The Tao of Hoik Ptui

and what it can and cannot do to achieve the mission set forth in the preamble. Amendment 8 of The Bill of Rights explicitly prohibits inflicting cruel and unusual punishment on anyone for the purpose of accomplishing the mission set forth in the preamble. So Cheney, assuming that we’re stupid--and probably assuming correctly in the case of conservatives--substitutes phrases, like “keep us safe” and “enhanced interrogation techniques” that don’t appear in The Constitution.

  I don’t see how any one who isn’t an idiot, evil, or an evil idiot can make a case that water boarding isn’t cruel and unusual punishment. According to the highest law of the land, it is illegal to water board people to provide for the common defense, to secure the blessings of liberty, to keep us safe, or just to make the bad guys pee. Water boarding is illegal. Period. Full stop. There are no ifs, ands, buts, or maybes. No legal “opinion” can change that. Vice President Dick Cheney and his cohort, including President Bush, attacked and undermined the very constitution they swore on The Bible to defend.

  Instead of supporting of supporting The Constitution, the conservative minions, like the little fascist wannabes they are, support Cheney. That is why liberals must insist that the miscreants who wrote those phony and un-American legal opinions, who approved torture, who just followed orders and tortured other human beings, and who tried to cover up the crime of torture are brought to justice and punished for their crimes no matter how loathsome Al Qaeda terrorists are.

  I too raised my right hand and swore to defend The Constitution. There are those of us who are true to highest law of the land and those who dump on it every time something bad happens. My one huge disappointment with President Obama, who put his hand on The Bible, is that he doesn’t have the balls to be true to his oath. There are distinct sides here, and it’s time to pick one. Many liberals have already made the truly patriotic choice. Unfortunately I don’t think we’ll find many conservatives who'll stand up, other than the 2nd Amendment, for The Constitution.~~ back to table of contents

  RED ON BLACK

  What is this thing with offensive messages in red writing on black tee shirts? Some of the thoughts presented on these garments are appallingly anti-social. And if you see a black tee shirt with a red skull on it, just cover your eyes. There’s no telling what’s going to be scribbled beneath the skull. It used to be that it was always a male wearing the intend-to-offend tee-shirt, but not anymore.

  I see nothing wrong with conveying an anti-social message if you’re truly anti-social. But come on already, we're pretty much down to service jobs in this country. Can you be anti-social and work in a call center? Is there such a thing as an anti-social empathizer? Why do you need a tee-shit that says “Crush the Meek”? If you were really a wannabe Attila the Hun, you’d be repairing Harleys or something.

  It seems to me that male call centers workers are a little self conscious about having wimpy jobs. But let’s face it; men who work in call centers are the sort who could only work construction when the weather’s nice. But at least pretend to be proud. How about a black tee-shirt with the lyrics of “Feelings” written on it big, red letters?~~ back to table of contents

  OBSERVING MLK JR DAY

  I'm awash in guilt because I'm working on Martin Luther King jr. holiday. I could have taken the day off, but that IN LIEUE OF day that I get for working today was just too tempting. What it came down to was a three-day weekend in January versus a three-day weekend after the water warms up at the beach in Rocky Point. I rationalize my behavior by the fact that I don't take veteran's day off, and I'm a veteran. So if I'm willing to work on my own day....

  I wasn't that big a fan of King when he was alive, but I've lived long enough to know that I like where we are better than where we were. I'm not sure that the country could have held together if brave and patriotic people hadn't been willing to stand up for what is right. And that leaves me with something that I can't rationalize away. We ought to be able to set aside our greed and avarice long enough to honor the people who put themselves on the line for this country. It doesn't matter whether they were armed with the weapons of war or the principles of nonviolence.

  People linked arms and fates and moved forward against appalling brutality and all they asked in return for letting the rest of us ride their coat tails is that we hold what they gained. Now the links are being broken because we can't even be bothered to think about somebody else's sacrifice--might interfere with our shopping. At least, between calls, I'm pondering what today is about. Would I be doing that if I had the day off? When I think about it, maybe I'm better off to be at work.~~ back to table of contents

  READING SHOULD BE FUNDAMENTAL

  At work people come around and leave newsletters on my desk. I can’t possibly fathom what they expect me to do with these things. They're kind of dry for my tastes. I think all the newsletters should be kept at the checkout counters in the cafeteria, like they do in the supermarket.

  My workgroup is trying to get a newsletter organized. I don’t know if the publishing team will succeed or not, but I’m going to offer them some advice. How about some really blaring headlines to attract the people standing in the checkout line? I’m talking 500 POUND BABY SPOTTED IN THE HALLWAY sort of thing.

  That’s the stuff that gets my attention when standing in the supermarket line. Of course, I never buy any of these rags, but I sometimes glance at them while I’m in line. And that would be an improvement over what happens to most of these company newsletters right now. And a lot fewer of them would be printed unnecessarily, leaving a lot more 500 pound trees to spot in our forests.~~ back to table of contents

  VIRTUE IN HARD WORK?

  Why do our politicians trumpet the virtue of hard work? I hear this as a justification for granting amnesty to “hard working” illegal immigrants from Mexico and South America. Now there are good reasons to grant amnesty to illegal immigrants from Mexico and South America. Most of them are shorter than I am, so they make me feel tall. On the other hand, the Dutch are the tallest people in the world, so no amnesty for them. But no one should receive amnesty because they are hard-working. If working hard produces such wonderful results, then why the hell are all those people coming here? They’re coming here because good government matters and the places they're coming from are, shall we say, governmentally challenged.

  Does anybody think the United States will survive as a country because we peons work hard? I doubt it. We expect to survive by being nimble and prescient. Otherwise, we grunts will have to immigrate to other countries. In any organization, good leaders actually make things easier for good followers. So why is it so wonderful that Americans work so hard? And if we work so hard, why aren't we taller than the Dutch? I heard some conservative talk show host knocking Holland, but there is a positive correlation between the quality of a nation's diet and the height of its citizens. Maybe we're working hard, but the food is lousy. In any case, I think we’re getting rooked, and I think our nation is fast becoming governmentally challenged too. But just to be fair, I shall have to ponder this question more deeply the next time I’m lounging on the beach in Mexico.~~ back to table of contents

  VERBOSE OBESITY

  Americans are fat and fat people apparently want to read fat books, and that pisses me off because it's a rare author who can write a fat book that isn't rife with boring stretches that go on for the length of a good pulp novel. When I try to write something for publishing, I'm always way short on the word count requirements. Who are all these people who want to read all those superfluous pages?

  I have a report from a reputable, independent national laboratory that shows that the trend line depicting the increase in the weight of the average American and the trend line depicting the increase in the average number of pages in a work of fiction have been in sync for the last fifty years. I interpret that data to show unequivocally that if Americans would read thinner books, then we would lose weight. And this is without dieting and exercise. I can't wait for the result of the study on the correlat
ion between the thickness of books and heart disease to come out.

  And just between us guys, I can also say from personal experience that reading thinner books will definitely help you pick up chicks. Arrg! I mean girls. Doh! I mean women. Anyhow, say you're sitting around the pool at the ol trailer park and some hot young welfare mother looking to add to her monthly income asks you what you've been reading lately. You tell her you've been reading Plato's "The Republic". Two months later same question, same answer. Well, you can just forget about good ol Uncle Sammy taking any of your kids from 0 to prison in less than 18 years. What she's looking for here is quantity, not quality.

  OK, bottom line:: If you want to lead healthier, happier lives, read thinner books.~~ back to table of contents

  NICE GUYS REALLY DO FINISH LAST

  Women are always swooning over handsome men? Don't be deceived. That's not what they want. Look at the roots of the word-some and hand. Sounds pretty damned depressing to me. Now right off the bat, I'll say that I'm not handsome. I'm more in the category of inoffensive enough for all practical purposes, but I can live with that until someone proves to me that handsome men have more and better sex than us