Chord

  As a result, I had only kissed two guys in my life, and both were awful. I wished I could wipe the memory of those kisses and fill the spaces with Cordelia. She was my authentic first kiss. Everything else I had done before her had been a lie.

  I thought about that as we walked to dinner. I didn’t hold Cordelia’s hand, but I thought about it.

  The three of us loaded up our trays and sat down, talking about this and that.

  “I can’t believe I haven’t been home in weeks,” Cordelia said. “I haven’t been away from my dad for this long since maybe I was in camp years ago. But I feel okay about it? I’m not really homesick. I guess I’ve been a little distracted.” She looked at me and smiled.

  “Yeah, me too. I’ve missed a few things here and there. Sometimes I wish I could have my dad’s lasagna, but then I remember Kate would fight me for the best piece and she would usually win,” I said with a laugh. Oh, Kate. She was probably reveling in the fact that she got the choice lasagna piece.

  “My parents are all the way in Vermont and I’m okay with having the distance. They’re supportive, but they don’t really understand my life, and they don’t understand Eli. They get misgendered when we visit and I just don’t want to put them through that. So I’m fine being here. There’s not a whole lot to miss back home, except for my grandmother’s empanadas. Those I miss.” That got us talking about what food we missed and we started swapping recipes.

  “I wish we had a kitchen we could cook in. Stella’s hot plate is okay for some things, but others, not so much. I wish I had an oven,” Elise said, and we all agreed.

  At one point I felt a hand on my thigh. Thankfully, it was Cordelia’s. I snuck a hand under the table and put my free hand on hers and squeezed it. I glanced over at her and she gave me a little half smile.

  I couldn’t believe she was with me. That she liked me even a little bit. Things had happened so fast, but it didn’t feel too fast. Yet.

  She squeezed my fingers back and went to take her hand away, but I stopped her. I liked holding her hand under the table. Sure, we were both over eighteen and holding hands wasn’t seen as a big deal by a lot of people, but this was the first time I’d held hands with someone I wanted to, and I was going to enjoy and treasure it. I didn’t care what anyone had to say about that.

  WE ENDED UP DOING HOMEWORK for the rest of the night. I’d gotten behind on my personal schedule, but not actually behind since I had already been ahead. Basically, I was on track, but that wasn’t good enough for me. I didn’t like to even be close to behind.

  “You’re being very distracting over there,” Cordelia said, and I looked up from my notebook.

  “Huh?” I said. I’d been deep in taking notes with the Norton Anthology (which could be used as a serious weapon if needed) next to me.

  “You’re being distracting,” she repeated.

  “Am I?” I raised one eyebrow.

  “Mmmm, very.” She bit her bottom lip and her cheeks were bright with color.

  “Well, I’m so sorry about that,” I said in a way that told her I wasn’t sorry at all. I tucked some of my hair behind my ear.

  She sighed.

  “I might have to just get up and come over there and distract you back.” I narrowed my eyes.

  “Don’t you dare, Cordelia Elizabeth Scott,” I said, pointing my pen at her.

  “Ohhhh, the middle name. I shouldn’t have told you that,” she said, taking her hair down from its messy bun. Her curls exploded everywhere and I wanted to get my fingers all tangled up in them. Get all tangled up in her.

  “That was your mistake and my gain,” I said, setting the pen down. I was ready for a break and I was ready for her.

  She shook her head slowly. Her curls bounced around.

  “Too bad,” I said, getting up and walking slowly over to her. Cordelia’s bed was mere feet away from me at all times. It was so strange to be doing this relationship thing with her so close.

  I put my hands on the edge of her bed and leaned toward her.

  “You distracted me, so now you’re going to pay the consequences,” I said. I had never, ever been like this, but something about being with Cordelia brought out a side of me that I didn’t know I had. She brought out a lot of sides of me that I had never known. I liked myself when I was with her.

  “Oh, no, that sounds terrible,” she said in a monotone voice.

  “You are in so much trouble,” I said, pushing her books aside. She was smiling at me.

  “Am I?”

  “Mmmm, yes,” I said, crawling onto the bed. This was the first time we’d done anything like this and I was freaking out a little, but also so turned on that I could barely think.

  “What are you going to do about it?” she said, and her cheeks got redder and her breathing was labored.

  “What do you want me to do?” I asked. Our mouths were inches from each other.

  “I want you to kiss me,” she said in a low voice.

  “Then I guess that’s what I’m going to have to do,” I said, pressing forward just a little bit so our mouths could meet. Kissing Cordelia was my favorite way to spend time. Even better than reading, and that was something I never thought I would say.

  Cordelia made a little whimpering sound and I pushed a little harder, running my tongue along her lips. Her mouth opened and I dove in. She worked her tongue against mine, surging forward and pulling back, giving and taking. We worked perfectly together. I didn’t have to fumble or wonder what I was supposed to be doing. It was easy with her.

  I used my teeth to nip just a little at her bottom lip and that always made her gasp a little. She pulled back and caught her breath.

  “I don’t know where you learned to kiss, but holy shit, Chase,” she said, her voice trembling. I was shaking a little. Who knew a kiss could be like that? I had always thought people were making it into something way more than it was. Now I knew that they hadn’t gone far enough, but those people hadn’t gotten to kiss Cordelia.

  “I guess you just bring it out of me,” I said, brushing her cheek with my fingers.

  “Sometimes it scares me when we kiss,” she said in a whisper.

  “Why?” I asked, sitting back.

  “Oh, not like that. Just ... how good it feels and how much I want you. That’s what scares me.” This was new.

  “How much do you want me?” I asked. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know the answer. I knew I wanted her. The want seemed to grow each and every day and I was probably going to combust any moment now. Somehow I was going to have to find an outlet, because it was downright ridiculous.

  “More than I know what to do with,” she said. “It keeps me up at night. It wakes me up in the morning.” Oh. I didn’t know she was going to really tell me. We hadn’t talked about that kind of thing yet. We hadn’t done anything other than kissing. I think both of us were reluctant to do anything more than that. Not because we didn’t want to though.

  “I know how you feel,” I said. “Sometimes I’m doing something and right in the middle of it, I think of you and then I have all these ideas.” I looked up to see her reaction.

  “What kind of ideas?”

  “Naked ones.” I hoped that didn’t shock her too much.

  Her eyebrows shot up.

  “Are we having that conversation now?” I wasn’t sure what she meant.

  “I mean, I feel like we should sit down and figure out what we’re both ready for. Since this is new for both of us.” I didn’t want her to do anything she wasn’t ready for and I didn’t want to let myself get carried away either and have regrets. As much as I wanted to keep kissing her and see where it went, I knew that would be a mistake.

  “Yeah, we should,” she said with a sigh. I burst out laughing when she pouted.

  “I wanted to keep making out.”

  “I mean, we can make out and talk later. I’m not opposed to that plan.” Her eyes lit up.

  “Good. Making out now, talking later.” She shoved the rest of her books
off her bed and nearly tackled me to the floor.

  CORDELIA

  We’d been dancing around that conversation for long enough, and I knew kissing was only going to put it off for a little while, but kissing helped my brain shut the fuck up and it was awesome. I was going to require a certain amount of kissing to get through every day. It was just essential.

  We kissed so long that we ended up horizontal on my bed, my hair ended up completely knotted and tangled, and somehow my hands started to make their way under Chase’s shirt.

  I wasn’t sure which one of us put that brakes on, but somehow we sat up and got our shit together.

  “Okay, we need to talk,” Chase said. “I’m going to go sit on my bed so we’re not tempted.” Her lips were a little red and her normally straight hair was all over the place. Her shirt was wrinkled and messy and I honestly just wanted to throw her on the floor and do some more kissing and other stuff.

  Alas, she was right, and we needed to talk. Without kissing. Probably without touching because that would also be distracting.

  “Talking,” I said as soon as we’d calmed down a little.

  “Yes,” she said, and then shook her head as if she was trying to clear it.

  “So, we’re dating. You’re my girlfriend and I’m your girlfriend,” she said.

  “Yes, we’ve established that.”

  “Okay. Good. So do you want to tell people that we’re together? Do you want to tell your dad?” she asked.

  “I mean, I do. Mostly because if I try to hide it from him, he’s going to get it out of me anyway, and also because I want to tell him. I’m so happy with you, Chase. I want to share that with him so he can be happy for me.”

  She beamed and I almost fell over.

  “Good. I feel the same way. The only issue is what are we going to tell them about how this happened? I mean, I’m not ready to really commit to any kind of label until I’ve figured myself out.” I agreed.

  “Cool, me neither. I’m thinking about going to Kyle and Stella’s club, at least to talk to some other people and maybe that will help me figure things out? Or maybe there are books or something that can help.” She nodded.

  “I want to go too, if that’s okay with you.” Of course it was.

  “So, with that said, um, what else?” she asked, and I could feel my face getting red.

  “You mean sex?” She groaned and hid her face with a pillow.

  “You didn’t have to be so blunt with it,” she said, her voice muffled.

  “I mean, that’s what we’ve been beating around the bush about for a few days so I figured I’d just come out and say it. Lay it all out there. I mean, not literally.” She groaned into the pillow.

  “Why are you like this?” she said, and then put the pillow down.

  I shrugged.

  “You’re the one dating me.”

  “Oh, right, that,” she said. We both laughed.

  “How do two girls even have sex?” she asked. “I mean, I’ve seen porn before. I’ve heard jokes, but I honestly don’t even know.” That was more blunt than I was expecting her to be.

  “I mean ... I’ve never ...” she trailed off and looked at me desperately.

  “You’ve never had sex with anyone,” I said for her.

  “Yeah. I didn’t really want to tell you that, but I can’t keep going without you knowing that. I just ... I never even got close. Like, one or two guys tried to cop a feel, but I flipped out and bailed as soon as I could. The idea of having sex with a guy made me want to throw up. At the time, I figured I just wasn’t ready, or it wasn’t the right guy. Now, of course, I’m thinking that it was something more. So there you go. My entire history.”

  She held her hands out and then dropped them.

  “Guess that means it’s my turn? Okay, I’ve had like, full sex, whatever that is, with a guy once. And oral a few times. Does oral count as sex?” She nodded.

  “Okay, then I guess I’ve had sex about five times? It was never really great. I just assumed all sex sucked and people were liars. I was never into it, but I tried to be. It was never, like, bad. I was never into it. But I’m into you.” I couldn’t tell what her reaction was. She seemed to be thinking.

  “I’m sorry you felt like you had to do that.” I shrugged one shoulder.

  “It’s fine. Who knows if I hadn’t met you if I would have gone out and done it again? Honestly, the idea that I don’t have to have sex with a guy is such a fucking relief.” That made her smile.

  “Oh my god, I know, right?” Huh, I hadn’t been able to quantify that feeling yet, but hearing Chase say it made complete sense.

  We laughed and the tension was broken.

  “I guess we can figure it out as we go along?” I said.

  “I’m not sure how ready I am for ... stuff,” she said, and I could tell she was reluctant to tell me that.

  “It’s okay, Chase. I don’t want either of us to do anything we’re not ready for. And there’s no rush. We literally live together. We have all kinds of time.” I got up and went to sit next to her. I kissed the side of her head.

  “Okay?”

  She nodded.

  “I really like you, Cordelia,” she said. That made my heart feel like it had grown several sizes.

  “I really like you, Chase.”

  She kissed my cheek and then rested her head on my shoulder.

  “I’m glad we had this conversation,” she said.

  “I know. I knew we needed to, but it’s hard to talk about this stuff sometimes.” She nodded against my shoulder.

  OUR TALK DIDN’T LEAD me to have less sex dreams, but at least I knew that Chase and I were on the same page. Or, at least, we were open to talking about what pages we were on.

  When it came to sex, I had always been sort of meh on the whole thing, but that had been when I was going to be having sex with guys. Now, when I thought about sex with Chase? Phew. It made sweat trickle down my back and my skin buzz and my body ache. Was that what sexual attraction was supposed to feel like?

  I had tried masturbating before and never really liked it, but now that I knew Chase pushed my buttons, I figured I could maybe try it again. When she wasn’t in the room, of course. I didn’t have a vibrator or anything. I had always been too scared to buy one, in case my dad was doing laundry and found it and then we’d have to have an awkward as hell conversation. Having him give me a talk before I’d gotten my period had been bad enough. We were so close, but there were just some things I didn’t want to discuss with him.

  Plus, it wasn’t like I had anyone else I could really talk to about it. I’d had friends in high school, and we’d talked about this and that, but you could never say “hey, how do you all masturbate?” There was the internet, but I’d gotten overwhelmed with all that and had shut down.

  I guess I could just try it.

  On Monday afternoon, I had a short window when Chase was at class and I was in the room by myself. The fact that she was so predictable and wouldn’t skip class unless she was at death’s door was in my favor.

  I set my bag down, turned my phone off and pulled the blinds. I also turned off all the lights. Honestly, I didn’t know what I was doing, but I might as well figure out now. Should I be naked for this? I figured I probably should, so I took all my clothes off and got under the covers. Then I decided that I couldn’t see what I was doing if I did that, so I lay on top. Totally naked.

  Okay, I could do this. I wasn’t afraid of my own body. I guess I was just worried that it wasn’t going to work and I was going to be frustrated again. Still, I wanted to try.

  I closed my eyes, since that seemed to be the natural thing to do. I figured the best way to do this was to go slow, so I started with my fingers touching my chest. Caressing carefully along my collarbones and shoulders and arms. Goosebumps popped up on my skin. So far so good.

  From there, I moved to my breasts. I cupped and stroked them, and then worked on my nipples. They went from flat to standing straight up and hard. My
breathing changed and I could feel myself getting hot. Okay, I was doing it. This was nice. It felt good, so I kept going. Moving down to my belly, touching it all, and then I moved my legs apart to start with my inner thighs. Part of me was impatient to get going, while another part told me to slow down and not rush. I had time. I had time to get to the other parts. The tension and the ache were building, and I knew I was coming up to something. Something good.

  Tentatively, I touched where my thighs joined. Not on my clit, I wasn’t ready for that yet, but above it. I pressed a little with my fingers, trying to learn what kind of pressure felt the best. I moved my hand in a circular motion like I’d seen some girls do in porn, but way slower than they did. I cringed when I remembered seeing videos of girls slapping their clits and moaning in pleasure. No, thank you.

  My breathing got faster, almost desperate. I continued circling my hand and moved it lower. I flinched when I hit my clit. It was a good flinch. I touched it again and it made the ache worse. My hand went lower, fingering my opening. I started with a pinky, and pushed it in slowly, trying to relax. Putting in a tampon was one thing, a finger was something else. Sure, I’d had a penis in there before, but this was different. I moved my finger in and out, and then replaced it with my middle finger, adding my ring finger when I felt comfortable with the other one.

  A moan escaped my mouth as I thrust my fingers in and out. Was this what I’d been missing? Shifting my hand a little, I moved it upward so when I pulled my fingers out, the heel of my hand hit my clit.