The Monikins

  CHAPTER XXIII. POLITICAL BOUNDARIES--POLITICAL RIGHTS--POLITICALSELECTIONS, AND POLITICAL DISQUISITIONS; WITH POLITICAL RESULTS.

  The aquatic mile-stones of the monikin seas have been already mentioned;but I believe I omitted to say, that there was a line of demarcationdrawn in the water, by means of a similar invention, to point outthe limits of the jurisdiction of each state. Thus, all within thesewater-marks was under the laws of Leaphigh; all between them and thoseof some other country, was the high seas; and all within those ofthe other country, Leaplow for instance, was under the exclusivejurisdiction of that other country.

  With a favorable wind, the Walrus could run to the watermarks in abouthalf a day; from thence to the water-marks of Leaplow was two days'sail, and another half day was necessary to reach our haven. As wedrew near the legal frontiers of Leaphigh, several small fast-sailingschooners were seen hovering just without the jurisdiction of the king,quite evidently waiting our approach. One boarded us, just as the outeredge of the spanker-boom got clear of the Leaphigh sovereignty. JudgePeople's Friend rushed to the side of the ship, and before the crew ofthe boat could get on deck, he had ascertained that the usual number ofprizes had been put into the little wheel.

  A monikin in a bob of a most pronounced character, or which appeared tohave been subjected to the second amputation, being what is called inLeaplow a bob-upon-bob, now approached, and inquired if there wereany emigrants on board. He was made acquainted with our characters andobjects. When he understood that our stay would most likely be short, hewas evidently a little disappointed.

  "Perhaps, gentlemen," he added, "you may still remain long enough tomake naturalization desirable?"

  "It is always agreeable to be at home in foreign countries--but arethere no legal objections?"

  "I see none, sir--you have no tails, I believe?"

  "None but what are in our trunks. I did not know, however, but thecircumstance of our being of a different species might throw someobstacles in the way."

  "None in the world, sir. We act on principles much too liberal for sonarrow an objection. You are but little acquainted with the institutionsand policy of our beloved and most happy country, I see, sir. This isnot Leaphigh, nor Leapup, nor Leapdown, nor Leapover, nor Leapthrough,nor Leapunder; but good old, hearty, liberal, free and independent, mostbeloved, happy, and prosperous beyond example, Leaplow. Species is ofno account under our system. We would as soon naturalize one animal asanother, provided it be a republican animal. I see no deficiency aboutany of you. All we ask is certain general principles. You go on twolegs--"

  "So do turkeys, sir."

  "Very true--but you have no feathers."

  "Neither has a donkey."

  "All very right, gentlemen--you do not bray, however."

  "I will not answer for that," put in the captain, sending his legforwards in a straight line, in a way to raise an outcry in Bob, thatalmost upset the Leaplower's proposition.

  "At all events, gentlemen," he observed, "there is a test that will putthe matter at rest, at once."

  He then desired us, in turn, to pronounce the word "our"--"OURliberties"--"OUR country"--"OUR firesides"--"OUR altars," Whoeverexpressed a wish to be naturalized, and could use this word in theproper manner, and in the proper place, was entitled to be a citizen. Weall did very well but the second mate, who, being a Herefordshire man,could not, for the life of him, get any nearer to the Doric, in thelatter shibboleth, than "our halters." Now, it would seem that, incarrying out a great philanthropic principle in Leaplow, halters hadbeen proscribed; for, whenever a rogue did anything amiss, it had beendiscovered that, instead of punishing him for the offence, the trueway to remedy the evil was to punish the society against which he hadoffended. By this ingenious turn, society was naturally made to look outsharp how it permitted any one to offend it. This excellent idea islike that of certain Dutchmen, who, when they cut themselves with an ax,always apply salve and lint to the cruel steel, and leave the wound toheal as fast as possible.

  To return to our examination: we all passed but the second mate, whohung in his halter, and was pronounced to be incorrigible. Certificatesof naturalization were delivered on the spot, the fees were paid, andthe schooner left us.

  That night it blew a gale, and we had no more visitors until thefollowing morning. As the sun rose, however, we fell in with threeschooners, under the Leaplow flag, all of which seemed bound on errandsof life or death. The first that reached us sent a boat on board, and acommittee of six bob-upon-bobs hurried up our sides, and lost no time inintroducing themselves. I shall give their own account of their businessand characters.

  It would seem that they were what is called a "nominating committee"of the Horizontals, for the City of Bivouac, the port to which we werebound, where an election was about to take place for members of thegreat National Council. Bivouac was entitled to send seven members;and having nominated themselves, the committee were now in quest ofa seventh candidate to fill the vacancy. In order to secure thenaturalized interests, it had been determined to select as new a comeras possible. This would also be maintaining the principle of liberality,in the abstract. For this reason they had been cruising for a week, asnear as the law would allow to the Leaphigh boundaries, and they werenow ready to take any one who would serve.

  To this proposition I again objected the difference of species. Herethey all fairly laughed in my face, Brigadier Downright included, givingme very distinctly to understand that they thought I had very contractednotions on matters and things, to suppose so trifling an obstacle coulddisturb the harmony and unity of a Horizontal vote. They went for aprinciple, and the devil himself could not make them swerve from thepursuit of so sacred an object.

  I then candidly admitted that nature had not fitted me, as admirably asit had fitted my friend the judge, for the throwing of summersets; and Ifeared that when the order was given "to go to the right about," I mightbe found no better than a bungler. This staggered them a little; and Iperceived that they looked at each other in doubt.

  "But you can, at least, turn round suddenly, at need?" one of themasked, after a pause.

  "Certainly, sir," I answered, giving ocular evidence that I was no idleboaster, making a complete gyration on my heels, in very good time.

  "Very well!--admirably well!" they all cried in a breath. "The greatpolitical essential is to be able to perform the evolutions in theiressence--the facility with which they are performed being no more than apersonal merit."

  "But, gentlemen, I know little more of your constitution and laws, thanI have learned in a few broken discussions with my fellow-travellers."

  "This is a matter of no moment, sir. Our constitution, unlike that ofLeaphigh, is written down, and he who runs can read; and then we havea political fugleman in the house, who saves an immense deal ofunnecessary study and reflection to the members. All you will have todo, will be to watch his movements; and, my life on it, you will go aswell through the manual exercise as the oldest member there."

  "How, sir, do all the members take the manoeuvres from this fugleman?"

  "All the Horizontals, sir--the Perpendiculars having a fugleman of theirown."

  "Well, gentlemen, I conceive this to be an affair in which I am nojudge, and I put myself entirely in the hands of my friends."

  This answer met with much commendation, and manifested, as they allprotested, great political capabilities; the statesman who submittedall to his friends never failing to rise to eminence in Leaplow. Thecommittee took my name in writing and hastened back to their schooner,in order to get into port to promulgate the nomination. These personswere hardly off the deck, before another party came up the opposite sideof the ship. They announced themselves to be a nominating committee ofthe Perpendiculars, on exactly the same errand as their opponents. They,too, wished to propitiate the foreign interests, and were in search ofa proper candidate. Captain Poke had been an attentive listener to allthat occurred during the circumstances that preceded my nomination; andhe now stepped promptly fo
rward, and declared his readiness to serve. Asthere was quite as little squeamishness on one side as on the other, andthe Perpendicular committee, as it owned itself, was greatly pressed fortime, the Horizontals having the start of them, the affair was arrangedin five minutes, and the strangers departed with the name of NOAHPOKE, THE TRIED PATRIOT, THE PROFOUND JURIST, AND THE HONEST MONIKIN,handsomely placarded on a large board--all but the name having beencarefully prepared in advance.

  When the committee were fairly out of the ship, Noah look me aside,and made his apologies for opposing me in this important election. Hisreasons were numerous and ingenious, and, as usual, a little discursive.They might be summed up as follows: He never had sat in a parliament,and he was curious to know how it would feel; it would increase therespect of the ship's company, to find their commander of so muchaccount in a strange port; he had had some experience at Stunnin'tun byreading the newspapers, and he didn't doubt of his abilities at all,a circumstance that rarely failed of making a good legislator; thecongressman in his part of the country was some such man as himself, andwhat was good for the goose was good for the gander; he knew Miss Pokewould be pleased to hear he had been chosen; he wondered if he shouldbe called the Honorable Noah Poke, and whether he should receive eightdollars a day, and mileage from the spot where the ship then was; thePerpendiculars might count on him, for his word was as good as his bond;as for the constitution, he had got on under the constitution athome, and he believed a man who could do that might get on under anyconstitution; he didn't intend to say a great deal in parliament, butwhat he did say he hoped might be recorded for the use of his children;together with a great deal more of the same sort of argumentation andapology.

  The third schooner now brought us to. This vessel sent anothercommittee, who announced themselves to be the representatives of a partythat was termed the Tangents. They were not numerous, but sufficientlyso to hold the balance whenever the Horizontals and the Perpendicularscrossed each other directly at right angles, as was the case at present;and they had now determined to run a single candidate of their own.They, too, wished to fortify themselves by the foreign interest, as wasnatural, and had come out in quest of a proper person. I suggested thefirst mate; but against this Noah protested, declaring that come whatwould, the ship must on no account be deserted. Time pressed; and, whilethe captain and the subordinate were hotly disputing the propriety ofpermitting the latter to serve, Bob, who had already tasted the sweetsof political importance, in his assumed character of prince-royal,stepped slyly up to the committee, and gave in his name. Noah was toomuch occupied to discover this well-managed movement; and by the time hehad sworn to throw the mate overboard if he did not instantly relinquishall ambitious projects of this nature, he found that the Tangents wereoff. Supposing they had gone to some other vessel, the captain allowedhimself to be soothed, and all went on smoothly again.

  From this time until we anchored in the bay of Bivouac, the tranquillityand discipline of the Walrus were undisturbed. I improved the occasionto study the constitution of Leaplow, of which the judge had a copy,and to glean such information from my companions as I believed mightbe useful in my future career. I thought how pleasant it would be for aforeigner to teach the Leaplowers their own laws, and to explain to themthe application of their own principles! Little, however, was to begot from the judge, who was just then too much occupied with somecalculations concerning the chances of the little wheel, with which hehad been furnished by a leading man of one of the nominating committees.

  I now questioned the brigadier touching that peculiar usage of hiscountry which rendered Leaphigh opinions concerning the Leaplowinstitutions, society, and manners of so much value in the market of thelatter. To this I got but an indifferent answer, except it was to say,that his countrymen, having cleared the interests connected with thesubjects from the rubbish of time, and set everything at work, onthe philosophical basis of reason and common sense, were exceedinglydesirous of knowing what other people thought of the success of theexperiment.

  "I expect to see a nation of sages, I can assure you, brigadier; onein which even the very children are profoundly instructed in the greattruths of your system; and, as to the monikinas, I am not without dreadof bringing my theoretical ignorance in collision with their greatpractical knowledge of the principles of your government."

  "They are early fed on political pap."

  "No doubt, sir, no doubt. How different must they be from the females ofother countries! Deeply imbued with the great distinctive principlesof your system, devoted to the education of their children in the samesublime truths, and indefatigable in their discrimination, among themeanest of their households!"

  "Hum!"

  "Now, sir, even in England, a country which I trust is not the mostdebased on earth, you will find women, beautiful, intellectual,accomplished and patriotic, who limit their knowledge of thesefundamental points to a zeal for a clique, and the whole of whoseeloquence on great national questions is bounded by a few heartfeltwishes for the downfall of their opponents;--"

  "It is very much so at Stunnin'tun, too, if truth must be spoken,"remarked Noah, who had been a listener.

  "Who, instead of instructing the young suckers that cling to their sidesin just notions of general social distinctions, nurture their youngantipathies with pettish philippics against some luckless chief of theadverse party;--"

  "Tis pretty much the same at Stunnin'tun, as I live!"

  "Who rarely study the great lessons of history in order to point out tothe future statesmen and heroes of the empire the beacons of crime, theincentives for public virtue, or the charters of their liberties; butwho are indefatigable in echoing the cry of the hour, however false orvulgar, and who humanize their attentive offspring by softly expressedwishes that Mr. Canning, or some other frustrator of the designs oftheir friends, were fairly hanged!"

  "Stunnin'tun, all over!"

  "Beings that are angels in form--soft, gentle, refined, and tearfulas the evening with its dews, when there is a question of humanity orsuffering; but who seem strangely transformed into she-tigers, wheneverany but those of whom they can approve attain to power; and who, insteadof entwining their soft arms around their husbands and brothers, torestrain them from the hot strife of opinions, cheer them on by theirencouragement and throw dirt with the volubility and wit of fish-women."

  "Miss Poke, to the backbone!"

  "In short, sir, I expect to see an entirely different state of things atLeaplow. There, when a political adversary is bespattered with mud,your gentle monikinas, doubtless, appease anger by mild soothings ofphilosophy, tempering zeal by wisdom, and regulating error by apt andunanswerable quotations from that great charter which is based on theeternal and immutable principles of right."

  "Well, Sir John, if you speak in this elocutionary manner in the house,"cried the delighted Noah, "I shall be shy of answering. I doubt, now, ifthe brigadier himself could repeat all you have just said."

  "I have forgotten to inquire, Mr. Downright, a little about your Leaplowconstituency. The suffrage is, beyond question, confined to thosemembers of society who possess a 'social stake.'"

  "Certainly, Sir John, They who live and breathe."

  "Surely none vote but those who possess the money, and houses, and landsof the country?"

  "Sir, you are altogether in error; all vote who possess ears, and eyes,and noses, and bobs, and lives, and hopes, and wishes, and feelings, andwants. Wants we conceive to be a much truer test of political fidelity,than possessions."

  "This is novel doctrine, indeed! but it is in direct hostility to thesocial-stake system."

  "You were never more right, Sir John, as respects your own theory,or never more wrong as respects the truth. In Leaplow we contend--andcontend justly--that there is no broader or bolder fallacy than tosay that a representation of mere effects, whether in houses, lands,merchandise, or money, is a security for a good government. Propertyis affected by measures; and the more a monikin has, the greater is thebribe to induce
him to consult his own interests, although it should beat the expense of those of everybody else."

  "But, sir, the interest of the community is composed of the aggregate ofthese interests."

  "Your pardon, Sir John; nothing is composed of it, but the aggregateof the interests of a class. If your government is instituted for theirbenefit only, your social-stake system is all well enough; but if theobject be the general good, you have no choice but to trust its custodyto the general keeping. Let us suppose two men--since you happen to bea man, and not a monikin--let us suppose two men perfectly equal inmorals, intelligence, public virtue and patriotism, one of whom shall berich and the other shall have nothing. A crisis arrives in the affairsof their common country, and both are called upon to exercise theirfranchise, on a question--as almost all great questions must--thatunavoidably will have some influence on property generally. Which wouldgive the most impartial vote--he who, of necessity, must be swayed byhis personal interest, or he who has no inducement of the sort to goastray?"

  "Certainly he who has nothing to influence him to go wrong. But thequestion is not fairly put--"

  "Your pardon, Sir John--it is put fairly as an abstract question, andone that is to prove a principle. I am glad to hear you say that a manwould be apt to decide in this manner; for it shows his identity witha monikin. We hold that all of us are apt to think most of ourselves onsuch occasions."

  "My dear brigadier, do not mistake sophistry for reason. Surely, ifpower belonged only to the poor--and the poor, or the comparativelypoor, always compose the mass--they would exercise it in a way to stripthe rich of their possessions."

  "We think not, in Leaplow. Cases might exist, in which such a state ofthings would occur under a reaction; but reactions imply abuses, and arenot to be quoted to maintain a principle. He who was drunk yesterday,may need an unnatural stimulus to-day; while he who is uniformlytemperate preserves his proper tone of body without recourse to a remedyso dangerous. Such an experiment, under a strong provocation, mightpossibly be made; but it could scarcely be made twice among any people,and not even once among a people that submits in season to a justdivision of its authority, since it is obviously destructive of aleading principle of civilization. According to our monikin histories,all the attacks upon property have been produced by property's graspingat more than fairly belongs to its immunities. If you make politicalpower a concomitant of property, both may go together, certainly; but ifkept separate, the danger to the latter will never exceed the dangerin which it is put daily by the arts of the money-getters, who are, intruth, the greatest foes of property, as it belongs to others."

  I remembered Sir Joseph Job, and could not but admit that the brigadierhad, at least, some truth on his side.

  "But do you deny that the sentiment of property elevates the mind,ennobles, and purifies?"

  "Sir, I do not pretend to determine what may be the fact among men,but we hold among monikins, that 'the love of money is the root of allevil.'"

  "How, sir, do you account the education which is a consequence ofproperty as nothing?"

  "If you mean, my dear Sir John, that which property is most apt toteach, we hold it to be selfishness; but if you mean that he who hasmoney, as a rule, will also have in formation to guide him aright, Imust answer, that experience, which is worth a thousand theories, tellsus differently. We find that on questions which are purely between thosewho have, and those who have not, the HAVES are commonly united, and wethink this would be the fact if they were as unschooled as bears; buton all other questions, they certainly do great discredit to education,unless you admit that there are in every case TWO rights; for, withus, the most highly educated generally take the two extremes ofevery argument. I state this to be the fact with monikins, you willremember--doubtless, educated men agree much better."

  "But, my good brigadier, if your position about the greater impartialityand independence of the elector who is not influenced by his privateinterests be true, a country would do well to submit its elections to abody of foreign umpires."

  "It would indeed, Sir John, if it were certain these foreign umpireswould not abuse the power to their own particular advantage, if theycould have the feelings and sentiments which ennoble and purify a nationfar more than money, and if it were possible they could thoroughlyunderstand the character, habits, wants, and resources of anotherpeople. As things are, therefore, we believe it is wisest to trust ourown elections to ourselves--not to a portion of ourselves, but to all ofourselves."

  "Immigrants included," put in the captain.

  "Why, we do carry the principle well out in the case of gentlemen likeyourselves," returned the brigadier, politely, "but liberality is avirtue. As a principle, Sir John, your idea of referring the choiceof our representatives to strangers has more merit than you probablyimagine, though, certainly, impracticable, for the reasons alreadygiven. When we seek justice, we commonly look out for some impartialjudge. Such a judge is unattainable, however, in the matter of theinterests of a state, for the simple reason that power of this sort,permanently wielded, would be perverted on a principle which, aftera most scrupulous analysis, we have been compelled to admit isincorporated with the very monikin nature--viz., selfishness. I makeno manner of doubt that you men, however, are altogether superior to aninfluence so unworthy?"

  Here I could only borrow the use of the brigadier's "Hum!"

  "Having ascertained that it would not do to submit the control ofour affairs to utter strangers, or to those whose interests are notidentified with our own, we set about seeing what could be done witha selection from among ourselves. Here we were again met by that sameobstinate principle of selfishness; and we were finally driven to takeshelter in the experiment of intrusting the interests of all to themanagement of all."

  "And, sir, are these the opinions of Leaphigh?"

  "Very far from it. The difference between Leaphigh and Leaplow is justthis: the Leaphighers, being an ancient people, with a thousand vestedinterests, are induced, as time improves the mind, to seek reasonsfor their facts; while we Leaplowers, being unshackled by any suchrestraints, have been able to make an effort to form our facts on ourreasons."

  "Why do you, then, so much prize Leaphigh opinions on Leaplow facts?"

  "Why does every little monikin believe his own father and mother to bejust the two wisest, best, most virtuous, and discreetest old monikinsin the whole world, until time, opportunity, and experience show him hiserror?"

  "Do you make no exceptions, then, in your franchise, but admit everycitizen who, as you say, has a nose, ears, bob, and wants, to theexercise of the suffrage?"

  "Perhaps we are less scrupulous on this head than we ought to be, sincewe do not make ignorance and want of character bars to the privilege.Qualifications beyond mere birth and existence may be useful, but theyare badly chosen when they are brought to the test of purely materialpossessions. This practice has arisen in the world from the fact thatthey who had property had power, and not because they ought to have it."

  "My dear brigadier, this is flying in the face of all experience."

  "For the reason just given, and because all experience has hithertocommenced at the wrong end. Society should be constructed as you erect ahouse; not from the roof down, but from the foundation upwards."

  "Admitting, however, that your house has been badly constructed atfirst, in repairing it, would you tear away the walls at random, at therisk of bringing all down about your ears?"

  "I would first see that sufficient props were reared, and then proceedwith vigor, though always with caution. Courage in such an experimentis less to be dreaded than timidity. Half the evils of life, social,personal and political, are as much the effects of moral cowardice as offraud."

  I then told the brigadier, that as his countrymen rejected theinducements of property in the selection of the political base of theirsocial compact, I expected to find a capital substitute in virtue.

  "I have always heard that virtue is the great essential of a freepeople, and doubtle
ss you Leaplowers are perfect models in thisimportant particular?"

  The brigadier smiled before he answered me, first looking about to theright and left, as if to regale himself with the odor of perfection.

  "Many theories have been broached on these subjects," he replied, "inwhich there has been some confusion between cause and effect. Virtue isno more a cause of freedom, except as it is connected with intelligence,than vice is a cause of slavery. Both may be consequences, but it is noteasy to say how either is necessarily a cause. There is a homely sayingamong us monikins, which is quite to the point in this matter: 'Set arogue to catch a rogue.' Now, the essence of a free government is tobe found in the responsibility of its agents. He who governs withoutresponsibility is a master, while he who discharges the duties of afunctionary under a practical responsibility is a servant. This is theonly true test of governments, let them be mystified as they mayin other respects. Responsibility to the mass of the nation is thecriterion of freedom. Now responsibility is the SUBSTITUTE for virtue ina politician, as discipline is the substitute for courage in a soldier.An army of brave monikins without discipline, would be very apt to beworsted by an army of monikins of less natural spirit, with discipline.So a corps of originally virtuous politicians, without responsibility,would be very apt to do more selfish, lawless, and profligate acts,than a corps of less virtue, who were kept rigidly under the rod ofresponsibility. Unrestrained power is a great corrupter of virtue, ofitself; while the liabilities of a restrained authority are very apt tokeep it in check. At least, such is the fact with us monikins--men verypossibly get along better."

  "Let me tell you, Mr. Downright, you are now uttering opinions that arediametrically opposed to those of the world, which considers virtue anindispensable ingredient in a republic."

  "The world--meaning always the monikin world--knows very little aboutreal political liberty, except as a theory. We of Leaplow are, ineffect, the only people who have had much to do with it, and I am nowtelling you what is the result of my own observation, in my own country.If monikins were purely virtuous, there would be no necessity forgovernment at all; but, being what they are, we think it wisest to setthem to watch each other."

  "But yours is self-government, which implies self-restraint; andself-restraint is but another word for virtue."

  "If the merit of our system depended on self-government, in yoursignification, or on self-restraint, in any signification, it would notbe worth the trouble of this argument, Sir John Goldencalf. This is oneof those balmy fallacies with which ill-judging moralists endeavor tostimulate monikins to good deeds. Our government is based on a directlyopposite principle; that of watching and restraining each other, insteadof trusting to our ability to restrain ourselves. It is the want ofresponsibility, and not of constant and active presence, which infersvirtue and self-control. No one would willingly lay legal restraintson himself in anything, while all are very happy to restrain theirneighbors. This refers to the positive and necessary rules ofintercourse, and the establishment of rights; as to mere morality, lawsdo very little towards enforcing its ordinances. Morals usually comeof instruction; and when all have political power, instruction is asecurity that all desire."

  "But when all vote, all may wish to abuse their trust to their ownespecial advantage, and a political chaos will be the consequence."

  "Such a result is impossible, except as especial advantage is identifiedwith general advantage. A community can no more buy itself in thismanner, than a monikin can eat himself, let him be as ravenous ashe will. Admitting that all are rogues, necessity would compel acompromise."

  "You make out a plausible theory, and I have little doubt that I shallfind you the wisest, the most logical, the discreetest, and the mostconsistent community I have yet visited. But another word: how isit that our friend the judge gave such equivocal instructions tohis charge; and why, in particular, did he lay so much stress on theemployment of means, which gave the lie flatly to all you have told me?"

  Brigadier Downright hereupon stroked his chin, and observed that hethought there might possibly be a shift of wind; and he also wondered(quite audibly), when we should make the land. I afterwards persuadedhim to allow that a monikin was but a monikin, after all, whether he hadthe advantages of universal suffrage, or lived under a despot.