One: Missing
The hall is filled with laughter as I pick pieces of food from my red hair. The student body watched as my entire locker exploded in a food bomb the second I opened it. I should have expected it, seen it coming. I should’ve learned to stop using my locker a long time ago considering how many pranks it’s been used for.
I try to wipe the food out but my hand comes away yellow, covered in mustard. I clutch my school books to my chest and continue walking but I keep my head held high. Their words can’t hurt me if I don’t let them. At least, that’s what I tell myself to keep from crying.
It’s the normal for me. Every day is the same battle as I push through the throngs, walk past the jocks and cheerleaders. Even the nerds have gone to calling me names. I rush into the bathroom and stick my head in one of the sinks to try to wash out as much mustard as possible.
It isn’t just my hair that’s a mess. Ketchup and mustard cover my shirt as well. Pickles almost the color of my eyes fall to the floor as I shake my head and keep the tears buried inside.
I don’t understand what I ever did to deserve their hate. Then again, there’s a lot I don’t understand. Like, why do I put up with it? Why is it fun for these kids to hurt me? Why don’t I belong here? I wish I had an answer to any of these things.
I take one last look at myself in the mirror. My once-white shirt is now a collage of condiments. With a sigh, I peek out the bathroom door, looking back and forth in hopes that the halls are clear. They are.
I dart toward class, still wishing someone had an answer. My mother, my father—they can’t tell me either. I turn the corner and take a deep breath before I push through the final bubble of giggling teenagers to enter my classroom.
Ms. Salazar is already at the chalkboard writing today’s English assignments when I step inside the room. But she won’t call me out—she wouldn’t even punish me if I walked in after the bell has gone off.
She sees the way I’m treated by my fellow students. She knows I don’t fit in here and she feels bad for me. She wishes she could make them see me the way I should be seen—as a human being with a heart and feelings.
The pity in her eyes is evident when she looks at me. I hate it. Hate that she does nothing about it. Then again, I hate myself for the same reason. At least we both agree on one thing—I don’t fit in here. I never have, I never will. I’m not like those around me.
I sink down in my chair and bury my nose in my books, just as I do in every class. Some of the teachers are stricter but Ms. Salazar doesn’t care that I don’t pay attention to the lesson. She knows I already know all of it. That’s what happens when you have no friends—you get ahead in school because it’s all you have.
That, and daydreams of being someone I’m not. I pretend all the stories are real, that I’m a dragon rider, a zombie slayer. I pretend to be the princess who saves herself, the cool girl who’s really a geek. I pretend I’m anyone but me.
I can feel the voice about to call me. My head spins, my eyes water, and I feel a tug. Come home, child. Your time is near. We need you here. Please, Shanice.
“Ms. Tetreault, are you all right?” Ms. Salazar asks. She must’ve seen the look on my face. I grow dizzy and feel faint every time the voice speaks to me.
I sit up straighter, my heart pounding. The woman’s voice, continually telling me I should come home. I don’t know who this voice belongs to—I don’t know where home is, if not the house I live in. All I know is that this is another reason the people around me think I’m crazy.
“I’m fine.” I nod and look away, embarrassed once more.
Ms. Salazar glances at the clock on the wall. Almost a half an hour before class ends. “I think we will let out early today. You are all free to go,” she says while still watching me. I have a feeling she doesn’t believe me at all. I begin gathering my books, carefully arranging them in my backpack.
“Are the voices talking to you again? Maybe it’s a ghost,” a classmate says as she walks by, waving her arms and making ghost-like sounds. I shrug it off, not allowing my emotions to be free. If they saw me crying, matters would only become worse. Not that it gets much worse—I’m currently covered in the makings of an epic hot dog and some other gooeyness I don’t want to identify.
“Shanice, might I have a word with you?” Ms. Salazar walks closer to my desk as the last of the students leave. From the way she abruptly ended class, I already figured she wanted to speak with me. I took my time in gathering my belongings to avoid more taunting from the other students, yes. But I didn’t even bother to stand.
“Of course.” I try my best to give her a convincing smile but the face I make wouldn’t even convince me.
“You know you can report their bullying, right? Why do you allow them to harass you endlessly?” She touches my shoulder, wanting to connect with me, show me that someone cares. “It isn’t right and they should be stopped.”
I bite back the words I was so ready to say, feeling the tears coming with them. Instead, I blink, making sure no tears will escape. “They cannot hurt me if I don’t let them. I ignore them and I make do.” I wanted to say it with conviction but my words were barely audible.
“Shanice, you shouldn’t have to simply ‘make do’. You deserve to walk among your classmates, known to them as their equal. I hear what they call you.”
I avert my eyes. “Thank you.” I stand. “I need to go.” I want to smile, but can’t. Considering we were let out early, she knows I don’t need to go anywhere but she just nods, also unable to offer a smile. I throw my bag over my shoulder and shuffle from the room.
The silent whispers that call to me echo around me, stopping me mid-footstep. I look around, frantic to find the source, to know what it is I am hearing. To know that I am not crazy. My shoulders slump. Perhaps I am crazy.
I feel so lost standing in the hall, people flowing past me as if I don’t exist. And when they do see me, their glares are all I see, their taunts all I hear. I do my best to tune them out and listen to the voices that truly haunt me.
Shanice, please, Shanice! We need you. Come home.
I shake my head and push my way through the throng of students. I can’t handle any more today. Mondays are never good but today is especially horrible. My heart pounds and I can’t catch my breath. I sway, the hallway looks like its spinning. I close my eyes and try to clear my head. When the swaying stops I take a slow steady step forward. When I don’t fall over and I’m not going in circles I push my way past more groups until I reach the nurse’s office.
“What do you need?” the nurse asks, annoyed without looking up.
“I’m not feeling well and I need to go home.”
She looks up now. Her eyes soften. “Of course.” Like with the teachers, she treats me as if I were different—fragile. Perhaps I am, in the crazy kind of way. Perhaps something is wrong with me and I’m the only one who doesn’t know it.
The nurse releases me without asking further questions. I’m grateful for the easy pass right now.
I pull my hoodie on and head toward the road. It’s a slow, long walk through three miles of neighborhoods but I’m used to it by now. This isn’t the first time I’ve left school midday. I consider going home but that’s not where I’m most comfortable. It’s not really where I want to be. Instead I turn towards the stables – a half a mile away.
The voice, the haunting chill it leaves over me, isn’t new to me at all. I’ve been hearing that voice for as long as I can remember. I don’t talk about it, I try to pretend the voice isn’t there. What I really want is to figure out why I hear it. Why me? What does it want?
But how can I appease a voice that doesn’t exist? I don’t dare tell those around me about them anymore. Long ago, I promised they had left. My mother was the one to disbelieve me the most. She asks every day now if I’ve heard them again.
And every day, I lie. If I tell her the truth, what will happen? She can’t make them go away. She will believe I’m cr
azy, that I belong in a mental institution. I’m already bullied far too much. What would happen if I was taken to a mental hospital?
I shake my head, willing myself to think of something happier, hoping for an explanation soon. Somehow, one day. For now, I just have to survive each day—pretend everything is all right, that I’m normal. I bite my lower lip so hard I think it might bleed trying holding back all the tears ready to fall.
But it doesn’t do anything but hurt my lip. I wipe them away before anyone sees and continue walking the dirt road toward the stables. I need to find peace and riding is something that helps with that. It’s something I’m good at—something that’s my own. It’s a freedom unlike any other. I want to waltz through the stable doors as if I own the place. Still in pain and hurt from the torment, I simply grudgingly walk in.
Star greets me with as much excitement a horse can. She’s beautiful—a dark bay with a pure white star on her forehead. It wasn’t hard naming her when my parents gave her to me a year ago.
Though our friendship started off a bit rough, Star’s never let me down. And only one human being comes close to that—Valentino. I find myself smiling as he walks in.
“I didn’t expect to see you so early today.” He returns the smile, casually approaching me, his hands tucked in his pockets. His curly black hair falls over his forehead, almost hiding his dark green eyes.
I never have to try to be something I’m not with him. He doesn’t judge me, he doesn’t bully me—he’s my friend It’s so nice to have one person I can count on.
I begin brushing Star’s mane. “I had to cut school short today.” I avert my eyes, embarrassed that I couldn’t handle the bullies. Ashamed that I can’t stand up for myself or tell anyone what’s going on.
“It isn’t fair that you have to hide to be safe. Why don’t you fight back, Shanice?” He brushes a strand of hair from my shoulder on his way to the saddles. Heat rises in my cheeks. I don’t know if I’m just a friend to him, but he means so much more to me.
“I can’t. They don’t care about me and they will torture me with anything and everything they can. If I fight back, I’m sure they’ll find some way to use it against me. And right now, that isn’t something I can handle. I just . . . I just want this all to be over. I’ll survive high school and move on. Go to college and find people who care about me, people who understand me.”
“I care about you,” he whispers. “I understand you. It’s their loss that they choose to be jerks rather than befriend you.” He saddles Star and gives me a boost so I can mount. Not that I need the boost at five foot five but it doesn’t stop me from letting him help.
“I know.” I look down at him. I want to say more but instead, I attempt a smile. It barely qualifies but he pretends not to notice.
“Come on.” He smiles back before saddling his own horse. While I wait for him to mount, I braid my hair back so it stays out of my face.
Most of the time I prefer it to fly free, the wind rushing through it. But now I just want to run. Nothing can hinder me, nothing in my way, just freedom of running wild and no one to stop me. As soon as Valentino is mounted, I smirk.
“I’ll race you to the broken gate!” I laugh, not bothering to wait for a reply. He’ll race me just as he always does, always has, and always will when I challenge him.
I think about the first time we raced, the first time we rode, the moment we met. It was a day just like this one. A slight breeze, the sun playing hide and seek behind clouds. He greeted me like a proper gentleman, as if I were a lady. He smiled, showing two dimples. His eyes shining. His smile was unstoppable and very contagious. We went for a twenty minute ride to see if riding was for me. An hour later I still wasn’t ready to leave.
My parents put me into fencing and archery—I wondered if they thought we were still in medieval times. But when they offered me horseback riding lessons last year, I couldn’t resist.
Turns out it’s the biggest blessing in my life. Had I turned it down, I wouldn’t have Valentino. How lonely it would all be without him. He doesn’t even realize how much he means to me. He’s my knight in shining armor, and he doesn’t even know it.
Star begins to whine as we get closer to the gate. I pat her neck, unsure what the problem is. The gate isn’t menacing. I don’t know if anyone else knows about it but I’ve never seen it used. It’s old and rusty, crumbling in decay. I’m amazed it still stands, so I can’t imagine it actually works anymore. It would have to be broken down, which wouldn’t be hard.
Star calms down again, so I continue forward. I sigh and laugh out loud, now only ten steps away from it. Valentino isn’t in sight, which means Star and I have won.
I dismount and walk around Star, wanting to see if there is anything beyond this rotting gate. A tall stone wall holds it up, only a piece visible due to all the greenery covering it. It appears that the other side of the gate is exactly the same—simply forest. I’m so curious as to what lies behind there, why this gate is here. Surely someone knows. I lift my hand and edge closer to touch the rusted iron flowers and vines that intertwine through the gate.
“Don’t!” The silence broken by his panicked scream, I turn around, startled out of my wits. “Don’t touch the gate.” Valentino rushes toward me, jumping from his horse and grabbing my hand, which is frozen in midair.
“What’s wrong? I was just looking.” I tilt my head, confused as to why he is so protective of it.
“Just don’t touch it, all right? It’s said to be haunted, and I would hate for you to get cursed.” He smiles wide, laughing it off as a joke. But his eyes remain serious. I know he’s lying—I just don’t understand why.
I brush it off. He doesn’t want to talk about it—that’s fine. It doesn’t mean I’m not curious about it. I take one last fleeting glance at the gate before turning my full attention back to him. “You lost the race. Now you have to clean Star’s stall for a week.” I punch his arm lightly.
“We never agreed to that.” He folds his arms across his chest.
“You know the winner gets to choose the loser’s punishment.” I wink, spinning on my heel and putting my foot in the stirrup before throwing my other leg over Star’s back. I expect Valentino to follow my lead and mount but he doesn’t. Instead, he fidgets with his hands.
I bite my lower lip, unsure what he’s doing. “Valentino,” I begin. But he cuts me off.
“Would you—” He starts. I’m ready to hang on his every word, hoping he asks the one thing I’ve been desperate for someone to ask me. But instead, he shakes his head and mounts Knight, his dapple horse.
“Yes?” I raise an eyebrow and wait for him to say it.
“Never mind.” He turns to ride down the path I came.
I try to hide my frustration but I can’t hold in the sigh. Just as I do, a gush of wind bursts through the trees. It startles the horses, sending Star and Knight pulling to leave as fast as possible. Valentino tenses and looks at me wide-eyed.
I look to the sky. All I see are trees. I didn’t know gusts of wind could go through a forest like that. And for how calm the weather has been, it’s out of place. “Are you feeling all right?” Valentino watches me with concern. He squints, a frown on his lips.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Why?” I look to him before taking in our surroundings. That one gust of wind was out of the ordinary but it didn’t hurt me.
“We should be getting back,” he says, but then he doesn’t move either. I’m so confused—frustrated and crushed at his inability to ask his question. I nod and allow him to lead the way. He takes a longer path than I did before.
Neither one of us say a thing as we ride toward the stables. Every break I can find in the foliage above, I look up. I realize the sky has turned from clear blue to stormy gray.
But the closer we get to the stables, it looks like the downpour isn’t going to happen. The clouds part and reveal blue skies again.
We arrive to the stables far too soon. I t
hink about what Valentino said. I think I would’ve preferred he say nothing at all. We were having so much fun. I don’t know why he feels he can’t ask me what we both know he was going to ask. I just wish he would figure it out.
As soon as I’ve brushed Star and given her food and water, I grab my backpack from its hook and head to the door. “I’d better get home.” I walk out the door, not bothering to wait for a reply. I don’t even wait to see if he heard me.
I just walk, my bag slung over one shoulder. On days like this, I wish my parents would allow me to have a car. Or borrow a car. I’d even settle for allowing me to drive a car. But they believe walking is far better for me. They are the most anti-tech people I know.
I just wish I had a quick escape.
“Shanice! Wait!” I look back, already a block from the stables, and there’s Valentino. He’s rushing after me, his jacket slung over his shoulder as if he was in such a hurry to catch up to me that he didn’t have time to put it on. It makes me smile, considering how chilly it is.
I stop walking while he runs the last few feet. Once we’re standing face-to-face, all is silent but the cool breeze. I don’t know what to say, and it appears neither does he. A shiver crawls up my spine as I wait, agonized by the awkward silence.
“Here.” He puts the jacket over my shoulders rather than his own. “May I walk you home?” I mentally take back everything I just thought about having a quick escape.
We walk side by side, close enough that we continue to bump into each other. Neither of us takes a step away. I almost grab his hand but with the way he wouldn’t finish his question earlier, I decide against it. No need to go and ruin yet another perfect moment.
Now I just wish it took longer to get from the stables to my house. “You did well today. Star has grown fond of you. I remember a time she wasn’t always so fond of you.” Valentino bumps my shoulder.
I have to laugh with him. I look into his eyes. The smirk on his face is heart-melting. “I knew I would win her over. I always do.” My foot catches on something and I lurch forward. His muscular arm wraps around my waist, spins me around, and puts me back on my feet.
“Thank you.” I look away, embarrassed. He doesn’t let go immediately but he nods and continues on as if nothing happened. “Well, I’m glad you’ve won her over. Things would be far more difficult if she didn’t like you.”
I raise my eyebrows in question but not wanting to make the same mistake twice, I decide facing him while walking isn’t the best idea. “What do you mean?”
He makes a sweeping gesture with his arm. “We have arrived. I bid thee farewell and good night, milady.” He bows and kisses my hand before leaving me on my front porch, still wearing his jacket, still confused. I watch him walk away, hands in his pockets, whistling with the wind in a cheery tune.
I shake off the feeling of confusion that overtakes me and go inside. The first thing I do is take his jacket to my room and hang it up so I can return it tomorrow. I dump my bag on my bed and go in search of supper.
“Hey, sweetie. You’re home early.” My mother greets me as I walk through the kitchen door. She plants a kiss on either cheek before going back to cooking. I take in her food - stained apron, the way her brunette hair is pulled into a bun on her head. I touch the ends of my own hair, boggled at how both my parents’ hair is brown while mine is the brightest coppery red. “I had to leave school early, so I went to the stables and rode with Valentino,” I state calmly, matter-of-fact-like.
“Did you have a good lesson?” My father sets down his newspaper on the dining room table and looks at me, waiting for an answer. I feel like I’m in an old TV show. The whole setting is right for it.
“Valentino says I’ve improved.” Though I’m not sure on what. “And Star is completely relaxed with me now.” I don’t mention the odd happening at the gate as I sit down across from my father and my mother sets three plates on the table. I think of the first time I rode Star. She was most definitely not relaxed. She wasn’t nervous, just antsy, always moving. She never wanted to slow down. It terrified me.
“That’s wonderful! And what about school?” Mom asks, a grin spread ear to ear on her face, not a freckle in sight on her skin—whereas my cheeks and nose are dotted with them. I want to pretend school never happened. Will never happen again.
“I had to leave early today.” I’m so sick of those words but it’s all I have to say. They never ask me what excuse I used or how early I left. They know I only leave early when the taunting becomes too unbearable. Or when the voices become louder.
Oh, the voices. As far as I can tell, most parents would have their kids locked up in loony bins if they said they were hearing voices. But not my parents. They hate it but they accept it.
If I said I thought they were ghosts, my parents would nod in agreement. If I said they were spirits watching over me, my parents would agree. If I told them they were trying to steal me away and take me who-knows-where, my parents would agree.
I don’t understand it. I don’t understand any of my life. It just doesn’t make sense.
“So, any big plans for your birthday?” my father asks, interrupting my current train of thought. And as much as most kids love their birthdays, that’s another sore spot for me.
“Not really. I have school that day, and an extra lesson with Valentino.” I wish I could say I was having a party or going out with friends. But in this case, I’m having a horseback riding lesson with my one and only friend and nothing else. And while I’m actually pretty happy with that, I still wish I had more.
“We thought perhaps the three of us could do something. You know, go out to eat? Maybe go shopping? We could even see a movie!” My mother almost bounces in her seat in excitement talking about it.
Shopping, dinner, a movie—I’m a little lost. This is coming from the woman who believes all technology is evil, spending money on things you don’t need is pointless, and why would you ever pay for an already made meal when you can make one yourself? – Though technically my dad does the cooking.
“Mom, you really don’t have to do that. We could just stay in.” I like the sound of that so much better.
“Actually, your mother and I want to take you out. You’re growing up fast and we’ll only have a few chances to really spend time with you before you’re all grown up and leaving us.” My father pats my hand and smiles. I swear there are tears in his eyes.
Maybe I am being locked up. Perhaps they realized that hearing voices really isn’t normal. Either way, I’m going into panic mode.
“Dad, where would I be going? I’m not leaving you guys right away. And when I do go to college, I’ll probably stay close by anyway.” I offer my two cents in hopes of prying more information out of them.
“Oh, no. We just want to make sure you have a grand birthday before you’re grown up and it’s too late. Let us give you the royal . . .” Her voice catches. “. . . treatment for your birthday just this once, please?” She widens her eyes, tears glossing them over.
“I would love that. Thank you.” I can tell by both of their expressions that I’m really not going to get out of this. They want to treat me royally, and there’s nothing I can do or say to change their minds. They are right, though. I’ll be seventeen. One year of high school left and then I’m off to college.
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Missing Royal
Copyright © 2014, Konstanz Silverbow
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