Chord

  Cordelia took her time. She tormented me until I was actually pissed.

  “I swear, Cordelia if you don’t—” and that was when she flicked my clit with her tongue and I lost the ability to make words. I lost the ability to do anything but feel and exist in a body that was made solely of nerve endings. With only her tongue, she fucked me. She circled my clit and pressed at my entrance and then used it to plunge inside me.

  I was completely lost, and she hadn’t even used her hands.

  CORDELIA

  Okay, so I didn’t exactly know what I was doing. I’d only ever given blowjobs before. But I’d had her go down on me so I knew the basics. Probably more so than someone who wasn’t working with the same equipment, so at least I had that.

  I was nervous, but I didn’t want her to know, since this was the first time she was trusting me like this. I could not fuck this up. I wouldn’t let that happen.

  I decided to take my time, to give her space to back out if she decided it was too much. I’d wanted to taste her for ages, so I started with my tongue and that drove her so wild that I wasn’t even sure if I needed to do anything else. Besides, I was having a great time. She tasted amazing and I loved the feel of her against my tongue. She was so soft here, and I was getting off on the sounds she was making. This was one of the best moments of my entire life.

  She trembled and quaked around me and gasped out “I’m close.” I wanted to pump my fists in victory. Hell yeah. I sucked harder and licked faster and fucked her deeper with my tongue and then her fingers dug into my scalp and her legs bucked and she was making a lot of noise. It seemed to go on forever and I could barely breathe, but what did that matter? I was getting my girl off.

  When her body stilled at last, I risked a look up at her. My hair was all over my face, my mouth was full of the taste of her, and my tongue had had a good workout.

  “Well, fuck,” she said, and then started laughing a little. “You are very good with your mouth.” I snorted and grinned up at her.

  “I’m glad my efforts met with your satisfaction.” I needed to wipe my face and wash my hair, but that didn’t matter right now. I slid upward so I was tucked into her chest.

  “Thank you for being so patient with me,” she said, kissing my forehead.

  “Of course. You were worth the wait.” We lay together in silence for a while, the candles flickering artificially.

  “This really has been the best day ever. I don’t know how I’m going to go back to class and regular life on Monday,” I said.

  “We don’t have to go back to completely regular life. We can go on more dates. Maybe not all-day ones, especially not around finals time, but we can still do dates. And I’ll plan them, if you want.”

  I looked up at her.

  “You would really love that, wouldn’t you? Planning all our dates?”

  “I mean, do you want me to lie and say no?” I burst out laughing. Fuck, I loved her so much. Today had just cemented it. She stared down at me and the words were dancing around on the back of my tongue, begging to come out.

  “No, you can plan most of our dates. I want to plan some things.”

  She sighed as if it was a huge imposition.

  “I guess.” I poked her in the stomach in her ticklish spot.

  “No fair, no fair!” She wiggled and tried to get away, but I wouldn’t let her.

  “Hey,” I said after she calmed down.

  “What?”

  “Hey, this has been the best date ever, do you want to take a shower with me?” I figured post-coital showering would be a cute and sexy end of the night. Then we could cuddle up together and fall asleep. Perfection.

  “Only if we can come back and have tea in our towels while I brush your hair.” Oh, yeah. Perfect.

  I SOMEHOW WAS ABLE to keep the biggest secret of my life, that I was in love with my roommate, from said roommate. But somehow, I did. I kept the secret when we cuddled and watched Steven Universe. I kept it when we woke up in the morning on top of each other. I kept it when she made me come harder than I knew was possible. I kept it when we held hands as we walked to dinner. I kept inside even as it beat with my heart. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to talk to someone, but I didn’t know who. Everyone at school was out because I didn’t think they’d be able to keep that secret from Chase. I really wanted to talk to my dad, but that would mean explaining about Chase. And I couldn’t do that yet.

  Almost an entire week went by and October break was coming up. Both of us were going home and I knew that if I was going to tell my dad anything, I was going to do it in person, and that seemed as good a time as any. So I just had to hold out until then and after I’d talk to Chase. Simple enough.

  Except for the fact that I was horrible at keeping secrets and it was damn hard to lie to someone when you lived with them. Sometimes I would just hum with the need to tell her and sometimes I would almost say it without even thinking and then I had to stumble and reel the words back in, like a thrashing fish on the end of a line.

  Chase asked me multiple times if I was okay, if there was something that was bothering me, but I just told her it was nothing and I was just thinking about going home and talking to my dad about everything.

  “I don’t know if I’m going to tell my parents yet. I can’t decide. I feel completely out of my depth for this.” We both did, so at last we decided to attend a meeting of the group that Stella, Kyle, Elise, and Eli belonged to. They were having a pizza party in their office at the Student Union, so it seemed like a less-intense environment.

  “You’ll be fine,” Stella and the rest assured us. “If anyone says anything, just grab us and we’ll handle it.” I had a death-grip on Chase’s hand and her skin was pale and white. I was just hoping I could get through this without a panic attack.

  Chase and I had also made an exit strategy, just in case we needed to bail and not tell anyone we were bailing if it turned out to be not for us.

  I stopped Chase just outside the door. The temperature had dropped, and our breath looked like smoke in the air.

  “We’ve got this,” I said, kissing her briefly.

  “We’ve got this,” she repeated, pressing her forehead briefly against mine.

  I took a shaky breath and we walked into the lobby area where everyone else was waiting for us.

  “They won’t bite, I promise,” Stella said.

  “I mean, unless you want anyone to,” Kyle added and that broke the ice a little.

  The room was in a row of offices in the basement of the Union, and all of them were dark and quiet, except for a room at the end of the hall, where music was blaring. I resisted the urge to turn and run in the opposite direction. Instead, I squeezed Chase’s hand harder and we approached the door.

  Everyone else went in first and then we came behind them.

  “Hi everyone, I just wanted to introduce Chase and Cordelia. They’re new and if anyone is mean to them, you’ll have me to deal with, okay? Okay,” Stella said, giving a death glare to everyone.

  Kyle let out a dreamy sigh.

  “She’s so hot when she’s protective,” she said, smiling at Stella. “Did you know that she was called the Ice Queen in high school?” I shook my head. I hadn’t known anything about that.

  “Yeah, it was hard to break through that to really get to know her, but she thawed. Every now and then she puts on that armor again and I remember what I used to think about her before I really knew her.”

  I looked up at Chase. I knew exactly what I thought when I first met her. That she was cute as hell and painfully shy and I was afraid to scare her.

  “You okay?” I asked her. She was busy looking around the room. There were probably about twenty-five people total, and a few tables set up with boxes of pizza, sodas, some veggie trays, and a few containers of cookies. There was also a stack of blank nametags and pens and pronoun pins.

  “Yeah,” she said in a low voice. I was about to tell her that we could leave when she smiled down at me.

/>   “I’m okay. Promise.”

  At first, no one really approached us, so we inched closer to the pizza and each got a slice. There was a small area set aside where a few mismatched couches and tables and chairs were set up, so we sat down with Elise, Eli, and Kyle. Stella was flitting around the room, saying hello and talking with everyone.

  “She’s like the cruise director. Or the dictator. It varies,” Kyle said, grinning at Stella.

  “I heard that,” Stella said, walking by, with a few people trailing behind her.

  “Hey, Chase, Cordelia, this is Andrea, Noah, and Alyx.” The three people waved in turn. They already had their nametags with their pronouns under them.

  “Hi,” I said. Chase just nodded. I figured I was going to have to carry all the conversational weight. Chase shoved her piece of pizza in her mouth.

  “Nice to meet you,” I said, and then there was a brief but painfully awkward pause.

  Andrea sat down next to me on the couch with a plate full of veggies. She had gorgeous dark skin and long dreads pulled into a bun, and gave me a warm smile. Her nametag said her pronouns were she/her.

  “Stella is always bringing in new people, she’s a great recruiter,” she said, and snapped a carrot in half with her teeth.

  “Yeah, we’re not really sure what we’re doing yet. Um, we’re together, but we both thought we were completely heterosexual up until now. So I guess we’re ...” I trailed off and shrugged.

  “Questioning. Totally valid! I was there last year, believe me. I’m still working on my labels, but lesbian feels good for me right now. You don’t even need to figure out a label ever.” I started to relax and talk to her. Noah came down and sat next to Chase and Alyx sat next to Noah. Alyx’s pronouns were xie/xer, which I had never seen before. There was a whole lot more to this than I guess I ever thought. It was a lot of information to take in at once.

  Chase started talking quietly with Noah and I was relieved she was talking with someone. I finished my pizza and told Andrea the story of how Chase and I had gotten together. She declared it painfully romantic.

  “I’m going to tell my dad when I get home, but I really don’t know how he’s going to take it,” I said. “I know he loves me, but he keeps asking me about a potential boyfriend and I can’t get the words out.” Andrea nodded.

  “Yeah, I know how you feel. I thought my parents were going to lose their shit when I told them I thought I liked girls, but they were completely supportive. My sister has been on a crusade to find me ‘a nice girl.’” She put air quotes around “a nice girl” and rolled her eyes.

  “Wow, I hope my dad doesn’t do that, especially since I already found a nice girl.” The best girl.

  “Yeah, you did.” I finally felt comfortable enough to leave Chase on her own and did a circuit around the room. I met a trans woman with pink hair named Jac, a few other couples of various genders, and the president of the group, who was a senior named Chris who had two boyfriends. Everyone was incredibly warm and welcoming and didn’t pester me to know what my deal was. I got another slice of pizza and went back to Chase.

  “Hey,” I said, bumping her shoulder.

  “Hey, Carrots,” she said with a grin that lit up her whole face. I almost tripped over the couch. Her smile destroyed me.

  “Carrots?” Noah said, lifting an eyebrow.

  “Nickname,” Chase said before turning back to me. “You doing okay?” I was going to ask her the same thing.

  “Yeah, I met a lot of great people. Everyone here is so nice.”

  “This the place that I feel the safest,” Noah said. “I know I pass pretty well, but you still never know.” I didn’t know what he meant about passing. I didn’t know if it would be rude to ask. He must have seen my confused look.

  “I’m trans. I’ve been on T for a year and a half, but I haven’t had top surgery yet.” That was a lot of words that I didn’t know. I was going to have to do some research before I came here again, if Chase and I decided. I think even if she didn’t want to, I would. I liked it here. I felt like I could breathe. And it was easy to talk to everyone. Like we had met before, or known each other for years. I’d only really felt that way with a few people, including Chase.

  “Uh, yeah, if you want to know anything about it, I’m fine with questions. I know some people aren’t, but it doesn’t bother me,” Noah said. I had questions, but I wasn’t comfortable asking him. I figured I should probably do the basics on my own and then maybe ask him after.

  “I’m not really sure what letter I am,” I said, looking up at a huge rainbow poster with all the letters of the queer acronym. There were more than I knew about. Not just L, G, B, and T.

  “That’s fine. You can just hop under the Questioning Umbrella and live there forever.” That was what everyone had said, but I still didn’t really believe it.

  “I want to find my label,” Chase said. “I don’t like it when things don’t fit into lists and boxes and definitions.” Typical Chase.

  “We have some books, if you’d like to borrow them. Or there’s a few pamphlets and lists of web sites. The information is there, if you want it.” Noah was being super helpful too. I didn’t know why everyone was being so kind to us, but it was unexpected and almost embarrassing.

  “Thanks, I might look some stuff up,” Chase said.

  “Get the books. You know you want the books,” I said, nudging her shoulder. She blushed a little.

  “Chase is going work in publishing,” I said to Noah. I knew I was bragging, but I didn’t even care.

  “Cool. Maybe you can help some queer authors get their work out there. Or you can write your own. We need more of it in the world. And not just the stories where we all die.”

  “Who’s dying?” Stella said, coming over. Kyle had been chatting with Andrea and a few other people about a new movie they were really excited about.

  “No one,” Noah said, grinning. “Chase is going into publishing and I was saying that she can help get good queer stories out in the world. No more of this Bury Your Gays bullshit.”

  “Hell yeah,” Stella said.

  I added “Bury Your Gays” to the list of things I needed to look up. I should have written all of this down. Maybe Chase would help me remember later.

  My brain was starting to fire in too many different directions and I was getting overwhelmed with too many new people and too much new information. I nudged Chase and tried to convey to her that I wanted to leave soon.

  She gave me a soft smile.

  “We should get going. I have an early class tomorrow and I still have a paper to work on.” I knew she didn’t have a paper and it made me feel warm and sloshy inside that she lied for me.

  “Seriously, it was so nice to meet you,” I said to Noah.

  “Sure, and if you see me around campus, say hello. I also work in the library if you need anything there. Take a look at the books here before you go.” I said that I would, and we said goodbye to everyone else. We were leaving early, but it was okay. I had reached my limit.

  Just before heading out, we checked out the bookshelf. Chase pulled a few titles off the shelves and signed them out. I wanted to look online first.

  We slipped out as Chris was telling a story about being at Pride with his two boyfriends that had everyone roaring with laughter.

  “Wow,” Chase said, taking my hand. I let go of it and instead tucked myself under her arm. I needed some support. “That was way different than I thought it would be.”

  “How so?” I asked as she pushed the door of the Union open.

  “I don’t know. I didn’t really know what to expect, but that was so nice. Welcoming. I didn’t feel like we were outsiders, or that they didn’t know why we were there. I didn’t have to make excuses, or feel like anyone was judging me. I guess I just never thought it would be like that.” She kissed the side of my head.

  “I’m glad you got some books.” She had them under her other arm.

  “Yeah, I think starting is the b
iggest part. Just starting to think about what I want my life to look like. It seems so easy, but it’s not. I had this path all set out in my mind. I have one year plans and five year plans and ten year plans. All of those plans included finding a boyfriend. I’d never even considered any other possibility.” She stopped walking and pulled me into an alcove between two buildings.

  “And then there was you. You, Cordelia Scott, who burst into my life like a fireball and turned all those plans to smoke.” I was freezing, but it didn’t matter. The girl I loved was saying amazing things about me and if I turned into a human popsicle, I was going to stand here and listen to her talk.

  “And do you have new plans?” I asked. She smiled slowly.

  “The thing is, when I’m with you, the plans don’t matter so much.” Well, if that wasn’t the nicest fucking thing anyone had ever said to me.

  “I didn’t mean to fuck up your plans, Chase. You fucked up mine, too, such as they were. I guess we’re not competing to find boyfriends now.” She laughed and pressed a warm kiss to my mouth.

  “No boyfriends for me. Just you. Only you. Always you.” Holy shit, was she ...

  I pulled back from the kiss and gave her a look.

  “What is it?” she said.

  Fuck. I must have misread the situation.

  “Nothing, I just ... nothing.” I shook my head.

  “No, what is it?” How the fuck was I going to get myself out of this situation?

  “I guess I just thought ... I thought you were going to say that you loved me. But I was wrong. So, um, yeah.” I finished and clamped my mouth shut so I didn’t ramble on. Chase didn’t need to know that I loved her yet. It was still too much too soon.

  “Oh,” she said, and then she inhaled deeply. “You weren’t wrong.”

  “What?” I blinked at her.

  “You weren’t wrong. I do. Love you, I mean. I just ... I thought it was too early to tell you. I thought it was too early to feel this way.” I would have laughed if I wasn’t so knocked off my feet by what she was saying.

  “You love me?” My voice squeaked and she beamed at me.