The Black Fossil

  Chapter XVI – Da Vinci’s Orgy

  "That was idiotic," Jim said, "But it was worth it. We have this."

  "Yeah," Jack said, "But what is it?"

  "I don’t know," Jim shrugged, "But Inspector Bricon doesn’t look happy that we found it."

  "He wouldn’t," Jack reminded him, "We could find the Holy Grail and he’d still be pissed off."

  "Yes," Jim agreed, "But we have it and he doesn’t. So I’d suggest we make for the Gremlin if we decide it’s worth keeping."

  "Good idea," Jack agreed, "Let’s go."

  "Stop them!" Inspector Bricon exclaimed, "They’re thieves and murderers!"

  "Now we’d better go," Jim said, "And fast!"

  They dodged the groups of French cops as fast as they could and made their way back into the main museum. Bricon, despite his oversized belly and imbecilic looks, managed to keep in the lead. Jim and Jack made tracks through the museum, keeping a good bit of distance.

  "This is completely lame," Jack yelled, "What’s the next step?"

  "This," Jim exclaimed, knocking over an expensive statue, "Need to repeat the bad gate hitting the foot joke one more time before we leave."

  The gate came slamming down on Bricon’s foot and they got into the Gremlin in the rain before anyone else could catch them. Jack drove it quickly until they managed to get far away from the museum. In other words, this bit had long passed the point of being stale so they needed to get away and begin doing something else.

  They drove to a little place outside Paris where they could examine the object that had been stolen from the museum. They laid it out on the table and tried to figure out what it was.

  "So what is this piece of garbage?" Jack wondered, "I mean we’ve got to have some point to it."

  "Why?" Jim asked, "We haven’t had a point yet in this damned book? We’re starting to fall apart as it is."

  "So ask the guy writing it," Jack suggested, "I mean he’s the one who has brought us to this point. Maybe we can brainstorm some sort of goddamned plot. We’re sure as hell stuck at this point. The last chapter proved that."

  "No kidding," the author said, "I’ve completely run out of ideas for this story. Anyone care to help me figure out what to do with you next?"

  "We’re just the ones running around," Jim said, "Maybe you can figure out what the hell we’re looking for?"

  "How the hell should I know?" the author asked, "I pulled the Black Fossil out of my ass when I started this idiotic project. You two are nothing but a misguided attempt at writing a novel in thirty days. It is meaningless, just like this chapter is."

  "You started a book without an outline?" Jim asked in mock surprise, "That’s rich. You’ve not had an outline in anything you’ve ever done. Why should this be any different?"

  "Lack of time," the author said, "Perhaps I should say to hell with it and let you two languish like I did Stacy Anoki."

  "You like us too much," Jack said, "I mean where else are you going to deal with an idiot hero and a gay Jewish black dude?"

  "True," Jim said, "Besides, this is a cathartic experience for you. You write this crap and by the time you’re done with it you’ll be ready to work on something good again."

  "I’ve thought of that," the author agreed, "Besides, I’d rather let this be a complete and utter piece of crap than admit to myself that I can’t do this."

  "You’re halfway there," Jack said, "It’s already an utter piece of crap. I mean you already parodied Britney Spears and Meatloaf. Hell, you went back and did a parody of the Wizard of Oz. All you have to do is make fun of Michael Jackson and you’ll have an Eminem video. The fact that we’re talking to you now proves you’re out of ideas."

  "No kidding," the author agreed, "The fact that I’m spending time in my other window talking out a story I long ago abandoned means that I’d rather be doing almost anything else."

  "So we need to make this fun again," Jim agreed, "We need to get off this spoof kick and actually do something. So let’s figure out just what the heck Da Vinci’s Orgy is going to get us."

  "Nothing," the author said, "I was thinking of a grand spoof of the Da Vinci Code, but it went seriously awry."

  "Putting it mildly," Jim said, admonishing the author, "So do we just ignore it?"

  "Sure," Jack said, "I mean it doesn’t make any less sense than the rest of this book. Since we’re here talking about it we can just ignore it."

  "So that object on the table is going to magically turn into the Da Vinci Mold," the author said, "See how it turned into a rather comical caricature of a penis? Well, that’s the next sign. It’s a mystical thing that is going to direct you to the next step."

  "Where do we use it though?" Jack asked, "I mean you left out that part."

  "It isn’t nice to point out plot holes big enough to drive a truck through," Jim told his partner, "I’m sure he’ll get to that eventually."

  "Well," the author said, thinking about it a bit, "First you’re driving this Gremlin out of Paris. I hate dealing with France and I swear if anyone else pisses in a soufflé I’m going to pull the plug on all of you!"

  "Note to self," Jim said, "No soufflé pissing."

  "Well," Jack said, "Let’s go to somewhere exotic and find some reason to get there."

  "That’s an idea," Jim said, "But where can we go?"

  "Away from here," the author said, "Take the Da Vinci Mold with you. You’ll be going somewhere far away from here and you will know why you are there when you get there."

  "Will we?" Jack asked, "How?"

  "I don’t know," the author admitted, "But it sounds good. I don’t want to explain how you know what you know so I’m just sending you there and letting the audience assume that someone told you what was going on while you were flying."

  "More airplanes?" Jim groaned, "Not again…"

  "Relax," the author said, "I’ve done that already. I think you need to go to the mountains. You found the original artifact on an island so we’re going to send you off to somewhere that you can deal with some snow and sun. Both at the same time."

  "Where’s that?" Jack asked, "I know of no such place."

  "Sure you do," the author said, "The mythical mountain of sun and snow. You will be there when this chapter ends."

  "Beats Paris," Jim agreed, "Can we end the chapter now?"

  "Either that or we’re going to have to answer to Inspector Bricon," Jack said, "How about it author type dude? Can we go now?"

  "Sure," the author nodded, "Go to the Gremlin and drive as fast as you can. Since I’m in a spoofing mood still I’m going to have you go out like the time machine in Back to the Future. Cool with you?"

  "So long as the Gremlin will take it," Jim said, "You’re driving, Jack."

  "It’ll take it," the author said, "The Gremlin is too funny to destroy."

  "I’m sure Admiral Sackenbrenner will love that," Jack chuckled, "Let’s go… Back to the story!"

  They took the Da Vinci mold with them and loaded their stuff into the Gremlin. The author watched with a bit of pride as the shifted it into gear and started driving it as fast as they could. Once it hit its top speed, which was something between slow and a crawl, they screeched down the street followed by flaming tire tracks. They then disappeared.

  The author kicked back and laughed a little. Then he looked at the screen and realized he was still typing this crap when he should have ended the chapter. He then saw that you were looking at the porn appearing on the other monitor as motivational material.

  "Hey!" the author yelled, "The chapter is over! Follow Jim and Jack you idiots!"

  So you turn the page and move on to the next chapter like good little boys and girls, not sure what is coming next but knowing that it is going to suck as bad as the last parts did.