The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers, Series 3
LETTER XCIV.
AFFORDING AN INSTANCE OF IMPERCEPTIBLE PATRIOTISM; PRESENTING THE PROFOUND COMMENTARY OF AN EMINENT FOREIGN MILITARY CRITIC; AND REPORTING THE LAST EFFUSION OF THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.
WASHINGTON, D.C., May 17th, 1863.
When great interests are at stake, my boy, and strong passions areexcited, and when it becomes necessary that a whole nation shall beunanimous for its own preservation from destruction, we occasionallymeet with chaps of severe countenance and much shirt-ruffles, whosepatriotism is purely that of descent, and not at all of assent. Sincethis great strategic war commenced, I have encountered diversiron-faced and brass-mounted conservative fellow-beings, whosesentiments in action have seemed to establish as an inevitablepostulate in logic, that a man sired by a hero of '76, must naturallybe damn'd by the heroes of '63; and that a man with Revolutionary bloodin his veins is entirely exempted from all legitimacy to a propensityfor spilling the least drop of that sacred liquid in behalf of a causenot Revolutionary. It was on Tuesday, my boy, that I met the HonorableFernando Fuel, the member-elect from the Sixth Ward, who had comehither for the express purpose of getting up for himself an entirelynew coat of arms, according to New York Heraldry, and of procuring fromsome scholar a recondite couplet that should at once serve, in mottoform, to denote his Revolutionary descent, and express his high moralpatriotism as apart from any partisan desire to see injuries inflictedupon the Wayward Sisters of his distracted country. He came to me, andsays he:
"Learning, sir, that you are qualified to cull from your extensivepoetical readings some unique couplet appropriate for my approachingcoat-of-arms, I desire you to furnish me with the same, and presentyour bill to our Excellent Democratic Organization, of which I am ChiefIndian near--In short, a Sachem local. My patriotism," says he, shadinga slight cough with a black cotton-glove,--"My patriotism is doubted bynone but those imbecile despots who defeated our Excellent DemocraticOrganization in the last Presidential election, and are now waging abloody and unnatural war for the sake of the Demon of Africa. But mypatriotism hurls back the epithet of 'traitor,' and is clearlyestablished by the fact that I had an ancestor in the Revolution. It ismy wish," says this plausibly-spoken chap, nodding to a Faro-banker ashe happened to pass at that moment,--"it is my wish that the coupletshould express, neatly and figuratively as it were, the exact degree ofmy present patriotism, and its derivation from my Revolutionaryancestor. Let it represent me clothed in patriotism, as it were."
I thought upon his words for a while, my boy, and then says I:
"For such unspeakable patriotism as yours, good Fuel, there can be nofiner couplet than this:
"'_A painted vest Prince Vortiger had on,_ _That from a naked Pict his grandsire won._'"
The Honorable Fuel turned very crimson in the face with intensegratification, and says he: "Ha! ha!--ahem! Yes, that's not bad. Ha!ha! very good--you infernal Black Republican you!"
He left me, as a cloud might leave the sun with which it had vainlyattempted to cut up shines, and I felt for a moment, like one lost inthe Wood. With the best intentions in the world, I had only succeededin adding Fuel to the flames of treason.
It pleases me to say that Herr Suvchork, one of those eminent foreignstrategists of war who have visited our distracted country for thetruly benignant purpose of teaching us how we may win battles onlyrecently lost, has honored me with a great metaphysical criticism uponthe recent reconnoissance and triangular proceeding of the New Generalof the Mackerel Brigade against the well-known Southern Confederacieson the other side of Duck Lake. We may all learn a valuable lesson, myboy, from this able _critique_, which reads thus:
"SOMEDINGS ABOUT ODDERDINGS.
"I have notice in der bapers that der Genral Fighting Cok cross Dook Lake in two parts, the odder day, when he assaulted the Rebel Army von Lee, which was strongly post in entrenchment built especial for dees purpose. Das was vare wrong, and oppose to all the princeeples von der Great Napoleon. Das vas der great troubles with Fritz Magnus von Prussia, at Kunersdorf, where he had dirty dousand pick troops, and lost seventeen dousand, in sooch way. Genral Fighting Cok was adopting der princeeple of der Duke von Cumberland at Fontenoy, when he should adopt sooch plan as that of Marechal Saxe, und keep his troops all togedder, und not cross Dook Lake in two parts. To attack sooch Rebel Army in entrenchment built especial for dees purpose, it was necessaire as he should do everydings togedder; keep his troops altogedder, und fight them altogedder.
"I have not known Genral Fighting Cok in Germany, and I knows not as he is as good Genral as Sigel; so I cannot say as he is sooch goot Genral as Sigel und me. But _merk auf_!--_merk auf_--he has not so large militaire mind as
A. P. SUVCHORK."
While you will join with me, my boy, in acknowledging the soundness ofthis criticism from our able German critic, I am sure that we must bothperceive something like cruelty to animals in the very common practiceof giving the exact directions for gaining a victory so soon after thebattle has terminated in defeat. It is like telling a patient who hasjust taken a dose of salts, how he might have cured himself by a courseof _pates de foie gras_.
And now let me direct your most intense attention to the Mackerel Campon this side of Duck Lake, where the spectacled veterans are allrepairing their umbrellas for another reconnoissance toward the firstpoint of the compass that seems most vulnerable. They are all full ofenthusiasm, my boy, over the loss of some of their comrades and arms inthe recent triangular geometrical proceedings against the unseemlyConfederacy, and unanimously demand to be led against the enemies ofhuman freedom that presume to show the freedom of human enemies.
You may remember that, just previous to the recent crossing of DuckLake, Captain Samyule Sa-mith was despatched with the AnatomicalCavalry to dig a canal in the immediate rear of the SouthernConfederacy, in order that the legions of the enemies of human freedomabout to be captured by surprise, might be at once set to hard labor onthe tow-path. It was not more than four days after all the fighting wasover that Samyule came back with his equestrian warriors, and says theGeneral to him:
"Well, boy, is the canal finished?"
Samyule scratched his head, and says he: "Not quite, sire; but we havetorn up a Confederate railroad."
It was this circumstance, my boy, that gave rise to the recent reportsof the capture of Richmond, as considerable of the Rebel capital isknown to be invested in railroad iron.
Shortly after Samyule's return, the Grim Old Fighting Cox took off hiscoat, rolled up his sleeves, ordered a couple of spies to be executed,and discharged the following
"CONGRATULATORY ORDER.
"HEAD QUARTERS MACKEREL BRIGADE.
"The General commanding tenders to the aged Mackerels his congratulations on their achievements of the last seven days, which were week.
"If they have not accomplished all that was expected, the reason is, that more was expected than has been accomplished.
"It is sufficient to say that they were of a character not to be foreseen without foresight, nor prevented without human sagacity and attainable resources.
"In withdrawing from the other side of Duck Lake without delivering a general battle to our adversaries, the Mackerels have proved their renewed diffidence in themselves, and their fidelity to a high standard of retiring modesty.
"In fighting at a disadvantage, instead of at the enemy, we would have been recreant to our trust in our pontoons.
"Profoundly loyal, and conscious of its strength, the Mackerel Brigade will give or decline battle whenever it considers the weather sufficiently pleasant and the newspapers sufficiently snubbed.
"It will also be the dictator of its own history and the vindicator of its own legs.
"By our celerity and secrecy of movement, both in crossing and re-crossing Duck Lake, we neither pursued, nor were pursued by, a Rebel.
br /> "The events of the last week may swell with pride the feet of every officer and soldier in this Brigade.
"We have made long marches and countermarches, crossed and re-crossed lakes, surprised the enemy by our advance, brought back seven pieces of our artillery, and given heavier blows than the wind.
"We have nothing to regret, save the loss of our brave companions, and in this we may be consoled by the conviction that they fell in the holiest cause ever left so exclusively to the care of Providence, that very little human intelligence was deemed necessary to direct its arbitrament in battle.
"(Blue Seal.)
"THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE."
As we consider the vast world of animated nature, my boy, and mark whatapparent simplicity there is in the structure of beast, bird, andreptile, does it not seem exceedingly strange, that all of man'svaunted ingenuity has thus far succeeded in making imitativeapproximation only to the insect kingdom,--the apparently leastdifficult of all,--and to _that_ only by such a spurious kind of a bugas Humbug?
Yours, wonderingly,
ORPHEUS C. KERR.