The Return of the Black Widowers

  Parris looked up and said, "For the record, there are six of you at the table and I believe you are the six whose names I have read off. Are there any discrepancies?"

  Gonzalo said, "There is a seventh member. Henry, our waiter, is the best Black Widower of them all."

  Halsted said, "He wasn't a member in Ralph's day. Hell, I can't believe he's dead. Do you remember that time he asked us to find a common English word that contained the letters 'ufa' in that order? It kept us quiet all that evening." "Yes," said Drake, "and it was you who got it. That's why you remember."

  Rubin said, "Quiet!" His straggly beard bristled. "I demand silence. The will hasn't been read yet. What does Ralph mean that one of us will get the money? Why only one and which one?"

  Parris cleared his throat. "I don't know. It is at this point I have been instructed to open a small envelope labeled, 'One.' Here it is."

  "Well, don't open it just yet," said Rubin violently. "Mario, you're the host, but listen to me. If any bequest were left to the club or to the six of us in equal division, that would be all right. To leave it to only one of us would, however, create hard feelings. Let's agree, then, that whoever gets the money sets up a fund for the use of the Black Widowers as an entity."

  Gonzalo said, "I'm willing. Any arguments?"

  There was none, and Gonzalo said, "Open the envelope, Mr. Parris."

  Parris opened it, withdrew a three-by-five card, glanced at it, looked surprised, and said, "It says, 'To the barest.' "

  "What?" said Trumbull indignantly.

  Parris looked on the other side, shook his head, and said, "That's all it says. See for yourselves." The card was passed around.

  Avalon chuckled and said, "Don't you get it? He said in his note there would be a last game and this is it."

  "What kind of game?" said Gonzalo.

  Rubin snorted and said, "Not one of his good ones. Go ahead and explain, Geoff."

  Avalon looked solemn and said, "In the Greek myths, the sea nymph Thetis married the mortal Peleus, and to the wedding all the gods and goddesses were invited. The goddess of discord, Eris, was overlooked. Furious, she appeared unbidden and, into the happy throng, tossed a golden apple, then left. Hermes picked it up and noticed a small message attached. What it said was, 'To the fairest. Three goddesses at once reached for it—Hera, the queen of heaven; Athena, the goddess of wisdom; and Aphrodite, the Goddess of love and beauty. The quarrel that resulted ended in the Trojan War."

  "Exactly," said Rubin, "and I suggest we not play Ralph's game. I don't know what the hell he means by the barest, but if we start arguing about which one of us qualifies for ten thousand dollars we will end with everyone of us aggrieved, winner and losers alike, even if we put the money into a fund. Earlier, Mr. Parris said that ideologs valued victory above survival, but I don't. I don't want to see the Black Widowers come to an end over the question of who wins ten thousand dollars."

  "Hear, hear," said Gonzalo. "Even you say something sensible now and then, Manny. Lets agree that each one of us is in a six-way tie for barest, take the money, and put it into the fund."

  "Excellent," said Avalon. "I don't see that there would be any objection to that."

  Again, there was a silence, but Parris said, "I'm afraid my instructions were to allow discussion and then to open another small envelope marked 'Two.' " Gonzalo looked surprised and said, "Well, open it."

  Parris opened the second envelope, removed a folded piece of paper, and unfolded it to find a single-spaced typewritten message. He glanced over it and chuckled.

  He said, "Here is what it says: i have no doubt that Geoff Avalon, in his endearingly pedantic way, will have by now explained the connection of the message with the apple of discord at the wedding of Thetis and Peleus. ..."

  Avalon, having flushed to his hairline, said stiffly, "I have never denied that I have a touch of pedantry about me. I trust that I have never been offensively so, or if I have, that I may count on my outspoken comrades of the Black Widowers to tell me so."

  "Don't get defensive, Geoff," said Trumbull. "We're all pedants. Go on, Mr. Parris."

  Parris nodded and said," '. . . of Thetis and Peleus. It may also be that someone, possibly Manny Rubin, will suggest that the game be refused and that the money be shared. Not so! Sorry to insist, but only one person gets the money, and that person will be he who can demonstrate himself to be the barest to the satisfaction of the executor of the will. Failing that, no one of them will get the money. I dare say Geoff can explain the appropriateness of this, if he has not already done so."

  Avalon cleared his throat and looked harassed. "I don't think it's necessary I do so."

  Rubin said, "It's all right, Geoff. I'll take over. Everyone knows I'm no pedant."

  "Not bright enough," muttered Gonzalo.

  Rubin, glaring briefly at Gonzalo, said, "As Geoff said, three goddesses claimed that apple. Hermes, who had picked it up, could see at once that this was no place for an innocent god, and he absolutely declined to make a decision. One by one, the other gods also declined. After considerable discussion, someone suggested that some poor mortal be stuck with the task. The one selected was a shepherd boy on the slopes of Mount Ida near Troy.

  "The three goddesses appeared to him in all their magnificence, and each, fearing she might not win in a fair contest, attempted to bribe the judge. Hera offered him world conquest; Athena offered him the crown of wisdom; and Aphrodite offered him the most beautiful girl in the world as his wife.

  "The shepherd boy was young enough to find the third bribe the most attractive, and chose Aphrodite. Undoubtedly, she would have won in a fair contest of fairness, but it was a disastrous choice just the same. The most beautiful girl in the world was Helen, queen of Sparta, and the shepherd boy some years later carried her off with Aphrodite's help, and that started the Trojan War.

  "The shepherd boy's name was Paris, and he was one of the fifty sons of Priam, king of Troy. The decision among the goddesses is a favorite scene among artists and is commonly referred to as 'The Judgment of Paris.' Clearly, Ralph couldn't resist playing on words and setting up 'The Judgment of Parris'—two r's."

  Parris smiled and said, "I seem to have the worst of it. Instead of choosing among three glorious goddesses, I am faced with deciding among six not particularly attractive men."

  Rubin said, "You're not faced with any decision at all, actually. Ralph can't make us play the game. If the only way we can get the ten thousand dollars is to compete for it, then I suggest we let the whole thing go. Ten thousand dollars is something we can live without—we have lived without it all these years. What we can’t live without is our mutual friendship."

  Halsted looked regretful, "Well, now, we can use the money. It could defray part of the costs of the banquets. What with inflation, I, for one, am finding it difficult to cover the expenses. Since I'm the most nearly bald member of the group, can't we say I'm obviously the barest and let it go at that?"

  Gonzalo said, "We could decide that 'barest' means 'the most nearly nude.’ Then I can strip to my underwear, collect, and we'll set up the fund."

  "Oh God," said Rubin. "Look, I'd pay you ten thousand dollars, if I had it to spare, not to strip."

  Drake said dreamily, "If we were ecdysiasts, it would all be simple. A nice six-way tie."

  Parris said, "Now, gentlemen, wait. This is serious. I disapprove of wills such as this one, but I am the executor and I must treat it seriously. I don't know what Mr. Ottur means by the 'barest,' but it is undoubtedly something that is first, not obvious, and second, compelling. If one of you can demonstrate what is meant by 'barest' and then show compellingly that one or another of you is 'barest,' I will release the money. Otherwise I can't. Baldness and, for that matter, nudity, do not strike me as clever explanations of the meaning of the phrase. Try again."

  "No, we won't," said Rubin. "You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Roger, for that baldness suggestion. If you need money that badly, I'll contribute to the payment
when it's your turn to host."

  Halsted turned red and he pointed an angry finger at Rubin, "I don't need money that badly; and I wouldn't come to you for help if I were starving." Avalon said, "Well, the apple of discord is beginning to do its work, obviously. Manny is right. Let's let it go, while we're still on speaking terms."

  Halsted frowned as he passed the palm of his hand over his high forehead, but he kept quiet.

  Rubin muttered, "Sorry, Rog. I meant no offense."

  Halsted waved a briefly forgiving hand.

  Parris said, with considerably more than a trace of apology, "My instructions are that after you have had time for discussion, I am to open the small envelope marked, 'Three.' "

  Drake said softly, "How many envelopes do you have, Mr. Parris? This can go on all night."

  "This is the last envelope," said Parris.

  "Don't open it," roared Rubin. "There's nothing he can say that will change our minds."

  Parris said, "I am compelled to open and read this third message by the ethics of my profession. I can't compel you to listen, of course, so if any of you wish to leave the room, you may."

  No one did, however; not even Rubin.

  Parris opened the third envelope and this time he looked grim as he scanned the message.

  "I think you had better listen," he said. "The message reads, T think it possible that the group may decide to turn down the bequest rather than play the game. If they do so, or if they play but do not solve the riddle, I do will and bequeath the money, unconditionally, to the American Nazi Party."

  There was a unanimous wordless rumble from the Black Widowers.

  Parris nodded. "That's what it says. See for yourselves."

  "You can't do that," said Halsted.

  "I am legally compelled to do so," said Parris, "if you refuse to play the game. I am just a sluice through which the money passes. I cannot take independent action. Of course, any or all of you may contest the will, but I don't see what grounds you can possibly have—what legal grounds, that is. A man can do as he wishes with his property within certain clearly defined legal limits, and those limits don't seem to be transgressed here."

  "Then let's play the game," said Halsted. "I say I'm the barest because I'm the baldest. I don't say that to win the money, Manny; I say it to keep it out of the hands of the Nazis. Now if you'll agree to that, Mr. Parris, you can hand over the money, and we'll put it into the fund, and that's that."

  Parris hesitated. "I'd like to. I would really like to. The trouble is I can t.

  "Why not? Do you want the money to go to the Nazis?"

  "Of course not," said Parris, with some indignation, "but my only duty here is to respect the will of my client, and he wants one of you to demonstrate that he is the barest in so clever and unmistakable a way that I will be compelled to accept it and to select one of the six of you as the winner. After that, the money is the property of the winner and he is free to do with it as he wishes—keep it, divide it equally among the six of you, set up a trust fund for whatever legal purpose, or anything else."

  "Are you sure?" said Trumbull. "No more clever little notes?"

  "No more" said Parris. "The reading is complete. I must remind you now that it's a case of 'The Judgment of Parris.' You have to convince me of the validity of the solution or I have to give the money to—to— I have no choice."

  Gonzalo said, "According to Manny, Paris—the original Paris—was bribed into giving his judgment. Does that mean . . ."

  Parris said seriously, "Please don't finish that remark, Mr. Gonzalo. It will not be funny."

  Rubin said, "Then we have no choice. We have to play the game. Who's the barest?"

  Halsted says, "We can't answer that until we find out what the old b—Well, nil nisi bonum and all that. What does Ralph mean by 'barest,' if he doesn't mean baldest?"

  "He may mean 'poorest,' the person who is barest of money," said Gonzalo. "I think I'm in the running for that." "Or shortest," said Avalon, "the one who most nearly barely exists, so to speak. That's you, Manny."

  "You may have eight inches on me, Geoff," said Rubin, "but that could be eight inches of solid bone. How about the one with the smallest wardrobe, which eliminates Mario, or else the lowest IQ, which puts him right back in the running again?"

  "Gentlemen, gentlemen," interposed Parris, "none of this sounds in the least convincing. Please be serious."

  "You're right," said Rubin, "this is too serious a matter for fooling, but I hate this thing too much to be able to think clearly about it. I say we get Henry into the thing right now."

  Henry, who had been standing at the sideboard, listening attentively, now shook his head. "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but that would not be fitting. The deceased did not know of me, did not consider me a member of the club, and I do not qualify to play the game."

  "You're a member now," said Trumbull gruffly. "You may not qualify to inherit the money, but you qualify to advise us as to who may. Go on and tell us, Henry."

  Henry said, "I don't think I can, Mr. Trumbull. If I am a member of the Black Widowers, I am the only member who has never met Mr. Ottur. I do not know the cast of his thought."

  Trumbull said, "There's no mystery there. You've heard us discussing him. He was a word nut. Come on, Henry, if you didn't know Ralph, neither did he know you. He didn't know your faculty for seeing the simple things."

  Henry sighed. "I will do my best, sir. May I ask some questions? For instance, am I correct in taking it for granted that the deceased was not a Nazi sympathizer?"

  "Hell, no," said Rubin with a snort. "Quite the reverse. During the 1950s he was in trouble because some people thought his views were too leftist."

  "Then he doesn't want the money to be left to the Nazis?"

  "Of course not."

  "So he expects you to win."

  Avalon said, "He expects us to do so, but he may overestimate our abilities."

  Henry said, "Do you suppose his eagerness to have you win would extend to his giving you a hint?"

  Gonzalo said, "What kind of a hint?"

  "I'm not sure, Mr. Gonzalo, but let us see. Is Mr. Ottur's name spelled in the usual way?"

  "You mean like the animal?" said Trumbull. "O-t-t-e-r? No. It's spelled O-t-t-u-r. With a 'u.' "

  Henry said, "I believe that when the preliminary envelopes were handed out, Dr. Drake said something about Mr. Ottur's monogram."

  Drake said, "I meant this sketch on the envelope."

  "Yes. I had thought that might possibly be so. Has he always used that monogram, Dr. Drake?"

  "As long as I've known him, and that goes back a long time."

  Henry said, "I can understand the otter, which is a clear reference to Mr. Ottur's name, in a punning sort of way. May I ask if it is known whether the fish in the otter's mouth is a trout?"

  There was no reply at first, but finally Avalon said, "I don't know that I gave that any thought. It could be a trout, I suppose. Why do you ask?"

  "Only because trout, t-r-o-u-t, is an anagram of Ottur, o-t-t-u-r. The two words consist of the same letters in different arrangements. An otter holding a trout is double reference to his last name by way of a pun and an anagram. Does that fit his character?"

  "Absolutely," said Rubin. "The otter was obvious to all of us but I never thought of the trout. He never explained that, as far as I can recall, but then he never explained anything. He wanted everything worked out. But what does all this have to do with the problem facing us, Henry?"

  "It seemed to me, gentlemen, that the preliminary message was not really a necessary prelude to the will and might well have been omitted. Furthermore, I saw no point in giving each one of you an identical message. A single message read out would have done as well, as in the case of the three messages in the three envelopes that were part of the will.

  "Looking at it in that fashion," Henry went on, "it occurs to me that he was really handing out his monogram and making sure that each one of you got a good look at it, and will theref
ore perhaps think of using it as a clue to the nature of the game. The monogram is a pun and anagram on Mr. Ottur's last name. The solution to the problem facing us may rest in just that—puns and anagrams on last names."

  The six Black Widowers looked thoughtful at that, each in his own way, and finally Drake stirred.

  He said, "You know, that sounds like Ralph, and if so, let me point out that d-r-a-k-e can be rearranged into r-a-k-e-d, and a piece of ground that has been raked is bare, to say nothing of the fact that it is only one letter removed from n-a-k-e-d, which is certainly barest."

  Parris said, " 'Raked' doesn't sound compelling to me, and 'naked' is completely impermissible. I don't think we would be allowed to substitute letters."

  Rubin said, "Let me offer a pun, then. We don't have to rearrange the letters r-u-b-i-n. Just change it into two words, r-u-b i-n, 'rub in.' Cold cream, which is rubbed into the skin, appears to vanish and leave the skin bare. How about that?"

  "Even more farfetched than 'raked,' " said Parris.

  Gonzalo said, "g-o-n-z-a-l-o can be rearranged to a-z-o-l-o-n-g, which is 'a so long' in a German accent. A good-bye, in other words, and when everyone says good-bye, you're left bare of company."

  "Good God!" said Rubin.

  "I can't think of anything else," said Gonzalo defensively.

  "If we're going to misspell," said Halsted, "my name can be rearranged into s-t-e-a-1-d-h, which is a misspelling of 'stealth,' and if people steal away, the place is left bare."

  "Worse and worse," said Rubin.

  "I'm worst of all," said Trumbull, scowling. "The only vowels in my name are two u's, and I can't do anything with that."