Daughter of Darkness

  “You never really liked me, did you, Ava?” I asked. “All that time we recently spent together was just part of some plan, wasn’t it?”

  “Don’t be juvenile. This has nothing to do with whether or not I like you, and whether or not I like you has nothing to do with what must be, anyway. It’s not me you have to please. It’s Daddy and Mrs. Fennel, and whether you feel it or not right now, you have to please yourself, too. I must admit,” she added after a pause, “Marla is certainly growing more and more pleased with herself. I’m actually a little jealous of her, and I never thought I’d be jealous of anyone, ever.”

  “Where did you take her today when you took her from school?”

  “Why? Are you suddenly feeling jealous, too?”

  “Maybe.”

  She laughed. “That’s good. Maybe there is hope for you. I took her down to Laguna Beach to let her get the taste of beach boys. She was quite a hit. I had to pull them away. I was very impressed with how mature she acted. It’s easy to see that Daddy’s right about her. I don’t remember him saying such things about you at her age. Maybe that’s why he babied you more than he babied any of us.”

  “He didn’t baby me, Ava. He loved me.”

  “Call it what you want.” She stood up, turned to look at her figure in the mirror, and smiled at me. “But don’t worry, Lorelei. You’ll be getting your chance to prove yourself to Daddy very soon now.”

  “When?”

  “Soon.” She suddenly looked younger herself, the happiness lighting her eyes. “It’s exciting how fast things happen when you’re ready, isn’t it? I’m ready to leave, and you’re ready to begin.”

  “Yes,” I said quickly to cover up any self-doubts. “So, after you leave, will you be like Brianna and never have anything more to do with us?”

  “Don’t ask questions about my destiny, Brianna’s, or even your own right now,” she warned. Then she smiled again, her mood changing once more. “Daddy has another surprise to announce at dinner.”

  “What is it?”

  “If I tell you, it won’t be a surprise, will it?”

  “Why isn’t it a surprise for you, too, then?” I asked.

  “Haven’t you figured it out yet, Lorelei? I’ve moved to another stage in my development. I’m what you might call one of Daddy’s inner circle now.” She stepped closer to me and narrowed her eyes. “Think you’ll ever get there?”

  It was as if she had put her lips to mine and sucked the air out of my lungs and throat. I couldn’t speak for a moment.

  “I’ll be just as good a daughter to Daddy as you’ve ever been,” I said as firmly and as defiantly as I could.

  “I hope so. For your sake, I hope so,” she said. She walked to the door and opened it before turning back to me. “I guess we’ll know soon enough, won’t we? See you at dinner.” She closed the door softly, but the sound of it, that sharp click, felt like a pin in my heart.

  I was all pins and needles as I headed to the dining room for dinner. When I reached the living room, I heard Daddy’s laughter and stopped to look in. Marla was demonstrating something that struck him as funny. From the way she was parading in front of him, it looked as if she was showing him how she walked, turned her shoulders, and flirted with her eyes. He clapped his hands, and then he saw me in the doorway.

  “Ah, Lorelei. Come in. Marla was just demonstrating something she calls the Dance of the Honey Bee. Isn’t that a cute name for it?”

  “I don’t know, Daddy. I didn’t see her do it.”

  “Well, you will,” he said, rising. “Now, where’s our Ava? I’m getting hungry. Marla has stirred my appetites.”

  “I’m here, Daddy,” she called from behind me.

  “Okay, girls,” he said. “Let’s go in before Mrs. Fennel calls us for a change. I have some important announcements to deliver.”

  He reached for Marla the way he had reached for me that night when I wore the dress he had brought back from Paris. He kissed her, too. I looked more closely at her when she turned gleefully to me. There really was something older, more mature about her, especially in her eyes. I hadn’t seen it that morning, but maybe that was because my mind was on other things. Or perhaps I was not able to see it emerging. Perhaps only Daddy could see that.

  We sat at the table and joined hands, anticipating Daddy’s opening remarks.

  “My darlings,” he began, “for life to hold any interest for us especially, it must from time to time provide surprises. Think of how boring it must be for a clairvoyant to know exactly what lies beyond the next minute, the next hour, the next day. If there is indeed a God and he is all-knowing, he must be as bored with his eternal existence as we would be. Never be afraid of the unknown. Cherish it, in fact, the way you cherish the darkness. I like to think that our lives have a rhythm, just the way our hearts have a rhythm, and when it changes for one reason or another, we know something different is coming or has come.” He nodded at Marla.

  I looked at Ava. She wore that smile of superiority, which right now I felt like slapping off her face.

  “Changes require changes,” Daddy continued. He brought his hands together and held them against his chest. “I’ve decided that in two weeks’ time, we will be leaving this house.” He paused and nodded at Ava. “Ava will not be leaving with us. She’ll be leaving, but she won’t be going where we’re going. In this new home,” he added, now looking at Marla and me, “you will eventually have a new baby sister.”

  “Oh, that’s wonderful, Daddy,” Marla said before I could make a comment. “I was just dreaming that I would have a baby sister to help care for.”

  “Were you? How prescient. That’s a very good indicator of good things to come for you as well as for us,” Daddy told her.

  She practically went up in flames with her burst of pride.

  “Why are we leaving so soon, Daddy?” I asked just as Mrs. Fennel entered. She paused with our food on a tray and looked at me angrily. Couldn’t I even ask that?

  “We’re not running from anything or anyone, if that’s what you think, Lorelei,” he said. “It has nothing to do with what happened here.”

  “No, I wasn’t thinking that. I just wondered.”

  “Your father knows instinctively when it is best for us to go,” Mrs. Fennel said.

  Even Ava and Marla were surprised that she had answered for Daddy.

  “I know. I just wondered why,” I said.

  “It’s not for you to wonder why,” Mrs. Fennel replied.

  “I can’t wait to leave this place and this school, Daddy,” Marla said. “There’s nothing like starting somewhere new. Like you’ve told us often, live as if each day is the beginning of your life.”

  “Exactly,” Daddy said, pleased. He looked at me with concern.

  “I have no reason to want to stay,” I said quickly, thinking that might be the right thing to say. “Do you know where we’ll be going yet?”

  He smiled, but it wasn’t as warm a smile as I usually received from him. “Of course I do, Lorelei. You need not worry about anything.”

  “Lorelei is the worrier in our family, Daddy,” Ava said, keeping her eyes fixed on me.

  “A little worry is a good thing,” Daddy said. Mrs. Fennel began to serve our dinner. “But you mustn’t ever let anything take control of you or interfere with what you must do and who you must be. The road is littered with those who do,” he added. He smiled at all of us and then at the roast Mrs. Fennel had prepared in her own special way.

  Never before had Daddy’s words frightened me, but there was something in his tone that sent a chill down my spine. That plus Ava’s intense study of my every move, every reaction, stole away my appetite, but I ate anyway to hide it.

  I was actually relieved to hear that Daddy was going out after dinner, and we wouldn’t, as we often did, spend a few hours with him listening to music, talking, and dancing. I was afraid of anything else Ava might say about me, and it did bother me that Daddy was looking at Marla with more interest and lo
ve than he had when he looked at me.

  All three of us went to our rooms, but not before I saw Marla and Ava whispering in the hallway. I tried to read to keep myself busy and not think about all the changes that would soon be thrust upon me, but I did not stop. Ava was right. I was the worrier in the family. I even worried that worrying too much would, as Daddy warned, prevent me from doing what I had to do and being who I had to be.

  A few hours later, as I was beginning to prepare for bed, Ava came to my room. She rarely knocked on my door, but this time, she seemed to slip in with deliberate silence, as if she had expected to catch me doing something wrong. I had no idea how long she had been there staring at me when I looked up and saw her.

  “Must you sneak up on me like that, Ava?”

  “I wonder why you don’t sense me there. I certainly would have sensed you when I was your age,” she said instead of apologizing. “Your mind must be otherwise occupied.”

  “Maybe I’m just tired,” I said. “What is it now?”

  “You and I are going to plan our next catch. You’re being accelerated. You’ll make the actual delivery. It should occur a week from this Saturday,” she said. “Daddy and I have discussed it, and he is convinced I’m right.”

  “Right about what?”

  “The choice,” she said. “It’s best you have it a bit easier the first time you lead. We’ll be together, but you’ll bring him home.”

  “Who?” I asked, even though I knew the answer.

  She smiled. “You know who, Lorelei. Don’t pretend to be innocent with me. Sleep tight, and don’t let the bedbugs bite,” she teased, and left me.

  Only hours before, I had made a vow to try to put away my feelings about Buddy. I was hoping I could be as cold about it as Ava was. Was I fooling myself? Was this impossible for me to do, and if it was, what would happen to me? I couldn’t fail Daddy. What I had thought was worrying before was nothing compared with what went on my head nearly the whole night. I fell asleep but woke up hours later, only to struggle to sleep again. When morning came, I was disappointed. I had finally gotten myself to sleep again.

  Compared with Marla at breakfast, I was like some nun who had taken an oath of silence. Mrs. Fennel looked at me suspiciously, but Marla was so into her own excitement about the things Daddy had told us that she didn’t notice or ask me why I was so quiet. Ava had slept late, fortunately. She had no reason to get up as early as we did and wasn’t there at breakfast to torment me with her smiles and wry remarks.

  Finally, on our way to school, Marla asked me why I was so quiet that morning. Did I dare ask her questions to see if she felt any of the things I felt? Would she rush to Ava to report them?

  “Like me, you haven’t made any friends at school, Marla, so I guess it doesn’t bother you at all that we’re leaving, right?”

  “Not in the least. Why? Does it bother you?”

  “I know you’ve been unhappy sometimes, having to stay home while the other girls in your class go to parties or the movies together on dates. You’ve told me so.”

  “It doesn’t bother me anymore,” she said.

  “When did it stop bothering you?”

  “I don’t know. Recently. Why, does that still bother you?”

  “Sometimes,” I admitted. I looked at her. “You don’t have to tell me what you tell Ava,” I said.

  She laughed.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “That’s what Ava says about you. I don’t have to tell her what I tell you.”

  “You and Ava talk about me?”

  “Just like you and I talk about her and like you two talk about me,” she said. “Don’t start acting hurt or anything, Lorelei.”

  “I am a little hurt, Marla. I thought you and I were closer,” I said.

  “We’re as close as Daddy wants us to be, needs us to be,” she said. “Don’t try to get me to feel sorry for you, Lorelei.”

  “I’m not.”

  “Right,” she said. After a moment, she added, “Ava warned me you could be like this.”

  “Like what?”

  “Afraid of me,” she said, glaring at me the way Ava might.

  “What? Why should I ever be afraid of you?”

  “You will be,” she said confidently. She smiled and looked forward, as if she really could see the future. “You will be.”

  “That’s not a very sisterly thing to say. I thought we were supposed to look out for each other,” I told her.

  “And we will. At least, I will,” she said.

  I was happy to arrive at school and get away from her. She was acting more cocky than ever. I was furious with myself for even trying to get closer to her, to share my feelings. Both of my sisters were making me feel more and more like an outsider now. It put me in a bad mood all day, and even those who always treated me as if I were invisible were obviously affected by it. They kept an extra foot or so away from me and hurried to get out of my way when I walked.

  The truth was that the intensity of the anger and resentment I was feeling that morning surprised even me. It had a strange physical effect on my body, too. My arms and legs felt harder, my grip on things tighter. I felt my shoulders harden, and whether it was in my imagination or not, I thought I could hear more clearly, hear things said by students all the way across the hallways, as well as smell things more sharply. The bells that rang to end one period and begin the next reverberated in my bones.

  And then the strangest feeling came over me when I was at lunch and sat close to Meg and Ruta. They were both fawning over Tommy Holmes, each probably dreaming of him asking her to the upcoming senior prom. It wasn’t simply the sight of them, the obvious ways in which they pressed their bodies against his or touched his hand or even wagged their shoulders and pushed out their breasts to catch his eye. As strange as it seemed, it was the sound of their heartbeats and the scent of their very sex. It nauseated me, and I had to get up and leave. Neither probably noticed. They were too involved in their effort to get Tommy interested in them.

  I calmed down when I went outside, but my reaction to what I heard and saw was a little frightening. I felt as if all my feelings and thoughts were twisting around one another. My insides were in turmoil. I was never sick. I never had to leave school or go to the nurse’s office. I didn’t even recall being uncomfortable at the onset of a period. I knew nothing of the cramps other girls had. Was all of that finally catching up with me? Why wouldn’t Mrs. Fennel have mentioned such a possibility if it did exist?

  I flipped open my cell phone and called home. She answered immediately. “What is it, Lorelei?” It was as if she had been standing near the phone, anticipating my call.

  “I don’t know. I’m not sure. I feel hot and then cold, angry and then sad. My body feels as if it’s turning to stone and then suddenly is normal again.”

  “Come home,” she said. “Ava will pick up Marla today.”

  “Is there something wrong with me?”

  “No, nothing is wrong, but I’d rather you were home right now.” She hung up before I could ask or say anything more.

  I went to the office and checked myself out. Before anyone could ask any real questions, I was gone. Mrs. Fennel was waiting for me when I arrived home. She was standing in the kitchen doorway and holding a glass of greenish liquid.

  “I want you to drink all of this and then go to your room to rest,” she said.

  “I don’t understand what happened to me. What is that?”

  “Just do what I say,” she snapped back, and thrust the glass at me.

  I took it, looked at her, and drank it. It didn’t taste as terrible as it looked, and when it went down my throat, it made me feel warm, but it was a soothing warmth.

  “Now, go to bed for a while,” she told me.

  “Is Daddy here?”

  “He is not,” she said. “Go to bed.”

  She turned, and I went down to my bedroom. I got undressed and crawled under the blanket, resting my head softly on the pillow and closing m
y eyes.

  In moments, I was asleep. When I awoke, it was dark out. I rose slowly and looked at the clock. I had slept for hours. It took me a few moments to stop feeling numb and groggy, and then I began to dress. It was too late for dinner, but I imagined Ava, Marla, and Daddy were in the living room. Suddenly, however, my door burst open. Ava stood there glaring in at me.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Did you say anything to him?”

  “Who?”

  “Don’t play games with me, Lorelei. I’ll ask you again. Did you say anything to him?”

  “You mean Buddy Gilroy? No,” I said. “Why do you ask?”

  She studied me a moment and then relaxed and entered, closing the door behind her. “Something is wrong,” she said, sitting on my bed. “He avoided me all day, and I deliberately went looking for him.”

  “Did he ask about me?”

  “What? No, of course not. Maybe he’s really gay,” she said. Ava could not stomach any rejection. It pleased me to see her suffering so.

  “Maybe he is,” I said. “I read where some gay college guys try to look like heterosexuals in front of their friends because they’re ashamed of what and who they are or they’re afraid of being ridiculed.”

  She considered. “Maybe,” she said. “If that’s true, he won’t be good for Daddy, anyway. I’ll have to rethink it all.”

  “Whatever you say, Ava.”

  She looked at me as if she had just realized I was there. “What happened to you today?”

  I described my symptoms.

  She listened and nodded. “It’s normal,” she said.

  “It happened to you?”

  “I just said it was normal, didn’t I?” She rose. “Daddy’s with someone tonight,” she added, “so don’t rush out there.”

  “Oh.”

  “I don’t understand him. I can usually sense men who wouldn’t be of any value to Daddy.”

  She looked at me, and I shrugged.

  Then she walked out, closing the door sharply behind her.

  Had I just saved Buddy Gilroy’s life?

  And maybe my own?