Gentleman Nine

  “Just now. I came here straight from the airport. Have you been here the whole time with her?”

  “She’s been here for a couple of days. I’ve been here the majority of the time.”

  Still looking through the window at her, I asked, “Is she gonna be alright?”

  “Yeah. At this point, they’re just monitoring her. This is the first time she’s really fallen asleep. She needed it badly.”

  As much as we were making an attempt to be cordial, you could cut the tension in the air with a knife. It felt like it was only a matter of time before one of us lost it on the other.

  “Why did you even come here, Channing?”

  And with that, it would seem my losing it would be happening sooner rather than later.

  I whipped my head toward him. “Excuse me?”

  “She told me you weren’t even speaking to her. She didn’t even do anything wrong.”

  I was ready to punch him. “Well, forgive me if I got upset because my girlfriend kissed her ex-boyfriend.”

  He angrily laughed at me. “Your girlfriend? She’s not your girlfriend.”

  “The fuck, she isn’t. She became mine long before you came back from the dead and fucked everything up.”

  “Sorry to ruin your plan of fucking me over the first chance you got. You mean to tell me that Boston job was a coincidence? You heard we broke up and wasted no time pouncing on her.”

  I bent my head back in laughter. “Are you kidding me? You have some nerve to accuse me of that when you’re the one who fucking pounced on her the second I went away to college. You knew how I—”

  “Excuse me, gentlemen!” A nurse interrupted our sparring. “You’re going to need to take this outside. A hospital floor is no place for a fight between two grown men.”

  Rory and I just death stared at each other for a few seconds. Huffing and puffing, we stalked over to the elevators and down to the lobby.

  Exiting the building in silence, I wasn’t sure if we were about to roll up our sleeves and go at it outside or what. All I knew was, whatever was about to happen between us had been a long time coming, a decade in the making.

  We ended up in a grassy area off to the side of the building that was adjacent to a parking lot. There was no one else in sight, which was probably a good thing.

  He held his hands out. “What are we even doing out here? What do you want from me, Channing? It’s not enough that you stole the only woman I’ve ever loved out from under me, fucked her, and manipulated her into falling for you?”

  I got in his face. “Is that what you really think? You think what she and I have isn’t real? I feel sorry for you if that’s the case, because you’re gravely misinformed with a false sense of confidence. You weren’t there. You have no idea what’s developed between us.”

  “You wouldn’t know a mature relationship if it hit you in the face, Lord. Have you ever told her exactly how many women you slept with before her?”

  “She knows everything about me. And I’m not the guy you think you know. But I don’t owe you an explanation of how or why I might have changed. I’m not looking for your opinion.”

  “I don’t believe that you have changed. I think Amber was a revenge fuck for you.”

  Now, he was going below the belt.

  “You’re really looking to get decked, aren’t you?” I unintentionally spit at him when I said, “Don’t you ever utter those words again unless you want your face rearranged.”

  “So, then, tell me why. How was it that you ended up with Amber as soon as we’d broken up? Out of all of the women in the world you could’ve been with, you ended up with my girl?”

  “I was there for her because you dicked her over, jackass—or so we thought. No one knew your real reason for leaving her at the time. She was shattered. You’d broken her heart. That was all I knew. Amber and I never stopped being friends even when you guys were together—you know that. Why should it surprise you that I was there for her when you crushed her?”

  “‘There for her’ equals fucking her? Isn’t that taking advantage of a vulnerable person?”

  “Again, I don’t owe you any explanations…but it wasn’t my intention to fall in love with her. Believe me, I tried as hard as I could not to.”

  “Well, you should’ve fought harder.”

  I leaned in and took pleasure in saying, “Best thing I ever did was to give up the fight.”

  He gritted his teeth. “So, that’s it? You think you can just appear out of nowhere and steal her from me when she and I have nine years of history together?”

  “Out of nowhere? I think there’s a little more to the story than that. Do I need to remind you that you stole her from under me? You knew she was interested in me before I left for UF. Yeah…she told me. You warned her against me.”

  “She was innocent. You were not a good fit for her. It was the right thing to do at the time.”

  “Of course, it was the right thing—for you. It was all part of your plan.”

  “So, fucking sue me for wanting her so much that I was willing to sacrifice our friendship for it. That was how much she meant to me. I couldn’t help that I fell in love with her.”

  “Well, I can’t help that I’m in love with her now. You threw away what you had because of a bad decision you made. You chose not to be up front with her. You ended it and left her completely devastated. I picked up the pieces, and you know what? I don’t want to give them back. I love every single broken piece of her. And I can’t feel guilty about that, even though I’m really sorry about what happened to you after the accident.”

  Rory rolled his eyes. “I bet you are.”

  Shit.

  He couldn’t have been more wrong. I took a moment to step back and gather my thoughts.

  “Is that what you think? What kind of a person do you think I am? You think what happened to you makes me happy?” An unexpected flurry of emotion came over me in that moment when I noticed the true sadness and regret in his eyes. “I’m fucking devastated for you. You were my best friend at one time. I would never wish that on you. Never.”

  We stood in silence just staring at each other, seeming to calm down with each second that passed.

  “Yeah, well…” He kicked some dirt. “I still think she’d be better off without me. I just don’t know how to stop loving her.”

  “You and me both.”

  We continued to stand face to face.

  “I guess, in a lot of ways, we’re right back where we started,” he said. “We both want her, and we both can’t have her.” Rory paused, looking up at the sky and then back at me. “I know you probably think I didn’t care about what I did when I broke the pact we made all those years ago, but I felt like a piece of shit for doing that to you. Not that it’s any consolation now.”

  “As much as you did me dirty, I honestly can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same thing if it were you who went away and if she’d expressed an interest in me. So, I can’t hold you to a standard that I couldn’t uphold when it comes to myself. I actually forgave you in my head a long time ago.”

  “So, if you forgive me, why did you look like you wanted to kill me earlier?”

  “That was because of your second-guessing my current intentions. Maybe this would be easier for you to accept if you thought all she was to me was a revenge fuck. But I think at this point, we just need to understand that the one thing we do agree on is that we both want what’s best for Amber, and we both want her to be happy. None of us chose the situation we’re in now. It just happened. And ultimately, it’s Amber who decides whom she wants to spend her life with. If she chooses you, I’m not gonna interfere. And I expect the same from you.”

  I wasn’t anticipating what came out of his mouth next.

  “I lie awake at night praying she chooses me. And the other half of the time, I’m praying she doesn’t…because I’ll never be able to give her everything she deserves.”

  It genuinely did hurt me to think about what happened to
Rory. I couldn’t imagine having to deal with that on top of everything else. But I knew Amber. And if she believed Rory was the one for her, his not being able to have children wouldn’t deter her from wanting to be with him. Amber was naturally loving. I could easily see her adopting and treating that child like it was her own. Just look at the way she was with Milo.

  “Don’t do that to yourself, man,” I simply said.

  His hardened expression seemed to soften. “Where do we go from here?”

  “We shake hands and agree not to make this more difficult than it already is.”

  Rory held out his hand to me, and I took it. I didn’t know what came over me when I suddenly yanked him toward me into a hug. Then, we patted each other on the back.

  “I’m sorry to hear about your mother,” he said.

  “Thank you.”

  “She was always so nice to me.”

  “Yeah. She always liked you.” I grinned and joked, “She never was a good judge of character.”

  He smiled. “Jackass.”

  As we walked back into the hospital, Rory turned to me and said, “I wasn’t thinking I’d be heading back in here unscathed. You disappoint me, Lord. I was expecting at least a bloody lip.”

  “You hurt Amber again, and I’ll be happy to deliver that and more. No matter how this story ends, I will always have Amber’s back, which means you’ll have to watch yours.”

  He smacked me hard on the back. “Same goes for you.”

  The nurse who’d scolded us earlier was watching us like a hawk when we returned to the floor. Assuming our position in front of the narrow window on Amber’s door, we could see through the glass that she was no longer sleeping.

  “Looks like she’s awake,” Rory said. “I was gonna go down to the cafeteria and get some coffee. You want anything?”

  I knew he was intentionally giving me time alone with her, and I appreciated that.

  “Nah. I think I’m just gonna go on in and let her know I’m here.”

  He nodded once. “Alright.”

  I watched as he walked toward the elevators. I’d come to Boston hoping to make things right with Amber. I never expected to make peace with Rory.

  I guess holiday miracles do happen.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  * * *

  AMBER

  Blinking my eyes open, I had no idea how long I’d been sleeping nor what day it was. The grid-like squares of fluorescent light on the ceiling were giving me a headache as was the smell of the hospital itself, a mix of antiseptic and flesh.

  That feeling of dread whenever I thought about my current reality started to seep in as I became more coherent.

  The meds they were giving me were working but not fast enough. Grabbing for the remote, I turned on the television and blankly stared at the news program that was on. The bed adjacent to mine was empty, and for that, I was grateful.

  There was a slight knock. Assuming it was the nurse coming to take my vitals, I didn’t even look in the direction of the door.

  When he appeared at my bedside, the recognition of his scent made me realize it wasn’t a nurse after all.

  As I looked up at Channing, I could hardly believe he was here. As my heart pumped faster, I shut off the television. My eyes closed as his hand slowly reached my cheek. He smelled like the outside mixed with sandalwood, literally a breath of fresh air in this stagnant place.

  “How are you feeling?”

  “I’ve been better.” I smiled. “But I’m going to be okay.”

  He exhaled and took my hand. “Thank God. I was worried sick.”

  A feeling so powerful came over me. I finally understood what people like Boris and Annabelle had been telling me all along—that there would come a time when what I was truly feeling would reveal itself organically. Inexplicably, I would know where my heart was. It was a feeling that couldn’t be quantified nor was it premeditated. It just happened upon me naturally and unexpectedly.

  This sickness had knocked the wind out of me. But it had also given me more time to reflect on my life. It wasn’t until he was right in front of me at this very moment that I became certain of my truest feelings—that I couldn’t live without this man. I’d been miserable from the moment he left to go back to Chicago.

  “Where’s Rory?” I asked.

  The expression on his face darkened. He was probably assuming that my question meant I needed Rory more than him. The truth was, I needed to make sure that Rory wasn’t going to walk in at this particular moment. I knew Rory had been at the hospital almost the entire time I was here.

  “He went down to the cafeteria to grab a coffee.”

  The sentiment was practically bursting through my chest. “I love you, Channing.”

  He looked shocked, and then his eyes filled with hope once what I’d just said hit him. “You do?”

  He knew that I vowed never to say those words unless I truly meant them.

  “I love you. I promised you I wouldn’t say it until I was yours. There is no doubt in my mind that I belong with you. I’ve never been more scared than these past few days when I thought I was losing you for good.”

  “What about Rory?” The tone of his question and the look in his eyes reflected what seemed almost like concern for Rory. It was an interesting observation.

  Of course, the mere mention of Rory’s name caused me to start to cry. I would always love him. And a huge part of me felt absolutely terrible right now. But what it came down to was simple.

  “My heart beats stronger for you, Channing. I love Rory. I will always love him. And that’s something that I hope you can understand. But love isn’t always only about the person who makes you feel the safest or even how much you care about someone. Sometimes, it’s about the person who ignites your soul, and that may also be the person you fear the most. Sometimes love entails taking the biggest risk. You’re the biggest risk, because losing you would be the most earth-shattering thing. My love for you is different. It’s something I can’t live without. I learned to live without Rory. I can’t live without you now that I know what it’s like to have you in my life. I never want to know what losing you is like.”

  He let out the biggest sigh of relief. “God, I was bracing myself to lose you. You have no idea.”

  “I will never make you feel like you have to doubt my intentions again.”

  Channing’s eyes were watery. “I love you so much, Amber. I’m sorry I acted like a dick this week. I was just scared.”

  “I know you were. So was I.” It hit me that he’d come all the way from Chicago and left Christine. “Who’s with your mother?”

  “I drove her to her sister’s house, a couple of hours away from us. She’s fine. I told her to expect that I’d be gone a few days. I’ll be here with you for New Year’s.”

  “How did you even know I was here at the hospital?”

  “Annabelle called me. Don’t be mad at her.”

  Rolling my eyes, I nodded. “I should’ve known.”

  He took my hand. “So, what now? Do you think Rory knows where your heart is?”

  “I have to tell him. I’m going to need to talk to him today.”

  He bit his lip, looking pensive. “Okay.” It touched me to see how much compassion Channing seemed to have. He wasn’t gloating; he seemed seriously concerned for Rory.

  Channing lowered his head down on my chest. “I don’t ever want to be apart from you again.” He continued to lay his head there as I ran my fingers through his hair. It was a perfect moment.

  We were in our own world. So much so that when Rory entered the room, I hadn’t noticed, until he was standing before us, holding two coffees, and looking like his world just ended.

  ***

  I’d been expecting some sort of confrontation between them, but it never happened. Channing looked somber as he glanced over at Rory. The animosity that previously existed seemed to have disappeared.

  Channing squeezed my hand and said, “I need a shower. I’m gonna head to your
place. I still have the key. I’ll be back soon.”

  Then, he quietly slipped out of the room, leaving Rory and me alone.

  When the door latched closed, Rory put the coffees down and just continued to stand there frozen.

  He knew.

  “Don’t say it. I already know what’s going on, and I just can’t bear to hear you say the words.”

  No longer able to contain my tears, I cried, “I’m so sorry, Rory.”

  Rory stayed at the opposite end of the room. He looked distraught when he said, “This past week—even before you got sick—you’d been completely distant. I knew you were thinking of him. I knew I was losing you for good.”

  I tried to compose myself to best explain what I was feeling. There was no easy way to do it. I just had to spit it out, even though it hurt me.

  “When you told me to explore other people, that’s what I did. And I found someone with whom I have a deeper connection, a connection that in retrospect goes way back. The reason why you left isn’t important. The fact is, you let me go long enough to realize my feelings for someone else—someone whom I’ve grown to love. I’ll always love you, too. I just can’t be with you anymore, as much as that hurts me to finally admit.” My voice was shaky. “I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”

  He was looking down. “I can’t look at you right now. It’s too painful. But I want you to know that there’s nothing to forgive. You didn’t do anything wrong. I just hope you made the right decision.”

  There was a curtain serving as a partition between me and the empty adjacent bed. Rory disappeared behind there for several minutes. I didn’t want to imagine he was crying. And I couldn’t imagine how he was feeling.

  His eyes were red when he reemerged. Rory slowly approached me and took both of my hands in his, kissing them firmly. “Are you gonna be okay if I go home?”

  The fact that he even cared hurt my heart. “Of course.”

  The level of respect I had for how he’d handled himself during this entire ordeal was boundless. My respect for him was boundless.