Are You Listening, Rabbi Löw

  ‘O no. O god.’

  ‘Those jewels haven’t been polished or cleaned in years. And just one little parting thought honey, I just had. Was to take my prick out and piss on them to wash the dust off. But you know I wouldn’t want to cleanse them with anything so pure. But one thing. I’ll never figure out is why the hell you deserve all that that’s lying there in that pile.’

  ‘I’ll tell you why. Because after I gave Binky his whippings there on his motorbike I also gave the best blow jobs any girl can ever give a

  guy.’

  ‘Honey hooray. I knew that whatever it was Binky was getting, that it must have been something fucking priceless. And that’s the first meaningful news I’ve heard in weeks. The world suddenly makes sense once more. Goodbye honey. Goodbye. Keep cool. See you on the Riviera topless under your parasol, wearing those two natural gems I’ve been so dying to touch again.’

  But

  I’m sure if I did

  They’d

  Electrocute me

  25

  Schultz stepping back down these carpeted stairs. To the glass door at the bottom. Where the things I should notice now, like a tiled vestibule and a mud scraper for the feet are both what I could use in my own house. But let me first get the fuck out of this house. Where I might have known that that son of a bitch Binky had something again up his sleeve to trick me. And worse than any dirty deal he’s ever pulled. Fucking god, imagine, all these weeks and months. And the bastard, at the time I saw him bending over on the train. Now I know what he was doing. I thought he was sick but boy he was well and holding his stomach laughing. Someday. Somewhere. Revenge. Somehow. I’ll get even. And I only wish he wasn’t already ruined so I could ruin him even more.

  ‘Home Daniel.’

  ‘Right you are captain.’

  The limousine passing by the big gloomy mansion blocks of flats behind Westminster Cathedral. Another Catholic church. Wow don’t remind me now of anything to do with that girl. Or Binky as we go by Victoria Station. All I want is to get back to the dignified peaceful surrounds of Belgravia. To the only nice memory I got now, is of what Jorricks is making for dinner. And then be as far away as I can from the quicksands of betrayal.

  ‘Daniel, tell me, do you get sea sick.’

  ‘Ah now that’s a question straight out of the blue if you don’t mind my saying so sir.’

  ‘Daniel let me warn you, there’s going to be stuff coming out of the blue every second now.’

  ‘Well then the way I would answer your question is in the historical manner. While doing me brief stint in the Irish Guards I had occasion to get across turbulent rivers. And sure after they chucked me out of the Guards for insubordination wasn’t I crossing the sea with arms for the Irish Republican Army in my poor nation’s struggle for freedom. And long before that wasn’t I in curraghs off the west of Ireland that would go up twenty five feet on a wave, do a somersault and come back down again thirty five feet and I’d be at the same time drinking a bottle of stout and chewing a potato. But enough said now. And I follow your train of thought exactly. There’s the phone shall I take it.’

  ‘I’ll take it Daniel back here. Hello.’

  ‘Mr Schultz it’s me. Rebecca. Since the moment you and Binky left sir I’ve been trying to get you. But couldn’t because of the radio interference. In the last hour the phone calls haven’t stopped. There’s even been one from Hollywood but they wouldn’t say what it was about. Mr Jewels is now on the other line and is shouting and threatening legal action and demanding to be put through to you. I said you were not to be disturbed.’

  ‘Put him through Rebecca.’

  ‘Hi Joe. How’s mom.’

  ‘Look kid I’m going to have you in court rooms from Canarsie to Bondi Beach. One hundred and fifty thousand dollars I got here in a guaranteed cheque.’

  ‘Joe take it easy I’m not selling.’

  ‘Where’s your fucking fiduciary responsibility to your investors. What are you crazy. You think I’m going to waste my time trying to save this show from this disaster so that you can go and clean up. Well kid you’re fucking up and impeding the eventual movie sale.’

  ‘What movie sale.’

  ‘No movie sale. And maybe never a movie sale. But in this fucking contract you’ve got unreasonable artistic control and approvals. Which is why I am willing to pay this ransom to buy you out. And right now. As I even try a last desperate ditch stand to keep the fucking thing on one more night.’

  ‘OK Joe listen carefully. You and Al both glue down your toupees. I know what I want for the movie rights when and if that day ever comes to sell. And then I want to make my personal artistic contribution to the standards I want maintained in any movie that’s ever made.’

  ‘You don’t know what you’re doing kid, believe me. You’re standing in the way of progress. You’re nothing in Hollywood except maybe a black fucking mark. They think you’re crazy out there.’

  ‘Joe I’m confused why Hollywood has such interest that I’m crazy. Joe by the way how’s your mother. Did she enjoy the show.’

  ‘You want a serious answer to that question or are you just being a pain in the ass.’

  ‘I want a serious answer Joe. Come on. I got a mother too for Christ’s sake.’

  ‘Look kid. Al. Me. Everybody. We’re all over town on phones every second of the day, working to save the show. I’m pouring my own money in. I’m in no mood for kidding. Having just lost a bundle on your pal Sunningdale. And on top of it, that’s the other big worry I got right now. My mother’s indigestion and memory. Which both now have got suddenly worse.’

  ‘Sorry to hear that Joe.’

  ‘She don’t eat even with the extra medical auxiliaries I got now round the clock taking care of her. She’s gone a little bit vague but she knows me.’

  ‘Well Joe, at least that’s something.’

  ‘The nurses try to feed her all day and she won’t eat till I go over each night to the Waldorf. And when I get there I take the spoon from the nurse. And I say Mom this is Joe here. Eat. Please eat what’s here on the spoon, this good puree of spinach. And you know what. She eats. She won’t eat for anybody else. But let me tell you on room service the medical auxiliaries eat. Between taking baths and watching television, they eat like a thousand dollars a day.’

  ‘Hey Joe, jesus maybe the show knocked your mother’s last neurons out of action.’

  ‘Look kid don’t be a wise guy. My mother could die. Like it was just lucky the other day I bought two solid burial cases of pure carved marble for inside the mausoleum. One for her, one for me.’

  ‘Shit Joe maybe that’s what upset her.’

  ‘No. She likes hers. It cost thirty two thousand five hundred dollars. And she loved the show. But now I’ve had to have a specialist fly in from Denver to see her. So I’m naturally concerned.’

  ‘OK Joe, I’ve just come this minute from an emotional holocaust myself. But please. Don’t hold guns to my head to do a deal.’

  ‘Nobody’s holding a gun kid. I’m just trying to proceed in the accepted tradition of intelligent business practice which seems accepted by everybody but you who wants to rock the boat.’

  ‘Hey Joe, relax. Why don’t you just come to London a day or two. Take a load off your ass and mind. I’ll introduce you to a girl you’d die for. Maybe not with the looks and figure, but in other ways just as fantastic as Freddie Joy.’

  ‘Hey look kid right now I got a father in law and brothers in law up from the mountains of Tennessee with guns and hatchets after me, plus their crazy lawyers. I need new girls like I need two way tunnels through my head.’

  ‘Forget girls then Joe. I’ll feed you fraises des bois, filet mignon, and the best fucking burgundy you ever had.’

  ‘Hey that’s an improvement over in law hillbillies and girls but what is this kid, you desperate for a social life or something. Maybe I don’t have the fraises des bois at my local delicatessen but I have anything else I want right here. And when I’m
in London I got a special reserved suite with those beautiful mirrors overlooking the river, where the Savoy Hotel staff treat me just fine. I’m going to make a final and last offer. Two hundred thousand.’

  ‘Joe, from was it ninety you dropped to seventy five, from seventy five you go to more than ninety. Now you more than double. And I must admit I’m getting vaguely interested. But I’m not really interested until like in the pinball machine I see a sign blinking jackpot and ringing bells and in the words of dear old Al, I am zinging mit der dick dick.’

  ‘I’m going to sue you kid for fiduciary obstruction and lack of cooperation.’

  ‘Joe a lady I don’t even know is suing from an hour ago over a ten cent mirror I stepped on. Join the crowd climbing my stoop. I got lawyers standing in line. Why don’t you spill the real beans. You got something, like you always have, up your sleeve.’

  ‘Forget my sleeve kid. And don’t worry, already Al has filled me in on your previous past behaviour. That’s what the word is going around here, that you are seriously suffering from the insanity of your self exaltation. You think the people staring at the obstacle clause you could implement in this contract want your artistic opinion to bring an eventual movie production to a fucking standstill. Two hundred and seventy five kid, plus two percent of the producer’s profit.’

  Jesus, I’m just a few minutes more on the phone and I am a potential seventy five richer. While at the same time you’re telling me I’m suffering from self exaltation. Joe you’re wasting your time.’

  ‘Look kid. I should be busy in a battle while I’m here wasting this time. Please whisper in my ear. You tell me in numbers what exactly it is you want.’

  ‘Well for a start Joe a zero is missing off the end of the six digits. Plus if you didn’t like my controls you shouldn’t have signed the contract.’ ‘Well kid while your brains are stuck up your asshole, you just won the booby prize for all time stubbornness, stupidity and for being a jerk.’

  ‘Hey, come on Joe, I’m tired listening to these accusations, I made this show in the first place. Out of my own tears, sweat, flesh and fucking blood. I put each gem together. Me. And then I was abandoned alone to sink with it. In fact let me tell you. While I was surrounded by hatred and hostility loved by no one, I got the star, the choreographer, the composer. Picked out the best chorus line London’s ever seen. I’m its original genius.’

  ‘Your megalomania kid is at least dramatic. But let me remind. You got maybe some of the gems together. All of which are fucking nothing without the finance. And it was Al got you finance. And even found you Magillacurdy who was living in a cemetery.’

  ‘Hey are you saying I can’t claim credit for my show.’

  ‘Nobody’s saying anything kid.’

  ‘You sound like you’re saying.’

  ‘I’m saying things like pick up some profit kid before it’s too late. That’s what I’m saying. Before I give the cast their notice which believe me I got right now in my pocket to pin to the backstage notice board. But OK kid. You’re just too hysterical and nervous. But if you want to talk philosophically in some crazy notional way about extra digits on the number I can’t stop you.’

  ‘Joe. Please I’m going around Belgrave Square right now in my car. Please don’t waste my time making me seem a dumb schmuck with words like notional philosophy.’

  ‘You think kid I want to be forced to go talk to bankers who are going to think me nuts. But I’ll go talk. I’ll go talk to the banks this afternoon. I’ll maybe be back to you and maybe not. Al by the way had a baby.’

  ‘A baby. What kind of baby. An elephant, a dog. Or a new baby grand piano.’

  ‘A baby girl. Human. He met a nice little kid from an old Kentucky family a year ago at his celebrity concert in New Orleans. I think it was around the time he flew back suddenly to London and caught you fucking his girlfriend.’

  ‘What’s this some sick joke. That son of a bitch couldn’t get a hard on these past fifty years. So nobody is now telling me he could make a mother out of some teenaged fucking hillbilly.’

  ‘Hey is it all you’ve got left in you is insults.’

  ‘The insults have been coming from you Joe and my insults happen to be facts. Tell Al from me I hope he names the baby, Louella.’ ‘One half a million not a penny more. Take it or leave it.’

  ‘Holy shit. Sorry, my voice just slipped Joe. Gee I’m just nearly reaching my house Joe. Joe look, I like the numerical sound. And for the first time some fiduciary reality, to coin a phrase, is beginning to creep into this situation. But let’s leave it till you’ve had your deep philosophical discussion with your bankers. Right now I just stopped in front of my house in the car. After what I could say was euphemistically a long day. Because I’m the first day out of my sick bed. And I’m going this second to go into a nice quiet hot bath with bath salts and bubbles in the tub. Then with a roaring fire and the television to watch, I’m going to eat my nice dinner my butler’s got ready waiting for me. And Joe. Don’t you get nervous yet. I got news for you. Now in spite of the big black stupid mark that I am supposed to be, Hollywood has been through to the office here on the phone. My suspicions are aroused to say the least as to what is going on in New York. And to say the most, you better start philosophizing fast and start thinking of tagging on that zero. Because I know from past fangs you sank in me that something is up your sleeve. Ready to come down. And I’m waiting. Say hello to your mother for me. Goodbye. And thanks for the conversation.’

  In the wind and rain, the air chillier. Daniel with the car umbrella held over Schultz as he mounts the steps to number four Arabesque street. Daniel looking back over his shoulder and up and down the thoroughfare. The door opening. The warm light flooding out, as Schultz steps in.

  ‘Hi Jorricks.’

  ‘Good evening sir.’

  ‘Gee I just got to go take a pee fast. Gee what’s wrong, Jorricks. Something’s happened.’

  ‘Well sir. If I may just whisper. After I paid the taxi drivers, I did my very utmost to persuade her to leave. Short of calling the police. And as it began to rain her equipment had to be taken in and is now down in the boxroom.’

  ‘Persuade who. What equipment.’

  ‘Sir this morning. The lady explorer. I said you’d left for Moscow. And then she wouldn’t stop speaking what I believe is Russian sir.’

  ‘Jesus I’m losing my memory. That lady. You mean the Skyscraper.’

  ‘Indeed sir. She said that you had said this was to be the expedition headquarters. She’s been all afternoon in the library using the telephone and now she’s in the drawing room. And has simply refused to budge. I did so try sir.’

  ‘OK Jorricks, don’t worry. I may faint and die in the effort but I’ll tackle it. O boy Jorricks. Christ what a wonderful aroma.’

  ‘The duck a l’orange sir. And sir there’s been another lady. Quite a humorous young lady. She’s left this number. She asked if there were to be another pigeon party. Although I did not quite know what she was referring to I took the liberty of saying yes.’

  ‘When did she phone.’

  ‘She didn’t sir, she came to the door. And left a message in this envelope.’

  Schultz taking the envelope to the hall water closet. Opening it as he pissed into the bowl. O god what’s this now. Something to make my day. Jesus Rabbi. I have a feeling things are going to get to be awful. And I’m not going to be able to stand it.

  Dear old Ziggy Pops,

  No kidding I was just passing your big house. Don’t get scared I really am not working for my father tracking down tax dodgers. Your address I got out of the hospital files where I was reading in more detail about your balls. You really are a celebrity. I like celebrities. I like you. Please call. I like your butler too. And pops, one more pigeon party please. And telephone me.

  Your old cocksucking friend

  Cynth

  The scrawled writing blotted and the words bunched tightly together on the torn piece of paper. Holy shit. And aft
er reading this and taking a pee, I now got such a hard on I can’t fucking get my prick back into my pants. Or the buttons closed. Whew. Look at this. Fantastic. Jesus by the size of it it’s got to be a sign of returning health. Maybe Rabbi I could go on living for years to come yet. And maybe busted and beaten I am not going to be. In show biz when things are looking bad at least that’s good, because when you think things are looking good, they could be really bad and that’s fucking worse. While the universal search continues by girls for guys to support them and nobody, but nobody is going to fool me by telling me any different. And I got to remind myself again. That the exact moment you think everything is going all right with a woman, be sure of one thing, it ain’t. But be sure of another thing. Women love jewels.

  Schultz buttoning the last fly button coming out of the water closet. Turning to look close up at his eyeballs in the hall mirror. Leaning over the fresh bouquet of flowers, sticking out his tongue. And taking a deep breath. And catching it as Jorricks comes up to his shoulder.