The Black Fossil

  Chapter XXIII – Plan B

  "They made it here before we did," Adam said, looking at the remains of the cave, "Think they got the Black Fossil?"

  "Of course they did," Reizvolle nodded, "There wouldn’t have been much point in them coming here if they didn’t."

  "So what do we do now?" Adam said, "End the book and run away?"

  "Of course not," Reizvolle grinned, "We must get that black fossil ourselves. It could be used for so many wonderfully evil things."

  "I take it you have a plan," Adam said, "One that is sufficiently cunning and evil that it is going to keep our interest long enough to burn off the rest of this book?"

  "I should think so," Reizvolle nodded, kicking the generically named man’s head across the floor, "Enough to piss off that bastard and make him give us the black fossil."

  "Don’t keep us in suspense," Adam told her, "I want to know…"

  "We take his family," Reizvolle said, "Cliché I know, but it will definitely get under his skin."

  "If he notices," Adam said, remembering Stalin’s romp with her, "He did sleep with you, remember?"

  "This is his family," Reizvolle reminded him, "It doesn’t matter how crappy a father he is, he will still go after them. Especially since it wouldn’t do much for his hero image to let us send his wife and kids back to him in pieces."

  "Right," Adam nodded, "How do we find them?"

  "Easy," Reizvolle said, waving her hand, "That is the easy part. We are driving a better car. We will be able to get there sooner. Then we will drive right into the nearest suburb and magically find the place."

  "What makes you think so?" Adam said, "I mean it has to be a little hard to find a hero’s family."

  "There will be a big sign," Reizvolle said, "Trust me. Drive. Go out to the edge of the cave and turn left. Go thirty miles and go right. Then drive as fast as you can until you hit Stepford. You’ll see the sign."

  Adam followed her instructions precisely and after a while he got to the suburbs where Jim Stalin’s home was located. Reizvolle caught a quick nap while she let Adam do the driving. They made it there in record time, which was not surprising because the lack of measurable distances in this book meant that they drove just long enough to waste a few words but not long enough to bore the audience to sleep.

  "Are we there yet?" Adam asked Reizvolle as she woke up, "I don’t know where the hell we are going."

  "You’ll see the sign," Reizvolle said, "Stop at that mook shack up ahead. We need to restock before we perform a home invasion. You got the last of our last purchase killed with that futile chase back in the mountains."

  "Right," Adam said, "There’s one around the corner. Saw the ad a few blocks back."

  They drove into the International House of Mooks™ and pulled into the drive through window. The clerk’s voice came over the intercom asking for their order. The clerk sounded bored as most clerks of this type did.

  "Hi, my name is Randall," the clerk said, "Would you like a super mook special with a side of rusty nailed clubs?"

  "No thanks," Adam said, "I would like eight of your moderately bright mooks with the optional transportation device. Would like them highly armed with exceedingly illegal armaments."

  "Don’t forget the side of body armor," Reizvolle said, "No use making it easy for Stalin."

  "Oh right," Adam agreed, "Make that two sides of body armor please."

  "Very well," the clerk said, hitting buttons, "That would be one hundred and thirty-three thousand nine hundred and eighty-two dollars and forty-two cents."

  "Bill it to Admiral Sackenbrenner’s account," Reizvolle said, smiling, "He’s good for it."

  "Done and done," Randall said, "Your mooks will meet you out front."

  They drove around the front and waited for the vehicle to get out there. It made it pretty quick and the mooks were as well armed as ever. The International House of Mooks™ was world renowned for their endless supply of mooks for would-be evil geniuses in the Stepford area.

  "Looks good," Adam said, "Are we ready now, Reizvolle?"

  "I think so," she nodded, "They are definitely good. Now let’s hope they help ward off the unwanted federal agents."

  The two extra mooks went into the back seat of Adam and Reizvolle’s car to provide a little protection or at least another target to be shot at. The car with the other group of mooks followed them closely, following the main vehicle through the streets of Stepford.

  "Ok," Adam said, "What am I looking for?"

  "The sign," Reizvolle said, "Wait for it."

  "What sign?" Adam asked, "I don’t get it."

  "Look ahead," Reizvolle told him, pointing ahead, "Now do you see the sign?"

  "Yes," Adam said, finally seeing the sign, "I do think I see it now."

  Just as Reizvolle suspected that since it was important to the nonexistent plot of this story for them to find the family there was a huge neon sign erected on top of Jim Stalin’s house that said ‘Here I am! This is the home of Jim Stalin! Come and get me!’ It was a sign that even someone as dense as Adam Dirtpassion could not ignore by any stretch.

  "Very nice," Adam nodded, "Let’s go get them shall we!"

  "You’re the one driving, my mook covered friend," Reizvolle told him, "You’ve seen the sign, let’s put your little brain to work and capture the women."

  They drove through the mass of idiot one way streets and finally managed to travel the three miles it took to get to the sign that stared out only four hundred feet from their car. But this was beside the point as they managed to get up to the cute house with the white picket fence that was standing there looking like a house out of the 1950’s. It was so cute that it really made Reizvolle want to scream and run away.

  "How can someone like Stalin live here?" Adam wondered, "This place would kill me."

  "I don’t know," Reizvolle admitted, "But maybe that is why he goes on idiot missions like the one he’s on. It doesn’t matter. We’re here to give Mrs. Stalin a bad day. That’s what I intend to do."

  "Very well," Adam said, "Your plan?"

  "Have your mooks go around the house," Reizvolle said, "I’ll play avon bitch. Once we get in we can take them and then take them somewhere else so that Stalin will have to play ball with us if he wants his own family back."

  "Works for me," Adam agreed, "Come on guys, we have some work to do."

  Once Adam and the mooks were all in place Reizvolle hiked up her skirt and her boobs as she walked up to the door. She rang the bell and waited for Stalin’s wife to come out. It was not known exactly who they were about to take, but they figured it could be useful to be prepared.

  "Hello?" A rather pleasant looking young woman said, "May I help you?"

  "Are you Mrs. Stalin?" Reizvolle cooed.

  "Yes," she nodded.

  "Mrs. James Stalin?" Reizvolle asked.

  "That would be me," she agreed, "I don’t deny it."

  "The same James Stalin who works for Admiral Sackenbrenner?" Reizvolle asked her.

  "Yes, Jim works for that old fuddy duddy," she nodded, "May I help you?"

  "I’m here to do the obligatory familiar kidnapping," Reizvolle said, suddenly deciding to take the honest approach, "I do apologize, but I must insist that you come with me."

  "I don’t go anywhere with strangers," Mrs. Stalin said, "I’m afraid I have a soufflé in the oven for when my husband shows up tonight. If he shows up. He spends a lot of late nights at the office lately. Must find out if he’s just overworked or if he’s boffing another secretary."

  "And this doesn’t bother you?" Reizvolle wondered.

  "Of course not, silly," Mrs. Stalin said, smiling, "I’m not in the book long enough to be offended by the fact that he hasn’t touched me in years. Not offended at all."

  "Then you won’t mind coming with me then," Reizvolle said, "Right?"

  "I would mind," Mrs. Stalin told them, "But I don’t see as I have a lot of choice, is that correct?" br />
  "Not much at all," Reizvolle admitted, "I have a dozen mooks and my partner backing me up. You can come quietly or we take you."

  "May I finish pissing in his soufflé first?" Mrs. Stalin asked her, "It is important that I have that ready when he comes home."

  "Sure," Reizvolle nodded, "You may definitely piss in his soufflé."

  Mrs. Stalin did so and then came back out with the kid, who was somewhere between cute and an aging child actor trying to find work in a Michael Jackson special. Neither one looked much like Jim Stalin, but that was OK, they were probably better off for that fact. They relinquished themselves into the villains custody and the chapter was pretty well complete.

  "What now?" Adam asked Reizvolle, "This was too easy."

  "Now we go find a new hiding place and deck it out with traps," Reizvolle said, "We’ll have plenty of time to do that while Jim and Jack talk to Admiral Sackenbrenner and go nuts because we took his family. Then he’ll have to remember that he had a wife and kid to save. Then we trade the black fossil and kill them all."

  "How evil," Adam nodded, "I love it. Let’s go."

  "Yes, go," the author said, "I have some gliders to strangle. We’ll take this up in the next chapter."