The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers, Series 3

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  THE

  Orpheus C. Kerr Papers

  Are now comprised in three volumes, uniformly bound, price $1.50, eachsold separately, entitled:

  _FIRST SERIES_, _SECOND SERIES_, _THIRD SERIES_,

  To say that these criticisms of Orpheus C. Kerr are universally known,admired, and laughed at, would be superfluous. Their inimitable wit andsarcasm have made the author famous, and since his letters have beenpublished in book form their circulation has been enormous Copies willbe sent by mail _free_, on receipt of price, $1.50

  by

  CARLETON, Publisher,New York.

  THE

  ORPHEUS C. KERR PAPERS.

  THIRD SERIES.

  Even M. Louvois, the prime-minister, taxed Sulli with his impudence,which, he said, by no means became a man who had no other recommendationbut that of making people laugh. "Why, what the d--l!" cried Sulli;"you would do as much, if you were able!" ... and Sulli got theappointment.

  MEMOIRS OF THE OPERA.

  NEW YORK:_Carleton, Publisher, 413 Broadway._MDCCCLXV.

  Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1865, by

  GEO. W. CARLETON,

  In the Clerk's Office of the District Court for the Southern Districtof New York.

  Cambridge Press.DAKIN AND METCALF.

  CONTENTS.

  PAGE

  LETTER LXXX.

  Reporting our Uncle Abe's latest little Tale. Our Correspondent'sHistorical Chaunt. The Boston Novel of "Mr. Smith". And a FuneralDiscourse by the devout Chaplain of the Mackerel Brigade. 7

  LETTER LXXXI.

  Showing how a Minion of Tyranny was terribly punished forinterfering with the conservative Women of America. And describingthe Kentucky Chap's remarkable Skirmish with his ThanksgivingDinner. 25

  LETTER LXXXII.

  Noting the utter Destruction, by an inebriated Journalist, of theVenerable Gammon's benignant Speech. Introducing the new General ofthe Mackerel Brigade. And describing a curious Phenomenon on DuckLake. 34

  LETTER LXXXIII.

  Referring to Washington City and the President's Message, and givingthe Southern Confederacy's very reasonable Peace Proposition. 43

  LETTER LXXXIV.

  Proving that Russia is indeed our Friend. Instancing the terrificBombardment of Paris. And telling how the new General of theMackerel Brigade delighted all with his surprising "Shape". 51

  LETTER LXXXV.

  Holding the Government strictly accountable for the Occurrence of arecent "Military Necessity". Recounting the affecting Episode of theMackerel Drummer-Boy. And depicting the new Mackerel General's firstgreat Battle. 57

  LETTER LXXXVI.

  Touching upon a late Ovation to a Parent of his Country. Giving theConservative Kentucky Map of all America. And introducing a secondnew General of the Mackerel Organization. 66

  LETTER LXXXVII.

  In which our Correspondent has a deadly Affair of Honor with aGentleman from Kentucky. Experiences "Contraband" Hospitality andMelody. Attends a great Meeting in Accomac. And witnesses aprodigious Naval Achievement. 73

  LETTER LXXXVIII.

  Concerning Intellectual Giants and Pins. With a few Words as tocertain Dramatic Street-Scenes supposed to be of daily Occurrence.An affecting Western Poem. And a brief Glimpse of an ordinaryCavalry Dash. 88

  LETTER LXXXIX.

  Showing how the great City of Rome has been ruined by the War.Citing a notable Instance of Contempt of Court. Describing RearAdmiral Head's wonderful Improvement in Swivel Guns. And provingthat all is now Ready for the Reduction of Fort Piano. 101

  LETTER XC.

  Giving a deep Insight of Woman's Nature. Presenting a powerful Poemof the Heart by one of the Intellectual Females of America. Andreporting the signal Discomfiture of Mr. P. Greene. 111

  LETTER XCI.

  Containing the Venerable Gammon's Report of the Manner in which theWar has conducted itself up to this Time. And the most SurprisingEpitaph of a Victim of Strategy. 119

  LETTER XCII.

  In which our enthusiastic Correspondent surpasses AEschylus in theway of an Invocation. And describes Rear Admiral Head's great NavalDemonstration against Fort Piano. 128

  LETTER XCIII.

  Teeming with Consummate Strategy, and relating an extraordinaryGeometrical Effort of Military Genius. 135

  LETTER XCIV.

  Affording an Instance of Imperceptible Patriotism. Presenting theprofound Commentary of an eminent foreign Military Critic. AndReporting the last Effusion of the General of the MackerelBrigade. 143

  LETTER XCV.

  Noting the continued Anguish of the Conservative Kentucky Chap, andthe Death of Nemo. And describing an immense popular Demonstrationagainst the Outrages of Federal Oppression. 150

  LETTER XCVI.

  Devoted principally to Social Matters, and the benignant Bearing ofV. Gammon at a Diplomatic Soiree. 158

  LETTER XCVII.

  Introducing the great Moral Exhibition of the "Effigynia". Glancingat a fourth new Mackerel General. And showing how the President'sDraft on Accomac was protested at sight. 164

  LETTER XCVIII.

  Recounting a chaste "Reconstruction" Anecdote of the Sixth Ward.And divulging Captain Villiam Brown's ingenious AlphabeticalExperiment with Company Three. 172

  LETTER XCIX.

  In which our Correspondent is betrayed into Argument. But recoversin time to give us the usual Christmas Song and Story of theRenowned Brigade. 181

  LETTER C.

  Giving divers Instances of strangely-mistaken Identity. Andrevealing a wise Method of saving the Country from Bankruptcy. 194

  LETTER CI.

  Explaining the well-meant Duplicity of the Journals of theOpposition. Affording another Glimpse of the IrrepressibleConservative Sentiment. And showing how Thanksgiving-Day was kept bythe Mackerels. 201

  LETTER CII.

  Showing the ingenious Financial Energy of a greatly reducedPolitician. And Describing a Combat illustrative of thePhilosophical Contentment of the well-known Southern Confederacyunder all Reverses. 213

  LETTER CIII.

  Being another and final Christmas Report. Including a Small Storyfrom our Uncle Abe. A Circular from the Secretary of State. ASupernatural Carol from Sergeant O'Pake. And a tremendousGhost-Story from an unappreciated Genius. 222

  LETTER CIV.

  Explaining, in a lucid and perfectly satisfactory Manner, thepowerful Inactivity of that portion of the venerated MackerelBrigade residing before the ancient City of Paris, and presentingcertain genial Details of a recent Festive Conglomeration. 243

  LETTER CV.

  Being our Correspondent's last Effort prior to the Commencement of anew Mackerel Campaign. Introducing a metrical Picture of the mostremarkable Single Combat on
Record. And showing how the Romance ofWoman's sensitive Soul can be crushed by the thing called Man. 254

  LETTER CVI.

  Wherein will be found certain profound Remarks upon the Variationsof Gold, etc., and a wholesome little Tale illustrative of thatfamous Popular Abstraction, the Southern Treasury Note. 261

  LETTER CVII.

  Recording the latest Delphic Utterances of One whom we all honorwithout knowing why. And recounting the truly marvellous Affair ofthe Fort built according to Tacitus. 267

  LETTER CVIII.

  Narrating the utterly unparalleled Conquest of Paris by thevenerable Mackerel Brigade, after Three Days' inconceivableStrategy. In Fact, a Battle-Report after the Manner of all ourexcited Morning Journals. Upon perusing which, each Reader isexpected to wrap himself up in the American Flag and shake his fistat Combined Europe. 277

  LETTER CIX.

  Which endeth the Third Volume of this inexpressibly veraciousHistory of the War. And showeth how a Great Republic finallyovercame its surpassingly Mendacious Foes, and how it evinced itsunspeakable Gratitude to Providence for such a Victory. 289

  THE

  ORPHEUS C. KERR PAPERS.

  THIRD SERIES.