The Tao of Hoik Ptui

reason for test tube babies or left over stem cells, because there are plenty of babies to be had in this world.

  But if we are going to play God by creating and maintaining stem cells in an unnatural environment, it’s ridiculous to start moralizing about how those stem cells should be used. You don’t set limits on God.

  Now that he’s out of high school, I just don’t know what to do with that kid. I was hoping he’d meet a nice beaker in chemistry lab, but on top of everything else, I think he’s gay. Says he wants to be a glass blower.~~ back to table of contents

  MEN, BE NOT CUTE

  When it's time to get a new pair of glasses, a process that I dread only slightly less than going blind, my sweetie is constantly trying to goad me into a pair of “cute” glasses. I’m not cute. Why should I wear cute glasses? Can I accessorize my way into the ranks of the visage-ly favored? I think not. Cute junk is always small and thus, by definition, impractical for those of us who are challenged by our outward appearance. Homely people should be covered by a thick layer of some impenetrable-to-light substance like Tammy Faye Baker’s makeup. So while my significant other is thinking two tiny glass discs held together by delicate wire frames, I’m thinking welder’s face shield or at the very least, mask of the Lone Ranger.

  Fortunately for men who look like I do, we serve a useful purpose. It’s just not that easy for women to look good by themselves. This may be an age thing, but I seldom see a movie actress that I consider really attractive. The last time I saw a movie heroine who I thought was really beautiful was Naomi Watts, and she was playing opposite King Kong. (Now that I mention it, King Kong looked pretty good in his last movie too. He must be working out.)

  The point is that it’s easy to look good when you’re standing next to a gorilla. And like King Kong, we men don’t worry about how we look because we’re…well, men. My well-meaning but misguided SO should appreciate how gorgeous I make her look, instead of trying to cuten me up with little glasses. Besides, there are times when cute can be hazardous to your health.

  A couple of days ago, I bought a pair of short pants. I made my choice based on the numerous pockets sewn into this particular style of the garment. I like pockets because pockets are useful, but I suspect that pockets are now considered cute or trendy.

  I get the pants home and there’s a piece of lacing through the zipper lever. For over fifty years, I have been able to grasp the little, flat, metal tab and zip or unzip my zipper. Now, suddenly, I need a piece of shoestring attached to the tab to be able to perform the same functions? Has it become cute or trendy to have a small rope dangling from your crotch?

  Cute and trendy have gone too far. I don’t think men are supposed to be cute or trendy. We’re supposed to be competent and trustworthy and if we’re lucky, handsome. Handsome is exercising regularly so you will look fit. Cute is wearing black so you will look thinner. Handsome is trimming your beard and mustache. Cute is plucking your eyebrows.

  I was just working around the house, so I put on the pants and forgot about the bit of string. A couple of hours later, my significant other pointed at my crotch and said, “You need to cut that off.”

  Reflexively, I reached for my gun, but luckily I had left my pistol in my Tuxedo. In the nick of time, I realized what she meant, and no harm, no foul. But it just goes to show the trouble that trying to be cute can lead to.

  My SO is pretty level headed and she had no use for cute. In the end, cute men only appeal to shallow-minded followers of the cute and trendy; while a handsome man looks good to anybody he puts on.~~ back to table of contents

  AMERICA NEEDS BUMS

  Lots of people think we need a better national anthem and I'm one of them. I want "La Marseillaise", and the only good reason I can think of for going to war is to take it from the French.

  If we owned "La Marseillaise", we would have good big screen music. When you're watching a movie and the scene switches to London, you always hear the 1st four notes (buuum-bum-bum-bum) of "Rule Britania". The shot switches to Paris and you hear all nine notes (bum-ba-bum-bum-bum-bum-buuum-ba-bum) of the beginning of "La Marseillaise". I love French bums and if they won't give it up willingly, I say we take em. Or maybe a trade, say Louisiana and 200 billion dollars for "La Marseillaise".

  The only Americans who have their own movie music are our Native Americans and they have to share their bums with the Japanese and the Chinese. Indians, Chinese, and Japanese all get the same three notes: bum-bum-buuum. If you hear a deep low BUM-BUM-BUUUUM, kind of like the Big Billy Goat Gruff of bum's, the camera is panning across a war party or an Indian village. For Hollywood, low down bum equals Native American.

  Higher up the range are the Japanese. Hollywood doesn't make US vs. the Japanese war movies anymore, but when I was a kid that mid range bum-bum-buuum was a movie staple. You never saw the faces of the Japanese, but as soon as you heard them, you knew who those bums were. And then John Wayne would get medieval on their asses. John Wayne hates Japanese bums as much as I like French ones.

  At the top of the range, actually more of a pling-pling-pliiinnng than a bum-bum-buuum, we have the Chinese. The Chinese are known for small bums, so whenever you hear that pling-pling-pliiinnng, prepare for a sea of conical hats. It takes a lot of Chinese to equal one stout English bum.

  If you're familiar with Hollywood, you can tell a lot about people from their bums.~~ back to table of contents

  ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION

  Let's give amnesty to the millions of illegal immigrants from Mexico and South America. I think white people initially encouraged all these illegals to get back at us black people for making it so hard for you to figure out what to call us.

  I'm talking about what you call us in public, not in private. First it was colored, but then we went to Negro and you let us see you sweat, so we just decided to make it a moving target. Just when you thought it was safe to say Black, we switched to African American. There is a secret committee convening right now to decide what our next group appellation is going to be. Oops! I wasn't supposed to reveal that!

  Now we also have to suffer with what to call the newest additions to our society. Do we say Hispanic, Latino, Mexican, or what? Are we going to offend when we're trying to be nice? Well, if that was your intent, it must feel like a hollow victory now.

  Besides, I like Mexicans. Most of the Mexican men that I meet are shorter than I am, even when I'm slouching. They make me feel taller, and I like feeling taller. I say let's open up that border and slouch to our hearts' content.

  Except that llegal immigration is a toughie for a liberal. On the one hand, we are racially tolerant, so no problem there. On the other hand, most of the illegals hail from cultures dominated by the Catholic Church, old fashioned family values, and hard work. Well, I don’t want any more of that crap crossing the border into the US.

  The US is a pretty liberal country. Liberal values would dominate even more, except that the conservatives keep importing more conservatives. California just had an initiative on recognizing marriage between homosexuals. The vote was close, and I believe that marriage between homosexuals would have been recognized, had it not been for all the Catholic illegals to whom we’ve granted amnesty over the last 30 years. So now we liberals must retake ground we thought we had already taken. The people born here have a right to advance our culture, which while not perfect is pretty good. If all those conservative values are so great, why is it that every country that embraces those values is so messed up. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

  The United States was at its most prosperous when organized labor was at its strongest. The wealthy elite couldn’t stand sharing corporate wealth with ordinary workers. The CEOs wanted ALL the wealth, or at least a couple of thousand times more than what the lowest paid workers made, so they illegally imported cheap labor. I don’t blame the illegal immigrants at all. If I lived in some third-world shit hole and somebody told me the US Government would look the other way while I slipped across the border into the richest country i
n the world, I’m there. But I’d also remember why I swam swollen rivers, braved bandits and rapists, trudged across burning deserts, and crawled through rat-infested tunnels to get out of that shit hole in the first place, and except for the food, I’d leave the rest of the shit behind.

  I live in Tucson, Arizona and I know illegals. Most of them are proud of their heritage, just not proud enough to go back to it. I am as conflicted as they are. As a citizen of the planet, I know that in the past US policies have helped oppress poor people in other countries, so we are to a great extent responsible for the immigration problem. As an American worker, I don’t want a lot of cheap foreign labor flooding the labor market and helping conservative US governments create a 2-class feudal system of the very poor working for the very wealthy.

  For me, what it really comes down to is that no country can endure without controlling its borders, and the fact that the United States is not controlling its southern border is a death knell for the US as we know it. No problem there for the wealthy elite. Being rich-patron types is what they had in mind all along. Big problem for everybody else. We already see serious shrinkage in the size of our middle class. I can live with one more amnesty. Once again, we liberals will just have