Tel

  Chapter 16

  It had been a rather testing week for me because not only had I been trying like a bear to gain meaningful employment I’d also been summoning all my will power and strength not to declare my undying and immoral love for Jessica.

  I brushed upon it earlier but not long after the wedding I had a rather unexpected text from her. Unexpected because, after all, I did live with the cheating scumbag who caused her to spectacularly launch a half-eaten roast dinner across a room full of startled wedding guests and, as a result, I thought I’d be low down on her list of people to contact but, unbelievably, one afternoon I received a message expressing remorse for her actions that day. Imagine that. She apologised to me! I figured she was probably trying to save face by doing the rounds and apologising to every Tom, Dick and Harry, in fear of being branded a complete an utter wedding destroying psychopath but I was still shocked to receive one nonetheless.

  I sympathised with her in a way, or at least I told her I did. James was a shit there was no denying that but I did think her behaviour was a tad over the top. I wasn’t going to say that to her though was I, not when I still harboured illicit feelings for her, despite the fact her reaction had caused a war veteran’s nose to be reset before he could start the process of recovery.

  Don’t worry about it, it wasn’t that bad. I hope you’re ok? I wrote, like a true gentleman.

  I’m fine tks Tel, just a bit embarrassed by it all & angry. I still cant believe he would do that 2 me. Why can’t I just find the right man?

  Well, she had her chance I thought but, as much as I wanted to, I knew it probably wasn’t the best time for it, not after all that had happened. Oh, of course, it crossed my mind but what the hell would James say if he found out because I’m damn sure he wouldn’t have been too pleased that his so-called best friend was trying to dry ride his ex into oblivion regardless of what he had done. Besides, there was still this nagging doubt I had about Jess. Why had we gone through all the formalities of courtship only for her to then throw it in my face? Granted, it was a nagging doubt but I still fantasised about my sweaty palms being on her perfectly formed breasts.

  You’ll be fine I’m sure. You just had some bad luck that’s all. There’s plenty more fish in the sea as they say!

  I know, thanks Tel, you’re such a good friend. Maybe we could meet up soon like old times? X

  I always liked receiving a kiss from Jess. It might have been merely a single letter but it tugged at my heart all the same and gave me some kind of comfort.

  Yeah that would be good. Any time you want.

  OK I’ll be in touch soon honey. Luv J x

  A Luv and a kiss I thought, that was rather nice, but without knowing it I was falling deeper into the Jessica trap; fiercely pining for her as she flippantly sent me text messages which I could read a million different ways.

  It’s quite a degrading thing really; being head over heels for someone and not having it reciprocated. Imagine thinking about them all the time, being a mixture of nerves and excitement when you hear their voice or receive a text but then going days without contact, wondering when the next time will be, only for it to arrive when they find you with your pants round your ankles watching a stranger on television attempting to seductively eat a telephone. It’s debilitating if truth be told. No wonder people carry out the most stupid of acts when it comes to love.

  It reminded me of this fourteen year old boy from school, Chris Frankel, who serenaded his ex-girlfriend in the canteen one lunchtime, not long after she had dumped him for his friend, Peter Mears. He stood there shamelessly murdering Robbie Williams’ ‘Angel’, in a worthless attempt to win her back.

  Now, Chris’s first problem, when he undertook his mission impossible, was that Peter was sat next to his new girlfriend at the time, which was never wise considering Peter was six foot three and built like a grown man. However, his second predicament and probably the most damaging of all was that Chris couldn’t sing to save his life, which is never good when your plan is based on the power of sound. Added to the fact he was doing all of this in a canteen full of merciless school children and he was onto a loser from the very start.

  It goes without saying that the rest of the kids laughed and pointed, finding it rather amusing that a fellow pupil was breaking down in front of their very eyes. That was, however, until the awful warbling began to infuriate them and the laughter soon turned to anger and their anger resulted in them duly throwing muffins and bacon rolls and spraying him with fizzy drinks. I swear I even saw a shoe fly his way. You know it’s bad when someone takes an integral item of clothing and uses it as a weapon against you.

  To compound his misery, Peter took the hump in the shape of an expertly placed right fist to Chris’ jaw. Unfortunately, from that day forth Chris was known as ‘Ass Angel’ because he’d spent a full ten minutes on it after Peter had floored him. Kids can be so cruel. Strange thing was, weeks later Peter was fighting anyone who called his Chris Ass Angel as a way of protecting his friend. Kids can be fickle too.

  I laughed at the time, of course I did, I was a crummy little boy who didn’t have the confidence not to so I duly followed the crowd but now I realise he was just a desperate son-of-a-bitch and didn’t give a damn about what the other kids thought of him. Unfortunately, his chivalry eventually led to a move of schools to try and get away from the shame but the story of the Ass Angel soon travelled fast and kids will persecute you wherever you go so he was doomed for educational eternity.

  It’s just another fine example of how love can screw you up. It’s not good for your health really but even though I knew it, it didn’t stop me from accepting Jess’s offer of a drink when she did eventually get in touch, shortly after my interview with Gandalf and Rachel.

  Well, I’ll be honest with you, it was me who text her first. It had been a few days since she said she’d contact me and I wasn’t very good at waiting so felt it wasn’t too lecherous for me to keep her up to date with my comings and goings. I did think of James when I text her but, literally as I typed it out, I could hear him having loud phone sex with Dimples in the bathroom so I was pretty sure Jess was the last person on his mind. It was a crummy thing to do, texting her that is, not the phone sex, but I felt as long as I could justify it to myself he would never be privy to my ulterior motive and that kind of put my mind at ease, however debauched that might sound.

  She was the one to suggest the drink however. It was just a Saturday afternoon at a pub in town; nothing fancy, not like the gastro rubbish Victoria had me take her to, but Jess suggested it nonetheless so I didn’t feel too conniving with my actions.

  When I got there she looked beautiful as usual, her long blonde hair as immaculate and glossy as ever, like a Pantene advert, whilst her lettuce leaf frame was squeezed into a rose pink vest top and a pair of black jeans that left little to the imagination. I was so full of lust I wanted to rub my man bits all over her body but I never did just in case she didn’t like it and decided to call the police instead.

  We didn’t drink much alcohol when we first got there, I had a coke and she had a coffee, but Jess seemed to like talking to me and I liked listening to her so as the night went on, the harder drinks followed. Granted, she did speak a lot about James and what had happened between them but I kept my mouth shut the best I could and told her I knew very little of his philandering ways and only lied for him that day because I had been put on the spot at the last minute.

  “It was a noble thing you did for him Tel,” she graciously said, “I wish you hadn’t but I know he’s your friend and you boys feel like you need to stand by one another.”

  “Yeah I guess I did. I felt bad lying to you but I was stuck between the two of you and I figured, however horrible it was, that you would find out eventually. I hoped you would anyway because you deserved to,” I said truthfully.

  “What do you mean, I deserved to?” she asked, seemingly hurt.

  “Oh no, I don’t mean
it like that, just that it wasn’t right what he did. You deserve better than that so I kind of wanted you to find out…just not from me,” I replied, desperate not to upset her and telepathically suggesting ‘better than that’ was in fact me.

  “Ahh thanks Tel, you’re so sweet,” she answered and stretched across the table to place her hand on mine. It was a mere half a second but that’s all it took for elation to swarm my veins. I was still amazed, after all that time, how one gesture from Jess could knock me for six. “I’m glad I did. Imagine - I could have spent another year with him and not known, it could have been ten years, so I guess I should be thankful in a way. Did he ever talk to you about it…like, why he cheated?” she asked, pretending not to care.

  “No, not really. He’s just a bloke Jess. We do things sometimes that we don’t understand ourselves. You should really ask him if you want an honest answer,” I said, sipping my third pint, aware that I was walking a very fine line between being Jess’s confidant and James’s friend.

  “Would you have cheated on me?” she asked inquisitively.

  It was a simple question and not one which would normally fluster me but when she asked my mind raced with reasons why she asked it. Was it a question designed to assess me as a future boyfriend? Did she think she had made the wrong choice in James over me? Was she just enquiring about the male species in general and wondering if she could trust men ever again? Was it simply a question? I had to answer carefully I knew that but I also desperately wanted her to realise what kind of affect she had on me, that’s if she didn’t already.

  “No Jess, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have cheated on you,” I answered with a warm but telling smile. Jess smiled back, almost knowingly, as if she was aware of what I meant but was afraid to acknowledge it.

  Her reaction intrigued me. I’d never truly known what she actually thought of me. Yes I know, she told me once that if it wasn’t for James I would have been her boyfriend but those are just words and when it came to the crunch she hadn’t chosen me had she. Still, those words had given me hope over the years and I had always been at odds as to whether she genuinely had feelings for me or just liked the attention I gave her. Her smile suggested, to me anyway, that she knew fine well what I was implying but instead of acknowledging it, which she may have if she felt anything for me, she remained silent and moved around in her chair uncomfortably.

  As you well know I wasn’t the forthright type so I let it slide, frustrated by my inability to act on impulse but debilitated by it all the same but as the evening progressed and the drinks continued at a steady pace, the questions still gnawed away at me. I’d never spoken to Jess about what happened between us two and a half years before, not properly anyway. It had sort of been brushed under the carpet, largely because it would have been hard to discuss our feelings whilst she was riding my best friend in the next room but also, if I’m being honest, because I was kind of scared of the truth. However, I realised that I might not get a better chance to know the truth than at that very moment and with a touch of Dutch courage inside me I decided to seize the day; ‘Carpe Diem’ as Robin Williams once said to a group of young boys; and fired straight in there with the most burning question of all.

  “Ha remember when I caught you in the living room that night? That was hilarious!” she laughed, knocking the wind from my sails and halting me in my tracks. I remembered alright but I hoped Jess might have put it past her; she seemed good at doing that after all.

  “Oh, yeah I remember,” I replied sheepishly, my face turning a deep shade of crimson.

  “It was a bit startling at the time I must admit but I kind of felt sorry for you afterwards, picturing your little face all embarrassed and ashamed whilst you tried to cover yourself up.”

  “Yes yes, thanks Jess. Do we need to talk about it?” I begged.

  “I’m sorry Tel,” she replied before taking a sip of white wine. “You have nothing to be ashamed of you know,” she continued, staring at me above the glass as she took a second sip.

  “Oh yeah, being caught playing with yourself isn’t something to be ashamed of?” I replied, a little upset. Jess cleared her throat.

  “No, I meant you have nothing to be ashamed of downstairs,” she said, pointing to my groin.

  “Oh please, you’re just trying to make me feel better. I wasn’t really…up for it that night, I didn’t feel that great. I’m not sure why I did it really,” I said, trying to offer a reason why little Tel wasn’t standing at his fullest attention.

  “I’m not trying to make you feel better. I mean, I didn’t get too much of a look but what I did seemed pretty good,” she said almost suggestively.

  “Oh, well, thanks…I guess.”

  “It was almost worthwhile walking in on you. I was in two minds whether to or not.”

  “What do you mean,” I asked, confused.

  “Well, I was stood at the door and could hear the TV so I didn’t know whether to walk in or not but…I guess…I was kind of intrigued.”

  “So, you knew I was…you know,” I asked again, almost in disbelief. What was she playing at?

  “Not entirely. I knew you were watching some kind of dirty channel but I didn’t know you would be…playing with yourself.”

  “So why did you open the door?”

  “Well, like I said, I guess I was intrigued. It…excited me in a way.”

  Was she for real? I didn’t quite understand what she was trying to achieve by walking in on me and furthermore by then telling me she had done so because she was intrigued and excited. I know, I know, her words should have thrilled me but they were more annoying than anything. It was yet another example of the mixed signals she liked to give off which is why I eventually snapped. Well, sort of anyway.

  “Why are you telling me this,” I asked rather sternly.

  “What do you mean,” she replied, all innocent and holier than though.

  “You know what I mean Jess. Why, after all that has happened, are you now saying these…suggestive things? What’s the point of it all?”

  “Suggestive? I didn’t mean to…I’m just saying,” she continued, addled, clearly uncomfortable at being put on the spot.

  “I just don’t see the point in saying it. After all that’s gone on between us. You getting with James, then saying it would have been me if it wasn’t for him, then…”

  “What do you mean saying it would have been you,” she interrupted.

  I paused for a second, wondering if that part had arisen from my imagination but I wouldn’t have misconstrued what she said, it was imbedded in my memory. “You said, just after you got with James, that if it wasn’t for him you would have gone with me,” I answered, releasing the shackles after years of silence.

  “No I didn’t,” she answered somewhat hastily, not knowing her words were a dagger to my heart, not knowing I had clung on to that hope for over two years.

  “You did Jess. The night you and James announced you were dating, you got drunk and then told me that if you hadn’t got with James, it would have been me. I’m not making it up,” I continued, almost persuading myself.

  “Oh, I don’t remember,” she replied, as if it had slipped off her tongue as easily as asking for a pound of mince at the butchers. It suddenly dawned on me, what was one of the most important moments in our relationship to me, was not even a memory to her.

  “So that was a lie then?” I asked, bursting at the seams with anger and frustration.

  “Well, I. I don’t know Tel. I don’t remember saying it so how can I say whether it was a lie or not?”

  “Because you know how you felt Jess. You must have said it for a reason otherwise you wouldn’t have said it at all.”

  “Maybe Tel, maybe but…listen, I’m not looking to get into a relationship with anyone right now, not after what has happened. I…”

  “Hang on a minute, just hang on one minute, who said anything about a relationship,” I barked, losing the pl
ot. “You started it by telling me how you were all excited by the thought of seeing my cock; I never said anything about a relationship. Do you think I’m some kind of asshole who goes after his best mates exes the minute they’ve split up,” I said, hoping she wouldn’t answer in fear of the truth. “This is ridiculous Jess, I don’t know what your game is but I don’t want any part of it,” I told her in a surprisingly forthright manner, rising from my chair and heading to leave.

  “Tel…wait, just wait. I don’t know, I’m all confused, I’m sorry. I do feel something for you but…”

  “Don’t bother Jess,” I answered in a sorrowful voice and walked out the pub.

  I won’t lie; I was pretty upset as I walked home. I didn’t cry or anything, I’m a man after all, but sadness took a grip of me. I’d kind of wasted two years lingering on that one sentence and to find out that it meant nothing to her was a rather large kick in the crown jewels. I was disappointed in myself as well, both for being duped by a woman who clearly had no intention of reciprocating my feelings and for being such a shit friend. Fair enough I hadn’t physically done anything but, psychologically, I’d achieved a great deal and that’s not what true friends do. In all honesty, I was a bit of a scuzz bucket. Yeah, I could justify it by saying James stepped all over me in the first place but I didn’t know if that was the case or not and, as my Mum used to say, if he jumped off a bridge would I follow?

  However, in a way it was kind of a release. Of course, I was down in the dumps because something I had yearned for had, in fact, been a fantasy all along but at least I knew where I stood. I’d always been in limbo with Jess but, for the first time since I’d known her, I kind of knew what the deal was.

  When she text me later that night asking if I was okay I didn’t have the strength to indulge her; I was kind of exhausted from it all if truth be told but although my feelings towards her were changing emotionally, my lust had not and I couldn’t help but wonder what might have happened if I hadn’t thrown a hissy fit. I hadn’t stopped thinking about her in lacy underwear, I was a red blooded male after all, and the thought of her majestic body writhing over my moley one still got my juices flowing, just in a slightly different way to before.

  Would we have gone back to her place and humped like rabbits for all of twenty seconds? Almost instantaneously, I kind of developed this overpowering urge to screw her brains out just to prove a point to myself or at least feel like I’d achieved something from the whole episode. I’m not saying I planned on doing so, there was still a lot of mitigating factors to think of but it did become the overriding motivation where Jess was concerned. Even to have her say ‘I want you’ would have been enough for me although, I’m sure, if she had said those words whilst she stood in front of me braless it would have been damn hard to resist. It’s hard to resist any woman who stands in front of you braless.

  Emotionally, I would come to terms with our situation but physically, I probably never would unless I actually experienced her for myself.