Monstrato

  ~~~

  Sometimes when I walked by Tammy's office, I'd see Hope sitting in there not saying anything. She looked like she didn't even want to be there but was too scared to get up and leave. I'd see her sitting in the far back corner with her back against a bookshelf, not talking to anyone and no one talking to her. Then I'd carry that picture around in my head for the rest of the day—this picture of Hope trying to be friends with people who didn't even like her. I knew it had something to do with the power of Corena. For some reason, Hope needed to act as if she and Corena were friends.

  Hope wouldn't talk to me anymore. It's not like she was being rude about it. She just didn't have much to say. We'd still sit by each other in class, but she was off in her own world, drifting through school like a zombie.

  She was depressed. I could tell because she looked dead in the face. It wasn't the dead look someone gets when they quit caring—you know, when someone is so overwhelmed, they look like they just wanna lie down and go to sleep. It was different. It was like she knew she looked dead, or she felt dead and was completely comfortable, even enjoying, being in that place. I'd see her standing in the hall next to Garrett while he talked to a bunch of people. He'd be acting like a big shot, roughhousing with Andy, and picking on little kids that went by. Hope would be standing there with a blank look on her face like she had no opinion about anything that might be said…as if she had no feelings for anyone or anything going on around her. She had all the teachers thinking she was sick, was always leaving class to go to the bathroom and staying in there for a long time. I was worried about her and mad at her at the same time because she was acting like we weren't good friends. But we were good friends, even if she wasn't talking to me, so one night, I decided to give her a call.

  I said, "Hey, Hope."

  She said, "Hey."

  "So what's going on?"

  She said, "Oh, nothing," in a dull voice.

  I said, "You know that's not true, and you know I'm gonna keep asking…" I waited and then asked, "…So has Corena found the man of her dreams, is he everything she's always wanted?"

  "I don't know. You should be thankful you don't have to talk to her. All she talks about is Calvin. She acts like we should be so happy for her. What she did to you was really mean."

  "Yeah," I said. "At least I don't have to deal with Corena anymore. So how are you doing? What's this not talking to Macy crap? I thought we were girls, Hope."

  "I don't know. I just don't have any energy for anything that's going on at school right now. I don't even wanna be there."

  "Yeah, well I'm not enjoying school so much, myself. Everyone's avoiding me, even you! Everybody's hanging out in Tammy's office having their little love party."

  "I know. It's so stupid."

  I was waiting for her to make up some reason for why she was always hanging out in Tammy's office, but she didn't say anything. I asked, "So what's up with you? Why you look so sad?"

  "Oh, I'm fine."

  "Come on, Hope, you won't even talk to me. What's wrong?"

  "I don't know. I don't think Garrett likes me anymore. He said he's tired of hearing about my problems."

  I knew it'd be something lame like this, about why she was sad. I got irritated just thinking about having to listen to this story again, about Garrett. I said, "Fuck Garrett. Why do you let him get you down? Why don't you dump his sorry ass and find someone else?"

  She said, "I don't knowww," with her voice trailing off. She sounded irritated. She didn't like it when people talked bad about Garrett. And recently, kids had been calling him a racist because of some comments he'd made. But the way I saw it, if everybody's talking bad about your boyfriend, maybe there's something in it.

  I said, "Hope, why do you stay with him when all he does is say mean things?"

  "He's not always like that," she said. "Sometimes we have fun. I don't know anybody else I'd wanna go out with. They all seem so stupid. At least Garrett's smart."

  "He's a smart ass," I said. "I mean, Garrett doesn't have one of the greatest personalities, you gotta admit…"

  "But at least he's interesting. He's interested in stuff. He likes good music and movies, and he likes to go to cool places. He just doesn't wanna talk about anything—anything having to do with me."

  "Like what?"

  "I don't know…Well, like my parents. He doesn't ever want to hear about them."

  "He doesn't want you to talk about your parents?"

  "Well, you know, like trouble I'm having with them."

  "You got problems with your parents?"

  "Yeah, don't you?"

  I said, "Yeah, I guess so…I guess everybody does. But you got problems with your dad? He doesn't even live with you."

  "Well, that's it. I wanted to go live with him, and he said I could, but now my stepmom doesn't want me to. She's got her kids there, but she doesn't want me there. She hates me."

  I asked, "Why do you wanna go live with your dad?"

  "Why do you think?" She paused for a while and said, "Sometimes I feel like she doesn't even want me. I've told you. She never talks to me, and when she does, it's always about her boyfriend…And she's a slut."

  I said, "Hope, don't call your mom that."

  "She is. She cheats on her boyfriend all the time, and I don't even like him, but I feel sorry for him. I mean, I thought it was bad enough when she started, you know, working at the strip club, but at least she makes money. But now she's always sleeping with all these guys, or doing something, 'cause she doesn't come home. And then Toni calls, and he wants to know where she is."

  "He calls you?"

  "On my cell phone! And I never know what to say."

  "God, that sucks. I mean, you shouldn't have to deal with that. But Hope, you don't really want to go live with your dad, do you? You don't want to leave Lifegate. And what about your mom? She loves you, Hope."

  "She doesn't." Hope said this as if it were a fact. Then she said, "Sometimes I think I'm adopted."

  I said, "You're not adopted, Hope."

  She said, "I don't know. I've been thinking about it lately, and it seems to make sense."

  "That's crazy. What makes you think you're adopted?"

  "Well, it's kind of stupid, but it's what got me thinking about it. I saw something written on the tables in Ms. Strauss's room. It said, 'Dear Hope, I bet you didn't know you were adopted.'"

  I said, "Yeah. It's a joke, Hope. Haven't you ever heard somebody say that? Who wrote it?"

  "I don't know…a girl."

  "Sounds like something Corena would write."

  She said, "Yeah, maybe. But it got me thinking about how my mom treats my brother different than me."

  "Your brother's what, eight years old?"

  "Yeah, I know, but that's not what I mean about her treating him different. Imagine if I was—if I was adopted and didn't know about it. It would explain a lot of things."

  "Hope, you're not adopted."

  "Maybe not. It's just such a drag having her for a mom. It really is. I mean, just the other day, Latisha tells me that Tammy was in the office calling my mom a skank. Can you believe that? How would you feel if everyone thought your mom was a skank?"

  I said, "I don't know, Hope."

  We were quiet for a while, and I thought about how glad I was that Hope's mom wasn't my mom. You know how there are those people who are related to people you know, and you say, "I'm glad that's not my sister," or something like that. That's how I felt about Hope's mom. She was so cold, like an old witch.

  Then I said, "I saw your mom at school the other day, and I talked to her. She said she was there for a meeting."

  Hope said, "My IEP meeting."

  "Yeah? What's that?"

  "For my dyslexia."

  "Oh. Does it bother you? I mean, it doesn't seem to me like it causes you any problems."

  "It doesn't. I'm used to it."

  "Well, that's good that it doesn't bother you."

  She said, "I don't even have an IE
P anymore. I'm on what they call a monitor. They have a meeting to make sure I'm not having any problems, that's all." Then she said, "Well, I should get off the phone. Garrett's supposed to call, and I gotta put my brother to bed."

  We said bye to each other and hung up. I was glad to get off the phone with her because sometimes Hope can really bring me down. Her mom was a skank, or a slut, or whatever you wanna call it, but she wasn't always that way. Hope told me it was only in the last year or so that her mom started being like that. I guess that's what really bothered Hope, seeing her mom change. It's kind of pathetic, really, seeing grown adults acting like teenagers, staying out all night, cheating on their boyfriends. And if the person wasn't always like that, it seems even worse. I'd been thinking about that kind of stuff ever since Calvin and I broke up. I thought about how my mom acted like I'd made some big mistake by sleeping with Calvin's brother. But I was a teenager. I'm supposed to make mistakes. I'd also been thinking that maybe if my mom acted more grown up, then she'd see it that way, too.