The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers, Series 3

  LETTER XCII.

  IN WHICH OUR ENTHUSIASTIC CORRESPONDENT SURPASSES AESCHYLUS IN THE WAY OF AN INVOCATION; AND DESCRIBES REAR ADMIRAL HEAD'S GREAT NAVAL DEMONSTRATION AGAINST FORT PIANO.

  WASHINGTON, D.C., April 20th, 1863.

  Stand aside, my boy, and realize your own civilian insignificance,while I invoke all the gods of Old Olympus to aid me with theirinspiration, in the tale of naval grandeur it is my duty to unfold.

  Fired with the soul to hail my country great, and write her honorsendless to the world, full to the sun I wave the eager pen, invokingall the lightning of the gods. Descend on me, Olympian dews, descend!that this tired brain, where oft the new-born thought hath diedunblossomed in the fainting soil, may catch fresh vigor from thegrateful balm, and teem thrice glorious in a nobler youth. By all thefire that glows in Homer's song, to make all ages flame anew with Troy;by all the music stirred in Virgil's lay, to make AEneas ever march theworld; by all the heav'nly fury of the theme, AEschylus-taken, picturinggods to men; by all the Art o'er nature raised sublime, and untoXenophon revealed by night, to make Ten Thousand nobler in Retreat thanthrice ten thousand by a Caesar led; by All that unto All hath beentheir All, I charge thee, oh, thou impulse of the gods! grand as thestorm and chainless as the wind, descend on me! as lightning from thecloud descends to beacon what the storm makes dark. That I may write,in words of thunder born, such deeds as strengthen while they shake theworld; that I may write, in lines to trumpets tuned, such acts as makemen brothers to the gods; that I may write, in notes to mock the lute,such feats of cunning as lull Fate to sleep; that I may dip th'immortalizing pen in bright Pactolus' ever golden stream, and write, inlanguage sweeter to the ear than Hymet's honey to soft Dion's lips,glories of arms to first make Nature crouch--then leap to somethinghigher than herself!

  (If any man objects to that sort of thing, my boy, may he be whipped todeath by the aged maidens of the Confederacy, and utterly perish _perflagellationem extremam_.)

  And now I feel the Homeric inspiration in all my veins as I dip theimpatient quill into the Black Republican ink, and hasten to record thedeathless honors recently reaped by the Mackerel Iron-plated Squadronin a deathless attack upon Fort Piano.

  You may remember, my boy, that the construction of a pier on Duck Lakeby some shameless Confederacies, and the erection on the end thereof ofFort Piano, was first made known to our noble old sea-dog, Rear AdmiralHead, whilst he sat on the quarter deck of his original iron-platedsquadron fishing for bass, by the accidental knocking of the squadronagainst the end of the pier. His back being turned at the time, he hadnot noticed the building of the terrible fortification; and when thehorrible jar of the collision caused him to look that way, he found sixvillanous horse-pistols so planted by the disrespectful Confederaciesas to exactly command his fish-basket and box of bait. You may alsoremember my boy, how our glorious old Neptune subsequently caused thestanch "Secretary Welles" to run the blockade of the fort, tothoroughly test the invulnerability of the iron-clad principle; and howthe result of that test satisfactorily proved the iron-clad principleto be entirely testaceous.

  Since then, you have heard about the building of the new Mackereliron-plated squadron, the "Shockingbadhat," with Rear Admiral Head'snewly improved turret and reversed swivel-gun; but you have not yetheard, my boy, anything at all about the unique manufacture of sixadditional iron-plated squadrons, to participate with the"Shockingbadhat" in the recent severe attack on Fort Piano. You havenot heard of these six new monsters before, my boy, and respect for thereally decent families of the inventors forbids that I should tell youanything descriptive about them now, save their names.

  It was intended that the name of the first should be something full ofsignificance to perfidious England, and, at the same time, somethingnever used in England. Hence, she was christened the "Aitch."

  The second was to bear a name signifying the power of bending withoutbreaking; and so she was called after that elastic tree, the "Yew."

  In the name of the third, the Government wished to pay a complimentarytribute to Rear Admiral Head; and, in honor of his daughter, Emma, thesquadron was named the "Em."

  The fourth iron-plated invulnerable Mackerel monster it was deemedproper to decorate with a name expressive of industry coupled with apower to sting; and so she was called the "Bee."

  There was some discussion about the proper title for the fifth patentiron-clad, each member of the generous Mackerel Naval Committee sayingto the other: "Why can't she be named after you?" So, it was at lengthdecided, to happily compromise the matter by calling her the "You."

  By common consent the sixth invincible iron monster was adjudged to beknown by the first of General George B. McClellan's initials, and wasentitled the "Gee."

  Add these new national champions of the deep, my boy, to the"Shockingbadhat," and you will have some idea of the glorious navalpageant prepared to administer wholesome correction to the irreverentConfederacies of Fort Piano, and teach the world that worn-outcooking-stoves can be sold to the sagacious Government of the UnitedStates of America for something better than old iron.

  The "Shockingbadhat" was the flag-ship; and, on the morning of theattack, the hoary Rear Admiral Head repaired to the top of her turretwith his umbrella, fishing-rod, and pocket-microscope, taking with himthe Mackerel crew to work the improved swivel-gun, which was also upthere; and giving orders to another unconquerable Mackerel to locatehimself amidships with a quart measure, for the purpose of measuringthe number of bushels of shots striking the turret during the first twoseconds of the approaching sea-fight.

  Ranged along the right shore of Duck Lake, my boy, to witness thebattle and lend lustre to the landscape, was a land-force of virtuousMackerels, under command of the venerable grandmother of Rear AdmiralHead; and she was the one whose appearance gave rise to that rumoramongst the Confederacies in the Fort, that Secretary Welles wasreviewing the troops in person.

  On the opposite shore of the Lake was a delegation of European chaps,come to behold the engagement; including Fatti O'Murphy, candidate forthe vacant throne of Greece; the Hon. Mr. New Troloppe, of England; andle Marquis Non Puebla, French Minister to Mexico.

  At the head of the Lake, my boy, I stood myself, with my bit of smokedglass in my hand; and around me were the reporters of all the reliableand excellent morning journals, spitting on their hands, preparatory towriting their exciting descriptions of personal danger.

  Precisely at noon the Mackerels of the land force raised theirumbrellas, the Mackerel crews got aboard their respective squadrons,and exercises were commenced by the singing of--

  "My country, 'tis of thee."

  As the last strain died away, we could hear that grim old sea-dog, RearAdmiral Head, swearing in his iron-plated manner, and then the wholenaval pageant swept magnificently to the front of Fort Piano; the"Shockingbadhat" leading, closely followed by the "Aitch," the "Yew,"the "Em," the "Bee," the "You," and the "Gee." It was a glorious sight,my boy,--a glorious sight, and moved me like the First of May.

  For the purpose of testing the range and drawing the fire of theunseemly Confederacies' Artillery, Rear Admiral Head carefully let downhis old white hat into the waves, and suffered it to drift slowly pastthe north-east face of Fort Piano. We held our breath as we saw theartful decoy whirl for a moment in an eddy caused by a land-crab, andthen drift against the pier, where it stuck. Immediately a hand wasseen reaching down after it, the hat was drawn up, and a prodigioushorse-laugh arose from the uncomely Confederacies in the Fort. Theysupposed the hat to be Mr. Greely's.

  "Sink my Keokuk!" roared Rear Admiral Head, in his iron-platedmanner,--"I really believe the treasonable insects have been and stolenmy beaver,--obstruct my Ironsides, if I don't!"

  Scarcely had the words passed his lips, my boy, when a Confederacy _enbarbette_ discharged a double-barrelled fowling-piece at the "Aitch"knocking off two of her front covers, breaking several bars of hergrates, and piercing her oven in numerous places. Instantly the cryarose
of "One of the cooking-stoves is sinking!" which so bewilderedRear-Admiral Head that he discharged his swivel-gun one point too farto the windward, and immediately found his flagship entangled onseveral strings with which the Confederacies had obstructed thepassage.

  "Disable my Patapsco!" exclaimed the indomitable old Neptune, in hisiron-plated manner, "the insects have tied us fast,--bend my turrets ifthey haven't."

  At this time, my boy, the concentrated fire of the Fort was terrific,six horse-pistols being in full play at once, and the Mackerel with thequart measure amidships reporting that the turret of the"Shockingbadhat" had been hit three quarts of times in thirty seconds.

  Such being the case, and the European delegation having gone home witha view to shaking off their inclination to fall asleep, the stern oldcommander ordered a wet blanket to be thrown over his swivel-gun, andsuch of the iron-plated squadron as had not sunk were immediately runashore. The affair had been merely a reconnoissance.

  Shortly after the conclusion of this terrible artillery duel, and a fewminutes subsequent to a touching exchange of congratulations betweenthe unconquerable Rear-Admiral and his venerable grandmother, therehastily arrived from Paris an obese middle-aged chap, in black cottongloves and a scratch wig, and says he to the Admiral:

  "Allow me to bless you, Sir,--My name is Hunter, Sir,--for yourexcellent iron-clad conduct. We should all be grateful, sir, that youhave passed safely through 'a concentric fire that has never heretoforehad a parallel in the history of warfare.'"

  Never heretofore had a parallel! What could he have meant, my boy? Howcould a _concentric_ fire have a _parallel_ at any time?

  Yours, questioningly,

  ORPHEUS C. KERR.