The Monikins

  CHAPTER XVII. NEW LORDS, NEW LAWS--GYRATION, ROTATION, AND ANOTHERNATION; ALSO AN INVITATION.

  I felt that my situation had now become exceedingly peculiar. It is truethat my modesty had been unexpectedly spared, by the very ingenious turnDr. Reasono had given to the history of our connection with eachother; but I could not see that I had gained any other advantage by theexpedient. All my own species had, in a sense, cut me; and I was obligedto turn despondingly, and not without humiliation, towards the inn,where the banquet ordered by Mr. Poke waited our appearance.

  I had reached the great square, when a tap on the knee drew my attentionto one at my side. The applicant for notice was a monikin, who had allthe physical peculiarities of a subject of Leaphigh, and yet, who wasto be distinguished from most of the inhabitants of that country, bya longer and less cultivated nap to his natural garment, greatershrewdness about the expression of the eyes and the mouth, a generalair of business, and, for a novelty, a bob-cauda. He was accompanied bypositively the least well-favored being of the species I had yet seen. Iwas addressed by the former.

  "Good morning, Sir John Goldencalf," he commenced, with a sort of jerk,that I afterwards learned was meant for a diplomatic salutation; "youhave not met with the very best treatment to-day, and I have beenwaiting for a good opportunity to make my condolences, and to offer myservices."

  "Sir, you are only too good. I do feel a little wronged, and, I mustsay, sympathy is most grateful to my feelings. You will, however, allowme to express my surprise at your being acquainted with my real name, aswell as with my misfortunes?"

  "Why, sir, to own the truth, I belong to an examining people. Thepopulation is very much scattered in my country, and we have fallen intoa practice of inquiry that is very natural to such a state of things. Ithink you must have observed that in passing along a common highway, yourarely meet another without a nod; while thousands are met in a crowdedstreet without even a glance of the eye. We develop this principle, sir;and never let any fact escape us for the want of a laudable curiosity."

  "You are not a subject of Leaphigh, then?"

  "God forbid! No, sir, I am a citizen of Leaplow, a great and a gloriousrepublic that lies three days' sail from this island; a new nation,which is in the enjoyment of all the advantages of youth and vigor,and which is a perfect miracle for the boldness of its conceptions, thepurity of its institutions, and its sacred respect for the rights ofmonikins. I have the honor to be, moreover, the envoy-extraordinaryand minister-plenipotentiary of the republic to the king of Leaphigh,a nation from which we originally sprung, but which we have left farbehind us in the race of glory and usefulness. I ought to acquaint youwith my name, sir, in return for the advantage I possess on this head,in relation to yourself."

  Hereupon my new acquaintance put into my hand one of his visiting-cards,which contained as follows:--

  General-Commodore-Judge-Colonel PEOPLE'S FRIEND:

  Envoy-Extraordinary and Minister-Plenipotentiary from the Republic ofLeaplow, near his Majesty the King of Leaphigh.

  "Sir," said I, pulling off my hat with a profound reverence, "I was notaware to whom I had the honor of speaking. You appear to fill a varietyof employments, and I make no doubt, with equal skill."

  "Yes, sir, I believe I am about as good at one of my professions as atanother."

  "You will permit me to observe, however, General--a--a Judge--a--a--Iscarcely know, dear sir, which of these titles is the most to yourtaste?"

  "Use which you please, sir--I began with General, but had got as low asColonel before I left home. People's Friend is the only appellation ofwhich I am at all tenacious. Call me People's Friend, sir, and you maycall me anything else you find most convenient."

  "Sir, you are only too obliging. May I venture to ask if you havereally, propria persona, filled all these different stations in life?"

  "Certainly, sir--I hope you do not mistake me for an impostor!"

  "As far from it as possible.--But a judge and a commodore, for instance,are characters whose duties are so utterly at variance in human affairs,that I will allow I find the conjunction, even in a monikin, a littleextraordinary."

  "Not at all, sir. I was duly elected to each, served my time out in themall, and have honorable discharges to show in every instance."

  "You must have found some perplexity in the performance of duties sovery different?"

  "Ah--I see you have been long enough in Leaphigh to imbibe some of itsprejudices! It is a sad country for prejudice. I got my foot mired insome of them myself, as soon as it touched the land. Why sir, my card isan illustration of what we call, in Leaplow, rotation in office."

  "Rotation in office!"

  "Yes, sir, rotation in office; a system that we invented for ourpersonal convenience, and which is likely to be firm, as it depends onprinciples that are eternal."

  "Will you suffer me to inquire, colonel, if it has any affinity to thesocial-stake system?"

  "Not in the least. That, as I understand it, is a stationary, whilethis is a rotatory system. Nothing is simpler. We have in Leaplow twoenormous boxes made in the form of wheels. Into one we put the names ofthe citizens, and into the other the names of the offices. We thendraw forth, in the manner of a lottery, and the thing is settled for atwelvemonth."

  "I find this rotatory plan exceedingly simple--pray, sir, does it workas well as it promises?"

  "To perfection.--We grease the wheels, of course, periodically."

  "And are not frauds sometimes committed by those who are selected todraw the tickets?"

  "Oh! they are chosen precisely in the same way."

  "But those who draw THEIR tickets?"

  "All rotatory--they are drawn exactly on the same principle."

  "But there must be a beginning. Those, again, who draw THEIRtickets--they may betray their trusts?"

  "Impossible--THEY are always the most patriotic patriots of the land!No, no, sir--we are not such dunces as to leave anything to corruption.Chance does it all. Chance makes me a commodore to-day--a judgeto-morrow. Chance makes the lottery boys, and chance makes the patriots.It is necessary to see in order to understand how much purer and usefulis your chance patriot, for instance, than one that is bred to thecalling."

  "Why, this savors, after all, of the doctrine of descents, which islittle more than matter of chance."

  "It would be so, sir, I confess, were it not that our chances centre ina system of patriots. Our approved patriots are our guarantees againstabuses--"

  "Hem!"--interrupted the companion of Commodore People's Friend, with anawkward distinctness, as if to recall himself to our recollection.

  "Sir John, I crave pardon for great remissness--allow me to present myfellow-citizen, Brigadier Downright, a gentleman who is on his travels,like yourself; and as excellent a fellow as is to be found in the wholemonikin region."

  "Brigadier Downright, I crave the honor of your acquaintance.--But,gentlemen, I too have been sadly negligent of politeness. A banquet thathas cost a hundred promises is waiting my appearance; and, as some ofthe expected guests are unavoidably absent, if you would favor me withyour excellent society, we might spend an agreeable hour, in the furtherdiscussion of these important interests."

  As neither of the strangers made the smallest objection to theproposal, we were all soon comfortably situated at the dinner-table. Thecommodore, who, it would seem, was habitually well fed, merely paida little complimentary attention to the banquet; but Mr. Downrightattacked it tooth and nail, and I had no great reason to regret theabsence of Mr. Poke. In the meantime, the conversation did not flag.

  "I think I understand the outline of your system, Judge People'sFriend," I resumed, "with the exception of the part that relates to thepatriots. Would it be asking too much to request a little explanation onthat particular point?"

  "Not in the least, sir. Our social arrangement is founded on a hint fromnature; a base, as you will concede, that is broad enough to sustaina universe. As a people, we are a hive that formerly swarmed fromLeaphig
h; and finding ourselves free and independent, we set aboutforthwith building the social system on not only a sure foundation,but on sure principles. Observing that nature dealt in duplicates, wepursued the hint, as the leading idea--"

  "In duplicates, commodore!"

  "Certainly, Sir John--a monikin has two eyes two ears, two nostrils, twolungs, two arms, two hands, two legs, two feet, and so on to the endof the chapter. On this hint, we ordered that there should be drawn,morally, in every district of Leaplow, two distinct and separate lines,that should run at right angles to each other. These were termed the'political landmarks' of the country; and it was expected that everycitizen should range himself along one or the other. All this you willunderstand, however, was a moral contrivance, not a physical one."

  "Is the obligation of this moral contrivance imperative?"

  "Not legally, it is true; but then, he who does not respect it is likeone who is out of fashion, and he is so generally esteemed a poor devil,that the usage has a good deal more than the force of a law. At first,it was intended to make it a part of the constitution; but one of ourmost experienced statesmen so clearly demonstrated that, by so doing, weshould not only weaken the nature of the obligation, but most probablyraise a party against it, that the idea was abandoned. Indeed, ifanything, both the letter and the spirit of the fundamental law havebeen made to lean a little against the practice; but having beencleverly introduced, in the way of construction, it is now bone ofour bone, and flesh of our flesh. Well, sir, these two great politicallandmarks being fairly drawn, the first effort of one who aspires tobe thought a patriot is to acquire the practice of 'toeing the mark'promptly and with facility. But should I illustrate my positions by afew experiments, you might comprehend the subject all the better.--Forthough, in fact, the true evolutions are purely moral, as I have justhad the honor to explain, yet we have instituted a physical parallelthat is very congenial to our habits, with which the neophyte alwayscommences."

  Here the commodore took a bit of chalk and drew two very distinct lines,crossing each other at right angles, through the centre of the room.When this was done, he placed his feet together, and then he invited meto examine if it were possible to see any part of the planks betweenthe extremities of his toes and the lines. After a rigid look, I wascompelled to confess it was not.

  "This is what we call 'toeing the mark'; it is social position, No. 1.Almost every citizen gets to be expert in practising it, on one or theother of the two great political lines. After this, he who wouldpush his fortunes further, commences his career on the great rotatoryprinciple."

  "Your pardon, commodore, we call the word rotary, in English."

  "Sir, it is not expressive enough for our meaning; and therefore we termit 'rotatory.' I shall now give you an example of position No. 2."

  Here the commodore made a spring, throwing his body, as a soldier wouldexpress it, to the "right about," bringing, at the same time, his feetentirely on the other side of the line; always rigidly toeing the mark.

  "Sir," said I, "this was extremely well done; but is this evolution asuseful as certainly it is dexterous?"

  "It has the advantage of changing front, Sir John; a manoeuvre quite asuseful in politics as in war. Most all in the line get to practisethis, too, as my friend Downright, there, could show you, were he sodisposed."

  "I don't like to expose my flanks, or my rear, more than another,"growled the brigadier.

  "If agreeable, I will now show you gyration 2d, or position No. 3."

  On my expressing a strong desire to see it, the commodore put himselfagain in position No. 1; and then he threw what Captain Poke was in thehabit of calling a "flap-jack," or a summerset; coming down in a waytenaciously to toe the mark.

  I was much gratified with the dexterity of the commodore, and franklyexpressed as much; inquiring, at the same time, if many attained tothe same skill. Both the commodore and the brigadier laughed at thesimplicity of the question; the former answering that the people ofLeaplow were exceedingly active and adventurous, and both lines had gotto be so expert, that, at the word of command, they would throw theirsummersets in as exact time, and quite as promptly, as a regiment ofguards would go through the evolution of slapping their cartridge-boxes.

  "What, sir," I exclaimed, in admiration, "the entire population!"

  "Virtually, sir. There is, now and then, a stumbler; but he is instantlykicked out of sight, and uniformly counts for nothing."

  "But as yet, commodore, your evolutions are altogether too general toadmit of the chance selection of patriots, since patriotism is usually amonopoly."

  "Very true, Sir John; I shall therefore come to the main point withoutdelay. Thus far, it is pretty much an affair of the whole population,as you say; few refusing to toe the mark, or to throw the necessaryflap-jacks, as you have ingeniously termed them. The lines, as you mayperceive, cross each other at right angles; and there is consequentlysome crowding, and occasionally, a good deal of jostling, at and nearthe point of junction. We begin to term a monikin a patriot when he canperform this evolution."

  Here the commodore threw his heels into the air with such rapidity thatI could not very well tell what he was about, though it was sufficientlyapparent that he was acting entirely on the rotatory principle. Iobserved that he alighted, with singular accuracy, on the very spotwhere he had stood before, toeing the mark with beautiful precision.

  "That is what we call gyration 3d, or position No. 4. He who can executeit is considered an adept in our politics; and he invariably takes hisposition near the enemy, or at the junction of the hostile lines."

  "How, sir, are these lines, then, manned as they are with citizens ofthe same country, deemed hostile?"

  "Are cats and dogs hostile, sir?--Certainly. Although standing, as itmight be, face to face, acting on precisely the same principle, or therotatory impulse, and professing to have exactly the same object inview, viz., the common good, they are social, political, and I mightalmost say, the moral antipodes of each other. They rarely intermarry,never extol, and frequently refuse to speak to one another. In short,as the brigadier could tell you, if he were so disposed, they areantagonist, body and soul. To be plain, sir, they are enemies."

  "This is very extraordinary for fellow-citizens!"

  "'Tis the monikin nature," observed Mr. Downright; "no doubt, sir, menare much wiser?"

  As I did not wish to divert the discourse from the present topic, Imerely bowed to this remark, and begged the judge to proceed.

  "Well, sir," continued the latter, "you can easily imagine that they whoare placed near the point where the two lines meet, have no sinecures.To speak the truth, they blackguard each other with all their abilities,he who manifests the most inventive genius in this high accomplishment,being commonly thought the cleverest fellow. Now, sir, none but apatriot could, in the nature of things, endure this without some othermotive than his country's good, and so we esteem them."

  "But the most patriotic patriots, commodore?"

  The minister of Leaphigh now toed the mark again, placing himself withina few feet of the point of junction between the two lines, and then hebegged me to pay particular attention to his evolution. When all wasready, the commodore threw himself, as it were, invisibly into the air,again head over heels, so far as I could discover, and alighted on theantagonist line, toeing the mark with a most astonishing particularity.It was a clever gyration, beyond a doubt; and the performer lookedtowards me, as if inviting commendation.

  "Admirably executed, judge, and in a way to induce one to believe thatyou must have paid great attention to the practice."

  "I have performed this manoeuvre, Sir John, five times in real life; andmy claim to be a patriotic patriot is founded on its invariable success.A single false step might have ruined me; but as you say, practice makesperfect, and perfection is the parent of success."

  "And yet I do not rightly understand how so sudden a desertion of one'sown side, to go over in this active manner head over heels, I maysay, to another side, c
onstitutes a fair claim to be deemed so pure acharacter as that of a patriot."

  "What, sir, is not he who throws himself defencelessly into the verymiddle of the ranks of the enemy, the hero of the combat? Now, as thisis a political struggle, and not a warlike struggle, but one in whichthe good of the country is alone uppermost, the monikin who thusmanifests the greatest devotion to the cause, must be the purestpatriot. I give you my honor, sir, all my own claims are foundedentirely on this particular merit."

  "He is right, Sir John; you may believe every word he says," observedthe brigadier, nodding.

  "I begin to understand your system, which is certainly well adaptedto the monikin habits, and must give rise to a noble emulation inthe practice of the rotatory principle. But I understood you to say,colonel, that the people of Leaplow are from the hive of Leaphigh?"

  "Just so, sir."

  "How happens it, then, that you dock yourselves of the nobler member,while the inhabitants of this country cherish it as the apple of theeye--nay, as the seat of reason itself?"

  "You allude to our tails?--Why, sir, nature has dealt out theseornaments with a very unequal hand, as you may perceive on looking outof the window. We agree that the tail is the seat of reason, and thatthe extremities are the most intellectual parts; but, as governmentsare framed to equalize these natural inequalities, we denounce them asanti-republican. The law requires, therefore, that every citizen, onattaining his majority, shall be docked agreeably to a standard measurethat is kept in each district. Without some such expedient, there mightbe an aristocracy of intellect among us, and there would be an end ofour liberties. This is the qualification of a voter, too, and of coursewe all seek to obtain it."

  Here the brigadier leaned across the table and whispered that agreat patriot, on a most trying occasion, had succeeded in throwinga summerset out of his own into the antagonist line, and that, as hecarried with him all the sacred principles for which his party had beenfuriously contending for many years, he had been unceremoniously draggedback by his tail, which unfortunately came within reach of those quondamfriends on whom he had turned his back; and that the law had, in truth,been passed in the interests of the patriots. He added, that the lawfulmeasure allowed a longer stump than was commonly used; but that it wasconsidered underbred for any one to wear a dock that reached more thantwo inches and three quarters of an inch into society, and that most oftheir political aspirants, in particular, chose to limit themselves toone inch and one quarter of an inch, as a proof of excessive humility.

  Thanking Mr. Downright for his clear and sensible explanation, theconversation was resumed.

  "I had thought, as your institutions are founded on reason and nature,judge," I continued, "that you would be more disposed ta cultivatethis member than to mutilate it; and this the more especially, asI understand all monikins believe it to be the very quintessence ofreason."

  "No doubt, sir; we do cultivate our tails, but it is on the vegetableprinciple, or as the skilful gardener lops the branch that it may throwout more vigorous shoots. It is true, we do not expect to see the tailitself sprouting out anew; but then we look to the increase of itsreason, and to its more general diffusion in society. The extremities ofour cauda, as fast as they are lopped, are sent to a great intellectualmill, where the mind is extracted from the matter, and the former issold, on public account, to the editors of the daily journals. Thisis the reason our Leaplow journalists are so distinguished for theiringenuity and capacity, and the reason, too, why they so faithfullyrepresent the average of the Leaplow knowledge."

  "And honesty, you ought to add," growled the brigadier.

  "I see the beauty of the system, judge, and very beautiful it is! Thisessence of lopped tails represents the average of Leaplow brains, beinga compound of all the tails in the country; and, as a daily journal isaddressed to the average intellect of the community, there is a singularfitness between the readers and the readees. To complete my stock ofinformation on this head, however, will you just allow me toinquire what is the effect of this system on the totality of Leaplowintelligence?"

  "Wonderful! As we are a commonwealth, it is necessary to have a unityof sentiment on all leading matters, and by thus compounding all theextremes of our reasons we get what is called 'public opinion'; whichpublic opinion is uttered through the public journals--"

  "And a most patriotic patriot is always chosen to be the inspector ofthe mill," interrupted the brigadier.

  "Better and better! you send all the finer parts of your severalintellects to be ground up and kneaded together; the compound is sold tothe journalists, who utter it anew, as the results of the united wisdomof the country--"

  "Or, as public opinion. We make great account of reason in all ouraffairs, invariably calling ourselves the most enlightened nation onearth; but then we are especially averse to anything like an insulatedeffort of the mind, which is offensive, anti-republican, aristocraticand dangerous. We put all our trust in this representation of brains,which is singularly in accordance with the fundamental base of oursociety, as you must perceive."

  "We are a commercial people, too," put in the brigadier; "and being muchaccustomed to the laws of insurance, we like to deal in averages."

  "Very true, brother Downright, very true; we are particularly averse toanything like inequality. Ods zooks! it is almost as great an offencefor a monikin to know more than his neighbors, as it is for him to acton his own impulses. No--no--we are truly a free and an independentcommonwealth, and we hold every citizen as amenable to public opinion,in all he does, says, thinks, or wishes."

  "Pray, sir, do both of the two great political lines send their tails tothe same mills, and respect the same general sentiments?"

  "No, sir; we have two public opinions in Leaplow."

  "TWO public opinions!"

  "Certainly, sir; the horizontal and the perpendicular."

  "This infers a most extraordinary fertility of thought, and one that Ihold to be almost impossible!"

  Here the commodore and the brigadier incontinently both laughed as hardas they could; and that, too, directly in my face.

  "Dear me, Sir John--why, my dear Sir John! you are really the drollestcreature!"--gasped the judge, holding his sides--"the very funniestquestion I have ev--ev--ever encountered!" He now stopped to wipe hiseyes; after which he was better able to express himself. "The samepublic opinion, forsooth!--Dear me--dear me, that I should not have mademyself understood!--I commenced, my good Sir John, by telling you thatwe deal in duplicates, on a hint from nature; and that we act on therotatory principle. In obedience to the first, we have always two publicopinions; and, although the great political landmarks are drawn in whatmay be called a stationary sense, they, too, are in truth rotatory.One, which is thought to lie parallel to the fundamental law, or theconstitutional meridian of the country, is termed the horizontal, andthe other the perpendicular line. Now, as nothing is really stationaryin Leaplow, these two great landmarks are always acting, likewise, onthe rotatory principle, changing places periodically; the perpendicularbecoming the horizontal, and vice versa; they who toe their respectivemarks, necessarily taking new views of things as they vary the line ofsight. These great revolutions are, however, very slow, and are quite asimperceptible to those who accompany them, as are the revolutions of ourplanet to its inhabitants."

  "And the gyrations of the patriots, of which the judge has just nowspoken," added the brigadier, "are much the same as the eccentricmovements of the comets that embellish the solar system, withoutderanging it by their uncertain courses."

  "No, sir, we should be poorly off, indeed, if we had but ONE publicopinion," resumed the judge. "Ecod, I do not know what would become ofthe most patriotic patriots in such a dilemma!"

  "Pray, sir, let me ask, as you draw for places, if you have as manyplaces as there are citizens?"

  "Certainly, sir. Our places are divided, firstly, into the two greatsubdivisions of the 'inner' and the 'outer.' Those who toe the mark onthe most popular line occupy the former, an
d those who toe the mark onthe least popular line take all the rest, as a matter of course. Thefirst, however, it is necessary to explain, are the only places worthhaving. As great care is had to keep the community pretty nearly equallydivided--"

  "Excuse the interruption--but in what manner is this effected?"

  "Why, as only a certain number can toe the mark, we count all those whoare not successful in getting up to the line, as outcasts; and, afterfruitlessly hanging about our skirts for a time, they invariably goover to the other line; since it is better to be first in a village thansecond in Rome. We thus keep up something like an equilibrium in thestate, which, as you must know, is necessary to liberty. The minoritytake the outer places, and all the inner are left to the majority. Thencomes another subdivision of the places; that is to say, one divisionis formed of the honorary, and another of the profitable places. Thehonorary, or about nine-tenths of all the inner places, are divided,with great impartiality, among the mass of those who have toed the markon the strongest side, and who usually are satisfied with the glory ofthe victory. The names of the remainder are put into the wheels to bedrawn for against the prizes, on the rotatory principle."

  "And the patriots, sir;--are they included in this chance medley?"

  "Far from it. As a reward for their dangers, they have a little wheel tothemselves, although they, also, are compelled to submit to the rotatoryprinciple. Their cases differ from those of the others, merely in thefact that they always get something."

  I would gladly have pursued the conversation, which was opening a floodof light upon my political understanding; but just then, a fellow withthe air of a footman entered, carrying a packet tied to the end of hiscauda. Turning round, he presented his burden, with profound respect,and withdrew. I found that the packet contained three notes with thefollowing addresses:

  "To His Royal Highness Bob, Prince of Wales, etc., etc., etc."

  "To My Lord High Admiral Poke, etc., etc., etc."

  "To Master Goldencalf, Clerk, etc., etc., etc."

  Apologizing to my guests, the seal of my own note was eagerly opened. Itread as follows:

  "The Right Honorable the Earl of Chatterino, lord of the bed-chamber inwaiting on his majesty, informs Master John Goldencalf, clerk, that heis commanded to attend the drawing-room, this evening, when the nuptialceremony will take place between the Earl of Chatterino and the LadyChatterissa, the first maid of honor to Her Majesty the Queen.

  "N. B. The gentlemen will appear full dress."

  On explaining the contents of my note to the judge, he informed me thathe was aware of the approaching ceremony, as he had also an invitationto be present, in his official character. I begged, as a particularfavor, England having no representative at Leaphigh, that he would dome the honor to present me, in his capacity of a foreign minister.The envoy made no sort of objection, and I inquired as to the costumenecessary to be observed; as, so far as I had seen, it was good-breedingat Leaphigh to go naked. The envoy had the goodness to explain, that,although, in point of mere attire, clothing was extremely offensive tothe people of both Leaphigh and Leaplow, yet, in the former country, noone could present himself at court, foreign ministers excepted, withouta cauda. As soon as we understood each other on these points, weseparated, with an understanding that I was to be in readiness (togetherwith my companions, of whose interest I had not been forgetful) toattend the envoy and the brigadier, when they should call for me, at anhour that was named.