The Dastard

There was a pause. Then there was a different quality to the Princess' voice. "That has changed. I am from Planet Ptero. I exchanged places with my younger Self so I could come here. I am twenty-one years old, and I think the Dastard is handsome."

  "How do you know his name?" Becka demanded. "I introduced him as Dashing."

  "You ask a lot of questions, my pet. You risk getting answers you don't like."

  "You're the Sea Hag!" Becka exclaimed. "I'd know you anywhere."

  And the Dastard realized she was right. His dream princess had finally come to him--Possessed by his enemy. What a dire pass!

  "Well, this time I'm not going away, you sniveling brat. If you try to tell him, I'll take away your stupid herbs and Possess you again."

  The threat was evidently effective, for the girl shut hastily up.

  The Dastard decided to play dumb, so that the Sea Hag would not know he knew of the Possession. He groaned and stirred.

  "Oh, you poor man," the princess cooed. "Let me help you rise." She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and hauled him halfway up. This wasn't very efficient at getting him back to his feet, but was very, very efficient at plastering her soft bosom against his shoulder and head.

  He had distinctly mixed feelings. He loved the contact, but hated the fact that it was really the Sea Hag. He had a notion how the Hag worked: She Possessed a lovely young body, then seduced the man she wanted to hurt, making him love her. She had a long history--millennia long--of torturing the men who had annoyed her in some trifling way, or maybe just for the bleep of it, and finally driving them to suicide. He wasn't the suicidal type, but he was fairly sure she could make him miserable if he ever let her get to him.

  If only he could have encountered this lovely young princess when she was herself! Of course he could unhappen the Possession, rescuing the Princess from the Hag. She should be duly grateful, and that could be an excellent start. But there was one significant problem: She wouldn't remember. The girl Becka was the only one besides himself who ever remembered an unhappening. And that was only because of a spell the Good Magician had given her. He was pretty sure the Good Magician wouldn't give the princess such a spell.

  He managed to get to his feet, with the princess' seductive help. He stood unsteadily, facing Becka. "What happened?" he asked groggily.

  "Princess Melody kissed you, and you fainted," the girl said.

  That much was true; the kiss had been potent. Now he knew why: He had heard of something called lip bomb that blew away the one kissed; the Hag had indicated that she had used that on him. He had been intrigued by the lovely princess; now he was fascinated. The kiss had made him eager to do her bidding, if it led to more such activity.

  Obviously the Hag had come prepared. He had unhappened her prior Possessions, so now she was being more careful. She had taken a body he couldn't resist, and had promptly bombed him with a kiss. She was definitely out to capture his emotion.

  What she didn't know was that he had no soul. He had emotions, but was incapable of love. He wanted to marry a princess for cold practical reasons: to achieve prominence, a life of indolence, and have all the stork-summoning he wanted. Becka thought that was love, but it was merely desire for what was good for him. So the Sea Hag could not make him her love slave.

  Still, she could do him much mischief. Each time he unhappened one of her Possessions, she returned with another, and if she ever decided that he was not worth her while, she would come as an ogress and smash him into oblivion. So just as she was getting more cautious about him, he realized that he had to get more cautious about her. She was dangerous.

  So he would have to play along with her, until he figured out a better way to deal with her. Meanwhile, he could no longer prolong his guise of dizziness; he would have to say something. "I fainted," he agreed.

  "You poor man," the princess said sympathetically. "Let me comfort you." She embraced him.

  The contact was very nice. He put his arms around her; he could hardly help it. But this meant that he could see past her lovely head to where Becka was standing, for the moment out of sight of the princess.

  The girl lifted a small placard on which she had scribbled two words: SEA HAG. Then she put it away.

  So she had not been completely cowed by the Hag's threat. She had bided her time, and informed him of the danger when she could. She really was helping him. He appreciated that, though he had already figured it out for himself. Now they both knew that they both knew. And surely Becka understood why he hesitated to unhappen the Possession immediately. He needed to learn more about the Sea Hag, so as to discover how to abolish her so that she could not return to plague him. He could afford to delay as long as she did not realize he knew her identity.

  But that didn't solve the problem. How could he get rid of the Sea Hag, without having her come back in some more dangerous form, and without prejudicing his case with the princess? Because he did want the princess. She was everything he desired, and he might never have a better chance to win her--if he just played his hand correctly.

  He would simply have to play along until something forced him to act. Maybe if he got to know her better, the Sea Hag would let slip some weakness, some clue to the riddle of her nature that would enable him to be permanently free of her. It was his best chance.

  Meanwhile, the princess was still embracing him. She was marvelously soft and suggestive. But if he yielded to temptation, it would be the Hag who governed him. He couldn't afford to do anything with the princess until she was herself. So he sought to disengage. "This place is--is too public," he said.

  She squeezed him once more, pneumatically, then let him go. "I know a private place," she murmured.

  Surely she did. He could not afford to go there. The form she had taken was too alluring. She would tempt him into something the princess would not forget or forgive, when she got her body back, if she learned of it, and that would ruin any future he might have with her. But how could he avoid it?

  Becka stepped in. "Dashing, you can't tarry with her. You have to go unhappen something."

  "No you don't," the princess said sharply. That was another giveaway: The princess would not know his nature, while the Hag did. "I can show you something much better."

  It was a straw, and he grasped it. "No, she's right. I have to unhappen something every day. I must do it now." That was a lie, but a really necessary one. Would she fall for it?

  "But this is a huge potential unhappening," the princess Hag said, falling for it. "One truly worthy of your talent. And only I know where to find it."

  Again, this would have given her away, had she not already done that: How did she know about the nature of his talent? The word "unhappen" should have confused the princess. But the Sea Hag understood it well.

  "Where?" he asked guardedly.

  "It's on the Isle of Fellowship," she said eagerly. "One of the temporary islands off the coast of Xanth. It is hidden most of the time, but I know how to invoke it. Come, handsome man; I will lead you to it."

  "But the coast is far away," Becka protested.

  "Then you will take us there, dragon girl," the princess said.

  Was this a good choice? Was there really an island, or was this some other nefarious scheme of the Sea Hag? He would just have to find out. He wasn't accustomed to dealing with someone who was a worse person than he was. "Very well. We'll go there. But it had better be worth my while." The truth was that the notion of a really significant unhappening excited him almost as much as the prospect of marrying a lovely princess.

  He looked at Becka, who still hesitated. "I can't carry two people through the air," she said.

  "But you can move rapidly along the ground, my pet, can't you?" the princess said. "That will do."

  The girl looked as if she wanted to protest some more, but finally changed into her dragon form. She stood there with her bright green scales with their purple tips. The Dastard helped the princess to climb onto the dragon's back, then mounted himself, using pillows pluc
ked from a pillow bush to protect their legs. She sat before him, close and warm and excruciatingly desirable.

  "West," the princess said in a peremptory tone. She leaned back slightly to touch him. "Put your arms around me, lest I fall," she murmured to him. The sweet fragrance of her body encompassed him.

  The Dastard wanted to refrain, because this was seductive, but her request made sense. So he put his arms around her, and felt the supple female nature of her body. If only she were real!

  The dragon hesitated, evidently not liking this, but then got moving. She chose her route, wending between trees, and made good time. But the ride was bouncy, and the princess bounced within his embrace. Her hair flounced across his face, caressing it. "Hold me more tightly, lest I bounce off," she whispered. He had to do it, though it made him want to do more than hold. She was quite bouncy already. He knew she knew this. She was trying to seduce him despite his caution, and it was getting harder to fend off the desire.

  The time seemed eternal, and instant. She was so special, in his arms, yet so dangerous. How much longer could he dare to let her continue impressing him? Maybe he should just unhappen the Possession now, and take his chances on meeting the princess himself. Yet with a vengeful Hag spirit loose, what might happen? She might return to kill the princess. He couldn't risk it. At least this way he knew where the Hag was. All too well.

  "Bear south," the princess told the dragon. The dragon obligingly turned that way.

  The princess turned her face, almost touching the Dastard's face. "We're making progress," she said dulcetly.

  That might be the problem. She really knew how to make this body perform, and he was sure it wasn't limited to casual touching. She had probably made a hundred lovely young bodies do a thousand deadly seductions.

  They reached the shore. The sea stretched out ahead, undisturbed.

  The dragon came to a halt. They got off the dragon's back, and the dragon returned to girl form.

  "Where is it?" Becka asked, peering around.

  "It interfaces with the mainland only when summoned," the Princess replied. "I am one of the few who know how to do that. So you see, you need me."

  Did the Sea Hag suspect that he knew her identity? That made her more dangerous, because she might do something to him before he could unhappen her Possession. But the temptation of a really big unhappening prevented him from acting just yet. "So summon it," he said curtly.

  The princess put two fingers into her mouth and made a piercing whistle. Fog swirled in, and formed into the shape of an island, complete with trees and a beach. It solidified, and there appeared a causeway to the mainland.

  "I can whistle like that," Becka said.

  The Dastard glanced at her. He knew she wanted to be rid of the Sea Hag as soon as possible. He agreed with her. Now that they had found the island, they no longer needed the dangerous dame.

  "They are alert for intruders," the Princess said. "You will need me to introduce you."

  "We can introduce ourselves," Becka said. Again, she had a point. He should play it safe and unhappen the Hag now. Of course that would mean they would not be here at the Isle, but since both he and Becka would remember its location, that was no problem.

  "Ah, but are you good at lying?" the princess asked.

  Becka stood mute; the Hag had scored on her weak point. Few naturally souled folk could lie well; their consciences interfered.

  "Of course," the Dastard said. But it was true that a person familiar with the culture of the isle would better know how to lie to the people there.

  The princess nodded, seeing that she had made her point, and led the way across.

  When they reached the island, the Dastard looked back. The mainland looked like a bank of fog. Then it dissipated, leaving only endless sea.

  "We can't get off this island," Becka said, alarmed.

  "Oh, we can, my pet," the princess said. "When it is time. Now let's meet the denizens." She forged ahead, finding a path.

  Both Becka and the Dastard hesitated. The Hag/princess had taken over their course, and this clearly made the girl as nervous as it made him. Just what was on this mysterious island? If he unhappened her now, he would not know. So he would have to wait just a little longer.

  The princess paused, glancing back. "Come," she said.

  They came.

  There was a swirl of smoke just ahead, which soon formed into a large male figure. It was a demon. "Who are you?" he asked, surprisingly politely. "I am D. Tain."

  "Thank you, Tain," the princess said. "I am the Princess Melody. This is the Dastard, and this is Becka. We have come to observe your community."

  "Welcome, all three," Tain said. "I will gladly conduct you to our Fellowship Village. May I inquire whether you have any prior knowledge of our community?"

  "Not really, my pet," the princess said. "We have heard that it is a very nice community, so we thought we would see for ourselves, in case we should wish to join it."

  "By all means," the demon agreed. "I will tell you all about it. Its origin is way back in time, thousands, of years ago, when the land of Xanth was first colonized. It's a marvelously intricate tale, and--"

  "You're stalling," the princess said. "This community formed only three years ago. Before that the Isle was vacant. You're trying to fool us."

  "By no means, Princess. I am following my nature."

  "D. Tain," Becka said, catching on. "He's detaining us."

  "Get you gone, demon, and send us a better guide," the princess snapped.

  Tain puffed into smoke, which dissipated, reappeared, then reformed into a different aspect. "And who the #### are you, woman, to give us any orders?" the new form demanded arrogantly.

  Becka quailed at the obscenity, but the woman took it in easy stride. "I am the Princess Melody. And who the %%%% are you?"

  The demon paused, evidently taken aback. "You can't be much of a princess, if you can say that word. I look down my long nose at you."

  "I recognize you," the princess said. "You're D. Spise."

  "And not at your service," the demon replied with a sneer. "I hold you in contempt."

  "Then get you gone, Spise, and send us another," the princess said.

  "Why should I obey any demand of yours?" Spise inquired disdainfully.

  The princess merely shot him a glance. He quickly converted to swirling smoke. In a moment a third form coalesced. This one looked woebegone. "Oh, this is awful," the new demon wailed. "I can't even begin to think of trying to deceive you."

  "I recognize you too," the princess said. "You are the Demon Spare."

  "Yes, and I have no way to stop you from invading our fair community. What hope remains?"

  "None," the princess said. "Now get you gone and send someone more useful."

  The demon swirled and reformed. This one smiled ingratiatingly. "Oh, I am so very dutiful! How can I help you?"

  "And you are D. Voted," the princess said. "You'll do. Lead us to the community."

  "I'd love nothing better." The demon walked ahead of them, leading them.

  The Dastard was impressed by the way the princess handled the demons. They had evidently recognized her as the Sea Hag, and they must have had long experience with her before. They clearly did not want to cross her. It was unusual to find a human person who could order demons around. But of course the Sea Hag was no ordinary person. It would be better to unhappen her now.

  "The demons are merely a preliminary diversion," the princess murmured. "The community has other defenses."

  "How can you know that, if you haven't been here before?" Becka demanded.

  "Ah, but I have been here, in spirit, my pet," the princess replied.

  In spirit. She had traveled around while between bodies, probably looking for good ones to Possess, and must have seen a lot. So the Hag did know about this one. So far her guidance had been good. There probably were other defenses. They still needed her.

  The path opened out onto a pleasant valley with a lovely villa
ge in its center. "Here is our Community of Fellowship," Voted announced.

  "It is my great pleasure to introduce you to it. Surely you will want to join."

  Surely he didn't want to join, the Dastard thought. But it was a good pose to learn how to unhappen it.

  "What's that?" Becka asked, squinting at the sun.

  The Dastard looked. The sun was very bright, but squinting did enable him to look at it. Something was happening on its surface. There seemed to be small human forms lying on it or in it. Some seemed to be washing children in the flames.

  "Those are sun bathers," Voted explained. "And a few son bathers, too. Here at Fellowship we love to relax, and the sun is nice and warm. Of course we have to use protective emollients and lotions to prevent sunburn."

  "How do they get up there?" Becka asked. She seemed to be a curious girl.

  "We have a long ladder," Voted said. "Would you like to use it?"

  "No," the Dastard said, wary of the diversion. "Just get us on down to the village."

  "Of course," the demon agreed. "I am entirely at your service."

  They passed a palm tree, whose open hands held thyme sprigs spelling out days of the month. Beside it were two eyeballs. "H-eye, Voted!" one of the eyes observed.

  "So nice to see you, Al," the demon answered.

  "Well, eye try to get along with others," Al Eye said. He turned toward the other eye. "Say hi to the visitors, May," he said.

  "Oh, may eye?" the lady eye asked, batting her lashes.

  "You may," Voted told her. Then, to the visitors, he said: "This is the date palm. The Eyes have it. They met here when they were looking for some thyme. They are Al and May."

  "Al Eye and May Eye got a date," Becka murmured.

  "Let's get on to the village," the Dastard said shortly.

  The village was on a deep inlet of the sea that washed against the backs of many of the houses. The villagers were going about routine tasks. What surprised the Dastard was that they were of several different species. Demons, centaurs, goblins, nagas, and merfolk were mixing freely. Normally each species associated mostly with its own type. This did seem to be an unusual community.