House on Fire

Chapter 35

  When Spaz came over it was almost seven.

  “Hi Mr. L!” he yelled as he hopped down the hall. He stopped short at Jessie’s door and bowed low and royally, saying “Good evening, Your Highness.” Then he broke character, vaulted into my room and flopped on the bed.

  “So,” he demanded, now the King of Siam, “Tell me of this ‘homework’ with which you are so occupied.”

  “Just double-checking references for Current Events tomorrow. I don’t suppose you’ve given any thought to a topic yet?”

  “Refresh my memory. What does the Palminator require of us?”

  “Five pages on morality and law.”

  “That’s an oxymoron.”

  I laughed, but then added, “Hey, you know what, Rob? That’s a pretty good thesis. I’ll bet you could make a case that they’re unrelated, if not mutually exclusive.”

  “Brilliant! I’ll start at the Garden of Eden. It was a set-up from the start. God’s only law: ‘Don’t eat the apple.’ But he makes that nice couple into very curious critters, gives them free will, and then plants the tree in the middle of their garden. When even that doesn’t work, he sends is a slick-talking, phallically-shaped animal to charm the girl.”

  I started to snicker.

  “Better yet,” he continued, “he never told them the consequences. Instead of allowing them to learn from their mistake, he kicks them out. What kind of free will is that? They had no chance and he knew it. Now I ask you – it’s that moral?”

  “Then we’ll move to the US constitution, the supreme law of the land, which proclaims that you are fully human only if you have a severe melanin deficiency. That was, of course, later amended to read ‘only if you have testicles,’ which in turn was amended to ‘okay, girls can vote but you still don’t have to pay them as much.’ Right?

  “...And then I’ll cede the floor to whoever chose capital punishment. There you have it, one presentation. Now all I have to do is extract the humor, destroy the delivery, scribe it down like a monk, and turn it in tomorrow morning. It could happen.”

  Our conversations often went like this; comic soliloquies only interrupted by random changes in topic.

  “You look uncharacteristically glum. What’s going on?” I asked.

  “My mom has a new boyfriend.” He rolled his eyes.

  “Yeah, you told me. Todd the God, right?”

  He grinned weakly. “No, she kicked out Mr. Muscles last week. This one is even worse, A Stray Named Stu. Or maybe Stewed would be more like it.”

  “He drinks?”

  “Yeah,” Spaz said. “A lot.”

  “Which means your mom is back to...”

  Spaz nodded, stood up and bellowed, “O thou invisible spirit of wine! If thou hast no name to be known by, let us call thee devil!”

  “That sucks,” I said as he sat down again. “Othello, right?”

  “Excellent. Act two, scene three.”

  “So is that what you’re escaping from tonight?”

  “Three cackling sisters and a mosquito mother.” He flapped his hands like little wings.

  “What’s a mosquito mother?”

  “Kinda like a helicopter mom, but she hovers much closer, and with the intent of sucking the lifeblood from you.”

  “Well, no, she doesn’t have a history of being dangerously overprotective.”

  “This new boyfriend may be exceptional. I get a really bad vibe, but I can’t name it. He’s extra creepy, though. I’m not sure the females are safe there without me, but acting on my doubts was overruled by Captain Morgan.”

  “Uh, that’s seriously not good,” I said, as Amanda’s face came to mind. “How can I be of service?”

  “Not to worry. I thought I’d have your dad walk me home in a few.”

  “Good plan. How’s your dad, Rob?”

  “Bitter, lonely, and depressed, but darned cheerful about it.”

  “Oh, that’s where you get it. Tell him I said ‘Hi,’ okay?”

  “Will do. I’m trying to get his old Buick running.”

  “That rusted out old thing? It’s a heap.”

  “Yeah, but I’ve got my license now. It’d be nice to be able to drive up and see him without having to depend on my mommy.”

  He described how he had been troubleshooting the electrical system, and finally got it to start. He thought maybe there was still a problem with the linkage. I didn’t know what that was, so he explained that, too.

  There was a tap at the door. “Hey, guys.” Dad cracked the door a couple inches. “I’m about ready to get settled in. Robert, if you were going to invite me for a walk, this might be a good time to do it.”

  “Why Mr. L., that’s a great idea! Would you care for a walk?”

  “I thought you’d never ask.”

  Rob raised his hand. “Okay, Cory, I’ll talk to ya tomorrow.”

  “Yeah, okay. G’night, Spaz.”