The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers, Series 3
LETTER LXXXVIII.
CONCERNING INTELLECTUAL GIANTS AND PINS; WITH A FEW WORDS AS TO CERTAIN DRAMATIC STREET-SCENES SUPPOSED TO BE OF DAILY OCCURRENCE; AN AFFECTING WESTERN POEM; AND A BRIEF GLIMPSE OF AN ORDINARY CAVALRY DASH.
WASHINGTON, D.C., March 22d, 1863.
Greatness of mind, my boy, like greatness of body, consists no less ina capacity for making good use of small things than in an ability tomaster vast ones; and the intellect sublime enough to grasp the wholesystem of the universe, may not disdain to draw a useful lesson inhuman nature even from so minute an object as the Secretary of theInterior. The elephant, in the full amplitude of his physicalgreatness, has been briefly and comprehensively characterized as ananimal able to knock down a giant and pick up a pin; and how shall theglorious human mind boast its superiority over matter, if it be notalso endowed with the power of stooping as well as soaring? I believe,my boy, in the mind that picks up pins intellectual; especially inthese days, when there are so few intellectual giants to knock down.Indeed, so important to the general system of intellect is the systemof taking no less note of small things than of great ones, that amultitude of writers who deal only in the smallest kind of matters alltheir lives may themselves be denominated intellectual pins. I holdMr. Tupper to be an intellectual pin, and Mr. Willis has also becomesomewhat of a pin in these his later years.
To the youthful soul, still steeped in those romantic dreams, of whicha supper of pig's feet is the best artificial provocative I know, thiswar is a vast phantasmagoria of almighty giants struggling together inthe clouds. There was a time when I, too, was able to see it to thatextent; but time, and some experience in Virginia, have reduced mygiants in the clouds to brigadiers in the mud; and from seeing ournational banner in the character of a rainbow dipped in stars, I havecome to regard it as an ambitious attempt to represent sunrise inmuslin, the unexpected scantiness of the material compelling theingenious artist to use a section of midnight to fill up.
Down in Accomac, the other day, I overheard a sentimental Mackerelchap, to whom I had imparted this flagging idea, inflicting it uponanother Mackerel as original; but he was anxious to improve upon thecomparison, and says he:
"Our National Standard is so much like a beautiful sunrise, that Icould almost wish the full idea of an eternal morning could be furtherexpressed in it by something to represent the dew."
The inferior Mackerel scratched his head, and says he:
"Why, my pay has been due for some time, and I myself am eternallymourning for it."
If we cast pearls before swine, my boy, we must not be surprised tofind them taken for the seeds of cabbage-heads. I once told aWall-street broker that I considered the break of day one of Nature'smost glorious sights; and he said that he didn't mind it himself, if hedidn't happen to have any of Day's notes on hand at the time.
But, to return to the giants and the pins; the absence of all giants inthe way of events for the past week has induced me to take note of thepins; and close observation of a few of the latter induces me tobelieve that a strong Union feeling is beginning to be developedamongst the loyal masses of the North. For instance: one of thepassengers in one of the street-cars of Paris, the other day, was avenerable man of ninety-three years and seven months, who sat quietlybetween two lady-passengers, eating roast chestnuts, and permitting theshells to fall upon their laps. Upon his hoary locks rested a whitehat, well worn and mashed-in with time; his once light overcoatbuttoned close to his throat, represented a drawn battle between greasespots and torn places; his venerable lower members were encased in blueoveralls, somewhat shaded about the knees; and the large feet, restingeasily upon the cushions of the opposite seat of the car, wore oneslipper and one disabled boot. With the exception of a scarcely heardhiccup between every two chestnuts that he ate, not a sound was emittedby this venerable and striking figure as he sat there thusunobtrusively in a public car, like any ordinary passenger.
Presently, a young and boisterous lieutenant, vain of his new regimentals,and full of the airs of a new Jack-in-office, entered the car, andegotistically attempted to make his way to a seat. A faint hiccupsaluted his ear, and, looking down, he found his way barred by the agedlegs of the venerable stranger, whose feet were upon the oppositecushions.
"Let me pass, old man?" says the vain youngster, with the smart air ofone who wishes to get to his seat.
The venerable stranger hardly raised his stern old eyes at the flippantremark, but ate another chestnut, as though no one had spoken.
"Come, my friend," says the conceited stripling, with fresh arrogance,"Be kind enough to move for a moment. I am Colonel P----."
In an instant, the aged frame sprang to his feet, opened all thewindows, turned the conductor out of the car, locked the doors, mashedhis hat down over his eyes, and frantically tearing open hisdilapidated overcoat, displayed _the star of a major-general_!
In an instant, the newly-fledged colonel lost all his knowingbraggadocio, and cowered before the glorious old veteran, like a cowedcur (female of a bull-dog).
"Wr-r-r-etch!" exclaimed the hoary commander, in tones of thunder,relieved with the vivid lightning of a hiccup, "Do you know _me_!"
The abashed young boaster could only bow his head in shame, and tookthe first opportunity to dash himself from the vehicle wherein he hadbeen taught such a lesson. And this should teach us all, my boy, thatbad clothes are not always a sure sign of the wearer being only areporter for the _Tribune_; nor do the ordinary symptoms ofintoxication always indicate that the possessor lacks high rank in ournational army.
Some hours later, on this same car, there transpired a somewhatdifferent scene, but one equally calculated to prove that there isindeed a North. Twenty-three wealthy secessionists were in the swiftvehicle, the only other passenger being a handsome lad of aboutsixteen, in the uniform of a brigadier. Rendered confident by theirnumbers, the enemies of our beneficent form of government entered intoa venomous discussion of the siege of Vicksburg, asserting that theYazoo Expedition had not yet captured forty-two steamboats ofConfederacies, and that the announcement of the capture of theMississippi River was premature.
The young soldier of the Republic went on with some candy he waseating, an apparently indifferent spectator of this symposium oftreason; but the close spectator could not have failed to observe thathis whole form was invisibly convulsed with a patriotic indignation.Presently, however, when one of the more hideous conspiratorsheartlessly remarked that we had not heard much of our army in Virginialately, endurance ceased to be a virtue, and the young hero could nolonger restrain himself.
In a moment his whole aspect changed; his eyes burst into a devouringblaze, and his cheeks were in flames before aught could be done tocheck the conflagration. Animated by the strength of a giant, in acause which he believed to be a noble one, he shot the traitors one byone with his revolver, and buried them in an obscure swamp near thetrack; he paid the driver and conductor their wages, and induced themto enlist for three years; then, after selling both the horses atauction, he broke the car into kindling-wood for the use of the poor.
And this mere boy, who could make himself equal to an emergency,--whatof him? I can fancy him a fond mothers pride, a venerable father'shope,--ay, even a tender sister's favorite snub. When this record ofhis glory reaches them, will they remember, in the midst of their proudexultation, the poor scribe whose humble pen relates to them theglories of their house? Will they drop one burning tear to the memoryof him who at this moment does not know what on earth to write aboutnext, and heartily wishes that he had been content to earn arespectable living as a reputable wood-sawyer, instead of turningwriter? Will they sometimes give one idle thought to the unpretending_literateur_ who has found the glorious reward of literary merit to bean assumption by one-horse country newspapers of the right to talkabout him by his family name without troubling themselves to put in thecivilized courtesy of "Mr."? Will they mention in their less urgentprayer, occasionally, the modest child of the quill, who would ex
ceedall the horrors of the Inquisition with the foes of his country, byactually forcing them to write a column for a newspaper when they feltmentally incapable of penning a single coherent paragraph? Will they?
Ah! this is no country to appreciate genius; as they wrote upon thetomb of my early friend, the sweet-singing Arkansaw Nightingale, whoselast sad manuscript to me described
"A BIG DOG FIT.
"Lige Simmons is as cute a chap As ever you did see, And when the feller says a thing, It's sure as it can be.
"He owns a dog--and sich a brute For smellin' round a chap, I never see in all my life, You'd better bet your cap.
"Now Lige is proud of this here dog, And says the critter'll whip As many wild-cats in an hour As go to load a ship.
"'But, law,' says Lige, 'that animile Is awful in a row, And other pups 'longside of him An't no account, nohow.'
"In fact, one day, I saw the same Contemporaneous pup Pitch into a Newfounlander And chaw him slightly up.
"He's such a plaguy little cuss, You'd laugh to see him come; But when there's chawin' up to do, I tell you, boss, he's some!
"One day, a pedler came to town With ginger-beer and things, And patent clocks, and pious books, And fancy finger-rings.
"And underneath his cart was tied A bull-dog of the kind That tears your musn't-mention-'ems, In angry frame of mind.
"Now, Lige's dog was smellin' round, And when he see this here, He cocked his eye in agony, And acted awful queer.
"The bull-dog gin a rousin' shout, As Lige's dog went by, And gev him such a sassy nip That fur began to fly.
"Then Lige's dog unfurled his tail And gev the wound a lick, And then pitched into that ere dog A way that _wasn't_ sick.
"The critters had it nip and tuck, And made such awful noise, That Lige himself came up to see, With all the other boys.
"The pedler see him, and says he, Like one to fits inured: 'I'm sorry, strannger; but I hope Your yaller dog's insured.'
"I tell you, boys, 'twas fun to see The grin that Lige put on, As in his cheek he put a chaw And winked his eye at one.
"'Oh, let the varmints fit,' says Lige, 'My pup is awful thin, And this here row will make him look Jist like himself ag'in.'
"And all this while the fit went on, With such a mess of dust We couldn't tell the upper dog, If all our eyes should bust.
"'Twas yell and yowl, and shout and growl, And stompin' awful hard, And sometimes they'd a tail stick out From where the dust was bar'd.
"Byme-by the noise began to die, And as it fainter grew, The dust began to settle down, And you could just see through.
"At last it cleared away entire, But all that we could see Was Lige's dog a squattin' down Beneath the axletree.
"'Law!' says the pedler, lookin' blue, 'What's happened to _my_ pup?' Says Lige: 'It's my opinion, boss, My pup has eat him up.'
"'But where's the chain I tied him with?' The pedler loud did call. And would you b'lieve me--Lige's dog Had swallowed chain and all!
"One end was hangin' from his mouth And gev him such a cough, We had to fetch a chisel out And cut some inches off.
"Then that ere brute, to show the joy That's nat'ral to dum brutes, Insulted that sad pedler there, By smellin' round his boots.
"The pedler dropped a tear, and then Says he to Lige, says he: 'I'd like to buy that yaller pup And take him home with me.'
"But 'no,' says Lige, with proud disdain And sot down on a log, 'That pup is plural now, you know-- A dog within a dog.'
"'He's twice as strong to fit,' says Lige; 'For if he's killed outside, I'll turn the critter inside out, And let _your_ critter slide.'
"'Well,' says the pedler, with a sigh, 'The pup's a trump, I think; But let us change the subject now; Say, strannger!--do you drink?'"
But let me not indulge in sentiment, my boy, while it is still beforeme to describe the recent successful reconnoissance of the AnatomicalCavalry, whose horses remind me of the celebrated war-horse describedby Job, inasmuch as it is believed that the far-famed patience of thatscriptural patriarch would have stood a very poor chance with them.
The Grim Old Fighting Cox, the new General of the Mackerel Brigade,having learned from the New York daily papers, of the week previous,that a few hundred thousand freshly-drafted Confederacies were massingthemselves on his right, resolved to order a triumphant reconnoissanceby the Anatomical Cavalry and the Orange County Howitzers, for thepurpose of discovering whether the war was actually going on yet. Asthe steeds of the cavalry were widely dispersed through the variousgravel meadows around the Mackerel camp, my boy, and had grown somewhatwild from long disuse, I was somewhat puzzled to know how they couldall be caught quickly enough, and says I to Captain Villiam Brown, whowas to command the combined expedition:
"Tell me, my Pylades, how will you manage to organize the equestrianbone-works without losing too many hours?"
"Ah!" says Villiam, briskly replacing the cork in his canteen, andstartling his geometrical steed, Euclid, from a soft doze, "we mustmake use of our knowledge of natural history, which is the animalkingdom. Observe the device used in such cases by the scientific UnitedStates of America."
I looked, my boy, and beheld a select company of joyous Mackerelshoisting a huge board to the top of a lofty pole, which must have beenvisible for a mile distant. The board simply bore, in large letters,the simple words:
"THE OATS HAVE COME."
and scarcely had it reached the top of the pole, when the anatomicalsteeds came pouring into the camp with frantic speed, and from everydirection.
"Ah!" says Villiam, thoughtfully, "how powerful is instink, even in adumb animal. I once had a dog," says Villiam, reflectively, "whoseinstink was so powerful, that to stop his vocal barking it was onlynecessary to show him a good-sized piece of bark. He felt," saysVilliam, explainingly, "that it was a larger bark than his, and it madehim silent."
Truly, my boy, there is often a marvellous similarity between instinctand reason, the former serving as the foundation of the latter, and notunfrequently being entirely destitute of a superstructure in militarymen.
The Cavalry and Howitzers having been arranged in such order that eachsupported the other, and a prospect of some carnage supported themboth, the word was given to advance, and the warlike pageant sweptonward very much as we read in the reliable morning journals. I wasproceeding at the head of the cavalcade, with Villiam, pleasantlydiscussing with him the propriety of digging a canal to Richmond, andusing the Cavalry on the tow-path, when there rode forth from the coverof a wood near at hand a horseman, whose stately bearing anddishevelled hat announced Captain Munchausen, of the celebratedSouthern Confederacy. He waved his sword courteously to Villiam, andsays he:
"You bring your hordes to measure sabres with us, I presume?"
Villiam rattled his good sword Escalibar[4] in its scabbard, and sayshe, grimly, "We are met together for that purpose."
[4] It is hardly necessary to state that this sword, "Escalibar," is probably identical with the invincible blade, of the same name, presented to King Arthur by the Lady of the Lake.
Captain Munchausen smiled superciliously, and says he, "Is thisintended by your vandals to be what you call a brilliant cavalry dash?"
Villiam waved his hand majestically, and says he:
"That is the exciting phrase."
"Then," says Munchausen, with unseemly levity of tone, "I can tell you,before you go any farther, that you are out of ammunition."
Here Captain Samyule Sa-mith, of the Howitzers, who had come up whilethe talking was going on, suddenly slapped his knee, an
d says he:
"That's so. I knew I had forgotten something in this here expedition,and it's the ammunition."
So we all went back to camp, Captain Munchausen being too muchdemoralized by the bad example to pursue us.
Our latest cavalry dashes, my boy, being reduced to their simplestmeaning, signify devised charges of cavalry, which are based uponcharges of artillery, which have forgotten to bring any charges withthem.
Yours, retreatingly,
ORPHEUS C. KERR.