Wishful Thinking

  Phil had just taken a big mouthful of grape soda and she nearly sprayed it all over the interior of his car. She finally managed to swallow with a gasp. “Don’t say that kind of thing when I have my mouth full!” she scolded. “I almost redecorated the inside of your car.”

  Josh grinned. “Well, you know, now that I think about it, Chez Bowman is kinda drab. We could maybe use a fresh coat of paint in here. Or grape soda, whichever you happen to have a mouthful of.”

  Phil laughed again, thinking that she couldn’t remember having such a good time during a meal. Christian had taken her out to plenty of fancy restaurants in the past year, but all of those dinners had been dull affairs to impress new or potential clients. She couldn’t remember laughing at a single one of them. In fact, she couldn’t remember laughing with Christian at all in a very long time.

  Thinking of her fiancé made her remember the fight they’d had that morning and her good mood evaporated like water spilled in the sun.

  “Hey, Swann?”

  She looked up to see that Josh was giving her his concerned look again. “What gives? We were having fun and then all of a sudden you got this look on your face like your puppy died.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry.” Phil had finished her sandwich and she folded the paper towel nervously into fourths. “It’s just that…this…this thinking out loud thing where I can’t stop saying what’s on my mind…it’s kind of really put a crimp in my relationships.”

  “Trouble in paradise?” Josh raised one eyebrow but his deep voice remained neutral.

  Phil shrugged. She’d always felt free to talk to Josh about everything—well, almost everything—to do with Christian, he wouldn’t be her best friend otherwise. But sometimes she glossed over the worst aspects of her relationship with her fiancé because she got tired of defending him. She wanted to gloss over the fight they’d had this morning, too, but then the wish kicked in.

  “I have…I want to go back to school—to law school.” She looked up from her now tiny napkin square and saw Josh listening quietly as he finished the last of the soda. “And Christian and I had a deal that I would put him through first and then he would put me through. That way we wouldn’t have to take so many loans. So he’s been out of school for a while now—over a year—and I wanted to talk about going back. Well, first, I wanted to talk about finally getting married. I mean, we’ve been together five years now and it’s getting ridiculous.”

  Josh cleared his throat. “So did you set a date?’

  “No, that was what we were supposed to be talking about this morning. Christian has been dodging the issue forever and last night when I…when this whole speaking my mind thing started, I confronted him about it and he promised we’d talk over coffee.”

  “You don’t drink coffee,” Josh pointed out.

  Phil shrugged. “No, but I make a pot for him every morning. Anyway, we started talking and some…things sort of came to light that, well, they really hurt me.”

  “He, uh, doesn’t want to get married?” Josh was looking down at his hands so she couldn’t read his expression.

  “Well, no—actually, I don’t know. He said we should save up for a big wedding but I told him I was tired of waiting, you know? I even told him we could go to Vegas if he wanted to.”

  Josh looked up quickly. “You’re not, are you? I mean…” He cleared his throat. “Are you really considering that?”

  “I really don’t know what’s going on with the marriage issue right now. But as far as I’m concerned, it’s secondary to my going back to school.”

  “Secondary?” Josh raised both eyebrows this time. “Wow, sounds serious.”

  “It is.” Phil took a deep breath and let it out, wishing she could skip this part. It was so humiliating. But of course, the wish wouldn’t let her stop. “We, uh, I brought up the idea of me quitting BB&D and going back to school. I’ve tried to tell Christian before what a hellhole it is. I mean, if it wasn’t for you, I’d go crazy working there.”

  One corner of Josh’s full mouth quirked up. “Thanks, Swann. Honestly, I kind of feel the same way about you.”

  “Really?” She reached out to squeeze his hand. “Thanks, Josh, that means a lot to me.”

  “Likewise.” He nodded and entwined their fingers again so that they were holding hands loosely as they talked. “So go on, you told Christian you wanted to go back to school. What did he say?”

  “He…he said that I ought to forget about it. That I should stay home and take care of the house, have a few babies, take some tennis lessons. You know, that kind of thing.”

  “He wants you to do the Desperate Housewife thing? Why?”

  Phil nearly choked getting the words out. “He said…said that it would be a waste of money putting me through law school because I would be a lousy lawyer. Apparently I’d be…no good in a courtroom situation and I’d probably lose every case I tried.”

  “Hey.” Josh put his free hand on her arm. “I hope those are his words, not yours.”

  Phil nodded. Her eyes were welling up again but she just let the tears come. “I…I turned down an acceptance to Stanford to put him through school. I’ve put my life on hold for him for the last four or five years, all because I thought he believed in me the way I believed in him. And now, to find out he has such a low opinion of me…” She swiped at her tears angrily with the folded paper towel. “But the worst thing is, he wasn’t angry when he said it. I mean, we had been fighting but then he got very calm and said that he cared about me and didn’t want me to get hurt by finding out the hard way that I just didn’t have what…what it takes.”

  “Oh, Phil…” Josh squeezed her hand. “You know that’s not true, right?”

  “I…I feel like I don’t know anything.” Phil held onto his hand like a lifeline. “I mean, he says he cares about me, he kept reminding me of all the good times we’ve had together and then…then he drops this bomb. Crushes my dreams. And a part of me keeps thinking…” She choked back a sob. “Keeps thinking, what if he’s right? What if I would make a rotten lawyer? What if everything I’ve wanted and waited and worked for is all wrong for me?”

  Josh leaned closer to look into her eyes. Cupping her cheek, he brushed away a hot, salty tear with his thumb. “Come on, Phil, tell me you don’t believe that.”

  “I d-don’t know what to believe,” she stuttered, unhappiness overcoming her at last. Josh released her hand and pulled her close, wrapping his arms around her and holding her, gently but very securely. The next thing she knew, Phil was sobbing against his chest. She hated herself for being so weak. But at the same time, it felt like a knot that had been inside her chest all day was finally loosening. Josh just stroked her shoulders and back, silently.

  At last she felt her sobs taper off into sniffles. She struggled to sit up and Josh helped her, keeping an arm around her shoulders for support.

  “Here.” He handed her his paper towel and Phil shook off the sandwich crumbs and used it to blot her eyes and wipe her face. “Better now?” His melted chocolate eyes were filled with concern.

  “Uh-huh.” Phil nodded and took a deep breath. She looked down and saw that she had made a wet patch on the dark blue button down shirt he was wearing. “Wow, look at this.” She plucked at the damp material apologetically. “I didn’t mean to cry all over you. I’m really sorry, Josh, I just—”

  “Don’t be.” He squeezed her shoulders gently. “I want to be here for you. Always. You can cry all over me any time. Anyway, it’ll dry.” He disengaged for a moment and reached down to unbutton the shirt, opening it so that the wet patch could air dry. The gap in the dark blue material showed a broad expanse of muscular chest that would have made Phil’s mouth water if she wasn’t still so miserable. And still engaged, she reminded herself. Were things with Christian really over?

  “See? No harm done.” Josh’s voice broke into her mini-guilt session. He gave her a warm smile which she tried to return. “Now come here,” he said and pulled her back against him. r />
  “Thanks.” Phil sighed and leaned her head against his shoulder. Somehow her right hand found its way inside his shirt to rest against the hard, warm wall of his chest and she felt the strong, slow, reassuring beat of his heart under her palm.

  It occurred to Phil that she and Josh had never been very physical with each other until a few days ago. In fact, aside from a few quick hugs and the occasional shoulder rub, they had always kept a certain distance—similar to their silent agreement to avoid certain topics of conversation. But now it felt natural to be so close to him. It felt…safe somehow—soothing. Maybe because she instinctively knew she was in the arms of a man who would do anything for her, who believed in her more completely than she believed in herself. It was a good feeling.

  “So this whole thing with Christian started because of the other thing—you saying everything you think?” Josh’s voice sounded even more rumbly with her ear pressed against his chest.

  “Uh-huh.” Phil nodded, hearing the whisper of her hair coming loose from its tight bun against his blue cotton shirt.

  “So, is this…an on-going problem? I mean…” He cleared his throat. “You said it was kind of like having Tourettes so do you…is it something you can control with medication, or…?”

  Phil gave a sad little laugh and sat up to face him. “I wish I could explain it to you better—all I can say is it’s something to do with my family. I guess you could call it a hereditary problem. And I’m trying to get it fixed but for now…” She shrugged. “I can’t help it and it’s making my life hell. You know I started out this morning by threatening my elderly neighbor?”

  Josh raised an eyebrow at her and half laughed. “You’re kidding, right?”

  “No.” Phil shook her head. “See, she always steals my paper—well, Christian’s morning paper. And he’s in such a rotten mood in the morning if he doesn’t get to read the sports section and have a cup of coffee. So she was making my life hard but I was always too, I don’t know—nice? Afraid? Anyway, I could never make myself say anything. But this morning I told her she’d better not take it again. Oh, and I threatened to kick her dog. But only because it peed on my slippers,” she added hastily. “While I was wearing them.”

  “Well, can’t say I blame you there, Swann. Any dog that takes a leak on my loafers is pretty much gonna wind up in orbit.”

  Phil almost laughed. “Well, between that, and the fight with Christian, and all the trouble it caused in the office—it’s been a real mess. Oh, and I yelled at the little blind pencil boy and stomped on his glasses.”

  “No kidding?”

  “Uh-huh. Because, you know—he’s not really blind or even visually impaired. But he’s been guilting me into buy a pencil every day for three years. And today, well, I just got sick of it.”

  He laughed again and stroked a wisp of hair out of her eyes with his free hand. “Yeah, that kid’s a real scam artist. I’ve seen him riding off on his bike when he thinks nobody’s watching.”

  “See? Me too!” Phil exclaimed. “But I only got the nerve to do something about it today. And in a way…a sick way, I guess, it felt really…well, good.”

  Josh frowned at her, the expression darkening his deep brown eyes. “Why shouldn’t it feel good to stand up for yourself? Why should you just take what everybody dishes out without a word?”

  “I know, but I said a lot of words I probably shouldn’t have. Especially in that fight I had with Christian.” Phil looked down at her right hand, still resting lightly against Josh’s tan chest. “I, uh, criticized his bedroom technique. I guess that’s the polite way to put it, anyway.”

  Josh winced. “Ouch. Well, I have to agree from a guy’s point of view that hurts. But did he have it coming?”

  “Well.” Phil bit her lip, feeling embarrassed. “He’s…been busy a lot. First with law school and then with the new job. I guess he doesn’t quite…put as much effort into our love life as he used to.” She coughed nervously, feeling the wish beginning to work. Here we go again. “He…we used to do things that we don’t anymore. I guess he’s too tired but…well…I miss some of those…things.”

  “Things?” Josh raised an eyebrow. “Could you be more specific, Swann? I guess I just have no imagination where these kinds of, uh, things are concerned.”

  Phil could tell he was just trying to lighten the mood. But his direct question had gotten her mind working and so her mouth started working, too.

  “He used to take a lot longer getting me ready for…for sex,” she said hesitantly. “He touched me…stroked me…asked me what I liked. And while we were…well, during I guess you could say, he always asked if I was enjoying myself.” She sighed. “Now, well… He just kind of…does it.”

  “Damn.” Josh made a face. “Um, it does sound like he’s kind of a jerk in that area. Maybe he did deserve what you said.”

  “Maybe.” She took her hand out of Josh’s shirt, feeling guilty, and laced her fingers together. “Actually, I think that’s one of the reasons I had that, uh, dream I told you about. Because it’s been such a long time since…well, since Christian did some of the things you did to me. In my dream, I mean,” she finished hastily, her cheeks getting warm again as her eyes flickered up to meet his.

  “Uh-huh.” Josh looked at her intently and there was something in his deep brown eyes, something Phil could have sworn she had never seen before. Or maybe it had always been there and she had just never noticed. “What…” Josh cleared his throat. “If you don’t mind me asking, what exactly did we do in this dream of yours? I mean, since I was the star of the show, I’d kind of like to know how I, uh, performed.” He laughed but it was clear that he was serious.

  Phil bit her lower lip, feeling her heart begin to drum against her ribs. Before when she’d been forced to tell her best friend about her X-rated dream she had felt humiliated because she’d thought she was making him uncomfortable and she was afraid to go past the invisible line they had set for themselves. But now…now Josh was asking to hear exactly what had transpired in the dream. He wasn’t offended or uneasy, just curious. And there was that something in his eyes. Something that compelled her to break the barriers she had kept between them for so long. This time Phil thought that even if her wish hadn’t compelled her to tell him, she would have spoken anyway.

  “Promise not to laugh?” She looked up at him shyly. They were still sitting very close in the car, with his arm around her shoulder. Phil could feel the heat from his big body radiating all along her left side and she could smell his cologne again—that warm, masculine aroma that seemed to do things to her insides. She wanted to touch the muscular tan chest she could see through the opening in his shirt again but she restrained herself.

  “I promise.” Josh’s eyes seemed deep enough to drown in.

  “Well…” Phil looked down at her hands, unable to meet the intensity of his gaze any longer. “Like I told you, it started with me sitting in a chair. I think I might have been at my desk at BB&D. And I was wearing a white silk blouse, just like this one.” She nodded down at the shirt she had on. “But…but I wasn’t wearing a bra under it.”

  “Oh, no?” She could feel his eyes traveling over her white shirt, probably picking out the outlines of the lacy white cups of the bra she had on that day.

  “No,” she whispered. “So I…I was sitting there and you came up behind me. You know like you do sometimes to surprise me and make me jump?” Josh did this at least once a week, sneaking up behind her and blowing in her ear or tickling her. Phil always scolded him but to be honest she kind of liked it.

  “Uh-huh.” Josh was nodding. “Go on, so did I tickle you?”

  “No.” Phil shook her head. “It was…the oddest thing. You just put your hands on my shoulders and whispered in my ear.”

  “What…” Josh cleared his throat. “What did I say?”

  “You said, ‘Don’t move, Swann. I…I’m going to make you feel good.’” She looked down at her hands, feeling like her face must be as red as h
er lips.

  “And did I?” Josh prompted in a low voice.

  “Uh-huh.” Phil nodded, still looking down at her hands. “You…you ran your hands down my shoulders and around under my arms until you were cupping my…my breasts.” She looked up at her friend. “And here’s the thing—it was so real. I mean, I could feel the silk of my blouse brushing against my…my nipples when you…when you pinched them. And then when you un-unbuttoned my blouse and cupped me again without the shirt in the way, your hands were so big…so warm on my bare breasts…”

  She became aware that her breath was coming faster now and her heart was pounding double time. She couldn’t tell how Josh felt about what she was telling him. He was sitting very still, giving her his complete attention as he always did.

  “Josh?” she asked anxiously. “Am…am I going too far?”

  His eyes were half-lidded in the soft gloom cast by the oak tree shading his car. “No, you’re not going too far. But, uh, I thought you said there was more. More to the dream.”

  “There was.” She took a deep breath and was surprised to find that she wanted to go on. “I, uh, I think I told you that the next thing I knew we were in bed together.”

  “Naked?” Josh’s deep voice was slightly hoarse. The tension was back between them—the unseen current that she had felt when they first talked about the dream. How long had it been there, before today, with her ignoring it?

  “Completely naked,” she said softly. “We were…lying on our sides facing each other and you had your arms around me. I remember I felt so warm and safe.”

  “Mmm.” He squeezed her shoulder gently and smiled. “I like that you feel safe with me in your dreams.”

  Phil smiled back and looked down at her hands. “I felt safe but I also felt so…so sensitive. Like every inch of my skin was alive the way it hasn’t been in ages. You were touching me and holding me close so that our chests and…other things rubbed together. And you were stroking all over my back with your big, warm hands.”