Mr. Punch's Irish Humour in Picture and Story

  Produced by Chris Curnow, Les Galloway and the OnlineDistributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net

  PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR

  Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON

  Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its beginning in 1841 to the present day

  Mr Punch as Irishman]

  MR. PUNCH'S IRISH HUMOUR

  "Sure, Pat, and why are ye wearin' ye'r coat buttoned up loike that on a warm day loike this?"

  "Faith, ye'r riverence, to hoide the shirt oi haven't got on!"]

  MR. PUNCH'S IRISH HUMOUR

  IN PICTURE AND STORY

  _WITH 154 ILLUSTRATIONS_

  BY

  CHARLES KEENE, PHIL MAY, GEORGE DU MAURIER, L. RAVEN-HILL, BERNARD PARTRIDGE, G. D. ARMOUR, E. T. REED, H. M. BROCK, TOM BROWNE, GUNNING KING, AND OTHERS

  Irishman with shamrock]

  PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH

  THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"

  THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.

  THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR

  _Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_

  LIFE IN LONDON COUNTRY LIFE IN THE HIGHLANDS SCOTTISH HUMOUR IRISH HUMOUR COCKNEY HUMOUR IN SOCIETY AFTER DINNER STORIES IN BOHEMIA AT THE PLAY MR. PUNCH AT HOME ON THE CONTINONG RAILWAY BOOK AT THE SEASIDE MR. PUNCH AFLOAT IN THE HUNTING FIELD MR. PUNCH ON TOUR WITH ROD AND GUN MR. PUNCH AWHEEL BOOK OF SPORTS GOLF STORIES IN WIG AND GOWN ON THE WARPATH BOOK OF LOVE WITH THE CHILDREN

  Donkey cart carrying family and dog]

  MR. PUNCH AND PAT

  (_By way of Introduction_)

  Ragged Irishman standing]

  No PUNCH artist has done more with Irish humour than Charles Keene.Well over a third of the PUNCH drawings on this subject are from hispencil. Most of the PUNCH artists have made good use of it, Phil Mayand Mr. Raven-Hill in particular.

  Some of MR. PUNCH'S jokes against the Fenians, Home Rule, and Irishdisloyalty have a bitterness that is quite unusual with him, but noneof these are included in our pages, and he has at other times handledthe same topics with his customary geniality and good-humoured satire.He makes the most of the Irishman's traditional weakness for "##bulls"whisky, fighting, and living with his pigs, but he gets an immenseamount of variety out of these themes, and does not neglect to touchupon other typically Irish characteristics. If you have examples of theIrishman's blunderings, you have examples also of his ready wit and hisamazing talent for blarney.

  We have thus in the present volume a delightful collection of Irishwit and high spirits. The happy-go-lucky characteristic of Pat isespecially prominent in many of the jokes, and interpreting MR. PUNCH'Sattitude towards the Irishman as one of admiration for his manyexcellent qualities, instead of regarding him as the "but" for Englishjokes, too often the notion of comic writers, the editor has sought torepresent MR. PUNCH as the friend of Pat, sometimes his critic, butalways his good humoured well-wisher, who laughs at him now and then,but as often with him.

  Mr Punch striding purposefully]

  MR. PUNCH'S IRISH HUMOUR

  Mr Punch, with quill pen, bowing to reader]

  THE IRISH YOLK.--In the name of the profit--eggs! Irish co-operatorshave already made giant strides in the production of milk and butter,and now the Irish Co-operative Agency has decided, so says the _CorkDaily Herald_, to "take up the egg trade." We hope the egg-traderswon't be "taken up," too; if so, the trade would be arrested just whenit was starting, and where would the profit be then? "It is statedthat many Irish eggs now reach the English market dirty, stale, andunsorted," so that wholesale English egg-merchants have preferred tobuy Austrian and French ones. Ireland not able to compete with theforeigner! Perish the thought! A little technical education judiciouslyapplied will soon teach the Irish fowl not to lay "shop 'uns."

  * * * * *

  TANTALUS.--_Irish Waiter (to Commercial Gent, who had done a goodstroke of business already)._ "Brikfast! Yessir. What'll ye have, yerhonour--tay or coffee?"

  _Commercial Gent (hungry and jubilant)._ "Coffee and fried sole andmutton cutlet to follow!"

  _Waiter (satirically)._ "Annything ilse, surr?"

  _Commercial Gent._ "Yes, stewed kidneys. Ah and a savoury omelette!"

  _Waiter._ "Yessir. Annything----"

  _Commercial Gent._ "No, that will do----"

  _Waiter (with calm contempt)._ "And do ye expict to foind the loikes o'them things here? Sure, ye'll get what yez always got--bacon an' iggs!"

  * * * * *

  FROM AN IRISH REPORTER IN A TROUBLED DISTRICT.--"The police patrolledthe street all night, but for all that there was no disturbance."

  * * * * *

  _Mr. MacSimius._ "Well, Oi don't profess to be a particularly cultivated man meself; but at laste me progenitors were all educated in the hoigher branches!"]

  ERIN GO BRAGH

  DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I perceive that there is a movement on foot, initiatedby the patriot Doogan, M.P., for teaching the Irish language to theyouthful Redmonds and Healeys of the Emerald Isle. I am sorry that theGovernment has not acquiesced in the motion. I, myself, would bring ina measure compelling all Hibernian Members of Parliament to denounce(they never speak) in their native tongue. Just fancy the rapture withwhich they would inveigh in a language incapable of comprehension by asingle Sassenach! And what a mighty relief to the other legislators!If necessary, the Speaker might be provided with an Anglo-Irishdictionary, or possibly a new post (open to Nationalists only) might becreated, viz., Interpreter for Ireland.

  Trusting that my suggestion may be supported by you,

  I am, yours obediently,

  LINDLEY MURRAY WALKER

  _The College, Torkington-on-the-Marsh_.

  * * * * *

  _Usher (the Court having been much annoyed by the shuffling of feet)._ "Will ye hould yer tongues up there with yer feet in the gallery!"]

  _Irish Landlord (to his agent, who has been to London as a witness)._ "And did ye mix much in society, Murphy?"

  _Mr. Pat Murphy._ "Mix is it? Faix I did that, every night of the whole time, and they said they'd niver tasted anything like it!"]

  "Whatever have you been doing with yourself, Murphy? You look all broken up!" "Well, yer 'anner, I wint to wan iv thim 'shtop-the-war' meetings lasht noight!"]

  IRISH PROVERBS

  Every goose thinks his wife a duck.

  No news in a newspaper isn't good news.

  Manners make the gentleman, and the want of them drives him elsewherefor his shooting.

  A miss is as good as a mile of old women.

  Too many cooks spoil the broth of a boy.

  It's foolish to spoil one's dinner for a ha'porth of tarts.

  There are as fine bulls in Ireland as ever came out of it.

  Necessity has no law, but an uncommon number of lawyers.

  Better to look like a great fool, than to be the great fool you look.

  A soft answer may turn away wrath, but in a Chancery suit, a softanswer is only likely to turn the scales against you.

  One fortune is remarkably good until you have had another one told you.

  Don't halloa until you have got your head safe out of the wood,particularly at Donnybrook Fair.

  * * * * *

  _Lady (looking at new cob)._ "How does he go, Patric
k?"

  _Irish Groom._ "The very best, m'lady! Sure it's only now and then he touches the ground in odd spots."]

  * * * * *

  Men of straw don't make the best bricks.

  It's a narrow bed that has no turning.

  When money is sent flying out of the window it's poverty that comes inat the door.

  The pig that pleases to live must live to please.

  One man may steal a hedge, whereas another daren't even as much as lookat a horse.

  Short rents make long friends--and it holds good equally with yourlandlord and your clothes.

  The mug of a fool is known by there being nothing in it.

  You may put the carte before the horse, but you can't make him eat.

  Money makes the gentleman, the want of it the blackguard.

  When wise men fall out, then rogues come by what is not their own.

  * * * * *

  A BITTER BAD FRUIT.--A patriotic Irishman, expatiating eloquently uponthe Lodge disturbances that were so repeatedly taking place in hiscountry, exclaimed wildly: "By Jove, sir, you may call the Orange theApple of Discord of Ireland."

  * * * * *

  _Irate Station-master._ "What the divil are ye waitin' for?"

  _Engine-driver._ "Can't ye see the signals is against me?"

  _Station-master._ "Is it the signals? Sure now, ye're gettin' mighty particular!"]

  _Paddy._ "Where will I catch the express for Dublin?"

  _Station-master._ "Ye'll catch it all over ye if ye don't get off the line mighty quick!"]

  A REGULAR TURK.--_Adjutant._ "Well, sergeant, how's your prisoner getting on?" _Sergeant of the Guard._ "Bedad, sor, he's the vi'lentest blaggyard I iver had to do wid! We're all in tirror iv our loives! Shure we're obliged to feed him wid fixed bay'nits!"]

  THE TALE OF A VOTE

  Bedad, 'twas meself was as plaised as could be When they tould me the vote had bin given to me. "St. Pathrick," ses Oi, "Oi'm a gintleman too, An' Oi'll dine ivry day off a grand Oirish stew."

  The words was scarce seen slippin' off of me tongue When who but the Colonel comes walkin' along! "Begorrah, 'tis callin' he's afther, the bhoy, Oi'm a gintleman now wid a vingeance," ses Oi.

  The Colonel come in wid an affable air, An' he sat down quite natteral-loike in a chair. "So, Rory," ses he, "'tis a vote ye've got now?" "That's thrue though ye ses it," ses Oi, wid a bow.

  "Deloighted!" ses he, "'tis meself that is glad, For shure ye're desarvin' it, Rory, me lad. An' how are ye goin' to use it?" ses he, "Ye could scarcely do betther than give it to me."

  Oi stared at the Colonel, amazed wid surprise. "What! Give it away, sorr?--Me vote, sorr?" Oi cries "D'ye think that Oi've waited ontil Oi am gray, An' now Oi'm jist goin' to give it away?"

  The Colonel he chuckled, an' "Rory," ses he. But "No, sorr," Oi answers, "ye don't diddle me." Thin he hum'd an' he haw'd, an' he started agin, But he'd met wid his equal in Rory O'Flynn.

  Thin the smoile died away, an' a frown come instead, But for all that he tould me, Oi jist shook me head,

  NOT QUITE THE SAME THING.--_Merciful Traveller._ "Your little horse has been going well. When do you bait him?" _Pat._ "Ah, shure, it's been a purty livel road, sor: but Oi'l have to bate him goin' up Sloggin Derry Hill, sor!"]

  An' he gnawed his moustache, an' he cursed an' he swore, But the more that he argued, Oi shook it the more.

  Thin he called me a dolt an' an ignorant fool, An' he said that Oi ought to go back to the school, An' he flew in a rage an' wint black in the face, An' he flung in a hullaballoo from the place.

  Bedad, Oi was startled. Him beggin' me vote, An' he'd three of his own too!--The gradiness o't! Ye could scarcely belave it onless it was thrue, An' him sittin' oop for a gintleman too!

  Was it betther he thought he could use it than Oi? Begorrah, Oi'll show he's mistaken, me bhoy. Oi'll hang it oop over me mantelpace shelf, For now that Oi've got it, Oi'll kape it meself.

  * * * * *

  IRISH METEOROLOGY.--There surely must be some constant cause existingwhose agency maintains the chronic disaffection of Ireland. Perhaps itis some disturbing element ever present in the atmosphere. That maypossibly be a predominance of O'Zone.

  * * * * *

  _Old Gentleman (who has not hurried over his Dinner, and has justgot his Bill.)_ "Waiter, what's this? I'm charged here twopence forstationery. You know I've had none----"

  _Irish Waiter._ "Faix! yer honour, I don't know. Y'ave been sittin'here a long t-h-ime, anyhow!!"

  * * * * *

  THE CONSEQUENCE OF THE CHAIR.--_Chairman of the Home-Rule Meeting._ "'The chair' will not dispute the point with Misther O'Pummel----" _The O'Pummel._ "'The chair' had betther not, onless he loikes to stip out, and take his coat off!!" [_Confusion--exeunt fighting._

  * * * * *

  THE HEADLESS MAN AGAIN.--_Stock-jobber (to new Irish clerk, who isworking out the Bull and Bear list)._ "Hullo, why do you write "B"against your results?"

  _Clerk._ "Shure, sir, that's for "Bull," to distinguish them from"Bear.""

  * * * * *

  VERY IRISH RENDERING OF AN OLD SONG.--"'Tis my _day_light on a shinynight!"

  * * * * *

  A TASTE OF THE TIMES.--_Mr. Molony, Irish Farmer (to Mr. Flynn, theAgent)._ "Sure, I've come to ask yer honner to say a word to themasther for me, for the Black Boreen haulding."

  _Agent._ "No, Molony, the masther won't take a tenant without capital."

  _Mr. Molony._ "And is it capital? Sure, I've three hundred pounds inthe bank this minit!"

  _Agent._ "Oh, I thought I saw your name to that petition for areduction of rents, as you were all starving!"

  _Mr. Molony._ "Tare an' agers! Mr. Flynn, darlin'! Is the petition goneto the masther yet? If your honner could just give me a hoult av it,that I may sthrike my name out!"

  * * * * *

  _Tourist._ "Have you not got Scotch whiskey?"

  _Waiter (in an Irish hotel)._ "No, sorr, we don't kape it. And them as does only uses it to water down our own!"]

  "AS CLEAR AS MUD."--_Irish Waiter._ "An' will yer 'anner have an inside kyar or an outside kyar?" _Inexperienced Saxon._ "Oh, an outside car, of course; I don't want a covered conveyance; I want to see the country." _Irish Waiter._ "Oh, shure, nayther of 'em's covered." (_Closing door and preparing for a luminous explanation._) "It's this way, it is, sir. They call 'em inside kyars bekase the wheels is outside, an' they call 'em outside kyars by rason the wheels is inside!!"]

  A GOOD LISTENER.--_Reverend Gentleman._ "Well, Tim, did you leave the letter at the squire's?" _Tim._ "I did, your riv'rence. I b'lieve they're having dinner company to-day----" _Reverend Gentleman_ (_angrily_). "What business had you to be listening about? How often have I told you----" _Tim._ "Plaze your riv'rence, I only listened with my nose!!"]

  _O'Brien._ "Oh, murther aloive! Barney, come and help me! Pat has fallen into the mortar, and he's up to the ankles!" _McGeorge._ "Och, if he's only up to the ankles, he can walk out." _O'Brien._ "Oh, bedad, but he's in head first!"]

  _Irish Pat (to Bashful Bridget)._ "Look up, Bridget me darlin'. Shure an' I'd cut me head off ony day in the week for a sight of yer beautiful eyes!"]

  TRUSTWORTHY AUTHORITY

  _Host._ "Michael, didn't I tell you to decant the best claret?"

  _Michael._ "You did, sorr." _Host._ "But this isn't the best."

  _Michael._ "No, sorr; but it's the best you've got!"]

  "THE HARP IN THE AIR"

  _Irish Gentleman (who has vainly endeavoured to execute a jig
to the fitful music of the telegraph wires)._ "Shure! whoiver y'are ye can't play a bit! How can a jintleman dance--(_hic!_)--iv ye don't kape thime?"!!

  * * * * *

  The Cockney who said he valued Switzerland for its mountain hair has asupporter in a writer in the _Irish Independent_, who remarks: "Thereare many mountains in the country now bare and desolate, whose brows,if whiskered with forests, would present a striking appearance."

  * * * * *

  GEOGRAPHICAL CATECHISM.--_Q._ What do we now call the Isle of Patmos?

  _A._ Ireland.

  * * * * *

  REFRESHMENT FOR MAN AND BEAST.--_Traveller in Ireland (who has beeninto a shebeen)._ "But are you not going to bait the horse?"

  _Pat._ "Is it bate him? Sure, and didn't I bate him enough comingalong?"

  * * * * *

  _Irish Gent (paying debt of honour.)_ "There's the sovereign ye kindlylint me, Brown. I'm sorry I haven't been able----"

  Saxon (_pocketing the coin_). "Never thought of it from that day to----By Jove! 'forgot all about it----"

  _Irish Gent._ "Bedad! I wish ye'd tould me that before!"

  * * * * *

  _Surgeon (examining in the practical methods of reviving the apparently drowned)._ "Now, how long would you persevere in those motions of the arms?" _Bluejacket (from the Emerald Isle)._ "Until he was dead, sir!"]