The Monikins

  CHAPTER IX. THE COMMENCEMENT OF WONDERS, WHICH ARE THE MOREEXTRAORDINARY ON ACCOUNT OF THEIR TRUTH.

  I dare say my head had been on the pillow fully an hour before sleepclosed my eyes. During this time I had abundant occasion to understandthe activity of what are called the "busy thoughts." Mine were feverish,glowing, and restless. They wandered over a wild field; one thatincluded Anna, with her beauty, her mild truth, her womanly softness,and her womanly cruelty; Captain Poke and his peculiar opinions; theamiable family of quadrupeds and their wounded sensibilities; theexcellences of the social-stake system; and, in short, most of thatwhich I had seen and heard during the last four-and-twenty hours. Whensleep did tardily arrive, it overtook me at the very moment that Ihad inwardly vowed to forget my heartless mistress, and to devotethe remainder of my life to the promulgation of the doctrine of theexpansive-super-human-generalized-affection-principle, to the utterexclusion of all narrow and selfish views, and in which I resolved toassociate myself with Mr. Poke, as with one who had seen a great deal ofthis earth and its inhabitants, without narrowing down his sympathies infavor of any one place or person in particular, Stunin'tun and himselfvery properly excepted.

  It was broad daylight when I awoke on the following morning. My spiritswere calmed by rest, and my nerves had been soothed by the balmyfreshness of the atmosphere. It appeared that my valet had entered andadmitted the morning air, and then had withdrawn as usual to await thesignal of the bell before he presumed to reappear. I lay many minutesin delicious repose, enjoying the periodical return of life and reason,bringing with it the pleasures of thought and its ten thousand agreeableassociations. The delightful reverie into which I was insensiblydropping was, however, ere long arrested by low, murmuring, and, as Ithought, plaintive voices at no great distance from my own bed. Seatingmyself erect, I listened intently and with a good deal of surprise; forit was not easy to imagine whence sounds so unusual for that place andhour could proceed. The discourse was earnest and even animated; butit was carried on in so low a tone that it would have been utterlyinaudible but for the deep quiet of the hotel. Occasionally a wordreached my ear, and I was completely at fault in endeavoring toascertain even the language. That it was in neither of the five greatEuropean tongues I was certain, for all these I either spoke or read;and there were particular sounds and inflections that induced me tothink that it savored of the most ancient of the two classics. It istrue that the prosody of these dialects, at the same time that it isa shibboleth of learning, is a disputed point, the very sounds of thevowels even being a matter of national convention; the Latin word dux,for instance, being ducks in England, docks in Italy, and dukes inFrance: yet there is a 'je ne sais quoi,' a delicacy in the auriculartaste of a true scholar, that will rarely lead him astray when his earsare greeted with words that have been used by Demosthenes or Cicero.[Footnote: Or Chichero, or Kickero, whichever may happen to suit theprejudices of the reader.] In the present instance I distinctly heardthe word my-bom-y-nos-fos-kom-i-ton, which I made sure was a verb in thedual number and second person, of a Greek root, but of a significationthat I could not on the instant master, but which beyond a questionevery scholar will recognize as having a strong analogy to a well-knownline in Homer. If I was puzzled with the syllables that accidentallyreached me, I was no less perplexed with the intonations of the voicesof the different speakers. While it was easy to understand they were ofthe two sexes, they had no direct affinity to the mumbling sibilationsof the English, the vehement monotony of the French, the gaggingsonorousness of the Spaniards, the noisy melody of the Italians, theear-splitting octaves of the Germans, or the undulating, head-over-heelsenunciation of the countrymen of my particular acquaintance CaptainNoah Poke. Of all the living languages of which I had any knowledge, theresemblance was nearer to the Danish and Swedish than to any other;but I much doubted at the time I first heard the syllables, and stillquestion, if there is exactly such a word as my-bom-y-nos-fos-kom-i-tonto be found in even either of those tongues. I could no longer supportthe suspense. The classical and learned doubts that beset me grewintensely painful; and arising with the greatest caution, in ordernot to alarm the speakers, I prepared to put an end to them all by thesimple and natural process of actual observation.

  The voices came from the antechamber, the door of which was slightlyopen. Throwing on a dressing-gown, and thrusting my feet into slippers,I moved on tiptoe to the aperture, and placed my eye in such a situationas enabled me to command a view of the persons of those who were stillearnestly talking in the adjoining room. All surprise vanished themoment I found that the four monkeys were grouped in a corner of theapartment, where they were carrying on a very animated dialogue, the twooldest of the party (a male and a female) being the principal speakers.It was not to be expected that even a graduate of Oxford, althoughbelonging to a sect so proverbial for classical lore that many of themknew nothing else, could at the first hearing decide upon the analogiesand character of a tongue that is so little cultivated even in thatancient sea of learning. Although I had now certainly a direct clew tothe root of the dialect of the speakers, I found it quite impossible toget any useful acquaintance with the general drift of what was passingamong them. As they were my guests, however, and might possibly be inwant of some of the conveniences that were necessary to their habits, ormight even be suffering under still graver embarrassments, I conceivedit to be a duty to waive the ordinary usages of society, and at onceoffer whatever it was in my power to bestow, at the risk of interruptingconcerns that they might possibly wish to consider private. Using theprecaution, therefore, to make a little noise, as the best means ofannouncing my approach, the door was gently opened, and I presentedmyself to view. At first I was a little at a loss in what manner toaddress the strangers; but believing that a people who spoke a languageso difficult of utterance and so rich as that I had just heard, likethose who use dialects derived from the Slavonian root, were mostprobably the masters of all others; and remembering, moreover, thatFrench was a medium of thought among all polite people, I determined tohave recourse to that tongue. "Messieurs et mesdames," I said,inclining my body in salutation, "mille pardons four cette intrusion feuconvenable"--but as I am writing in English it may be well to translatethe speeches as I proceed; although I abandon with regret the advantageof going through them literally, and in the appropriate dialect in whichthey were originally spoken.

  "Gentlemen and ladies," I said, inclining my body in salutation, "I aska thousand pardons for this inopportune intrusion on your retirement;but overhearing a few of what I much fear are but too well-groundedcomplaints, touching the false position in which you are placed as theoccupant of this apartment, and in that light your host, I have venturedto approach, with no other desire than the wish that you would make methe repository of all your griefs, in order, if possible, that they maybe repaired as soon as circumstances shall in any manner allow."

  The strangers were very naturally a little startled at my unexpectedappearance, and at the substance of what I had just said. I observedthat the two ladies were apparently in some slight degree evendistressed, the younger turning her head on one side in maiden modesty,while the elder, a duenna sort of looking person, dropped her eyes tothe floor, but succeeded in better maintaining her self-possession andgravity. The eldest of the two gentlemen approached me with dignifiedcomposure, after a moment of hesitation, and returning my salute bywaving his tail with singular grace and decorum, he answered as follows.I may as well state in this place that he spoke the French about as wellas an Englishman who has lived long enough on the continent to fancy hecan travel in the provinces without being detected for a foreigner. Aureste, his accent was slightly Russian, and his enunciation whistlingand harmonious. The females, especially in some of the lower keys oftheir voices, made sounds not unlike the sighing tones of the Eolianharp. It was really a pleasure to hear them; but I have often hadoccasion to remark that, in every country but one, which I do not careto name, the language when uttered by the softer sex takes new charms,and is
rendered more delightful to the ear.

  "Sir," said the stranger, when he had done waving his tail, "I should dogreat injustice to my feelings, and to the monikin character in general,were I to neglect expressing some small portion of the gratitude I feelon the present occasion. Destitute, houseless, insulted wanderers andcaptives, fortune has at length shed a ray of happiness on our miserablecondition, and hope begins to shine through the cloud of our distress,like a passing gleam of the sun. From my very tail, sir, in my own nameand in that of this excellent and most prudent matron, and in those ofthese two noble and youthful lovers, I thank you. Yes! honorable andhumane being of the genus homo, species Anglicus, we all return our mosttail-felt acknowledgments of your goodness!"

  Here the whole party gracefully bent the ornaments in question overtheir heads, touching their receding foreheads with the several tips,and bowed. I would have given ten thousand pounds at that moment tohave had a good investment in tails, in order to emulate their form ofcourtesy; but naked, shorn, and destitute as I was, with a feeling ofhumility I was obliged to put my head a little on one shoulder and givethe ordinary English bob, in return for their more elaborate politeness.

  "If I were merely to say, sir," I continued, when the openingsalutations were thus properly exchanged, "that I am charmed at thisaccidental interview, the word would prove very insufficient to expressmy delight. Consider this hotel as your own; its domestics as yourdomestics; its stores of condiments as your stores of condiments, andits nominal tenant as your most humble servant and friend. I have beengreatly shocked at the indignities to which you have hitherto beenexposed, and now promise you liberty, kindness, and all those attentionsto which it is very apparent you are fully entitled by your birth,breeding, and the delicacy of your sentiments. I congratulate myselfa thousand times for having been so fortunate as to make youracquaintance. My greatest desire has always been to stimulate thesympathies; but until to-day various accidents have confined thecultivation of this heaven-born property in a great measure to my ownspecies; I now look forward, however, to a delicious career of new-borninterests in the whole of the animal creation, I need scarcely say inthat of quadrupeds of your family in particular."

  "Whether we belong to the class of quadrupeds or not, is a questionthat has a good deal embarrassed our own savans" returned the stranger."There is an ambiguity in our physical action that renders the point alittle questionable; and therefore, I think, the higher castes of ournatural philosophers rather prefer classing the entire monikin species,with all its varieties, as caudae-jactans, or tail-wavers; adoptingthe term from the nobler part of the animal formation. Is not this thebetter opinion at home, my Lord Chatterino?" he asked, turning to theyouth, who stood respectfully at his side.

  "Such, I believe, my dear Doctor, was the last classification sanctionedby the academy," the young noble replied, with a readiness that provedhim to be both well-informed and intelligent, and at the same time witha reserve of manner that did equal credit to his modesty and breeding."The question of whether we are or are not bipeds has greatly agitatedthe schools for more than three centuries."

  "The use of this gentleman's name," I hastily rejoined, "my dear sir,reminds me that we are but half acquainted with each other. Permit me towaive ceremony, and to announce myself at once as Sir John Goldencalf,Baronet, of Householder Hall, in the kingdom of Great Britain, a pooradmirer of excellence wherever it is to be found, or under whateverform, and a devotee of the system of the 'social-stake.'"

  "I am happy to be admitted to the honor of this formal introduction, SirJohn. In return I beg you will suffer me to say that this young noblemanis, in our own dialect, No. 6, purple; or, to translate the appellation,my Lord Chat-terino. This young lady is No. 4, violet, or, my LadyChatterissa. This excellent and prudent matron is No. 4,626,243, russet,or, Mistress Vigilance Lynx, to translate her appellation also into theEnglish tongue; and that I am No. 22,817, brown-study color, or, Dr.Reasono, to give you a literal signification of my name--a poor discipleof the philosophers of our race, an LL.D., and a F.U.D.G.E., thetravelling tutor of this heir of one of the most illustrious and themost ancient houses of the island of Leaphigh, in the monikin section ofmortality."

  "Every syllable, learned Dr. Reasono, that falls from your revered lipsonly whets curiosity and adds fuel to the flame of desire, tempting meto inquire further into your private history, your future intentions,the polity of your species, and all those interesting topics thatwill readily suggest themselves to one of your quick apprehension andextensive acquirements. I dread being thought indiscreet, and yet,putting yourself in my position, I trust you will overlook a wish sonatural and so ardent."

  "Apology is unnecessary, Sir John, and nothing would afford me greatersatisfaction than to answer any and every inquiry you may be disposed tomake."

  "Then, sir, to cut short all useless circumlocution, suffer me to ask atonce an explanation of the system of enumeration by which you indicateindividuals? You are called No. 22,817, brown-study color--"

  "Or Dr. Reasono. As you are an Englishman, you will perhaps understandme better if I refer to a recent practice of the new London police. Youmay have observed that the men wear letters in red or white, and numberson the capes of their coats. By the letters the passenger can refer tothe company of the officer, while the number indicates the individual.Now, the idea of this improvement came, I make no doubt, from oursystem, under which society is divided into castes, for the sake ofharmony and subordination, and these castes are designated by colorsand shades of colors that are significant of their stations andpursuits--the individual, as in the new police, being known by thenumber. Our own language being exceedingly sententious, is capableof expressing the most elaborate of these combinations in a very fewsounds. I should add that there is no difference in the manner ofdistinguishing the sexes, with the exception that each is numberedapart, and each has a counterpart color to that of the same caste inthe other sex. Thus purple and violet are both noble, the former beingmasculine and the latter feminine, and russet being the counterpart ofbrown-study color."

  "And--excuse my natural ardor to know more--and do you bear thesenumbers and colors marked on your attire in your own region?"

  "As for attire, Sir John, the monikins are too highly improved, mentallyand physically, to need any. It is known that in all cases extremesmeet. The savage is nearer to nature than the merely civilized being,and the creature that has passed the mystifications of a middle stateof improvement finds himself again approaching nearer to the habits, thewishes, and the opinions of our common mother. As the real gentleman ismore simple in manners than the distant imitator of his deportment; asfashions and habits are always more exaggerated in provincial townsthan in polished capitals; or as the profound philosopher has lesspretensions than the tyro, so does our common genus, as it draws nearerto the consummation of its destiny and its highest attainments, learnto reject the most valued usages of the middle condition, and to returnwith ardor towards nature as to a first love. It is on this principle,sir, that the monikin family never wear clothes."

  "I could not but perceive that the ladies have manifested someembarrassment ever since I entered--is it possible that their delicacyhas taken the alarm at the state of my toilet?"

  "At the toilet itself, Sir John, rather than at its state, if I mustspeak plainly. The female mind, trained as it is with us from infancyupwards in the habits and usages of nature, is shocked by anydeparture from her rules. You will know how to make allowances forthe squeamishness of the sex, for I believe it is much alike in thisparticular, let it come from what quarter of the earth it may."

  "I can only excuse the seeming want of politeness by my ignorance, Dr.Reasono. Before I ask another question the oversight shall be repaired.I must retire into my own chamber for an instant, gentlemen and ladies,and I beg you will find such sources of amusement as first offer until Ican return. There are nuts, I believe, in this closet; sugar is usuallykept on that table, and perhaps the ladies might find some relaxation byex
ercising themselves on the chairs. In a single moment I shall be withyou again."

  Hereupon I withdrew into my bed-chamber, and began to lay aside thedressing-gown as well as my shirt. Remembering, however, that I was buttoo liable to colds in the head, I returned to ask Dr. Reasono tostep in where I was for an instant. On mentioning the difficulty, thisexcellent person assumed the office of preparing his female friendsto overlook the slight innovation of my still wearing the nightcap andslippers.

  "The ladies would think nothing of it," the philosopher good-humoredlyremarked, by way of lessening my regrets at having wounded theirsensibilities, "were you even to appear in a military cloak and Hessianboots, provided it was not thought that you were of their acquaintanceand in their immediate society. I think you must have often remarkedamong the sex of your own species, who are frequently quite indifferentto nudities (their prejudices running counter to ours) that appear inthe streets, but which would cause them instantly to run out of theroom when exhibited in the person of an acquaintance; these conventionalasides being tolerated everywhere by a judicious concession ofpunctilios that might otherwise become insupportable."

  "The distinction is too reasonable to require another word ofexplanation, dear sir. Now let us rejoin the ladies, since I am atlength in some degree fit to be seen."

  I was rewarded for this bit of delicate attention by an approving smilefrom the lovely Chatterissa, and good Mistress Lynx no longer kept hereyes riveted on the floor, but bent them on me with looks of admirationand gratitude.

  "Now that this little contre-temps is no longer an obstacle," I resumed,"permit me to continue those inquiries which you have hitherto answeredwith so much amenity and so satisfactorily. As you have no clothes,in what manner is the parallel between your usage and that of the newLondon police practically completed?"

  "Although we have no clothes, nature, whose laws are never violated withimpunity, but who is as beneficent as she is absolute, has furnished uswith a downy covering to supply their places wherever clothes are neededfor comfort. We have coats that defy fashions, require no tailors, andnever lose their naps. But it would be inconvenient to be totally cladin this manner; and, therefore, the palms of the hands are, as you see,ungloved; the portions of the frame on which we seat ourselves areleft uncovered, most probably lest some inconvenience should arise fromtaking accidental and unfavorable positions. This is the part of themonikin frame the best adapted for receiving paint, and the numbers ofwhich I have spoken are periodically renewed there, at public officesappointed for that purpose. Our characters are so minute as to escapethe human eye; but by using that opera-glass, I make no doubt that youmay still see some of my own enregistration, although, alas! unusualfriction, great misery, and, I may say, unmerited wrongs, have nearlyun-monikined me in this, as well as in various other particulars."

  As Dr. Reasono had the complaisance to turn round, and to use his taillike the index of a black-board, by aid of the glass I very distinctlytraced the figures to which he alluded. Instead of being in paint,however, as he had given me reason to anticipate, they seemed to bebranded, or burnt in, indelibly, as we commonly mark horses, thieves,and negroes. On mentioning the fact to the philosopher, it was explainedwith his usual facility and politeness.

  "You are quite right, sir," he said; "the omission of paint was toprevent tautology, an offence against the simplicity of the monikindialect, as well as against monikin taste, that would have beensufficient, under our opinions, even to overturn the government."

  "Tautology!"

  "Tautology, Sir John; on examining the background of the picture, youwill perceive that it is already of a dusky, sombre hue; now, this beingof a meditative and grave character, has been denominated by our academythe 'brown-study color'; and it would clearly have been supererogatoryto lay the same tint upon it. No, sir; we avoid repetitions even in ourprayers, deeming them to be so many proofs of an illogical and of ananti-consecutive mind."

  "The system is admirable, and I see new beauties at each moment. Youenjoy the advantage, for instance, under this mode of enumeration, ofknowing your acquaintances from behind, quite as well as if you met themface to face!"

  "The suggestion is ingenious, showing an active and anobservant mind; but it does not quite reach the motive of thepolitico-numerical-identity system of which we are speaking. The objectsof this arrangement are altogether of a higher and more useful nature;nor do we usually recognize our friends by their countenances, which atthe best are no more than so many false signals, but by their tails."

  "This is admirable! What a facility you possess for recognizing anacquaintance who may happen to be up a tree! But may I presume toinquire, Dr. Reasono, what are the most approved of the advantages ofthe politico-numerical-identity system? For impatience is devouring myvitals."

  "They are connected with the interests of government. You know, sir,that society is established for the purposes of governments, andgovernments, themselves, mainly to facilitate contributions andtaxations. Now, by the numerical system, we have every opportunityof including the whole monikin race in the collections, as they areperiodically checked off by their numbers. The idea was a happy thoughtof an eminent statistician of ours, who gained great credit at courtby the invention, and, in fact, who was admitted to the academy inconsequence of its ingenuity."

  "Still it must be admitted, my dear Doctor," put in Lord Chatterino,always with the modesty, and, perhaps I might add, with the generosityof youth, "that there are some among us who deny that society wasmade for governments, and who maintain that governments were made forsociety; or, in other words, for monikins."

  "Mere theorists, my good lord; and their opinions, even if true, arenever practised on. Practice is everything in political matters; andtheories are of no use, except as they confirm practice."

  "Both theory and practice are perfect," I cried, "and I make no doubtthat the classification into colors, or castes, enables the authoritiesto commence the imposts with the richest, or the 'purples.'"

  "Sir, monikin prudence never lays the foundation-stone at the summit;it seeks the base of the edifice; and as contributions are the walls ofsociety, we commence with the bottom. When you shall know us better, SirJohn Goldencalf, you will begin to comprehend the beauty and benevolenceof the entire monikin economy."

  I now adverted to the frequent use of this word "monikin"; and,admitting my ignorance, desired an explanation of the term, as well as amore general insight into the origin, history, hopes, and polity of theinteresting strangers; if they can be so called who were already so wellknown to me. Dr. Reasono admitted that the request was natural andwas entitled to respect; but he delicately suggested the necessity ofsustaining the animal function by nutriment, intimating that theladies had supped but in an indifferent way the evening before, andacknowledging that, philosopher as he was, he should go through thedesired explanations after improving the slight acquaintance he hadalready made with certain condiments in one of the armoires, with farmore zeal and point, than could possibly be done in the present stateof his appetite. The suggestion was so very plausible that there was noresisting it; and, suppressing my curiosity as well as I could, the bellwas rung. I retired to my bed-chamber to resume so much of my attire aswas necessary to the semi-civilization of man, and then the necessaryorders were given to the domestics, who, by the way, were suffered toremain under the influence of those ordinary and vulgar prejudicesthat are pretty generally entertained by the human, against the monikinfamily.

  Previously to separating from my new friend Dr. Reasono, however, I tookhim aside, and stated that I had an acquaintance in the hotel, a personof singular philosophy, after the human fashion, and a great traveller;and that I desired permission to let him into the secret of our intendedlecture on the monikin economy, and to bring him with me as an auditor.To this request, No. 22,817, brown-study color, or Dr. Reasono, gavea very cordial assent; hinting delicately, at the same time, hisexpectation that this new auditor, who, of course, was no other thanCaptain Noah Poke, w
ould not deem it disparaging to his manhood, toconsult the sensibilities of the ladies, by appearing in the garmentsof that only decent and respectable tailor and draper, nature. To thissuggestion I gave a ready approval; when each went his way, after theusual salutations of bowing and tail-waving, with a mutual promise ofbeing punctual to the appointment.