss each of us once."

  "But you're the only one I want to kiss."

  "There is a price on it. She says there is something about you." She winked. "As if I didn't know that. So kiss me, then kiss her. I promise not to be insanely jealous."

  He didn't argue further. He embraced her and kissed her, and she kissed him back. "Just crazily jealous," she said. But she smiled; it was another tease. Then her body changed subtly, and he released her.

  "Nz Uvso?"

  He wasn't sure of her words but understood her query. He kissed Tacy similarly and knew that she was indeed a different person. The kiss was quite unlike the first. That, oddly, confirmed the authenticity of the first one. And that first one had been far superior.

  They rode on. Umlaut brought out the letter and read it.

  Dear Com Pewter,

  As the source of knowledge in Xanth, this is a short note of inquiry to you requesting some information. For some time now we in Mundania have pondered the problem of how to*********. It is my understanding that in Xanth, with the help of magic, you are able to ^^^^^^^^^^^.

  Please excuse the appearance of this letter #########. Here on Earth, and specifically in Mundania, I battle with an affliction of killer headaches. We call them migraines.

  Thousand of tiny imps have taken up residence in my brain and let loose a swarm of nickelped......who seem bent on destroying it by inflicting as much pain as poss----------. White-hot lights perform a macabre dance behind the eyeballs, and stomach contents refuse to stay where they belong. I have often considered the option of screaming my head off—if it was detached the pain level would be more tolerable.

  Please send the requested information ASAP. Thank

  )()()(>.

  En route to oblivion now . . .

  Sincer= = = = = , Arjayess

  "My grain!" Umlaut exclaimed. "We have that in Xanth. How can they have it in Mundania, without magic?"

  Nevertheless, it appeared to be so. Meanwhile the letter seemed safe enough. He was beginning to wonder whether any of them were actually dangerous. Yet that one to Demon Jupiter obviously had been.

  Meanwhile, it seemed that Sammy's reverse-seeking tactic was working. They were moving right along, presumably in the correct direction now. The trip was beginning to consider becoming slightly dull. Sesame and the cats were taking a snakenap and two catnaps. He wished he could do the same.

  He discovered himself slumped against Tacy, who was holding him upright. He must have fallen asleep. He straightened up in a hurry, embarrassed. "I—uh, I'm sorry."

  "Uibu't bmm sjhiu."

  He had forgotten about her language problem, but her tone indicated that she wasn't offended. She must have caught him when he nodded off, and it must have been a while, because now they were approaching the Gap Chasm.

  Para headed right up to the brink. "What are you doing? We'll fall in!" But then the boat ran out over the edge and didn't fall. Umlaut stared, wondering what was happening.

  "Jowjtjcmf csjehf," Tacy said. She gestured, forming the outline of a bridge.

  "A bridge!" he exclaimed. "That we can't see."

  She surely did not understand his words but got his meaning. "Zft."

  "That's a relief."

  Sesame and the cats found the chasm as intriguing as Umlaut did, and they all stared down at its immense emptiness. The walls were almost sheer, and the bottom was flat with trees growing. Overall it seemed to be another world, a nice one- A few small harmless clouds hung partway down, enjoying it also- This was perhaps the only place in Xanth where a cloud could sink below ground level yet still be safely in the air. He was glad Para had known about the invisible bridge. And Tacy.

  That sent him on another thought, as they reached the north side and visible land. He had nodded off, and instead of complaining, Tacy had held him up. He had kissed her; did she have the wrong idea? No, she had accepted Surprise as a visitor, so she knew how he felt. So she was just being companionable. Probably because she was not a fouled-up person, just a fouled-up speaker.

  In due course they came to a valley with a number of crushed trees. This was not the work of an ogre; they weren't twisted into pretzel shapes but were pressed into the ground as if stepped on. But what could squish a full-grown tree flat?

  Then he heard a distant stomping that rapidly approached. The others heard it too. "Uif jowjtjcmf hjbou!" Tacy exclaimed.

  "Whatever it is, I don't like it," Umlaut said. "I don't want to be squished flat."

  Para scooted into the entrance of a dark cave. Then they came to a lighted chamber, where a rather junky contraption sat, with a vertical flat screen. Words printed on it: GREETINGS.

  "Com Pewter!" Umlaut exclaimed, getting out of the boat. "I have a letter for you."

  A troll approached. "I am Com Pewter's mouse, Tristan Troll. I will handle the letter."

  "You don't look like a mouse," Umlaut said.

  "It is a term for a special service," Tristan explained. "Pewter does not move about himself, so I perform physical tasks." He opened the letter and held it before the screen.

  SEND ARJAYESS AN EEEE-MAIL the screen printed.

  "Now, sir, that would not be nice," Tristan told the screen. "The Eeee is such an ugly creature, and its Eeee-mail makes recipients scream in rage or agony."

  PRECISELY.

  "Surely we
can do better for her than that. She is evidently a nice person, for a Mundane. We can't in conscience allow her to suffer longer."

  YOU HAVE TOO MUCH #### CONSCIENCE, TROLL.

  "Of course," Tristan agreed complacently. "Shall I summon a search engine from the Electri-City to range the Information Highway for a suitable answer for her?"

  44 4 ft $$$$.

  That was a bad word. Pewter was being mean.

  "Thank you, sir. I will get right on it." The troll went into a backroom cave to attend to it.

  It occurred to Umlaut that this was a rather noble troll. He wondered how he had come to serve the evidently disreputable machine.

  WHY ARE YOU HANGING AROUND, BOATLOAD OF BAGGAGE?

  It would be possible to dislike the machine, if one put one's mind to it. Of course Umlaut had delivered the letter, despite Demoness Metria's distraction. Still, there were a couple of things. "We had some trouble locating you, though Sammy Cat can find anything except home. I wondered whether there was some contrary magic involved."

  THE DEMONESS METRIA DARED ME TO REVERSE MY LOCATION MARKER.

  That explained that. So Metria had tried more than one way to interfere with the delivery of this letter. First by messing up Sammy's search, then by distracting Umlaut when he was about to notice. In the process, it had involved another person, Tacy. So he had to try to do something about that.

  "We have in our number a person who can't speak Xanthian. I wondered whether with your power to change reality in your vicinity, you could enable her to communicate more effectively."

  WHY SHOULD I BOTHER?

  "Well, it would be a nice thing to do for one in need."

  PRECISELY.

  Umlaut realized that this was a negation. Without the benign influence of the troll, Pewter was his normal ornery self. "Maybe she could be useful to you in some way, as a return favor."

  HOW?

  "Well, uh—" Umlaut glanced at Tacy, realizing that he didn't have a good answer. "Maybe if you asked her, she might know something."

  BRING HER FORWARD.

  Umlaut turned back to the boat and put his hand on Tacy's elbow, urging her out. She was hesitant but obeyed. She came to stand before the screen.

  WHAT CAN YOU DO FOR ME?

  "Well, I might be able to sweep your cave, or—" She broke off, surprised. "I understood you!"

  OF COURSE. I CHANGED YOUR REALITY TO MAKE YOU INTELLIGIBLE.

  She looked at Umlaut. "Do you understand me also?"

  "Yes I do. But probably you can speak and understand Xanthian only in this vicinity, where Com Pewter governs,"

  "Oh, that's just so wonderful!" She flung her arms about him and kissed him.

  Before Umlaut could properly (or even improperly) react, the screen printed girl loses interest in man.

  Tacy immediately turned Umlaut loose and faced the screen, having no further interest in him. Maybe that was just as well—but he knew better than to say so.

  WHAT ELSE MIGHT YOU DO?

  Tacy glanced around. "I see that this cave is rather spare of furnishings. Ugly, in fact. That's what comes of having a troll take care of it. I could fix it up to look better. Maybe some curtains here, and a rug there, and some chairs for guests to sit."

  DO YOU PLAY CARDS?

  "I love card games! But I haven't found anyone to play them with, so I'm not very good at them."

  YOU WILL DO. A deck of playing cards appeared.

  Tacy glanced at them. "You play cards? But who moves them for you?"

  MY MOUSE. NOW I WON'T HAVE TO PLAY COM PASSION ALL THE TIME. I HAVE TO LET HER WIN TOO MUCH. I LIKE WINNING.

  "Well, then, we will get along, because I don't mind losing. I like games just for the fun of playing them." A table appeared, and she began to deal the cards. Umlaut wasn't clear how she knew what card game to play.

  Tristan Troll returned. "What is this?" he asked.

  YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

  Tacy looked startled, but it was Tristan who answered. "But I already have Mouse Terian, Com Passion's mouse. She's the only woman I desire."

  Umlaut knew this was none of his business, except in the sense that he had precipitated it. "Uh, I didn't mean to complicate your life, Tristan."

  UMLAUT CHANGES SUBJECT.

  Umlaut discovered he could no longer argue the case. "But I'm sure you know best, Com Pewter. May I bring up another matter?"

  DO SO.

  Umlaut had not meant to raise this subject, but it was the only other one on his mind. "I have a, uh, romantic problem."

  "Romance!" Tacy said, interested. "Surprise?"

  "Yes. I, uh, want to be with her. But her folks won't let me. What should I do?"

  "You should find another girlfriend," Tacy said immediately.

  "I can't do that. Surprise is the only one I want."

  She sighed. "Then I suppose you will just have to persevere. Maybe in four years they will relent."

  "Four years!"

  "When she is eighteen and they can't stop her. Meanwhile—"

  "How old are you?" Tristan asked her.

  "Eighteen. I'm not limited in that particular manner."

  THEREFORE YOU ARE ELIGIBLE FOR TRISTAN.

  Tristan shook his head. "But I already said—"

  TROLL CHANGES MIND.

  "Ouch. I may be stuck for it. I can't overrule my mentor."

  Tacy was not so limited, however. "I'm very glad finally to be able to speak and understand the local dialect. But I was not looking for a troll for a boyfriend."

  TACY CHANGES MIND.

  She looked speculatively at Tristan. "On the other hand, it is clear that you are a very nice person."

  Tristan shuddered. "I fear it is my curse."

  "Curse? I haven't been called that before. At least, not in any language I understood at the time."

  "It requires some explanation. But that would be tedious to detail."

  DETAIL IT, the screen printed. Umlaut realized that the irate machine was getting back at the troll for being so decent.

  Tristan, of course, was unable to argue. He launched into his explanation. "It relates to my name. I was not a perfect troll, because I did not like to perform brutal deeds, so my kind punished me by naming me after a fantasy hero who was cursed. Now it seems his curse is mine."

  His namesake Tristan, it turned out, was a fantasy hero in early Mundania, back in the days when there was some magic there. His father was king of Lioness, and he crossed the sea to come to the aid of Mark, the king of Corn-wall, saving him from his enemies. Mark was grateful and gave the king his sister White-Flower to wed. From that union came Tristan, but alas, his father died in battle before he was delivered, and his mother died of sorrow even as he arrived. Thus his name meant sorrow, and he was raised by a loyal servant. He grew up to be a talented and handsome warrior and went to serve his uncle Mark. He fought very well and saved the kingdom from a ruinous annual levy of copper, silver, gold, and youths and maidens. When Mark decided to marry a very pretty princess of Angry-land named Iseult the Fair, Tristan went to fetch her for the king. She was indeed beautiful and had fair hair that reached to her knees and was as bright as gold thread. She didn't like Tristan, for he had slain her brutish brother in battle. But by mistake a servant gave them a magic love potion to drink, and they fell deeply in love with each other. Of course Iseult married the king, but that drink cursed them, for she could not stay away from Tristan, nor he from her.

  They had many trysts and somehow always managed to escape detection, though there were several nasty members of the king's court who suspected and tried to trap them. Finally King Mark caught on and banished Tristan and made ready to burn up Iseult in a fire. But Tristan charged in and rescued her, and they hid in the forest together for several months. There was little to eat, and Iseult got very thin. Rather than let her suffer further, Tristan arranged to return her to the king, then he moved to Brit-any across the sea and married the king's daughter there, who was named Iseult of the White Hands. But he
did not love her, though she was a good and lovely princess. Not only was he cursed to endure sadness himself, he brought it to those he associated with, so that Iseult the Fair was sad because she could not be with him, and King Mark was sad because his wife did not love him, and Iseult of the White Hands was sad because Tristan would not touch her.

  When Iseult the Fair learned that Tristan had married another woman, she was sorely grieved. But Tristan crossed the sea and visited her and convinced her that she was the only Iseult he loved, and that was true. Then he returned to his wife, but she was angry when she found out that he loved a different woman. When he was foully ambushed and wounded by a poisoned spear, and lay dying, he sent his ring to Iseult the Fair, begging her to come to him before he died. The ship that went for her was to spread a white sail if she was aboard, and a black one if she was not. As it came into view, Tristan asked his wife what color the sail was, and she told him it was black though it was white. "Iseult," he said, grief-stricken, and died. Then Iseult of the White Hands lamented at the evil she had done; she had not meant to kill him, only to punish him. Then Iseult the Fair arrived and said, "Lady, move over," and she lay down beside the dead man, hugged him and kissed him, and died of grief.

  The ill-fated lovers were buried beside each other in two tombs, and from Tristan's tomb grew a leafy green brier that came to root again by Iseult's tomb. The peasants cut it back three times, but always it grew again, until King Mark told them to leave it alone. So the lovers were together at last in death, leaving all around them saddened.

  "And that," Tristan Troll concluded, "is the curse of my name. I must love one I can't have, and marry another I don't want, and make both of us unhappy and those who associate with us miserable. I had thought to escape it by loving Mouse Terian, but she is bound to Com Passion and I to Com Pewter, and we are separated by the Gap Chasm. Now here is Tacy, a similar name to Terian, and I am required to be with her instead. Thus is the curse fulfilled."

  "But I don't want to be the cause of such sadness," Tacy said.

  TACY CHANGES MIND.

  "Let's get married," she said. "And if I catch you with Terian, I'll blacken your sail." She hugged Tristan, who was unable to resist.

  A wall became transparent. Beyond it was a device similar to Com Pewter, only somewhat more feminine, and a truly lovely woman. Umlaut realized that this was Com Passion and her mouse. CARDS, ANYONE? Passion's screen scripted.