Good For The Goose: Enough For The Gander

okay Baba Dayo. Please Madam…I…

  TETUMA: You’ve already behaved regrettably!

  ALEX: Oh really?!

  TETUMA: Yes!

  ALEX: How so?!

  TETUMA: By sending a lady out of you home!

  ALEX: Nonsense!

  DENISE: Madam! Please! Baba Dayo I beg of you.

  ALEX: For the umpteenth time, let her just leave now!

  DENISE: She will, just calm down sir. She will.

  TETUMA: Not until he listens to me first!

  DENISE: Madam, why don’t you just leave first?

  TETUMA: Haven’t you heard? But of course the cliché still goes; ‘Ladies first’?

  ALEX: So leave first!

  TETUMA: Let me speak first!

  ALEX: Denise, I want her to leave now!

  DENISE: (Sighs) Mister Alex since she insists, why not listen to her first? Then she would have to leave.

  ALEX: I have listened to this trash long enough, we all have!

  TETUMA: When a woman speaks her right, it is trash.

  ALEX: You don’t know the first thing about being a woman.

  TETUMA: But I know her rights all too well.

  ALEX: At least you concede to your sexual limitations.

  TETUMA: Now you’re being paranoid.

  ALEX: But also quite truthful in being so.

  TETUMA: Do not insinuate insults on my sexual preference!

  ALEX: I won’t care less which it is!

  TETUMA: I’m a woman in every sense!

  ALEX: Real women are married with families.

  TETUMA: A truly unfortunate enslaving hypocritical formality.

  DENISE: I’m sure we can all be civil here.

  TETUMA: Young man, civility is the woman’s forte.

  ALEX: Epitomized if you leave, I presume.

  TETUMA: (Chuckles) Immobilized by your chauvinistic dominance.

  MONICA: (Suddenly) Good morning Baba Dayo.

  ALEX: Hello Moni.

  b/g (Brief silence, as door softly creaks shuts)

  TETUMA: (Sips) This is good Coffee.

  ALEX: Imagine?

  DENISE: Please madam!

  b/g (Tea cup clinks back on its saucer)

  TETUMA: Very well. (Coughs)

  MONICA: (Whispers audibly) What’s up?

  DENISE: Shhh.

  TETUMA: (Clears throat exaggeratedly) Introductions are in order?

  ALEX: (Scoffs) I already know everybody here.

  TETUMA: That is a start.

  DENISE: I’m sure there will be enough time for that later.

  TETUMA: The beginning begins, my dear young man.

  ALEX: And the end is ever blurred in its justice.

  DENISE: Why don’t you just say your bit, madam?

  TETUMA: Ah, you're curious? That is good.

  ALEX: (Hisses) You see?

  TETUMA: Our acquaintance to Mister Alex here is common; though I doubt very much if mine is still valid.

  b/g (Multiple audible sighs)

  DENISE: Cut with the chase madam, please.

  TETUMA: I believe you're Denise and Monica, the much younger couple from the next flat. You are a newly married couple, I presume.

  MONICA: Yes.

  TETUMA: (Chuckles) That is an easy guess, I must add.

  MONICA: (Scoffs) And why is that?

  TETUMA: You didn’t greet Denise when you entered, because you might have or might not have greeted already; like only new spouses do or don’t do habitually.

  b/g (Muffled child’s playful giggles)

  TITI: (OFF) Don’t do that.

  TETUMA: (Louder) Anyway, I am Missss…TETUMA.

  ALEX: Somebody spare me this torture, please!

  TETUMA: (Scoffs) I trust Missus Titi Alex, still hidden inside, will trust Denise well enough to consider it safe enough to rejoin us now. Just as I believe Denise ought to be quite capable of physically handling Titi’s raving hulk of a husband.

  b/g (Suppressed giggle)

  DENISE: Moni.

  MONICA: Sorry.

  TETUMA: Titi! (Pauses briefly) Please, brave up and rejoin us!

  b/g (Brief silence is followed with a creaking opening door and soft footsteps)

  MONICA: Good morning Mama Dayo.

  TITI: (Barely audible) Hi Moni.

  TETUMA: By all means Titi, stay out of reach. I will feel more comfortable too.

  ALEX: Insinuate all you want but I don’t hit people. I may hit a wall or something to let off steam but I never hit people. So please get that out of your arrogant head.

  b/g (Tea cup clinks again)

  TETUMA: Believe me sir it doesn’t make it any more comforting for any woman. Monica here will agree a lot more visibly and less audibly, if her dear husband’s frowns and soft reprimands weren’t so freely dished out.

  (Pauses and sips loudly) This is really good coffee.

  b/g (Tea cup clinks louder)

  DENISE: (Sighs) Madam, please dispense with this long preamble.

  TETUMA: Very well. You and Monica appear educated and quite in tune with our fast changing society. I deliberately chose this approach because yours could just be the tonic an older marriage like that of our hosts needs at this stage of theirs.

  ALEX: My marriage is perfectly fine and does not need any kind of prescriptions from a woman that has never been married!

  TETUMA: Notice that he said ‘His’ marriage?

  b/g (Furniture movement)

  DENISE: Lady please, I don’t know you but I can see that this gentleman is not comfortable with your continuous intrusive and abrasive presence here.

  TETUMA: (Scoffs) It would appear so with good reason.

  ALEX: An obviously loaded reason I agree.

  DENISE: Hence madam, I consider it not appropriate for you to invite us into what appears to be a purely matrimonial affair.

  TETUMA: That is why they need us, my dear. We are incidentally the only realistic and ideal measuring scale for their edgy matrimonial weights.

  ALEX: No Denise! Please sit down and hear her out.

  DENISE: Sir, I think it is too presumptuous of her.

  ALEX: Let her say her piece. You will find it quite intriguing.

  TETUMA: Répondre s’il vous plaĭt, Denise?

  b/g (Brief silence, furniture movement)

  DENISE: Very well sir.

  b/g (Brief silence)

  TETUMA: I met Alex just a year ago at a seminar given by my NGO on ‘Women in active politics.’ Yes I hear you, another women's liberation organization.

  DENISE: We said nothing.

  TETUMA: You may not say your thoughts out loud, but they still carry across.

  DENISE: (Sighs) Please go on.

  TETUMA: Thank you. (Pause) Alex was very supportive of all the submissions presented by the speakers. He had come with a journalist friend of his, who was officially sent by his male-dominated daily newspaper to cover the seminar.

  ALEX: Male dominated?!

  TETUMA: Of course! By its entire staff strength and its obvious appeal.

  ALEX: You are paranoid.

  TETUMA: Running out of words, are we?

  DENISE: Please sir.

  ALEX: Oh sorry, please by all means continue…Madam.

  TETUMA: Thank you…Oga.

  DENISE: Thank you sir.

  TETUMA: (Clears throat) The seminar’s general session broke into smaller groups for discussions and each group was given a sub-topic to discuss. I found myself in the same group with Alex and our group leader was Alex’s journalist friend. Our sub-topic: ‘The woman’s natural leadership qualities.’

  DENISE: (Coughs) I’m sure this could be shorter.

  TETUMA: (Sighs) Ah, patience is indeed a feminine virtue.

  MONICA: Please, do go ahead.

  TETUMA: Thank you dear. For the two hours the group discussions lasted I heard men give brilliant suggestions on how women could quite successfully take part in active politics and be good practical wives and mothers too.

  DAYO: (OFF) Mummy
! Mummy!!

  b/g (Furniture movement and footsteps)

  TITI: Excuse me please.

  TETUMA: Of course my dear, be a mother. (Pause) But it wasn’t what I expected! I had prepared myself for more argumentative discussions, most of all with the array of professional men present. So this took me by complete surprise.

  TITI: (OFF) Come darling.

  TETUMA: Anyway, I was confronted with what I had then perceived to be the truth about our more enlightened civilized new generation of men.

  DENISE: The truth? The truth about…?

  TETUMA: The truth about the modern African man's perception. About men who understood that the woman’s contribution in politics and public life is necessary for not only her gender, but theirs as well. Necessary for our common society.

  (Coughs) Excuse me. Men who are also receptive of the changes to what was the previous status quo, as a result of this more progressive shift in their thinking.

  b/g (Soft footsteps followed by a creaking door)

  DAYO: (Clearly) Aunty, aunty.

  MONICA: Dayo, Dayo. Come here darling.

  b/g (Furniture movement, giggling child)

  TETUMA: Then I got talking with Alex and his journalist friend at the seminar’s lunch break. They were simply delightful and I was greatly encouraged that the future can only be bright for the us.

  DENISE: The women folk?

  TETUMA: In particular, yes.

  ALEX: How true to character.

  TETUMA: Speak for your gender sir.

  ALEX: But I am.

  TETUMA: How typical.

  ALEX: You think we don’t need to be spoken for too?!

  DENISE: Please calm down sir.

  TETUMA: So, to cut this story short; in recognition of beleagued Patience’s matrimonial nemesis, I became a good friend of theirs and especially that of Alex and Titi here. I have invite them to every engagement my NGO had ever since and they have both been always present too. (Pauses)

  I have found Titi to be as civilized as her husband had appeared to be…initially. And she seemed to be quite promising too; as a potential motivator of sorts.

  ALEX: Which you set out to exploit?

  TETUMA: I didn’t.

  ALEX: That is what this is all about, isn’t it?

  TETUMA: It isn’t sir!

  DENISE: Sorry, you’ve lost me.

  ALEX: She is recruiting.

  DENISE: Ah.

  TITI: (Softly) It isn’t so!

  ALEX: (Loudly) What do you know?!

  DENISE: What exactly is the problem?

  ALEX: