All These Things I've Done

  At first, Leo didn’t say anything. “This stings,” he said, moving the peas from his eye and setting them down in his lap. I finally got a good look at his eye. The lid was swollen shut, and a pinkish-purple mark was spreading across his cheek. The skin was bleeding a little near his temple.

  “Oh, Leo,” I said. “Who did this to you?”

  He pulled the bag up to his eye again. “I hit him first.”

  “Who? Who did you hit?” When he’d first been injured, Leo had had trouble controlling his anger, but this hadn’t been a problem for years.

  “Annie, I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “I need to know who you hit in case I need to do something about it,” I said. “It doesn’t have to be a big deal, but we might have to apologize or, at least, talk to people, explain about your condition.”

  Leo threw the bag of peas at the window and the bag broke open. Peas rolled in every direction across the floor. “Shut up, Anya! You are not the boss of me and you don’t know everything.”

  “Okay, Leo. You’re right. Please, just tell me who you hit. I need to know.”

  “Cousin Mickey,” he said.

  You’ll no doubt remember that Mickey was Yuri Balanchine’s son and likely successor. Apologies would most certainly need to be made and, ideally, as soon as possible.

  “Why, Leo? Did Mickey do something bad to you?”

  Leo’s gaze floated to the upper-right corner of the room. I peered up to see what was there, but I saw nothing. “It’s his fault Nana’s dead,” Leo said finally.

  “Come again?”

  “If we hadn’t been out of town for his stupid wedding, Nana wouldn’t have died. She’d be here now, and I wouldn’t be … Why did we even have to go to that wedding?”

  “Nana wanted us to, remember? She thought it was important for us to show respect to the rest of the family.”

  Leo wrung his hands. “It’s a lot of pressure. It’s too much pressure. It’s a lot of pressure.”

  “What is?” I asked.

  “Being in charge of you and Natty. I miss Nana. I want Nana back. And Daddy!”

  “Oh, Leo! You aren’t alone in any of this. I’m here.”

  “But you’re my little sister. I need to protect you.”

  I smiled. In a way, it was touching that he saw me that way. “Leo, I really can take care of myself. I’ve been taking care of myself for some time.”

  Leo said nothing.

  “Can you lie down for me, Leo? I think it would be good if you rested.”

  Leo nodded. I loosened his tie and took off his bloodstained dress shirt, and then he lay down. “Do you think everyone is going to be mad at me?” he asked.

  “Don’t worry about any of that right now. I’ll explain everything. Everyone understands how hard Nana’s death has been on us.”

  I walked out of the room. Imogen was still standing in the hallway so I asked her if she wouldn’t mind keeping an eye on Leo for me. “I had already planned on it,” Imogen said.

  Though Win, Natty, and Scarlet had gone into the living room, Yuji Ono had remained in the foyer.

  As I retied my bathrobe, I wished very much that I’d gotten dressed that morning. “I’m sorry to have kept you waiting. I know you’re in a rush.”

  Yuji waved his hand dismissively. “I’d like to speak to you in private,” he said. “Can we be heard here?”

  I suggested we go out onto the balcony. We walked through the living room, past the others, to get outside. Win looked at me questioningly, and I smiled slightly to let him know that I was fine.

  “Why weren’t you at the wake today?” Yuji asked after I’d closed the balcony doors behind us.

  I told him that I’d been ill and that I’d feared infecting other people.

  Yuji studied my face and this made me uncomfortable. As I was only wearing my bathrobe, I began to shiver so Yuji offered me his coat. I declined, but he insisted, taking the coat off and placing it over my shoulders.

  “What happened to make Leo strike Mickey?” I asked.

  “I am not sure I know. One moment Leo was speaking to his friend, Yuri’s illegitimate son with the prostitute—I cannot remember the young man’s name?”

  “Jakov Pirozhki,” I said. “Jacks.”

  “And the next moment, Leo was running across the room to deck Mickey. The reason I wanted to talk to you was because I was concerned that perhaps this Jacks has an unhealthy influence on your brother.”

  “It’s possible, but I don’t think Jacks put Leo up to striking Mickey Balanchine, if that’s what you mean. I’m afraid one of our lawyers put the idea in Leo’s head that, if we hadn’t gone to the wedding, Galina would still be alive,” I explained.

  Yuji stretched out his hands, then took a deep breath and bowed his head. I could tell he was debating whether to speak his mind. “Anya, what I am about to say, I say with the greatest respect for you and for your family and especially for the relationship between our beloved fathers, now deceased.” He paused to clear his throat. “It is time for you to set your house in order.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You have allowed things to get out of hand here, but it is not too late. I feel sure that your brother has come under the influence of Jakov Pirozhki. But it is more than this. The reason I made this trip to America was on behalf of the big-five chocolate families. Do you know who they are?”

  I nodded. “The Balanchines here. You guys in Asia. The …” And here I paused. I honestly wasn’t sure which families would be considered the other three.

  “Yes, I was like you once,” Yuji said. “I’d spent my whole life living in the shadow of this business without really knowing anything about it: in what climates chocolate thrives, what the factories look like, why it became illegal in parts of the world, the people who make their livelihoods growing and distributing it, the—”

  “Enough,” I interrupted him. I could tell I was being insulted. “Why should I know anything about it when I have no plans to ever work in it?”

  “Yes,” Yuji said, “I thought that once, and I, too, resisted. But, Anya, people like you and me, we don’t get a choice. We were born into these destinies. You will be in chocolate whether you want to be or not. You are the oldest child of Leonyd Balanchine, and—”

  “I am not! Leo is!”

  “Leo was,” Yuji insisted. “You are a smart girl, and I know you understand what I mean by this.”

  I said nothing.

  “Can you honestly tell me that you consider it a wise strategy to have nothing to do with your family’s business? Why were you in prison last fall? And why did your boyfriend end up poisoned and missing a foot? Why is your father dead and your mother? And so many in my family as well? Why is your brother the way he is? Anya, you are nearly a grown woman now, and it is time.”

  “Time for what?” I demanded.

  “For you to accept your birthright and make the best of it,” Yuji said.

  “What about Yuri? And Yuri’s son? Don’t they run the Balanchines?”

  “Not wisely. Not well. The other families perceive the weakness and the turmoil here. They see opportunities. And your uncle has made many enemies. He never should have become the head of the Balanchine family, and everyone knows it. Back when your father was killed, everyone thought your grandmother Galina would become the interim head of the Balanchine Family, but she opted to care for you and your siblings instead.”

  I had never known that.

  “It’s a very dangerous situation for you, Anya. More people will end up dead. Trust me. The Fretoxin poisoning will only be the beginning of it.”

  “I have responsibilities,” I said. “The best way I can protect my family—by which I mean Natty and Leo—is by keeping all of us out of it.”

  Yuji looked me in the eyes. “If I understand correctly, chicken pox are only contagious before they scab. You could have been at Galina’s wake today, but you chose not to be. It seems to me that you chose to spend the morning m
aking out with your boyfriend instead.”

  “That isn’t true.”

  “Isn’t it, though?” Yuji asked.

  “What do you want from me?” I asked.

  “I’m here because I’m a friend of your family and that is why I was chosen to make a report to the other families on the dealings of the Balanchines since the poisoning debacle.”

  “What will you say?”

  “I don’t know yet,” Yuji replied. “In my opinion, your family is on the verge of great internecine turmoil. On the one hand, what may be in the best interest of the other families is to allow this to occur, and once it’s over, we’ll all swoop in to divvy up the Balanchines’ share of the market.”

  I wasn’t sure what internecine meant. I’d have to look it up later.

  “On the other hand, I believe that it is better for the chocolate business to have strong partners. Your father was a great leader. And I believe that you could be a great leader, too.”

  “You’ve become as warped as the rest of them. My father was no great leader. My father was a common criminal. A thief and a murderer.”

  “No, Anya, you’re wrong. Leonyd Balanchine was a simple businessman, trying to make the best of a bad situation. Chocolate wasn’t always illegal, and it could be legal again someday, too. Soon it may not even be about the chocolate.”

  “What will it be about?”

  “This is a longer discussion, I’m afraid. Perhaps child labor. But I believe, as do many others, that it will be water. We are running out of it, and the person who controls the water supply will control the whole world.”

  “I can’t do any of this!” I said. “I’m just a girl and I have to take care of my brother and sister. I’d like to finish high school, maybe even go to college. What you seem to be asking of me is impossible.”

  “Here is something my father always said to me that I will now repeat to you: ‘Yuji, you can either be a bystander who lives his life in reaction to the decisions that others make, or you can be the leader who is making those decisions.’ It may have lost a little something in translation from the Japanese, but you see my point. You say you want to protect your brother and sister above everything. I ask you, Anya: Of those two people my father named, which one do you think is better able, better prepared to protect his or her family? The one who is running around trying to avoid conflict? Or the one who knows there will be conflict and embraces it? Do you know what my father said is the best thing in life to be?”

  I shook my head. Yuji was clearly passionate, but I wasn’t sure I was completely grasping his point.

  “The catalyst. In a chemical reaction, the catalyst instigates the change but is not changed itself.”

  “Your father is dead, Yuji,” I reminded him. “As is mine.”

  At that moment, another Japanese man came out onto the balcony. This man was the most enormous person I’d ever seen in the flesh. He had a round belly and big arms like a sumo wrestler. He wore a black suit and his black hair was in a ponytail. He couldn’t have been anything but one of Yuji’s bodyguards. (He must have been waiting in the exterior hallway the entire time.) He spoke several sentences in Japanese, and Yuji replied in kind. Yuji bowed his head toward me. “I must go,” he said in a much more formal manner. “I am leaving for Asia this afternoon. I have extended this visit as long as I could. Perhaps even longer than was wise. We won’t be seeing each other again very soon. If you ever need to speak to me, please don’t hesitate to call, though. Goodbye, Miss Balanchine. And good luck.” He bowed his head again.

  I walked him to the door, past Win and Scarlet and Natty again, and then I went into the bathroom to splash some water on my face before going back to the living room. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. All my welts were scabbed over, and though I was feeling better, my physical appearance was at its most gruesome. Some tiny part of me felt vaguely embarrassed that handsome, twenty-three-year-old Yuji Ono had been forced to see me looking so ugly. I would rather have not seen anyone in this condition, let alone my childhood crush. Still, I realized now that it had been more than a mistake not to go to Nana’s wake: it had been selfish and a sin. I should have anticipated that Leo might have reacted in such a way. Yuji had been right. Despite what I said before, it had not been a fear of infecting other people or poor health that had stopped me from going, but vanity.

  It was a good lesson.

  I went into my bedroom to put on clothes. Though I wouldn’t have minded spending the rest of that day in bed, there were things yet to be done. I needed to go see Yuri and Mickey Balanchine to explain about my brother.

  The doorbell rang. I thought it might be Yuji Ono, come back to tell me all the other ways in which I was failing, but it wasn’t: it was Mr. Kipling and Simon Green. They had tied up the business at the wake and had come to check on Leo and the rest of us.

  “Yes,” I reported. “We’re all fine enough. Leo is resting. And I’m on my way to make amends with Yuri and Mickey. Would either of you happen to know what the word internecine means?”

  “Bloody,” they replied in unison.

  “It’s a bloody conflict within a group,” Simon Green continued.

  “Something for a school report?” Mr. Kipling asked.

  I shook my head.

  “You look awful,” Simon Green added unhelpfully.

  “Thank you,” I replied.

  “No, I only meant, are you sure you’re up to going out?” Simon Green asked.

  “I’d rather not, but I don’t think it can be put off,” I said.

  “Anya is right,” Mr. Kipling said. “When small wounds are left untreated, they can fester and become far more serious injuries. We’ll take you there, if you’d like.”

  “No,” I replied. “I think it’s best if I go alone. It’ll seem less formal.”

  Mr. Kipling agreed that my instincts were probably right, but he insisted that he and Simon Green ride the bus with me to the Pool anyway.

  XVI.

  i apologize (repeatedly); am apologized to (once)

  AS I MENTIONED BEFORE, the Pool was located on West End Avenue in the nineties, not too far from Holy Trinity. Though I tried to avoid going there, the Pool was beautiful in its way. Mosaic tiles lined the walls in gold, white, and turquoise. No one had swum there in years, but the whole place still smelled lightly of chlorine. And because all of it was underground, it was quiet and cool. Sound bounced around in unusual, unpredictable patterns. Daddy had chosen the space because it was cheap, easy to secure, and more convenient than the old offices in Williamsburg. I imagine it had also pleased him aesthetically. One of the main reasons I didn’t like going there was because it reminded me so strongly of Daddy.

  Fats was waiting in the lobby with Jacks. “I’d like to see Uncle Yuri and Mickey,” I said. “Are they in?”

  “Sure, kid,” Fats said. “They’re still in the offices. Sorry, but I’ll have to frisk you before you go back there.”

  “Hope you don’t get chicken pox,” I replied as I held up my arms.

  “Had the vaccination when I was a kid,” Fats said as he ran his hands up and down my clothes. “All done. How you doing with the itching?”

  “I’ve been trying to concentrate my scratching on one or two spots. I had this theory that if I scratched the heck out of one, I’d barely even notice the others.”

  “Yeah,” said Fats. “How’s that working for you?”

  “Not great,” I admitted.

  I noticed that Jacks hadn’t said anything since I’d come in. This silence didn’t seem like him, and I was reminded of what Yuji Ono had said about Jacks being an unhealthy influence on my brother. “Hi, Jacks,” I said.

  “Nice to see you, Annie,” Jacks said.

  “So,” I said, “what happened with Leo today anyway? I heard you were with him at the time.”

  Jacks ran his fingers through his hair several times. “You know your brother better than anyone. Sometimes stuff sets him off. I think he was sad over your grandm
other so he took it out on Mickey.”

  “But why Mickey? Why not you?” I persisted. “Weren’t you closer by?”

  “Christ, Annie. I don’t know. Mickey’s an ass. Maybe he looked at Leo funny. Who the hell knows? I’m not my brother’s keeper or your brother’s either.” Jacks turned to Fats. “Is it okay if I go now? I’m starving.”

  Fats nodded. “Yeah, but I got to get back to my establishment by eight, so don’t be gone too long.”

  Jacks turned to me before he left. “Sorry if I was short with you, Annie. I’ve got a lot on my mind.”

  “Don’t mind him,” Fats said. “I think he’s got his period.” Fats pointed me toward the back. “You better get going if you want to talk to Mickey and Yuri.”

  Yuri’s office was in the heart of the locker room. The whole front of the office was a glass window. This window in combination with a large convex mirror in the upper corner of the wall made it easy to see who was coming or going no matter where you stood in the office. Consequently, I didn’t have to knock on the door. I was just waved in.

  “Annie,” Uncle Yuri said, rising to greet me. “Good to see you. We missed you at Galina’s wake today. But I can see from your face that you are still unwell.”

  “I’m mainly better,” I assured him. I kissed him on both of his cheeks because that was the protocol.

  “Hello, Anya,” Mickey said. Mickey was lurking in the corner of the room. I could see that he had a light bruise on his cheek. What he had done to Leo had been much more severe.

  “You should be in bed,” Uncle Yuri said. “What takes you from your bed, little Annie?”

  “I’m here to apologize for my brother,” I said. “Leo doesn’t always think before he acts. I believe he was just emotional from the wake.”

  “Don’t trouble yourself, child,” Uncle Yuri said. “We know that Leo is”—he looked for a word—“sensitive, but we love him here.”

  I looked over at Mickey to see if he felt the same way. “I want you to know that I didn’t do anything to provoke him,” Mickey said. “And I feel awful about hitting someone”—now it was Mickey’s turn to search for a euphemism for my brother—“like him. It’s below me.”