Balance - Book one

  Part of me knew he was right. It was ridiculous to start developing a conscience at this point. On my list of ever growing crimes I had; mind invasion, attempted rape, insurance fraud, cheating and even betrayal. Questioning the theft of a car now would be like a model who wore fur coats but righteously turned her nose up at a snake skin belt. Though, I still felt there was difference between ripping off wealthy gamblers and stealing the car of an average citizen. But perhaps that distinction existed only in my mind. And, after all, we had not just ripped them off. It had gone much further… I had…

  I was cold.

  An image returned to me with such jarring clarity I felt I had been struck in the face with a photograph.

  Conrad: that smug, violent little bastard; the Spirit orb hitting him in the head, squashing his nose flat and crushing his face. That alone would have been enough to haunt me. But his head had snapped back so far I was certain the rear of his skull had struck the area between his shoulder blades. And then his body had gone flying backwards, limp as a dead snake. A young man by my hand. I had killed him.

  I hadn’t meant it I hadn’t meant I am not my grandmother’s blood I am not…

  My hands were covering my face and my own voice sounded foreign. “Oh no! Oh shit! Oh no…”

  “What?” I heard Benny say, voice ringing with concern, “What?! Do you need coffee?”

  “I killed him! Oh no! Oh God! I killed him!”

  Guilt and anxiety, thick and noxious as poisonous fumes, was crowding into my head from every angle. I wanted my painkillers, craved my painkillers. God why had I thrown them out of the window?

  It was suddenly as clear as day. It was in my blood. Fran and Liza Clarence, my family, my blood, were murderers, thieves and manipulators. And I was one of them. I had stamped it on my soul, declared it in the clearest way possible; I was a Clarence. And a murderer.

  “Hey! Hey! Look at me!” He tore my hands away and grabbed me by the chin, turning my head to look into his face. “You did what you had to do! Relax! Okay? Just, relax!”

  I stared at him, seeing something that bordered on terror present in his expression. He was scared of me. Looking like a bomb disarming expert in the presence of an unstable explosive.

  “It’s okay,” I muttered, pushing his hand away, “I’m fine.”

  A glance around revealed that the windscreen and side windows had developed cracks where there had been none. Had I done that…?

  “He would have killed you,” Benny continued, “He was a snotty, arrogant little prick and he got what was coming to him. You know it and I know it.”

  Yes, he may not have been the most likable character in the world; striking Bruno with a complete lack of emotion and exhibiting the charm of a high school bully. But that would surely not ease the pain his mother and family felt when learning of his death. Hell, he may have had a wife. Children?

  “You don’t know that,” I replied, “You don’t know he deserved death.”

  “Yes!” Benny snapped, “I do know that! And so do you! Shit happens, Jet! Every damn day shit happens! And if you sit around dwelling on it you’ll need more than a few cups of coffee to keep yourself sane. You get what I’m saying?”

  Besides the fact that Benny was speaking from a fear of my losing control, I got what he was saying. The last thing my already unstable mind needed was a healthy dollop of guilt. I guess, when it came right down to it, all I had was the solace that my thoughts were my own.

  He deserved it.

  “He deserved it,” I said.

  “That’s right. Say it again!”

  “He deserved it.”

  “Again!”

  “He deserved it!”

  “Good! And don’t you forget it.”

  Calm descended over me. Another self imposed spell clanked into place. I was okay with it. Be it temporary or not, I was okay with being a murderer. Was this a good thing? Probably not. Another wall waiting to collapse. But even questioning the fact was a danger I could not afford.

  “Welcome back,” Benny declared, “Now come on, we need a car.”

  He popped open the passenger door and climbed out. I followed.

  Directly ahead a car pulled up and a middle aged man climbed out, looking to be as close to the average person as you could hope for. He headed for the little cafe but stopped in his tracks upon seeing our car.

  “Now how did that happen?” he asked curiously, noticing our cracked windows.

  “Just a little mishap,” Benny responded, handing the man our car keys. “I think you’ll find it’s not too expensive a thing to sort out.”

  “Okay,” the man replied. His eyebrows knitted together in confusion.

  There was a pause. The two men made eye contact.

  “Don’t forget my keys,” Benny added.

  “Certainly. How silly of me.”

  The man handed Benny his own keys, his expression saying that he was a little embarrassed at his own foolish misconduct.

  “Alright, have a good day now,” Benny concluded with a smile, patting the man on the shoulder.

  Benny gestured to me and we approached our new car; an old model that looked to be in well kept condition. We climbed in.

  “What now?” I asked.

  “Now we get my brother.”

  He started the car and we pulled off, heading in the direction of the Valhalla Hotel.