Captain Desmond, V.C.

  CHAPTER XIII.

  IT ISN'T FAIR.

  "Though thou repent, yet have I still the loss; The offender's sorrow yields but weak relief To him who bears the strong offence's cross." --SHAKESPEARE.

  The measure of a man's worth is not to be found in a heroic impulse ora fine idea, but in the steadfast working out of either through weeksand months--when the glow has faded from the heights, when theinspiration of an illumined moment has passed into the unrecognisedchivalry of daily life; and the three months following upon thatcrucial August evening put no light tax upon Desmond's stayingpower,--the power that is the corner-stone of all achievement.

  Border life is, in every respect, more costly than life in "downcountry" cantonments. To keep within the narrow bounds of his pay wasalready a difficult matter; and such minor retrenchments as could beachieved were inadequate to meet his present need. He saw that hewould be called upon to part with one or two cherished possessions,acquired in days of young extravagance; and possibly to break into thefew hundred rupees laid aside for emergencies shortly after hismarriage.

  Wine, cigars, and cigarettes must be banished outright; and he limitedhimself to one pipe and one "peg" a-day. Stores of all kinds wereruthlessly cut down; and only the Anglo-Indian housewife knows what itmeans to be flung almost entirely upon the tender mercies of theBazaar. Informal dinner-parties, for which the Desmonds were famous,became rare events; and nights at Mess--a favourite and justifiableluxury--were reduced in number as far as might be without elicitingremonstrance from his brother officers. For in India, and moreespecially in the Army of India, it is profoundly true that "no manliveth unto himself." In the Land of the Open Door the second of thetwo great commandments is apt to be set before the first; and nowhere,perhaps, is the bond of union stronger, more compelling, than in theisolated regiments of the Frontier Force. But, with due regard forthis unwritten law, Desmond accomplished much in those few months ofunremitting self-denial; and if his friends noted certain changes inhis way of life, they accepted these in the true spirit ofcomradeship, without question or comment.

  Even Wyndham kept silence, though he had fuller knowledge of hisfriend's abstemiousness, and was disturbed by a great longing toremove the hidden cause. But intimate speech played a minor part inthe friendship of these two men. The very depth and strength of theirfeeling for each other constrained them to a particular reticence inthe matter of self-expression.

  On the first occasion of Paul's dining at the blue bungalow, after hisreturn from Murree, Desmond spoke a few words of apology for theabsence of wine and cigars.

  "Sorry to treat you shabbily, old man," he said, when they were alone."Just a little necessary economy. It won't last long."

  Paul nodded, smiling, and quietly proffered his own cigar-case.

  "At least you'll not refuse one of mine, Theo," he said; and theirtalk drifted into the fertile channel of "shop," and the prospect ofserious collision with Russia, which at that time loomed on thepolitical horizon.

  Paul was thus left to draw his own conclusions, which were notcomplimentary to his friend's wife. For reserve has its drawbacks,like every other virtue; and those who practise it often, forget thatif there is a time for silence, there is also a time for speech.

  Evelyn clung tenaciously to her disapproval of the whole proceeding.The scarcity of stores, and of pleasant little dinners, were the onlyretrenchments that directly disturbed her comfort, and she made themost of them, though the problems of housekeeping fell mainly uponHonor's shoulders. The girl's readiness to accept Evelyn's burden, asa matter of course, could not fail to rouse Desmond's admiration: andthese three months of friction and stress, of working bravely togetherfor one end, went far to strengthen the bond of their friendship.

  Evelyn contented herself with a thinly veiled air of martyrdom, andwith raising objections whenever opportunity offered. Only afterDenvil's first dinner did she venture a direct attack. For on thisoccasion economy was not. Wine and cigars appeared with the dessert;and the two men sat an inordinately long while over both. But theinner significance of her husband's acts being a sealed book to EvelynDesmond, she spent the evening in a state of suppressed irritation,which, on the Boy's departure, overflowed in petulant reproof.

  "Why did you have everything different to-night just because of MrDenvil?" she demanded in a note of challenge.

  "Because I preferred it so."

  Desmond's tone was polite, but final. He sat down and opened a book inself-defence. But Evelyn was not to be baulked by a policy of masterlyinactivity. She remained standing before him.

  "Is it going to be like that every time he comes?"

  "Yes."

  "Theo--it's perfectly ridiculous the way you put yourself out for thatboy!" she protested with unusual heat, kindled by a hidden spark ofjealousy. "It's bad enough to have you giving up everything, andmaking Honor and me thoroughly uncomfortable, without this sort ofnonsense on the top of it all."

  Honor glanced up in quick remonstrance; but Desmond caught the look inher eyes, and it was enough. "Haven't you the sense to see that justbecause he is so fond of you he _ought_ to be allowed to know how muchtrouble he has given you. It's the only way to make him more careful,now he's back again; and if you _will_ go on in this way, I shall endin speaking to him myself."

  She had overshot the mark.

  Desmond shut the book with a snap; flung it on the table, and sprangup with such anger in his eyes that his wife shrank backinstinctively. Her movement, slight as it was, checked the impetuousspeech upon his lips.

  "You will do nothing of the sort," he said in a restrained voice. "Itis a matter entirely between him and me; and that's an end of thesubject, once for all."

  Evelyn, startled into silence, stood motionless till the study doorclosed behind her husband; then, with a sigh of exasperation, hurriedout of the room, leaving Honor to her own disturbing thoughts.

  * * * * *

  Each month was forcing upon the girl a clearer revelation of the clashof temperament, which threatened to bring about serious disunionbetween these two, whose happiness had become a vital part of herlife; and her spirit was troubled beyond measure. The strongestpassion of Honor Meredith's heart was the true woman's passion--toprotect and help. But worldly wisdom warned her that her hands weretied; that man and wife must work out their own salvation, or thereverse, without help or hindrance from her.

  Since their return from Murree such flashes of dissension had becomeincreasingly frequent between them. It is astonishing how quickly twopeople can fall into a habit of discord. Abstinence from tobacco wasnot without its effect upon Desmond's nerves and temper, tried as theywere by Evelyn's pin-prick methods of warfare; while she herself wasoften strung into irritability by her own unacknowledged troubles.

  The passing relief wrought by Miss Kresney's loan had evaporated withthe realisation that she had only contracted a debt in anotherdirection--a debt more embarrassing than all the rest put together;for she knew that she would never have the courage to speak of it toher husband. Miss Kresney had told her to take her time in the matterof repayment, and she had taken it in generous measure. Not a fractionof the three hundred rupees had been repaid as yet; and, by way ofatonement, Evelyn felt constrained to a more decisive friendlinesswith both brother and sister--a fact which Owen Kresney noted withsatisfaction; and which did not improve matters between herself andTheo.

  As the weeks wore on he devoted his spare time more exclusively topolo and Persian; continuing his lessons to Honor; and rarely spendinghis evenings in the drawing-room, unless the girl's music held himspellbound, and ensured the avoidance of dangerous topics. Evelynretorted by a renewed zest for tennis and tea-parties; an increasingtendency to follow the line of least resistance, regardless ofresults. Thus Honor found herself thrown more and more upon thecompanionship of Mrs Olliver, Mrs Conolly, and Paul Wyndham, whoseanxiety for Theo she guessed at, even as they guessed her own, thoughnever
a word on the subject passed between them.

  Evelyn's anxiety was reserved exclusively for herself. She had senseenough to perceive that nothing could defer the day of reckoning muchlonger; and on a certain afternoon in early December she exhumed herdetested sheaf of bills and sat down at her bureau to areconsideration of the hopelessness of things in general.

  A panel of winter sunshine, flung across the room from the verandahdoor, enveloped her in a glow of light and warmth. The drowsiness ofan Indian noon brooded over the compound. Honor was out riding withPaul Wyndham; Theo busy in the next room, and very unlikely tointerrupt her, she reflected with a pang of regret. In an hour's timeshe was going over to tea and tennis with the Kresneys; and haddecided that, after six months of silence, some mention must be madeof a fixed scale of repayment, to begin with the New Year. But in thatevent, what hope of meeting any of those other demands, that wereagain being urgently brought to her notice? What possibility ofordering the two new gowns--bare necessities, in her esteem--to gracethe coming Christmas week at Lahore?

  This same "week" is the central social event of the Punjab coldweather, when most officers on the Border are certain of their fifteendays' leave; when from all corners of the Province men and womengravitate towards its dusty capital--women with dress baskets offormidable size; men armed with polo-sticks, and with ponies, belovedcricket-bats and saddles!

  Through all the dismal coil of things, this one hour of festivitygleamed on Evelyn Desmond's horizon like a light in a dark room. Forone brief blessed week she would be in her element, would escape fromthe galling restraint of economy; and, more than all, in thebackground of her mind there lurked a hope that by some means shemight recapture that vigorous, self-poised husband of hers, whose lovewas, after all, the one real necessity of her life; and whom she nowsaw slipping slowly, surely out of reach. But to recapture she mustrecaptivate; and to that end faultless frocks were indispensable.

  She leaned her head upon her hands, and fell to building extravagantair-castles that eclipsed all practical considerations whatsoever.

  So complete was her abstraction, that she failed to hear the studydoor open, and was rudely startled back to reality by her husband'svoice at her elbow, sharp and stern, as she had never heard it tillnow.

  "What _is_ the meaning of this, Evelyn?" he demanded, bringing hishand down on the desk beside her; and one glance at the half sheetlying beneath it was enough. That particular bill had grown painfullyfamiliar during the last few months. It was from Lahore, and its totalwas no less than three hundred rupees. Her husband's waiting silencewas more disconcerting than speech.

  "It's mine," she murmured breathlessly; and snatched at the offendingscrap of paper, tearing it in two.

  "The bill is mine now," Desmond rebuked her with studied equanimity."You can't cancel it by destroying it. No doubt you've got anothercopy. Will you let me have it and any others you happen to have byyou?"

  "Where's the use of that?... You can't pay off anything now."

  "I can and will pay off every penny. But I must know exactly how youstand."

  For all his coldness, the assurance fell on her heart like rain onthirsty soil. Where the money was to come from she could not guess.But she knew enough of the man to feel sure that his words would befulfilled to the letter.

  One consideration only withheld her from reply. How much did she dareconfess to him even now? Not Miss Kresney's transaction; nor the needof new dresses for Lahore. But the rest!... What an unspeakablecomfort it would be to fling all the rest on to his shoulders, thatseemed broad and strong enough to carry her burdens and his own.

  Her hesitancy pricked him to impatience.

  "Well, Evelyn, I am waiting for your answer. Are there other billsbesides that one?--Yes or No. I want the truth. Don't stop toembroider it."

  At that the blood flew to her cheeks. She sprang up and faced him,tremulous, but defiant.

  "If you say things like _that_ to me, I won't tell you anything at all... ever." And turning sharply away, to hide her tears, she went overto the mantelpiece and leaned upon it, keeping her back towards him.

  Desmond followed her.

  "I am sorry if I hurt you," he said, a touch of bitterness in histone. "But the fact that I can speak so without doing you a grossinjustice hurts me more than you are ever likely to understand."

  "You make it all seem much worse--than it really is," she answeredwithout looking round. "I haven't done anything dreadful, after all.Heaps of people get into debt. You weren't so angry with Mr Denvil;and--and--if you hadn't been in such a hurry to help him, you'd havefound it easier to help me now."

  "No need to fling that in my teeth, or drag the Boy into thediscussion. The cases are not parallel, and you have only yourself tothank that my money went to him instead of you. In my anxiety to avoidanything of this sort, I have questioned you several times, and eachtime you have told me a lie. The whole pile of bills are nothing to mein comparison with that. I suppose I ought to have known that youcould hardly dress as you do on the little I can spare. But I was foolenough to trust you implicitly." He paused, and added with greatergentleness: "What's more, I shall trust you again, unless you makethat quite impossible. But I warn you--Ladybird, that if ever you dokill my trust in you, you will kill--everything else along with it."

  "_Theo!_"

  There was sharp pain in the cry, and she swung round, flinging out herhands with a pathetic gesture of entreaty. He did not take them as shehalf hoped he would; but stood looking at her in a thoughtful silence.Then, "If you care as much as that," he said slowly, "it lies with younot to fling away the thing you care for. Will you please let me seethose bills."

  "They are on the bureau. You can take them."

  She turned again to the mantelpiece, for her lips were not quitesteady.

  "You were going to tell me about them, perhaps?"

  "N--no. I wasn't."

  He sighed; and taking up the papers, looked through them absently, toodeeply troubled to grasp their contents.

  "Are these all?" he asked quietly.

  "Nearly all."

  "Have you any idea of the total?"

  "About six hundred rupees."

  A short silence followed, during which she again heard the rustle ofpaper behind her, and longed for a sight of his face.

  "I am afraid this knocks the Lahore week on the head," he said atlength. "I am bound to run down for the Polo Tournament, of course;but I can come straight back, and we must do without the rest of itthis year."

  The incredible words roused Evelyn to open mutiny. Once more she facedhim, her head flung backward, a ring of resolve in her voice.

  "No, Theo, ... I _won't_ do without the rest of it. _You_ don't care,I daresay! So long as you can win the Punjab Cup, nothing elsematters. But Christmas week is my only bit of real pleasure in all thecold weather, and I _will_ go down for it, ... what_ever_ you say."

  Theo Desmond was completely taken aback; and when surprise gave placeto speech, his tone suggested the iron hand under the velvet glove.

  "My dear little woman, you are talking nonsense. If I find itimpossible to manage Lahore, you will remain here. There can be noquestion about that."

  But Evelyn persisted with the courage of despair.

  "Then you mustn't find it impossible, ... that's all! There has beennothing but giving up ever since we came from Murree. I'm sick of it;and I won't give up Christmas week, too. It's quite hard enough for meas it is, being stranded in the most hopeless part of India because ofyou, without your grudging my few little pleasures as well." Andsinking into a chair, she hid her face in her hands.

  The victory is more often to the unscrupulous than to the strong. Hiswife's injustice cut Desmond to the quick. Impulsive renunciationsprang to his lips; and was only checked by the remembrance that hehad given Honor his word.

  "Evelyn--Evelyn," he pleaded with sudden vehemence, "for Heaven's sakehave a little consideration for facts--if you have none for me. Igrudge you nothing--I have never done so--and you kn
ow it. But--if youreally find Frontier life intolerable, I can only give you free leaveto go home, directly I scrape together the money for your passage."

  "Go home----?" she echoed in blank bewilderment. "What do you mean?"

  "What I say."

  "But--wouldn't you come too?"

  "No. I have no leave due now; and if I had, I couldn't afford to takeit."

  "You want me to go?" she flashed out in a tremor of apprehension. "I'monly a hindrance to you here. That's the real truth, I suppose?"

  "I never said that, and I have given you no grounds for thinking it."

  "But do you, Theo--_do_ you?"

  Her eyes searched his face for confirmation of her suspicion, andfound none.

  "What I want or don't want is beside the mark," he said. "I naturallywish to see you happy; and as that evidently can't be managed here, Iam willing to let you go and be happy elsewhere."

  Her eyes fell and her answer came almost in a whisper.

  "But I couldn't be happy anywhere else--without you."

  "Is that the truth?"

  "Yes."

  "You'd prefer to stay here--with me?"

  "Yes."

  He laid his hand for an instant on her bent head.

  "Stay then, Ladybird, by all means. Only, for pity's sake, spare meany more of the sort of things you said just now."

  "And you won't stop me from going to Lahore, Theo?--Promise."

  A swift change of expression crossed his face.

  "I can't promise that. I'll do my best not to disappoint you, but Imust get all these cleared off before I think of anything else."

  "How _can_ you manage to clear them off--now?"

  "Why trouble your head about side issues? They will all be paid beforeChristmas; that ought to be enough for you."

  "But it's not enough. Tell me what you are going to do--tell me. Iwon't be pushed on one side like a child."

  Desmond frowned.

  "Well--if you insist on having it, I am going to sell Diamond."

  She started and caught at his arm. For all his matter-of-factcoolness, she knew what those half-dozen words meant to her husband.

  "No,--no Theo. Not Diamond! He's the best of them all."

  "Exactly. He'll sell quicker and fetch a longer price than any of theothers; that's why--he must go."

  "But the tournament? Captain Olliver's mad about winning the Cup thisyear."

  "I know that. So am I. I shall manage about a third pony, no fear.Time enough to think of that later. I must go and make out thoseadvertisements."

  He set his teeth upon the word and turned to leave her, but her voicearrested him half-way to the door.

  "Theo!"

  "Well?"

  "Are you _sure_ there's nothing else that can be done? It--it isn'tfair for you to lose the pony you love best, just because of a fewdressmakers' bills."

  At that his pent-up bitterness slipped from leash.

  "Upon my soul, Evelyn, you're right. But there's no other way out ofthe difficulty, so let's have no more words about it: they don't makethings easier to bear."