Mrs. Lirriper's Lodgings

front parlour window one evening in August (the parlours beingthen vacant) reading yesterday's paper my eyes for print being poorthough still I am thankful to say a long sight at a distance, when I heara gentleman come posting across the road and up the street in a dreadfulrage talking to himself in a fury and d'ing and c'ing somebody. "ByGeorge!" says he out loud and clutching his walking-stick, "I'll go toMrs. Lirriper's. Which is Mrs. Lirriper's?" Then looking round andseeing me he flourishes his hat right off his head as if I had been thequeen and he says, "Excuse the intrusion Madam, but pray Madam can youtell me at what number in this street there resides a well-known and much-respected lady by the name of Lirriper?" A little flustered though Imust say gratified I took off my glasses and courtesied and said "Sir,Mrs. Lirriper is your humble servant." "Astonishing!" says he. "Amillion pardons! Madam, may I ask you to have the kindness to direct oneof your domestics to open the door to a gentleman in search ofapartments, by the name of Jackman?" I had never heard the name but apoliter gentleman I never hope to see, for says he, "Madam I am shockedat your opening the door yourself to no worthier a fellow than JemmyJackman. After you Madam. I never precede a lady." Then he comes intothe parlours and he sniffs, and he says "Hah! These are parlours! Notmusty cupboards" he says "but parlours, and no smell of coal-sacks." Nowmy dear it having been remarked by some inimical to the wholeneighbourhood that it always smells of coal-sacks which might prove adrawback to Lodgers if encouraged, I says to the Major gently thoughfirmly that I think he is referring to Arundel or Surrey or Howard butnot Norfolk. "Madam" says he "I refer to Wozenham's lower down over theway--Madam you can form no notion what Wozenham's is--Madam it is a vastcoal-sack, and Miss Wozenham has the principles and manners of a femaleheaver--Madam from the manner in which I have heard her mention you Iknow she has no appreciation of a lady, and from the manner in which shehas conducted herself towards me I know she has no appreciation of agentleman--Madam my name is Jackman--should you require any otherreference than what I have already said, I name the Bank ofEngland--perhaps you know it!" Such was the beginning of the Major'soccupying the parlours and from that hour to this the same and a mostobliging Lodger and punctual in all respects except one irregular which Ineed not particularly specify, but made up for by his being a protectionand at all times ready to fill in the papers of the Assessed Taxes andJuries and that, and once collared a young man with the drawing-roomclock under his coat, and once on the parapets with his own hands andblankets put out the kitchen chimney and afterwards attending the summonsmade a most eloquent speech against the Parish before the magistrates andsaved the engine, and ever quite the gentleman though passionate. Andcertainly Miss Wozenham's detaining the trunks and umbrella was not in aliberal spirit though it may have been according to her rights in law oran act _I_ would myself have stooped to, the Major being so much thegentleman that though he is far from tall he seems almost so when he hashis shirt-frill out and his frock-coat on and his hat with the curlybrims, and in what service he was I cannot truly tell you my dear whetherMilitia or Foreign, for I never heard him even name himself as Major butalways simple "Jemmy Jackman" and once soon after he came when I felt itmy duty to let him know that Miss Wozenham had put it about that he wasno Major and I took the liberty of adding "which you are sir" his wordswere "Madam at any rate I am not a Minor, and sufficient for the day isthe evil thereof" which cannot be denied to be the sacred truth, nor yethis military ways of having his boots with only the dirt brushed offtaken to him in the front parlour every morning on a clean plate andvarnishing them himself with a little sponge and a saucer and a whistlein a whisper so sure as ever his breakfast is ended, and so neat his waysthat it never soils his linen which is scrupulous though more in qualitythan quantity, neither that nor his mustachios which to the best of mybelief are done at the same time and which are as black and shining ashis boots, his head of hair being a lovely white.

  It was the third year nearly up of the Major's being in the parlours thatearly one morning in the month of February when Parliament was coming onand you may therefore suppose a number of impostors were about ready totake hold of anything they could get, a gentleman and a lady from thecountry came in to view the Second, and I well remember that I had beenlooking out of window and had watched them and the heavy sleet drivingdown the street together looking for bills. I did not quite take to theface of the gentleman though he was good-looking too but the lady was avery pretty young thing and delicate, and it seemed too rough for her tobe out at all though she had only come from the Adelphi Hotel which wouldnot have been much above a quarter of a mile if the weather had been lesssevere. Now it did so happen my dear that I had been forced to put fiveshillings weekly additional on the second in consequence of a loss fromrunning away full dressed as if going out to a dinner-party, which wasvery artful and had made me rather suspicious taking it along withParliament, so when the gentleman proposed three months certain and themoney in advance and leave then reserved to renew on the same terms forsix months more, I says I was not quite certain but that I might haveengaged myself to another party but would step down-stairs and look intoit if they would take a seat. They took a seat and I went down to thehandle of the Major's door that I had already began to consult finding ita great blessing, and I knew by his whistling in a whisper that he wasvarnishing his boots which was generally considered private, however hekindly calls out "If it's you, Madam, come in," and I went in and toldhim.

  "Well, Madam," says the Major rubbing his nose--as I did fear at themoment with the black sponge but it was only his knuckle, he being alwaysneat and dexterous with his fingers--"well, Madam, I suppose you would beglad of the money?"

  I was delicate of saying "Yes" too out, for a little extra colour roseinto the Major's cheeks and there was irregularity which I will notparticularly specify in a quarter which I will not name.

  "I am of opinion, Madam," says the Major, "that when money is ready foryou--when it is ready for you, Mrs. Lirriper--you ought to take it. Whatis there against it, Madam, in this case up-stairs?"

  "I really cannot say there is anything against it, sir, still I thought Iwould consult you."

  "You said a newly-married couple, I think, Madam?" says the Major.

  I says "Ye-es. Evidently. And indeed the young lady mentioned to me ina casual way that she had not been married many months."

  The Major rubbed his nose again and stirred the varnish round and roundin its little saucer with his piece of sponge and took to his whistlingin a whisper for a few moments. Then he says "You would call it a GoodLet, Madam?"

  "O certainly a Good Let sir."

  "Say they renew for the additional six months. Would it put you aboutvery much Madam if--if the worst was to come to the worst?" said theMajor.

  "Well I hardly know," I says to the Major. "It depends uponcircumstances. Would _you_ object Sir for instance?"

  "I?" says the Major. "Object? Jemmy Jackman? Mrs. Lirriper close withthe proposal."

  So I went up-stairs and accepted, and they came in next day which wasSaturday and the Major was so good as to draw up a Memorandum of anagreement in a beautiful round hand and expressions that sounded to meequally legal and military, and Mr. Edson signed it on the Monday morningand the Major called upon Mr. Edson on the Tuesday and Mr. Edson calledupon the Major on the Wednesday and the Second and the parlours were asfriendly as could be wished.

  The three months paid for had run out and we had got without any freshovertures as to payment into May my dear, when there came an obligationupon Mr. Edson to go a business expedition right across the Isle of Man,which fell quite unexpected upon that pretty little thing and is not aplace that according to my views is particularly in the way to anywhereat any time but that may be a matter of opinion. So short a notice wasit that he was to go next day, and dreadfully she cried poor pretty, andI am sure I cried too when I saw her on the cold pavement in the sharpeast wind--it being a very backward spring that year--taking a last leaveof him with her pretty bright hair blowin
g this way and that and her armsclinging round his neck and him saying "There there there. Now let me goPeggy." And by that time it was plain that what the Major had been soaccommodating as to say he would not object to happening in the house,would happen in it, and I told her as much when he was gone while Icomforted her with my arm up the staircase, for I says "You will soonhave others to keep up for my pretty and you must think of that."

  His letter never came when it ought to have come and what she wentthrough morning after morning when the postman brought none for her thevery postman himself compassionated when she ran down to the door, andyet we cannot wonder at its