A Guest at the Ludlow, and Other Stories

  A PLEA FOR JUSTICE

  XVII

  _To the Honorable Mayor of New York:_

  SIR--I suppose you are mayor of this whole town, and if so you are themayor of the hosspitals as well as of the municipality of New York. I ama citizen of this place that has always been square towards every manand paid my bills as they accrewed. I now ask you, in return for same,to intervene and protect me in my rights. The millishy has never beencalled out to suppress me. I have never been guilty of rebellyun or opendifyance off the law, and yet I am unable to get a square deal and Iwrite this brief note and enclose a two-cent stamp, to ascertainwhether, as mayor, you are for me or agin me.

  ... _I was in a large, cool hosspital which smelt strongof some forrin substans. The hed doctor had been breathing on me and soI come too_ (Page 163)]

  Three years ago I entered your town from a westerly direction. I done soquietly and I presume that few will remember the sircumstans, yet suchwas so. I had not been here two weeks when I was run into, knocked overand tromped onto by the bay team of a purse-proud producer of beer. Iwas dashed to earth and knocked galley west on Broadway st. lookingnorth by sed horses and I was wrecked while peasably on my way to myplace of business. When I come to myself I was in a large, coolhosspital which smelt strong of some forrin substans. The hed doctor hadbeen breathing on me and so I come too. When I looked around me Idecided to murmur "Where am I at?" which I did.

  I soon learned that I was in a hosspital, and that kind friends hadremoved one of my legs. I will not take up your time, sir, by touchingon my sufferings. Suphice it to say that I went foarth at last a blastedman, with a cork leg that don't look no more like my own once leg whichI was torn away from, in spite of the Old Harry. It is too late torepine over a wooden leg, unless it is a pine leg, but I come to you,sir, to interfear on behalf of another matter which I will now aprooch.Sorrows at that time come on me thick and fast. During that fall I lostmy wife and two dogs by deth. This was the third wife I have been calledon to bury. It has been my blessed privilidge to mourn the loss of threeas good wives as I ever shook a stick at. I have got them all in onecool, roomy toom, with a verse on the door of same and their address, sothat they will not delay the resurrection. Under the verse that wasengraved on the slab, some low cuss has wrote three verses of poetrywith a chorus to each verse which winds up with the words:

  Tit, tat, toe, three in a row.

  But all this is only introductory. Sir, it has long been my heart'sdesire that all my beloved dead should repose together. I have a largelot in the semmetery, and last week a movement was placed on foot tointer my late leg by the sides of my deceased wives. I applied to thehosspital for said leg, having got a permit to bury same. I was pleasantand corechus to the authoritis there, saying that my name was Gray and Iwas there to procure my leg, whereupon a young meddicle cuss said tothe head ampitater:

  "Here's de man that wants to plant Gray's l-e-g in a churchyard."

  He then laughed a hoarse laugh and went on preserving a polapus in a bigglass fruit can with alkohall in it. Wherever I went I met with ageneral disposition to fool with a stricken and one-legged man. I wentfrom ward to ward, looking at suffering and smelling kloryform till Iwas sick at heart. I was referred from Dan to Beersheby, from thejaniter up to the chief tongue inspector, and one place where I wentinto they seemed to be picking bone splinters out from among agentleman's brains. I made bold to tell my business, but with smallhopes.

  "This is the man I told you about, Doc," said a young man who was filingand setting a small bone handsaw. "This is that matter of Gray, the manwho wants his leg."

  "Damn your Gray matter," says this doctor, whereupon the rest bust intoribald mirth.

  I was insulted right and left for a whole forenoon, and came awayshocked and pained. Will you assist me? There is no reverence amongdoctors any more and they have none of the finer feelings. Some asked meif I had a check for my leg. Some said they thought it had escaped fromthe hosspital and gone on the stage, and one feller said that thishosspital would not be responsible for the legs of guests unlessdeposited in the office safe. I like fun just as well as anybody, Mr.Mayor, but I don't think any one should be youmerous over the cold deadfeatures of a leg from which I have been ruthlessly snatched.

  I now beg, sir, to dror this hasty letter to an untimely end, hopingthat you will make it hot for this blooming hosspital and make them forkover said leg. Yours, with kindest regards,

  A. PITTSFIELD GRAY.