All These Things I've Done

  “So?” I asked.

  “So, pfft,” she said.

  “Pfft?”

  “Pfft. Jacks is family. Leo is without a job. Family takes care of family. Pfft.”

  “But, Leo—”

  “But nothing! Not everything is conspiracy. I used to always have to say that to your father, too.”

  I decided not to point out the obvious—that Daddy had been right to be paranoid. He’d been shot to death in his own home.

  Nana continued. “It’s nice that anyone’s taking an interest in your brother. Because from the Family’s point of view, your brother is a muzhik, a nothing. He’s like a woman or a child. No one would bother with him.”

  And yet Jacks was bothering with him for some reason.

  “Anya! I can see your furrowed brow. I only meant no one will shoot your brother or get him in any kind of trouble. It wouldn’t be honorable. These men at the Pool used to be your father’s captains and foot soldiers. And one of the best things about your father, God rest his soul, was that he took care of people. They loved your father, and they respected him in life, and they do what they can to honor him in death. This is the reason Jacks finds a job for your brother. You do understand that, don’t you?”

  I unfurrowed my brow.

  “Good girl,” she said, patting me on the hand.

  “Maybe I should go talk to Jacks at least?” I suggested. “Make sure everything’s aboveboard.”

  Nana shook her head. “Let it be. If you go down there, it will only humiliate Leo. He will lose face in front of the other men. And besides, Pirozhki himself is a nobody, and no threat to anybody.”

  She had a point. “I’ll tell Leo at dinner that you said he should take the job,” I said.

  Nana shook her head. “In two years, you’ll be in college and I’ll be—”

  “Don’t say it!” I yelled.

  “Fine, my dear, have it your way. I’ll be elsewhere. My point is, isn’t it best that you let Leo come to some decisions on his own, Anyaschka? Let him be a man, my darling. Give him that gift.”

  As a peace offering, I made macaroni and cheese for the second time that week. I told Natty to go get Leo, but he wouldn’t come to dinner. I brought the bowl to Leo’s door. “Leo, you should eat,” I said.

  “Are you mad?” he whispered. I could barely hear him through the wood.

  “No, I’m not mad. I’m never mad at you. I was just worried before.”

  Leo opened the door a crack. “I’m sorry,” he said. His eyes filled with tears. “I pushed you.”

  I nodded. “It’s okay. It wasn’t very hard.”

  Leo’s mouth and eyes clenched shut in an effort to stop himself from crying. I stood on my tiptoes so that I could stroke his back. “Look, I brought you macaroni.”

  He smiled a little. I handed him the bowl, and he started scooping the yellow tubes into his mouth. “I won’t go work at the Pool if you don’t want me to.”

  “The truth is, I can’t stop you, Leo,” I said, somewhat ignoring Nana’s advice. “But once the clinic reopens, I think you should work there again. They need you. And—”

  He hugged me while holding the bowl, and a few macaroni tubes fell to the floor.

  “And if anyone at the Pool makes you uncomfortable, you should quit.”

  “I promise,” he said. He set the bowl on the floor, picked me up, and spun me around the way our father used to.

  “Leo! Put me down!” I was laughing so he spun me around a couple more times.

  “Let’s go out tonight! You and me and Natty,” he said. “You don’t have school tomorrow, and I’ve got vouchers so we can get ice cream.”

  I told him that I wished I could but that I was supposed to go out with Scarlet.

  “I love Scarlet,” Leo said. “She can come, too.”

  “It’s not that kind of thing, Leo. We’re going to Little Egypt.”

  “I like Little Egypt,” Leo insisted.

  “No, you don’t. The one time you went, you said how noisy it was. You got a migraine and had to leave after five minutes.” This was the truth—the head trauma had left Leo quite sensitive to noise.

  “That was a long time ago,” Leo insisted. “I’m better now.”

  I shook my head. “Sorry, Leo. Not tonight. Just Scarlet and me.”

  “You never want me to go anywhere with you anymore! I …” Jesus, Leo was on the verge of tears again. He turned to look out the window. “You’re ashamed of me.”

  “No, Leo. It’s not that.” I put my hand on his shoulder, but he shrugged it off. Maybe he was right. Maybe it was a little bit that. But only a very little bit. Mainly, I just didn’t think I could manage babysitting my brother in a crowded nightclub and hooking up Scarlet and Win at the same time. “Scarlet’s got this guy she likes, and you shouldn’t be mad at me because I barely even want to go to that stupid place myself,” I explained.

  Leo was silent.

  “You’re killing me here. Trust me, I’d much rather be spending the night with you and Natty.” This much was true. “Can’t I please have a rain check?”

  He turned his head and gazed at me with eyes as dull as his stuffed lion’s plastic ones. “Sure, Annie,” he said. “Another time.”

  IV.

  i go to little egypt

  AS I STOOD IN FRONT of the mirror readying myself for the evening, my thoughts kept returning to Leo and how I might have handled things better. I picked up my tweezers and plucked a stray hair from my eyebrow.

  The doorbell rang. Natty called, “I’ll get it!”

  “Thanks! It’s only Scarlet!” Scarlet and I had agreed that she would arrive a half hour before Win so that we could, I don’t know, strategize or something. “Tell her to come in the bathroom. I’m just plucking my brows.”

  “Don’t overpluck, Annie!” Natty scolded. “You always overpluck.”

  I heard her run down the hallway to the door. “Annie says to go in the bathroom,” Natty said as she opened the front door. “Oh, you’re not Scarlet.”

  A male voice laughed. “Should I go in the bathroom anyway?” Win asked. “Seeing as she’s only plucking her eyebrows.”

  I tightened my bathrobe around my waist and went out to our foyer, where Natty the flirt had already appropriated Win’s hat. “You’re early,” I accused him.

  “Great building,” he said casually, as if he hadn’t even noticed that I was annoyed. “The marble staircase in the lobby. The gargoyles out front. A bit spooky, but it’s got a ton of character.”

  “Right,” I said. “So, you were supposed to be here at eight o’clock.”

  “I must have gotten the time wrong. A million apologies.” He bowed a tiny amount.

  I don’t like when plans change. “Well, I’m not ready yet, so what am I supposed to do with you now?”

  “I’ll take care of him,” Natty volunteered. I looked over at my sister. Win’s hat was kind of cute on her. It was a darker, sturdier fabric than the one he wore at school. Other than that, he was still wearing what he’d worn earlier in the day—that is to say, his school uniform—though he’d rolled up the sleeves of his dress shirt.

  “Different hat,” I observed.

  “Yes, Anya. That would be my evening hat.” He said this in a sort of self-deprecating way, but he leaned a bit toward me when he said it. His scent was woodsy and clean.

  “All right, Natty,” I said. “You may as well offer the early bird a drink.” I turned to go back to my bedroom.

  “Your eyebrows look great, by the way,” he called. “At their current level, I mean.”

  The doorbell rang. Scarlet.

  “Seems everyone’s early tonight,” Win commented.

  “No,” Natty volunteered. “Scarlet was supposed to get here early.”

  “Really?” Win asked. “Now, this is interesting.”

  I ignored him and turned to answer the door.

  Scarlet kissed me lightly on the cheek so as not to leave a lipstick trace. Her outfit was classic Scarl
et: a black lace corset and men’s wool pants and a ton of her signature red lipstick. She had also somehow managed to procure a single white lily for her blond hair.

  “That flower smells amazing,” I told her, and then I whispered, “He’s already here. He got the time wrong or something.”

  “Oh, that is so incredibly annoying,” Scarlet said. She stowed her overnight bag in the foyer closet, then put on a smile and went into the living room. “Hi, Win! Love the hat, Natty.”

  I went to my bedroom to find something to wear other than my old bathrobe. Nana once told me that, in her day, the way we dressed was called vintage. New clothing production had all but ceased a decade ago, and a sartorial concoction like Scarlet’s required a lot of effort and planning. Unlike my best friend, I hadn’t put any thought into my outfit for that evening. I threw on an old dress of my mother’s—red jersey, short and swingy but with a modest neckline. It had a hole in the armpit but I wasn’t planning on doing a lot of hand-raising anyway. On my way back to the living room, I knocked on Leo’s door to say good night and to make sure there weren’t any hard feelings between us. He didn’t answer so I pushed it open slightly. The lights were out, and he was buried under the covers. I gently closed the door behind me and went to join my friends.

  “Oh,” Natty said when she saw me, “you look pretty!”

  Scarlet whistled at me, and Win saluted.

  “Knock it off. You guys are embarrassing me,” I said, though, if I’m totally honest, I did enjoy their compliments. “We may as well go to Little Egypt now.”

  Win removed his hat from my sister’s head and we were on our way.

  It was only a five-minute walk to the club but it took twice as long because of Scarlet’s shoes, which were stilettos and not necessarily the greatest for walking. By the time we got to Little Egypt, the line to get in extended past the long flight of marble steps that led into the building. Little Egypt was pretty much the only thing going in this part of town.

  Scarlet flagged down the bouncer. “Can my friends and I please go in? Pretty please.”

  “What’ll you give me if I let you, blondie?” the bouncer wanted to know.

  “My undying gratitude,” Scarlet replied.

  “Back of the line,” he said. We had just started walking down the stairs when the bouncer called, “Hey, you! Red dress.” I turned. “Annie, right?”

  I made a face. “Who wants to know?”

  “Nah, it’s not like that. I used to work for your pops. Good man.” He unhooked the velvet rope, waved the three of us inside, then reached into his pocket and thrust a bunch of drink tickets at me. “Toast to the old man, okay?”

  I nodded. “Thanks.” This sort of thing happened pretty often, but it was still nice. Daddy had had a lot of enemies but even more friends.

  “Be careful in there,” the bouncer warned. “It’s crazy tonight.”

  The bar was below a sign that said INFORMATION. Another sign, bolted to the front of the counter, listed admission prices from back when Little Egypt used to be a museum. We traded in our tickets for beers. There was only one kind and it wasn’t particularly savory: a fizzy, amber pond scum. Why would someone ruin perfectly good water for this? “Bottoms up,” Scarlet said.

  “What’s that phrase mean exactly?” Win asked.

  Scarlet shook her head. “You ask a lot of questions,” she said. She took his hat off his head and placed it on her own. I felt sad for Scarlet because she was using the same move my little sister had.

  I took a sip of my beer and in my head, I toasted Daddy. Nana said that kids used to get in trouble for drinking when she was young and teen drinking had been illegal. Now you could get alcohol at any age as long as the person supplying it had the right permits—it was no harder to come by than ice cream and significantly less hard than getting, say, a ream of paper. It seemed incredibly strange to imagine that people had ever cared so much about alcohol. Maybe the illegality had been the enticement, I don’t know. I’d rather have water any day. Alcohol made me fuzzy when my lifestyle required me to be sharp.

  We left the bar and headed to the dance floor. The music was appropriately deafening and someone had brought in strobe lights, but you could still feel that the original intent of this place hadn’t been nightclub. Even packed with a thousand people, all the stone made it incongruously cool inside. There were marble pedestals everywhere and girls in underwear-like clothing were dancing atop them. If you walked a bit farther, you came upon a shallow, intricately tiled pool that was roughly the size of a ballroom, and a mosaic fountain under a mural depicting a bucolic villa by the water. Both the pool and the fountain were, of course, completely drained and badly in need of a renovation that I knew would not be forthcoming. For a second, I closed my eyes and tried to imagine what it must have looked like when it was a museum. At some point, I became aware of Win standing next to me. His gaze was fixed on the mural and I wondered if we were thinking the same thing.

  “Stop daydreaming, you two,” Scarlet yelled. “There’s dancing to be done!” She grabbed my hand, then Win’s, and pulled us into the middle of the dance floor.

  Scarlet danced next to me for a while and then she danced over to Win. I sort of danced by myself (making sure to keep my arms down so as not to reveal the hole in my dress or inadvertently make it larger) and observed Scarlet and Win. Scarlet was quite a good dancer. Win, uh, wasn’t. He hopped around like an insect or something. His moves were comical.

  He hopped over to me. “Are you laughing at me?” he said, leaning down to my ear. The music was so loud he needed to do this in order to be heard.

  “No, I swear.” I paused. “I’m laughing with you.”

  “But I’m not laughing,” he said, and then he was laughing. “Notice you don’t move your arms much yourself.”

  “You found me out,” I said. I held up my arm. As I did this, I became aware of a person across the dance floor, a person who shouldn’t have been there at all. Leo.

  “Jesus Christ,” I muttered. I turned to Scarlet. “Leo’s here. I have to go deal with him. You’ll be okay?”

  She squeezed my hand. “Go,” she said.

  As I pushed my way through the undulating bodies, I told myself to calm down, act casual, and try not to make a scene.

  When I finally got to Leo, he was surrounded by a group of sleazy girls, all older than me. I wasn’t shocked. Leo was good-looking and on the rare occasions he went out, usually had a full wallet—he couldn’t help but attract this sort of thing. If he couldn’t always keep up his end of the conversation, well, I guess a certain kind of girl wouldn’t notice that or even care if she did.

  I wedged my way between Leo and one of the skanks. “Hey!” she yelled. “Wait your turn.”

  “He’s my brother!” I yelled back.

  “Hi, Annie,” Leo said, as if it were the most natural thing in the world that we should run into each other.

  “Hi, yourself,” I said. “Thought you were staying in tonight.”

  “I was,” he admitted. “But right after you left, Jacks stopped by and said we should go out.”

  “Jacks is here?” I asked, thinking it might be a good time to have a word with my increasingly present, increasingly annoying cousin.

  “Yeah.” Leo pointed to the edge of the pool, where Jacks was sitting with an oddly tanned redhead who seemed to be laughing at everything he said. Cousin Jacks always had a pretty girl by his side, and in general, women seemed to find him attractive, though I personally didn’t get his appeal. He was short and very slim. His legs were too long for his torso. Before Jacks’s mother became a prostitute, back when dancing was something people could do for a living, she had been a professional ballerina, and I suppose Jacks took after her. Jacks’s eyes were green like mine, except his were always darting around the room to see if there was someone better he could be talking to. He had letters tattooed on his knuckles that read VORY V ZAKONE, which I knew translated to “thieves in law.”

  I looked at
my brother. He was sweating a bit, and I wondered if his head was hurting him as it sometimes did in noisy places, or if I was being overly protective and he was just hot from dancing. “Leo, are you feeling okay?” I asked.

  “I’m fine,” he said.

  “Don’t worry, baby sister,” one of the sleazy girls said to me. “We’ll take care of your brother.” She laughed and took Leo by the hand.

  I ignored her and said to Leo, “I’m going to talk to Jacks and then I’m going home. Walk me back, okay?”

  Leo nodded.

  “I’ll come find you when I’m done with Jacks,” I told him.

  On the steps of the pool, Jacks was busy groping the redheaded girl. She didn’t seem to mind.

  “Why, if it isn’t Little Orphan Annie Balanchine all grown up!” Jacks greeted me. He slapped the redhead’s thigh, then waved her away with a flick of his wrist. She didn’t even have the dignity to look offended. Jacks stood up and kissed me on the cheek. I kissed him on his cheek but I didn’t let my lips make contact with his flesh. “It’s good to see you, Annie.”

  “Yes,” I said.

  “How long has it been?”

  I shrugged, but I knew exactly how long it had been. “So, I suppose I should be thanking you for helping with Leo’s work situation,” I said.

  Jacks waved his hand. “Leo’s a good kid, and you know I’d do anything for your daddy. Don’t mention it.”

  I looked Jacks in the eyes. “I have to mention it, cousin, because it wouldn’t be right to accept such a favor without knowing what the giver expects in return.”

  Jacks laughed and took a swig from a silver flask that he kept in his pants pocket. He offered some to me, but I declined. “You’re paranoid, kid. Not sure I blame you considering what your upbringing’s been like.”

  “Daddy told me that he didn’t want Leo working in the family business in any capacity,” I said. (Maybe those hadn’t been Daddy’s exact words but I felt confident that was what he would have wanted.)

  Jacks took a moment to consider this information. “Big Leo’s been gone a long time, Annie. Maybe he didn’t know what your brother’s abilities were when he made such a pronouncement.”