House on Fire

Chapter 53

  With the roar of the band saw, we didn’t hear Dad come in.

  Jessie set the last clamp and put away the glue. She double-checked the joints, blew me a kiss, and headed up the steps. A few minutes later I heard her call, “Hey Cory! Come get some lunch.” I shut things down and went upstairs. Dad was just putting out plates of hash and eggs, and I realized that I hadn’t eaten yet today.

  I prayed that he wouldn’t mention seeing us together in bed, but when I saw Jessie, it was all I could think about. She was already sitting at the table, peppering her eggs. I wanted to take her in my arms right then there. Maybe I should address it head on.

  “Momin’ Dad, hey Sis,” I said, taking my seat. Dad was looking at me from the stove like he thought I was hilarious. “What?” I asked.

  “Hey, Sis? Huh.” He raised an eyebrow. “Is that all you have for your new girlfriend?”

  Aw, shit, I thought. He’s probably going to bust my chops for the rest of my life. I wanted to crawl into a comer and die there.

  But the tone in his voice wasn’t sarcastic. Maybe he wasn’t making fun. Maybe he knew what I was feeling. Of course he knew. Is that why the blinds are down, or am I grasping at straws? Okay, I thought, let’s see how he takes this.

  My heart in my throat, I got off my chair and walked around to Jessie. She looked at me uncomprehendingly and swallowed her first bite. I leaned over and embraced her, kissing her full on the lips. They were sweet, and tasted like fresh pepper. Her fork hit the plate and then the floor.

  She glanced at Dad. Seeing that she wasn’t in mortal danger, she relaxed a bit and kissed me back. I straightened up, gave her a little kiss on the forehead, and said, “Good morning, Sweetheart.”

  I picked up her fork, put it in the sink, and got a clean one for her from the drawer. I ran my hand across her hair on the way back to my chair.

  She was redder than a fire engine. I probably was too. I ate a bite, realizing that I was using a spoon by mistake. Only then did I sneak a peek at Dad. He’d turned his back and was filling his plate. I quickly traded the spoon for my fork, hoping he hadn’t noticed. Jess was staring at me in shock, as if my hair had just turned purple.

  Dad sat down, and our eyes met. He wasn’t grinning any more.

  “What did you think of that, Bug?”

  “Daddy!” she groaned. The table was silent for several minutes as we ate our lunch.

  Finally, as if the question had just been asked, Jessie quietly said, “It was...” She looked up shyly and her face broke into a beautiful smile “...really nice.”

  Dad nodded, still chewing.

  When we were done, Jess and I cleaned up the kitchen. Dad was making some phone calls in the next room. Jess and I were alone for several minutes. Seizing the moment, we kissed and embraced.

  “Thank you, Cory. That was so sweet what you did,” she whispered in my ear. “And brave. How’d you know that Dad wouldn’t kill you?”

  “I didn’t,” I confessed. “But it wouldn’t have been a bad way to go.”

  Dad came back in and gestured to the dining table. “Have a seat, kids. We need a family meeting.

  “Dad, I’m sorry – we’re sorry – that you had to find us like that this morning. I’d planned to talk to you about, you know, how you felt about sleeping arrangements and stuff. I think we were disrespectful of you, and I apologize.”

  “Thanks for saying so, Son. For all our sakes, I’m glad you had your clothes on.”

  Yeah, I thought, that would have been sub-optimal.

  “I can’t believe you kissed her like that, right in front of me.” He shook his head. “You have balls of solid brass, Son. Men have died for less, you know. Was it as easy as it looked, or were you nervous?”

  “I was scared, really scared, but I had to. I don’t know how to explain it. But I couldn’t just sit there. It’d have been, I don’t know, dishonest somehow.”

  He shook his head again. “Wow. That’s just amazing.”

  “Dad?” I asked, “How are you okay with this?”

  “I’m sorry? Okay with what?”

  “With me and Jessie. Any other parent would’ve totally freaked out, but you’re being so... understanding.”

  “I never said I was okay with it. I’m not. But at the moment the universe doesn’t seem to care how I feel about things.

  “I guess part of it’s that I can – I’m willing to – remember so vividly what it was like to be a teen in love. Your senses and feelings are so intense, your worries so overwhelming, your happiness so boundless. And your pain so deep.

  “At your age, romance can be a fickle thing. Intensely in love one minute and heartbroken the next. That’s why some adults refer to it as puppy love, and are so damned patronizing with their ‘Oh, you’ll get over it’ crap. It’s true when you’re younger emotions can come and go faster, but they’re so frequent and so strong. It’s uncontrollably melodramatic, and that makes life exhausting. Sometimes being a kid – especially a teenager – is just plain shitty.”

  I had never heard any adult admit this.

  “Maybe people have enough problems aging that they can’t bear to remember how hard growing up really is,” he added.

  “What do you mean? I thought things were simpler when you were a teenager.” He had to smile at that.

  “And honestly? I’m ‘freaked out,’ as you say, I’m struggling with this. I’m in uncharted territory. I’d rather have you wait until you’re both older until you fell in love, and not with one another. I’d rather that all kids just waited until they’re thirty before having inconvenient urges. I’m not sure if I know the right way to handle this, but I guess I’m as prepared as I’m going to be.

  “Your Mom and I talked about this, early on. It was clear to her how you felt about each other, and she predicted this would happen. She tried to tell me, but I rejected the notion. I thought that she was just being a romantic, but she knew it from the minute you met.”

  In my head I added, “...and encouraged it.”

  “Even when I first admitted... I knew about you, Cory. I mean, I assumed that you’d grow out of it. I hoped that as you grew up, you’d fall in love with a nice girl and avoid the family curse. For a while I thought... I saw you acting distant from each other. I was so relieved.

  “I guess that I just saw what I wanted to see, and I know better than that. It was hard to accept, that your Mom may have been right, and that you two...” he trailed off, not quite sure how to describe the situation.

  “...are in love?” I ventured. Something was nagging at a corner of my brain.

  “You’re respectful and obedient kids,” he glanced at Jessie. “…mostly, I mean. But I’ve raised you to think for yourselves and to be tenacious, too. Cory, I know you had to figure out your own heart, and it really hurt me to watch. Now I know the process has been hard on both of you, and I’m sorry for that.”

  “Yeah,” Jessie whispered.

  “I want to be clear – this situation isn’t your fault. You can’t help how you feel, any more than your Mom and I did when we were young. Maybe I can help you make better choices.

  “The things you said last night, Cory? That took a lot of courage, and whatever this is, it’s brought out a side of you I didn’t know was there. As painful as this is for me, I recognize and respect your passion.

  “I can see that you’re in love with each other – that’s plain as day. Normally at the beginning of a relationship, there is a degree of infatuation, and I see that’s true with you two.”

  “I have to disagree with you there, Dad,”

  “With which part?”

  “Well, correct me if I’m wrong, Jess, but I don’t think ‘infatuated’ is a fair assessment, Dad. We’re excited. When you got out of the Army and found Mom, were you infatuated with her?”

  “No, I wouldn’t say that, but then we’d loved each other for years, and just reunited as a couple. So yeah, maybe excited is a
better term. But you kids...”

  “...have loved each other for years,” I broke in again, “And just yesterday reunited as a couple. How is that so different?”

  He pulled on his beard but didn’t say anything.

  “Besides, Dad, infatuation is usually based on unrealistic perceptions.”

  “I’m glad you understand that. Eventually the feeling of ‘falling in love’ goes away, turns sour, or becomes a deep and lasting love.”

  “But we’ve lived together for years. We know what we’re getting.”

  Dad scowled.

  “You of all people should know from experience is that some teens really do understand what real love is.” That earned me another scowl.

  “Cory, you kids are mature for your age, but a fifteen-year-old’s brain just isn’t fully developed. Physiologically, I mean, especially where actions and consequences are concerned. That’s a scientific fact.”

  Sis asked, “So you want us to wait until we’re twenty-three to start making decisions about our lives?”

  “Dad,” I tried, “You’ve always given us responsibilities to help us learn to be responsible. You’ve never told us not to act because we might fail. You try to make the consequences clear, and let us decide.”

  “Okay,” he countered, “Let’s seriously consider the consequences of failure, especially knowing that, statistically, no matter who you have a relationship with, the odds are hard against you.

  “The most serious downside of failed relationship is if children are involved. Little kids shouldn’t have to suffer because their parents were lazy, irresponsible, or just being spontaneous. I’m going on the premise that, again, no matter who you you’re with, you’ll wait until at least your mid-twenties to have kids, until you’ve graduated from college and have held a job for a while. You both know how to prevent pregnancy, and I expect you to do so, no matter what. Can you promise me that?”

  “Yes, I promise.”

  “I promise, too, Daddy.”

  “I really don’t think you’re ready for sex. Maybe I’m prejudiced because of my experience, but that doesn’t make me wrong.”

  “On the other hand, Dad, you also know from experience that when two people are intent on it, they’ll eventually find a way to be together, and there is nothing anyone could say that’ll stop them.” I could tell that didn’t sit well. “Like you said, no matter who we love, we know it’s up to us to apply everything you taught us.”

  Dad nodded. “The next most serious result of a failed relationship is what it costs emotionally. If it doesn’t work out, it could turn your affection to bitterness, and poison your relationship for the rest of your lives. It could consume you with hate and recrimination toward each other. Even my relationship with you could become collateral damage.”

  I thought about how angry I was at Mom. He was right – it was a real risk.

  “And don’t you dare say it’ll never happen,” he went on. “Everybody who gets married says that, and they all have more experience than you. But half are proven wrong. So, could you live with hating each other?”

  “I honestly don’t know if I could take it, Dad,” I answered, “It’d tear my heart from inside me. But I know I can’t live like this.”

  Jessie shifted in her chair.

  “Daddy, you always said that fools regret what they’ve done, and the wise regret what they didn’t do. I’d be a fool not to try and work this out, and to torture myself with ‘what-ifs’ for the rest of my life.”

  That comment earned her a stern look, but it was true. He took that deep breath, the one that usually comes before bad news.

  “I don’t know how you expect me to tolerate this relationship, much less actively support it. It goes against my common sense and – in many ways – against my morals. But I don’t have a lot of options. We’ll just have to deal with reality, and do the best we can.

  “Now that you know how the other feels, it’s dangerous, and it makes every part of our lives complicated. As your parent it’s my job to protect us all.

  “First, let’s talk about those consequences. You were right last night. People aren’t blind, and they’ll figure it out, sooner rather than later. In days, maybe hours, it could be very public knowledge.”

  “Daddy, my friends already know I’m in love – I just haven’t told them who. All I’d have to do is look at Cory now and it might as well be a neon sign. School’s where we’ll get caught.”

  “Have either of you shared your feelings with anyone?”

  “I told you that Spaz figured it out, about me, I mean. He means well, but if there’s a leak, it’ll be him. Oh, and I talked to Father John on Saturday.”

  Dad’s eyebrows went up. “Really. And what did he tell you?”

  “Just that I should talk to you.”

  “Oh, okay... How about you, Bug?”

  “I talked to Father John, too. The day after I tried to talk to Cory about it.”

  “You did, huh? That’s very interesting.”

  So, I thought, the old priest knew all week and didn’t tell Dad. Maybe he couldn’t.

  “Cory, your friend knows about you and will likely let it slip. What’ll happen when your other friends find out? I’m not talking about name-calling. How will your friends behave around you? Will they support you, or will they treat you like a freak? More than that, how will their parents react – do you think they’d still ask you over, or let your friends come here?

  “How would they feel about their kids going to school with you? How about our neighbors? Even the people at our church? They’re good Christians, and they wouldn’t abide anything they considered so sinful. Reverend Adams – would he support or condemn you?

  “If people knew about both of you it’d be ten times worse. Everyone in town knows you as brother and sister, and they’re already on edge because of Amanda’s family. Cory’s right – they’ll jump to conclusions. Rumors and accusations will fly. I’ve seen this kind of thing. They’ll take you, separate you, and put you in foster care. Yeah, maybe I’d lose my job.”

  “So Dad, you’re saying it’s inevitable. We’ve already opened Pandora’s Box.”

  “Not yet, but as soon as it’s public. I’m not telling you this to frighten you, but you have to understand what we’re up against.”

  “It’s not working,” Jess mumbled, “I’m scared.”

  “Well, Bug, being in a crisis is scary, but fortunately your Dad’s pretty good in crisis situations. The way to handle a crisis is to be prepared, stay calm, assess the situation realistically, consider all your options, and take your best shot.”

  I reached for Jessie’s hand under the table.

  “One of us could switch to a different school,” I suggested. “There are private schools around here, like parochial schools, right? That way you could at least keep your job and the house and everything. “

  “It’s something I considered when I started to suspect your problem, Cory. That’d be the easiest option. There’d be much less opportunity to interact in front of other people. There are two religious schools that are accredited for tenth grade – one here and one near work. Both are very small, fewer than twenty students. As a new kid, you’d be the subject of intense curiosity.”

  It didn’t sound pleasant, but I was willing to do whatever was necessary. “That’s okay, Dad. I’m sure I could make it work. I’d find a way to blend in. If you think that’s best, I’ll try.”

  “I appreciate the can-do attitude, Son. But you have no idea how brave those words are. I think you’d find it claustrophobic to be the only kid in your grade.”

  “There’s a bigger problem. Both of them are, religiously speaking, extremely different from our church. Don’t get me wrong. They aren’t bad places, and I’m sure the people are good people. But I cannot abide what these groups preach, and I won’t have you indoctrinated into their thinking.”

  “Are there some that aren’t religious?
”

  “There’s the alternative high school north of here...”

  “I considered that. It’s for kids with problems, and would require your principal’s recommendation. There’s nothing in your grades or behavior that supports it. It’d look very peculiar for me to request a transfer for either of you.

  “Cory, I thought that you might actually enjoy the vocational school, but they have a long waiting list. I’m not even sure we could get you in next fall. There are also a couple treatment campuses, but you’d have to have behavioral problems or addictions to get in.”

  He sighed. “If we lived near Detroit or Chicago we’d have plenty of choices, but there just isn’t a big selection around here. I think that covers the less drastic options. The other two choices are that one of us goes or we all go,” Dad said.

  “Yeah, we thought you might send one of us away.” I sighed, “In other families, one of us could go live with a relative, an aunt or uncle, you know? But I don’t think we have anybody – not one that would be appropriate. We thought about a boarding school. At least we could stay in contact, and see each other on breaks.”

  “What about the ranch? Maybe one of us could live there for a couple years.”

  Dad leaned back in his chair.

  “Look kids, it gets really complicated. But for many reasons I can’t – I won’t – send one of you away. I’m...” He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration.

  “Let’s just say I’m not willing to give up being your parent right now. Maybe it’s selfish, but I just won’t do it. As the executive, I say we stay together. That’s more important than my job, this house, or any of the stuff in it. Almost all of it can be replaced.”

  “It doesn’t seem so bad when you put it like that, Daddy.”

  “Besides, at least I’ll have some influence if I keep you together. Bottom line,” he sighed, “If you really can’t get past your feelings for one another, we can’t stay here. Do you understand? We’ll have to leave, and do it soon, before anyone catches on. So... are you really, truly in love? Are you ready to give up everything – your friends, your home, everything you’ve known – for this feeling you have?”

  Sis looked at me. “Any doubts?”

  I shook my head. “No, no doubts.” Then to Dad, “I don’t want you to lose your job for us. I feel really bad that we’ve put you in that position. But it’s not going away. I think you’re right. We can’t stay here. We’ll move somewhere else. Start over. It’d probably have to be out of state.”

  Jess said, “At least in a new school no one will assume we’re related. But if we lived together and acted like boyfriend and girlfriend, it still would raise questions. How about someplace bigger, with two high schools? That’d work better. We’d still have to maintain the pretense – separate bedrooms and all.” Dad and I both raised our eyebrows, but she didn’t seem to notice. “And we probably couldn’t have mutual friends.”

  “You’re right. You still couldn’t interact with any friends. The way you look at each other, you probably couldn’t even go grocery shopping together. It’d only be a temporary solution. No matter where we go, eventually you’ll have to interact in public, and the truth will out.

  “Okay, so even if we move we have a couple serious problems. First, you can’t just hide. There are compulsory attendance laws in every state, and you’re not dropping out.

  “Second, you’re under age and will be for the next two years. As Cory pointed out, you’re only human, and I can’t have you sneaking into each other’s beds.”

  He glared at Jessie, and she looked at her feet.

  “Any sexual contact between you – anything – is against the law, and it would be my duty to prevent it. If it was determined that I knew, should’ve known, ignored, or especially if I condoned it, they could send me to prison, and send you to foster care. Separately.

  “Finally, even if all those things were legal, as a father, I wouldn’t permit it. Maybe it’s some instinctual thing, but it’s just not acceptable. I don’t know any dad that would allow his underage daughter’s boyfriend to live in the same house.”

  He was quiet for a moment. I studied his face. His forehead wasn’t wrinkled, so he wasn’t pondering. Jess and I glanced at each other. The pause grew too long for simple effect. He actually looked indecisive, something I had never seen.

  “There just aren’t a lot of options,” he groaned softly. “Jessie? Cory? I need to know how serious you’re about these feelings for each other.”

  “Dad, we couldn’t be more serious. We’re already married, in the important way. We’ve promised to love each other.”

  “We already said ‘I do.’ Like you and Mom did when you were our age,” Jessie clarified.

  “Are you willing to say it again?”

  “Sure.” We looked at each other, and together said, “I do.”

  “Not now, not for me, for real.”

  “Do you mean...?”

  “If you could, would you really marry each other? Seriously.”

  It felt like my heart stopped beating.

  “We told you, Daddy. We’re already married for real. If we could do it legally, too? Of course – in a heartbeat.”

  “And you?” he asked.

  “I told you, Dad. We’re going to as soon as we can.”

  He sighed deeply, as if defeated. He closed his eyes. “Emma if you’re listening...”and then, “May God forgive me. I just don’t see any other solution. I guess it’s Colorado.”

  Did he just say that? Jessie looked at me, her eyes wide. I was stunned. Jessie started jumping up and down and squealing, but I couldn’t believe it. There was no way that he just said that. We all hugged, but something wasn’t right. How could he have completely changed his mind overnight?

  “Cory, there is a correct way to do this. Do you remember when we talked about paying respect to another male?”

  The memory was vivid, though I didn’t remember much “we" in the discussion.

  “Yes, of course.”

  “This is one of those times.” I could almost picture him pawing the ground, horns lowered and nostrils flaring. “It’s traditional for a hopeful suitor to first ask the girl’s father for permission, man to man.” Jessie sat down with her hands over her mouth. “Right now I’m not acting as your Dad. I’m her father, and I don’t take this subject lightly.”

  This was definitely strange. But whatever this was, it was not a joke. There was that hardness in his face. I felt giddy and terrified. Okay, well, here goes...

  “Sir, I’d like permission to marry your daughter... and your blessing.” Behind me, Jessie emitted a quiet peep.

  “You’re both very young, and I’m only forty-one. I believe it’s fatal for a man to be a grandfather before he’s fifty. Would I have your word that you won’t send me to an early grave?”

  He betrayed no amusement, so I suppressed a smile. “Yes, sir. You have my word.”

  “That passion you showed me last night… can you keep that in your heart for her every day?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “Do you understand that if you’re ever unkind or untrue I’ll personally break your legs?”

  It didn’t feel nearly as good being on the other side of those words. And how’d he know that anyway? I really couldn’t tell if he was just teasing me now and I could laugh. I looked in his eyes for a clue. He was serious. “I’ll be kind and faithful.”

  “Then you have my permission to ask her. As proof of my approval, you may offer her this.”

  From his shirt pocket, he produced a small gold ring. He held it up hesitantly. I took it from his hand. A single, tiny diamond flashed in the light. “It was... It was her mother’s. If she accepts, you also have my blessing.”

  I was overwhelmed to be holding this object. It had united my parents. It had been worn by my mother. It had to be the dearest thing Dad had left of her, and he was giving it up. He was giving it up to make
the impossible a reality for us.

  “Dad?” I asked hesitantly, “Wasn’t Mom... I glanced at the ring. “I mean, when she was, um, buried...”

  “Before bed she’d put lotion on her hands, and sometimes take off her rings and put them next to the sink. A couple times they fell and I had to take out the drain trap to retrieve them. That’s where they were after the fire.”

  “Oh.” How miraculous and gruesome.

  I threw my arms around him. He gave me a hug, but then pushed me away. “Go on then.”

  I turned around to see Jessie, in her chair with her hands still over her mouth. This was surreal, but I thought I knew what to do next. I knelt down beside her and she turned to me, hands on her knees. I held up the ring.

  “Jessie, I love you with all my heart. Will you marry me?”

  She nodded, as overfilled as I was. I slipped the ring onto her left hand, and then bent to seal it in place with a kiss. I looked at Dad, I guess to see if I’d done it right.

  “Well?” he asked expectantly, and gestured with his hands. “Are you going to kiss each other or what?”

  I know we kissed, but I don’t remember much of the rest of that afternoon. It was a lot to take in. Jessie and I kept staring at the ring in disbelief. My heart was just bursting with happiness. Sis was burning to tell her friends, but she couldn’t, and that was clearly torture. She kept picking up the phone and putting it down.

  At one point, Jess and I ran around the house just laughing and screaming in joy. We collapsed on the couch, amazed and exhausted. She lay next to me and Dad joined us, sitting in his chair.

  Spaz called in the afternoon. He and Jody had spent most of the weekend together and he had to fill me in on every detail, including the fact that she kissed him.

  “How was it?”

  “Un-freaking-believable.” After almost an hour he said, “Enough about me. How are you doing?”

  I was dying to tell him, but couldn’t.

  “Pretty good, thanks. I should get off the phone though.”

  After dinner, I asked to see the ring again. “I can’t believe you’re wearing Mom’s ring. I can’t believe you’re wearing it for me, Sis"

  “You can’t say that. I’m not your sister anymore. You need to get in the habit of just calling me Jessie.”

  “Ah, yeah, right. This’s going to be weird...”

  We were wiped out emotionally.

  “This has been the best day of my life.”

  “Mine, too. Thank you, Dad. Thanks for everything.”

  “Yeah, it’s been a strange one. But I have to say, I’m happy. There is nothing in the world that could give me more pleasure than the joy on your faces, and to see the love between you.” His face didn’t look that thrilled. “Wait until you see what I’m getting you for your birthday.”

  “We don’t need anything, Dad.”

  “I know. That’s why it’s such a good gift.”

  That nagging, illusive thought was back.

  He stood and stretched. “Okay, you fiancées, I’m going to bed. We have stuff to do tomorrow. Please, stay in your own rooms tonight, doors open. Breakfast is at five, sharp. I expect you to be at the table showered and dressed.” With that, he rose and disappeared into the master bedroom, closing the door behind him.