Up in a Heaval

  "Oh, pooh!" Annie stalked away.

  Yet another girl appeared. That was almost literal; he hadn't seen her approach, but there she was. "Hi! I'm Cindi with an Eye and See."

  Umlaut spelled it out in his mind. "An i at the end and a C at the beginning?"

  "That too. I can see whatever I name."

  "I'm Umlaut, so I guess you can see me."

  "Oh, I do. But what I mean is that if I want to see something, like maybe a huge eye scream cone, I can do so. Like this." She paused, then spoke again. "I see."

  There, hanging in the air before her, was a huge eye scream cone, looking every bit good enough to eat.

  Umlaut was impressed and abruptly hungry. He reached for the cone, but his hand passed through it. "Oh—illusion."

  "Well, yes, in that case. But some things don't need to be physical. Like the way to get past those fire ants."

  Something bothered Umlaut, and this time he was lucky enough to catch it. He hadn't told her about their problem yet. "Who are you?" he demanded.

  "Are you intimidating I'm not me?"

  "Am I what?"

  "Citing, referring to, specifying, suggesting, proposing—"

  "Intimating?"

  "Whatever," she agreed crossly.

  "Hello, Demoness Metria."

  "Oh, bleep! What gave me away?"

  "There have been too many girls wanting to make me their boyfriend. They were all you?"

  "More or less. They all exist on Ptero, but I borrowed their descriptions for this purpose."

  "The purpose of distracting me from my mission."

  "It could have been a very good distraction. You have no idea what any of those girls could have offered you, but soon you would have found out and thus joined the Adult Conspiracy."

  "I'm not ready to do that, but at such time as I am ready, Surprise Golem is the only girl I want to do it with."

  "But she's only fourteen."

  "I'll wait."

  "You're incorrigible."

  "I'm what?"

  "Oh, never mind." She disappeared into a roiling cloud of smoke. But after three instants it reversed the roiling and re-formed her face. "Anyway, I had it right that time." She roiled on out of sight.

  So he had fathomed that little mystery. The idea of having a number of girls interested in him was appealing, even if he didn't want their company, but he knew he was too ordinary for such attention, so it had been suspicious from the outset. He would have caught on sooner if he hadn't been so eager to find a way past the fire ants. But not for the price they—or, rather, Metria—were demanding.

  "Oh, Surprise," he murmured, longing for her company.

  "Here I am," she said.

  He looked around. "Where?"

  "Here in your head. Telepathy. It's another talent."

  "You shouldn't waste your talents on me!"

  "I can't think of anyone I'd rather waste them on. You were great."

  "I was just trying to find a way across the fire ant column, but I couldn't, uh—"

  "You couldn't forget me. I heard. You were so sweet."

  "I suppose. If only you were older."

  "I happen to know where some aging elixir is. I could add two or three years to my age just like that. Then I'd be right for you."

  That was wickedly tempting. "But your parents—"

  "They couldn't stop me if I was over sixteen."

  "It's not that, exactly. They love you and want what's best for you."

  "Except true love. I told you, it's the way parents are."

  "Let's wait, anyway. I want them to approve."

  He heard her sigh. "I suppose you're right, though your determined decency can get annoying. Well, let's get you across that ant column before I lose my concentration."

  "You know a way?"

  "Yes. When I was casting about for your mind I had a brush with the demoness's mind. She really would have helped you cross, you know, if you had accepted any of her forms. Then she would have—well, I don't know the details, of course, but I gather she had several storks in mind."

  "I don't know why adults are so eager to signal storks. It must be a chore."

  "Well, adults live for chores. That's why they eat wholesome food and make themselves unhappy in so many pointless little ways." He felt a tear in his eye and realized it was hers. "Oh, Umlaut, I want us to be together before we get abducted into that awful Conspiracy, so we can have some fun."

  "It does seem like irony," he said. "The moment you get the chance to do whatever you want, you start doing chores instead. But your folks are happy, aren't they?"

  "Oh, sure, they love each other. So I guess it's not so bad. Still, I hate waiting several years. I want you now"

  And he wanted her now. But he knew it wasn't practical. "We need to deliver that letter."

  "Of course," she agreed sadly. "Just walk over the hill to the north and you'll find a colony of water ants. Make a deal with them, and they'll open a path through the fire ants."

  "Thank you!"

  "Anything," she said. "I don't know what it is, but I want to give it to you."

  "I'll settle for your kisses."

  "You're so sweet," she repeated and faded from his mind, leaving the suggestion of a kiss on the inside of his cranium.

  He faced the boat. "Surprise was here. She told me there is a water ant colony over the hill."

  The others perked up. They knew that would do it.

  Umlaut got back into the boat, and they went over the hill and found the water ant nest. It resembled a hillock of water. Para and the others waited a reasonable distance away while Umlaut sat down beside the mound and emulated an ant as well as he could. First he had to satisfy them that he was not an enemy, lest they sting him and turn parts of his flesh into water.

  It took more than nineteen questions, but he finally learned what they wanted: There was a distant watermelon they dearly desired, but it was too heavy for them to carry whole, and it would spoil if they tried to cut it into carryable pieces.

  He returned to the boat. "Sammy, find the watermelon. Para, follow him."

  Sammy took off, and Para followed, and soon they found it. Umlaut heaved it into the boat, and they brought it back to the ant mound. He heaved it out and rolled it to the mound. Then the ants formed a column and marched for the fire ant formation.

  The moment the fire ants saw the water ants, they backed off, and Para passed across their line with no trouble. They were through, just like that. "Thanks," Umlaut called to the water ants. He saw a squirt of acknowledgment.

  The rest of their trip was uneventful, and soon they reached the ugly little house that Sammy indicated was where Bubbles Dog lived. Umlaut knocked on the door.

  It opened to reveal the ugliest woman he had seen. "Yes?" she grated.

  "I'm, uh, Umlaut, and I have a letter for Bubbles Dog."

  "A letter for a dog?" she graveled. Her voice was as ugly as her face.

  "I know it seems odd, but—"

  "Wonderful! Bubbles will love it. I'm Anathe Ma. Come in, you dear boy, and have some gruel."

  Now the dog came to the door, wagging her tail. She seemed to be healthy and happy. She spied Sammy and went to sniff noses; evidently they knew each other. Regardless of the way Anathe looked and sounded, it seemed she was a kind person. They entered her house and shared her gruel, and it was surprisingly good.

  It had been a long day, and they wound up spending the night there. This gave Sammy and Bubbles more time to renew their acquaintanceship and catch up on news about their associates. Bubbles had arrived in Xanth in a floating bubble from Mundania. She had been rescued by Kim, a visiting Mundanian, but in time Kim left her with Anathe Ma, because Bubbles could live far longer and better in Xanth. So she was here, and her only regret was that she wasn't able to see Kim more often. Kim had married and settled down in Mundania.

  In the evening when cats and dog were conversing and Anathe Ma was putting the house in order, Umlaut and Sesame went outside. The ho
use was in a jungle, but Umlaut had no particular concern when in Sesame's company; she could handle just about anything.

  "I keep being surprised by things," he said. "Today I learned that pretty girls are not necessarily worthwhile for me and that an ugly woman can be an ideal person."

  The girls looked delicious, Sesame agreed in Serpentine. And the old woman would hardly do to clean one's teeth. But it was true: The girls weren't real, and Anathe Ma was. Sesame had the impression nevertheless that they all liked him, or would have, had they had the chance. There was something about him. He was klutzy but appealing.

  "I'm appealing? I don't see why."

  There was no why to it. He just was. If she were of his species, she would have trouble being his friend.

  He didn't understand that so ignored it. "I'm glad I was loyal to Surprise. I didn't know she was listening."

  She must have been very pleased with him.

  "She was. She said she wanted to give me everything, once she found out what it was."

  Sesame glanced sidelong at him. She happened to be of age, for a serpent. She could assure him that not all the secrets of the human Adult Conspiracy were unpleasant.

  "She said she could take aging elixir and become of age now, but I thought she should wait."

  That was sensible of him, Sesame felt. Some of the responsibilities of adults took time to appreciate, though children didn't understand this. They needed to achieve an emotional balance before they acquired significant power to influence events.

  "I just want to be with her! But I'm not quite sure I even exist. Sometimes I think I'm just a—a little golem made to do something, that can be abolished when it is done. So what good would I ever be to her?"

  The night around them assumed an eerie quality, as if some momentous decision was about to be made.

  He surely existed, Sesame indicated. He had done so much good for Sammy, and for Sesame herself, and for Surprise, and she thought for others along the way. Maybe he lacked a memory of his past life, but that did not negate his present life.

  "Oh, I hope you're right! I must just be imagining things. You're such a wonderful friend."

  They had befriended each other. She was glad it happened. In his company she had had all the adventure she craved and had met Soufflé.

  "Let's stay friends after the letters are delivered. I know you will be going to the sea with Soufflé after you figure out how to lift his curse, but we can meet on occasion, can't we?"

  Surely they could.

  Something bothered him, and again he was lucky enough to figure out what it was before it escaped. "I said you would figure out how to lift the curse, but I should have said we. You're helping me; I want to help you."

  Thank you, she indicated. They could do that next, after the letters were done.

  "Yes." Umlaut looked around. "Was there something funny about the night? I had the oddest feeling for a moment."

  So had she. But it must have been a passing thing, because it was gone now.

  The two friends turned around and went back to the house.

  Chapter 16

  Goblin Mountain

  The next letter turned out to be addressed to PRINCESS NADA NAGA. Umlaut read it before they left Anathe Ma's house, so as to know where they were going next.

  To the Snake Broad:

  What kinda snake are ya, anyway? Snakes are s'posed ta be evil, dangerous, and way cool. You and your brother give reptiles a bad name. Hangin' 'round with sissy princesses is bad enough, but the thought of marrying a wimpy princey-boy makes me wanna puke. It's just gross!

  Naga, now that's cool. Think Cobra, think Asp, think Viper. And Python, Copperhead, and Rattler. Now those dudes are mean! Slither around and jump on things to chomp 'em. Poison till you're dead. There's no question who's in charge. That's the way ta be. Power unto yourself, y'know?

  Shape up, lady, you're doing a lousy job of bein' a snake.

  KING COBRA

  Mundania

  Umlaut shook his head. This was no polite effort. It might not be the one that would set off a war, but he wasn't sure whether he should deliver it. "What do you think, Sesame? You're better versed in serpent matters than I am."

  Princess Nada was not a snake, she was a naga, Sesame said in Serpentine. A cross between serpent and human.

  "A naga," he repeated, not quite getting it, as was his wont.

  She saw that he didn't quite understand about crossbreeds. Suppose the two of them had met at a love spring instead of in a dungeon and drunk its elixir without knowing. They would have signaled the stork together, and the stork would have brought a naga baby.

  "A naga baby," he said, blushing so hard that he was afraid his hair would curl. He had never thought of Sesame as a girlfriend, just as a friend.

  She ignored his embarrassment. She understood his limitations and was fond of him. A naga could assume the form of either of its species of origin, she explained, but its normal mode was in between: a serpent with a human head. Because it chose its form when it changed, it could become any size serpent. That made it fairly formidable. Since Nada was a princess of her kind, she was more formidable, and because she was married to a demon prince, more formidable yet. He certainly wouldn't want to annoy her.

  "So I shouldn't deliver this letter?"

  But the word among serpents was that Nada was a very nice person. She was betrothed to Prince Dolph Human when young and pretended to be even younger so that he would not feel out of place. Then when he married Princess Electra, Nada graciously let him go and later found a different prince to marry. Now they had a cute little girl, DeMonica, who played with the demoness Metria's son, Demon Ted.

  "So I should deliver the letter after all?"

  She wouldn't know. She was not a naga princess.

  He gazed at her. "Are you teasing me?"

  No, merely providing some background.

  "Can naga hurl spots?"

  Not that she knew of.

  "Then I'll deliver it."

  Sesame would have smiled if her face had that expression in its repertoire. It would be nice to meet her.

  But Umlaut retained some caution. Before he told Sammy, he checked for location. "Where does Nada Naga live?"

  She wouldn't know, Sesame repeated.

  So much for that. They would have to try to follow Sammy pell-mell, trying to keep up, unless Claire restrained him. But then he thought of another way. It was a virtual act of genius for him.

  "Sammy, I want to deliver the next letter, but I'd rather find a comfortable way to travel. Can you find a nice route, rather than a direct one?"

  Sammy nodded and took off.

  "Wait! You don't even know which person yet!"

  Claire gave him a stare of disgust, then glanced at his hand. He looked at it and saw that he was still holding the letter. Sammy had seen the address. He felt foolish yet again, but Claire gave him an I know you can't help it you innocent creature look that made him feel better. She looked down on him, of course, but seemed halfway fond of him too. That reminded him irrelevantly of what Sesame had said about his mysterious appeal. Why couldn't she have been his friend if she were of his species?

  They bid hasty adieu to Anathe Ma, who seemed genuinely sorry to see them go, and piled into the boat. Para followed Sammy eastward through the jungle. Eventually it opened out onto the east coast of Xanth, and Para splashed happily into the sea. They moved north, following the coastline.

  A sea monster spied them and came over to investigate. Sesame slid into the water and swam out to intercept it. Soon the monster nodded and departed; one sea monster did not intrude on the territory of another. Then a flying dragon oriented on them and came down for a strafing run. Umlaut stood and emulated an ogre and made as if to hurl a rock at the creature's snoot; it veered off and went elsewhere. Ogres might be justly proud of their stupidity, but they could hit a flying target at inordinate range and knock the stuffing out of it. Any flying creature who tested that would fall below the ogr
e range of stupidity, which was impossible.

  "If we had realized how well we work as a team," Umlaut remarked, "we could have saved ourselves some trouble earlier." Sesame nodded.

  The shoreline receded, forming a giant U valley. "What's that?" Umlaut asked.

  Claire gave him another idiot stare. Sesame answered in Serpentine: That is the Gap Chasm.

  Oh. "We're going around it! We've been under it, over it, and across it, so this is the next way." He didn't think to mention that he hadn't realized that their destination was north of the big cleft.

  Water travel was easy for them, but Para was doing the work and needed to rest at night so went ashore at a convenient beach. It was evening, but the tons of sand glowed so brightly that the area remained as bright as day. Then he saw the sign: DAY TON A BEACH. That explained it.

  But there was nothing to eat. They looked and looked, but there was only the day-bright beach sand. Umlaut hesitated to ask Sammy to find food, not knowing where he would go.

  A young woman approached, walking along the beach. Umlaut was wary, having encountered so many of her kind recently, but he was the one who spoke Human, so he nerved himself and greeted her. "Hello. I am Umlaut, and these are my friends. We're traveling north."

  She glanced at him as if measuring him for a bed. That made him more nervous. "I am Andrea. My talent is becoming a carrot."

  Umlaut reacted with his customary acumen. "Uh, what?"

  "Hold out your hand."

  Now she wanted to hold hands? "Uh, why?"

  She laughed. "Do you think I'm going to kiss it?"

  His slow thoughts hadn't gotten that far yet, but it did seem to be a reasonable threat. "Uh—"

  "Just hold it out."

  He did so, and she took it. Then she flickered and was gone. He was holding a nice yellow carrot.

  Then the carrot was gone and the girl was back. His hand was on her blouse. Blushing, he snatched it away. "Uh—" Oh, he was being so intelligent! "What do you want?"