The Decameron, Volume II

was not seldom his wont, from Or San Michele by the Corso degliAdimari as far as San Giovanni, around which were then the great tombs ofmarble that are to-day in Santa Reparata, besides other tombs not a few,and Guido being between the columns of porphyry, that are there, and thetombs and the door of San Giovanni, which was locked, Messer Betto andhis company came riding on to the piazza of Santa Reparata, and seeinghim among the tombs, said:--"Go we and flout him." So they set spurs totheir horses, and making a mock onset, were upon him almost before he sawthem. Whereupon:--"Guido," they began, "thou wilt be none of our company;but, lo now, when thou hast proved that God does not exist, what wiltthou have achieved?" Guido, seeing that he was surrounded, presentlyanswered:--"Gentlemen, you may say to me what you please in your ownhouse." Thereupon he laid his hand on one of the great tombs, and beingvery nimble, vaulted over it, and so evaded them, and went his way, whilethey remained gazing in one another's faces, and some said that he hadtaken leave of his wits, and that his answer was but nought, seeing thatthe ground on which they stood was common to them with the rest of thecitizens, and among them Guido himself. But Messer Betto, turning tothem:--"Nay but," quoth he, "'tis ye that have taken leave of your wits,if ye have not understood him; for meetly and in few words he has givenus never so shrewd a reprimand; seeing that, if you consider it well,these tombs are the houses of the dead, that are laid and tarry therein;which he calls our house, to shew us that we, and all other simple,unlettered men, are, in comparison of him and the rest of the learned, insorrier case than dead men, and so being here, we are in our own house."Then none was there but understood Guido's meaning and was abashed,insomuch that they flouted him no more, and thenceforth reputed MesserBetto a gentleman of a subtle and discerning wit.

  NOVEL X.

  --Fra Cipolla promises to shew certain country-folk a feather of the AngelGabriel, in lieu of which he finds coals, which he avers to be of thosewith which St. Lawrence was roasted.--

  All the company save Dioneo being delivered of their several stories, hewist that 'twas his turn to speak. Wherefore, without awaiting any veryexpress command, he enjoined silence on those that were commendingGuido's pithy quip, and thus began:--Sweet my ladies, albeit 'tis myprivilege to speak of what likes me most, I purpose not to-day to deviatefrom that theme whereon you have all discoursed most appositely; but,following in your footsteps, I am minded to shew you with what adroitnessand readiness of resource one of the Friars of St. Antony avoided apickle that two young men had in readiness for him. Nor, if, in order todo the story full justice, I be somewhat prolix of speech, should it beburdensome to you, if you will but glance at the sun, which is yet inmid-heaven.

  Certaldo, as perchance you may have heard, is a town of Val d'Elsa withinour country-side, which, small though it is, had in it aforetime peopleof rank and wealth. Thither, for that there he found good pasture, 'twaslong the wont of one of the Friars of St. Antony to resort once everyyear, to collect the alms that fools gave them. Fra Cipolla(1)--so hightthe friar--met with a hearty welcome, no less, perchance, by reason ofhis name than for other cause, the onions produced in that district beingfamous throughout Tuscany. He was little of person, red-haired,jolly-visaged, and the very best of good fellows; and therewithal, thoughlearning he had none, he was so excellent and ready a speaker that whosoknew him not would not only have esteemed him a great rhetorician, butwould have pronounced him Tully himself or, perchance, Quintilian; and inall the country-side there was scarce a soul to whom he was not eithergossip or friend or lover. Being thus wont from time to time to visitCertaldo, the friar came there once upon a time in the month of August,and on a Sunday morning, all the good folk of the neighbouring farmsbeing come to mass in the parish church, he took occasion to come forwardand say:--"Ladies and gentlemen, you wot 'tis your custom to send year byyear to the poor of Baron Master St. Antony somewhat of your wheat andoats, more or less, according to the ability and the devoutness of each,that blessed St. Antony may save your oxen and asses and pigs and sheepfrom harm; and you are also accustomed, and especially those whose namesare on the books of our confraternity, to pay your trifling annual dues.To collect which offerings, I am hither sent by my superior, to wit,Master Abbot; wherefore, with the blessing of God, after none, when youhear the bells ring, you will come out of the church to the place wherein the usual way I shall deliver you my sermon, and you will kiss thecross; and therewithal, knowing, as I do, that you are one and all mostdevoted to Baron Master St. Antony, I will by way of especial grace shewyou a most holy and goodly relic, which I brought myself from the HolyLand overseas, which is none other than one of the feathers of the AngelGabriel, which he left behind him in the room of the Virgin Mary, when hecame to make her the annunciation in Nazareth." And having said thusmuch, he ceased, and went on with the mass. Now among the many that werein the church, while Fra Cipolla made this speech, were two very wilyyoung wags, the one Giovanni del Bragoniera by name, the other BiagioPizzini; who, albeit they were on the best of terms with Fra Cipolla andmuch in his company, had a sly laugh together over the relic, andresolved to make game of him and his feather. So, having learned that FraCipolla was to breakfast that morning in the town with one of hisfriends, as soon as they knew that he was at table, down they hied theminto the street, and to the inn where the friar lodged, having complottedthat Biagio should keep the friar's servant in play, while Giovanni madesearch among the friar's goods and chattels for this feather, whatever itmight be, to carry it off, that they might see how the friar wouldafterwards explain the matter to the people. Now Fra Cipolla had forservant one Guccio,(2) whom some called by way of addition Balena,(3)others Imbratta,(4) others again Porco,(5) and who was such a rascallionthat sure it is that Lippo Topo(6) himself never painted his like.Concerning whom Fra Cipolla would ofttimes make merry with his familiars,saying:--"My servant has nine qualities, any one of which in Solomon,Aristotle, or Seneca, would have been enough to spoil all their virtue,wisdom and holiness. Consider, then, what sort of a man he must be thathas these nine qualities, and yet never a spark of either virtue orwisdom or holiness." And being asked upon divers occasions what thesenine qualities might be, he strung them together in rhyme, andanswered:--"I will tell you. Lazy and uncleanly and a liar he is,Negligent, disobedient and foulmouthed, iwis, And reckless and witlessand mannerless: and therewithal he has some other petty vices, which'twere best to pass over. And the most amusing thing about him is, that,wherever he goes, he is for taking a wife and renting a house, and on thestrength of a big, black, greasy beard he deems himself so very handsomea fellow and seductive, that he takes all the women that see him to be inlove with him, and, if he were left alone, he would slip his girdle andrun after them all. True it is that he is of great use to me, for that,be any minded to speak with me never so secretly, he must still have hisshare of the audience; and, if perchance aught is demanded of me, such ishis fear lest I should be at a loss what answer to make, that hepresently replies, ay or no, as he deems meet."

  Now, when he left this knave at the inn, Fra Cipolla had strictlyenjoined him on no account to suffer any one to touch aught of his, andleast of all his wallet, because it contained the holy things. But GuccioImbratta, who was fonder of the kitchen than any nightingale of the greenboughs, and most particularly if he espied there a maid, and in thehost's kitchen had caught sight of a coarse fat woman, short andmisshapen, with a pair of breasts that shewed as two buckets of muck anda face that might have belonged to one of the Baronci, all reeking withsweat and grease and smoke, left Fra Cipolla's room and all his things totake care of themselves, and like a vulture swooping down upon thecarrion, was in the kitchen in a trice. Where, though 'twas August, hesat him down by the fire, and fell a gossiping with Nuta--such was themaid's name--and told her that he was a gentleman by procuration,(7) andhad more florins than could be reckoned, besides those that he had togive away, which were rather more than less, and that he could do and saysuch things as never were or might be seen or heard forever, good Lord!and a day. And all heedless of his
cowl, which had as much grease upon itas would have furnished forth the caldron of Altopascio,(8) and of hisrent and patched doublet, inlaid with filth about the neck and under thearmpits, and so stained that it shewed hues more various than ever didsilk from Tartary or the Indies, and of his shoes that were all topieces, and of his hose that were all in tatters, he told her in a tonethat would have become the Sieur de Chatillon, that he was minded torehabit her and put her in trim, and raise her from her abject condition,and place her where, though she would not have much to call her own, atany rate she would have hope of better things, with much more to the likeeffect; which professions, though made with every appearance of goodwill, proved, like most of his schemes, insubstantial as air, and came tonothing.

  Finding Guccio Porco