Longing

  Chey had incurable cancer, a terminal illness that would cut her life short unless God granted them a miracle. And in the midst of it all she was thinking about him and Bailey, how he’d given himself away at last week’s football game. He’d done her more harm than good by sticking around when he still had feelings for Bailey. She didn’t need to feel like anyone’s pity project. Cheyenne was far too valuable for that. He lifted his head and found her looking at him.

  “Don’t, Cody … don’t be hard on yourself.” Her kindness was otherworldly, as if it came from a place beyond herself. “I’m not hurt by the way you feel for her. Any more than you should be upset with me for the love I still have for Art.” Her serene expression said she had already resolved this. “Life’s like that sometimes.” She withdrew her hand and folded her arms over her chest. “We came into each other’s lives for a reason; I have to believe that. Maybe so we could heal after our previous losses. Or maybe so God could build our faith stronger in light of the struggles we had to face together.”

  Struggles that were only now beginning, Cody wanted to say. But instead he nodded. “I believe that, too. I know God brought us together.”

  A knowing look cast shadows in her eyes and Cody could practically read her thoughts. Because at this point all that mattered was the obvious battle that lay ahead. “You don’t have to stay.” A flicker of hurt flashed in her eyes and then was gone. “I have Tara. This isn’t your problem.”

  The embers of anger fanned into flames within Cody’s soul. He pushed back from the bed, stood, and walked to the door. For a long time he stared at the exit, wanting desperately to take her up on her offer, to leave and not look back and thereby somehow avoid the pain ahead. But he didn’t have it in him. He’d walked away before — where Bailey was concerned. Walked as a way of surviving what seemed like certain defeat. He wouldn’t do it again.

  With every bit of strength he possessed, he turned and walked slowly back to her bedside. “I don’t know what God has ahead.” He pressed his lips together, fighting a wave of tears that could’ve dropped him to his knees. “And the love we have for each other might be different from the way we’ve loved before.” He shifted, struggling. “But I’m not leaving you, Chey. This battle … this cancer … we’ll fight it together.”

  She waited, watching him, and then finally, almost imperceptibly, she nodded. “Okay. As long as you know you can leave. Any time.”

  It was something she couldn’t do — leave the battle ahead. “I told you … I’m not going anywhere.”

  This time she didn’t argue. She only smiled and closed her eyes. “I’m tired, Cody … if it’s okay, I’m going to sleep.”

  He lowered himself to the chair by her bedside again. “That’s fine … get some rest. You’ll need it so you can fight.” He hesitated. “And you will fight it, Chey.”

  Her response never came. She was already asleep.

  Ten

  ASHLEY HAD FIFTEEN MINUTES BEFORE THE FAMILY WOULD arrive for their annual Christmas celebration and she couldn’t move fast enough — setting the table and moving dishes from the oven to the stovetop. Cole vacuumed the living room where baby Janessa had just spilled a cup of dry Cheerios, and Devin busied himself stirring the banana cream pie filling on the other side of the kitchen.

  Landon had been in his room for the past hour, and in his absence a slight bit of frustration crept in and colored Ashley’s Christmas spirit gray. Yes, Landon was struggling. That much was obvious. But God provided him purpose a little more every week. Even in the face of the lung disease, he would battle the rest of his life.

  At least he hadn’t been given a terminal diagnosis. The fight wasn’t against polymyositis, but rather against COPD — constrictive obstructive pulmonary disease. But even so, the illness would prevent him from doing the thing he loved most about work — fighting fires. So yes, Ashley understood when Landon was quieter than usual, when he wasn’t his usual cheerful, helpful self.

  But this was Christmastime. If he couldn’t help, he could at least keep her company. Something moved behind her, and she turned around. “Devin, I still need you to — “

  Suddenly he stood before her: Landon. The man she had loved as long and far back as she could remember. “Hey.”

  “Hey.” Her frustration eased.

  “I thought maybe you could use some help.”

  She set her pot holders down beside the stove and came to him, slipping her arms around his waist. “I was just thinking about you.”

  “The house looks amazing.” The look in his eyes was familiar, the look of confidence and love and assurance. All of which had been missing in varying degrees since he began struggling with his lungs.

  “Thanks. The kids helped.” She allowed no accusation in her tone, but she looked deep into his eyes, wondering. “You’ve been gone for awhile. Everything okay?”

  “I was reading the Bible. The story of Job.”

  “Nice.” Ashley smiled. “Especially at Christmas.”

  “Yeah, I know.” He chuckled easily, and again he seemed more himself. “But I needed to read it. I think God had a Christmas present waiting for me between the lines.”

  “Hmmm.” Ashley understood. “We haven’t had things as bad as Job. That’s for sure.”

  “Right. And if Job could thank God and look for God’s plans even in the ashes of his life …” Landon gave her a crooked grin. “I guess I can be finished moping around and believe the same thing.”

  “So you’re back … is that what you’re saying?” She kept her tone light, flirting with him, teasing to keep the moment from overwhelming her.

  “Yes, Ash …” He ran his hands along her back, his eyes locked on hers. “I’m back, and I’m sorry. I’m ready to live. I promise.”

  Hope soared through her. Every day she had prayed that though a lung disease had taken Landon’s ability as a firefighter, it wouldn’t take the beauty of his soul, the man God had made him to be.

  She pulled herself close to him and gently laid her head on his chest. His heart beat strong and steady, the way he had always been before this season in his life. And now … now he was back. The Landon she loved and longed for. “That …” She lifted her eyes to his and saw that his were watery, same as hers. “That is the best Christmas present ever.”

  The doorbell rang and from the other room Devin cried out. “They’re here, Mommy … everyone’s here! It’s Christmastime!”

  “Get the door, sweetie … I’ll be right there.” She kept her eyes on Landon, seeing him the way he had been and wanting this moment to last longer because of it. She ignored the sounds of her sisters coming through the front door, as she worked her hands into Landon’s hair and pulled him to her. It didn’t last long, but their kiss was rich and passionate, filled with promise. Ashley smiled. “I’m glad you’re back.”

  “Me too.” He kissed her this time, and they were still standing in each other’s arms when Kari appeared in the doorway of the kitchen and cleared her throat. “I guess you two are in charge of the mistletoe.”

  Ashley and Landon laughed as they separated. Ashley hugged her older sister and Landon shook hands with Kari’s husband, Ryan. “Another Christmas,” he glanced at Ashley, the moment between them still unbroken. “Maybe the best.”

  “Definitely.” Ryan held a box of sparkling cider bottles. He moved past Landon to set it down and at the same time, the doorbell rang again. Over the next ten minutes everyone arrived.

  The old Baxter house practically sang with the sounds of the family all gathered under one roof again. Ashley worked with her sisters and Luke’s wife, Reagan, along with her dad’s wife, Elaine, to get dinner on the table. As she did she remained mindful of how precious this time was. Nothing about life could be taken for granted.

  If her mother had lived, this would’ve been her favorite day of the year, coming back to the Baxter house for a Christmas gathering that included every one of her kids and their spouses and families. Even Dayne and Katy had made i
t back in time, and they arrived with little Sophie well before dinner was served.

  “Getting out of LA could almost kill the Christmas spirit in anyone.” Dayne laughed as they took off their coats and rolled up their sleeves. “But I would’ve walked to find my way back here.”

  Katy grinned at him. “Sophie kept saying how we were flying away to find Christmas.”

  “I like that.” Cole walked through the kitchen with Janessa on his hip. “When we’re all here … in this house … we can always find Christmas. No matter what.” He looked at Landon. “Right, Dad?”

  His question brought instant tears to Ashley’s eyes. Kids understood so much more than they let on. In the months of Landon’s discouragement, Cole had said very little about the health concerns his father faced. He didn’t complain at all about the change in Landon’s personality. But here, in the heart of December, he sensed something had happened to restore Landon to his old self.

  That somehow his dad had found Christmas.

  Finally they reigned in the kids, whose laughter made the perfect backdrop to the night’s beginning. As they sat down, Brooke was in the midst of telling a story about a patient who came in for routine blood work, scared to death something was wrong.

  “His results were perfect, so I called him myself, rather than wait for the lab. Just to set his mind at ease — especially at Christmas.” Brooke spoke loud enough to be heard above the hustle of people moving in and taking their seats. “So I call the guy — and remember he’s like eighty-five — and I get his voicemail.”

  Ashley loved how Brooke could tell a story. She had a way of getting the whole family laughing. Brooke helped her youngest daughter Hayley slide into the seat beside her, never losing a beat in her story. “So I’m talking to his answering machine, and I tell him his test results were perfectly normal and that he should have a good Christmas and not worry, and then just before I finish leaving the message, the girls walk in and they’re trying to talk to me about what to wear for tonight’s party, and Peter yells from the other room that he can’t find his dress pants, and all of a sudden I hear myself finish the message by saying, ‘All right, well I love you. Talk to you soon.’ “

  “What?” Luke looked like he might fall out of his chair. “You said that?”

  “Yep.” Brooke gave a confident nod. “To a patient.”

  “The poor guy probably had to take an extra nitroglycerin pill when he listened to his messages that night,” Peter laughed. “I mean, you get a beautiful young doctor saying she loves you? Come on … talk about your Christmas presents.”

  They all laughed again, and Devin raised his hand, his expression as earnest as it was confused. “So Aunt Brooke, does that mean you really love him?”

  A few of the older kids laughed, but Cole took the lead. He was thirteen now and more patient with Devin. “Buddy, that’s the point. Aunt Brooke doesn’t really love him. She was just distracted because of Uncle Peter and Maddie and Hayley, and she accidentally said she loved him.”

  “But …” Devin still looked baffled. “If you tell someone you love them, doesn’t that mean you have to love them always?”

  Ashley swapped a look with Landon, and the tenderness of the moment wasn’t missed between them or among the other adults at the table. Cole looked at Ashley’s dad. “Papa … you wanna help me out here?”

  Their father, John Baxter, stifled a laugh and then cleared his throat, his eyes intent on Devin’s. “You’re right, Dev, but here’s the thing. Aunt Brooke didn’t really mean it. She said it on accident. See?”

  It took a few seconds, but then Devin’s eyes lit up. “Ooooh. Like a ‘stake.”

  “Yes.” Landon added his voice to the mix. “Like a mistake.”

  “Which is why,” Ashley’s dad smiled at Devin, “we never want to tell someone we love them unless we really mean it.”

  “Because love is forever and always.” Devin gave a firm nod. “Right people?”

  A chorus of affirmations came from around the table.

  The conversation hit a natural break, and Ashley sensed Landon sitting up a little straighter. “I have some good news … I thought I’d share it with everyone … since we’re all together.”

  Ashley met his eyes but his look told her she didn’t need to worry about whatever was coming. The others leaned in — listening, waiting.

  “Did you save more people in a fire, Uncle Landon?” Luke’s son Tommy asked the question innocently, his eyes wide and round.

  Ashley felt the loss of Landon’s position with the fire department sharper than she’d felt it in months. An awkwardness came over the room, as if everyone knew he was feeling the same way. But he only smiled at their young nephew.

  “Not this time.” He looked around the room. “The good news is that I’ve been asked to lead a task force helping kids stay away from drugs. It’s an aggressive approach.” He grinned at Tommy. “And yes … your Uncle Landon will be saving lives again, buddy. Real soon.”

  “Landon …” Ashley forgot about her family all around them. “You didn’t tell me …”

  “I know.” His smile was more genuine than it had been in months. “I wanted it to be a surprise.”

  “That’s the best Christmas present ever.” She turned and threw her arms around his neck. “Seriously, Landon.”

  Around the room the others clapped and cheered and Cole and Devin and Tommy ran up and joined the group hug.

  Across the room Ashley caught her dad wiping at a few errant tears. “Merry Christmas, indeed.” He grinned at Ashley. “God is good.”

  The rest of the night seemed a little brighter, a little more meaningful. The Baxters had always been open about their love for each other, and this Christmas celebration was no exception. In fact, when Devin opened his present from his Uncle Ryan and Aunt Kari, he ran up to them and looked them straight in their eyes. “Thanks, guys. I love you.” Then he’d follow that up by saying, “I mean it for real.” He did the same after opening every gift that night.

  When the presents were opened, Ryan brought out the newest Sports Illustrated. “I never thought I’d see our own Cody Coleman on the cover of SI.” He held it up for the others. “The reporter did a phenomenal job capturing small town football and Cody’s heart.” Ryan looked at the cover, his face basking in pride. “I feel honored to know Cody — the man he is and the distance he’s come since his days at Clear Creek.”

  “Why don’t you read it to us?” Their dad sat beside Elaine, his arm around her, contentment filling his eyes. “I used to read you kids a story every time we gathered for Christmas. Maybe you could do the honors this time, Ryan.”

  The others added their agreement, and Ryan grinned. “I’d love to. Any time the Christmas story involves football count me in.” He held up the article and found the beginning. Then he read about the trials and struggles of the Lyle Buckaroos, a small town football team down on its luck, coming off a handful of winless seasons.

  “Before Cody Coleman, the prayers of the players and families and townspeople had grown cold. All except the prayers of one high school junior, DeMetri Smith.” Ryan took his time, telling the story the way it deserved to be told. “Not a day went by through three losing seasons when DeMetri didn’t pray for his team, for God to work a miracle among them.

  “The answer began to come into focus one day last spring. The day Cody Coleman showed up for the assistant coach’s position.”

  The room fell silent, adults and children alike hanging on the story. The children too young to understand were cuddled up close to their parents, so that only the sound of the crackling fire and Ryan’s voice filled the room. He went on to read about Cody’s decision to coach at Lyle and his discovery that the team faced many struggles. Big struggles. “The cancer battle of one player’s sister, the loss of homes for other players, kids struggling with grades. And of course DeMetri’s struggle.”

  Ryan continued, reading about DeMetri’s homelessness and Cody’s intervention. “The team
came together at camp, and one by one the boys found strength and faith to help each other, to tackle their troubles. DeMetri called it a series of miracles.”

  Ultimately the quest for greatness in the strength of God led the Buckaroos to the state title game and the most storybook finish ever: a winning touchdown by DeMetri Smith. “By the way,” Ryan continued as he finished reading the story, “Smitty, as he’s known by the team, won’t be running touchdowns next year. He’ll be touching hearts in his new role: that of a Bible student on a quest to be a pastor, so that he might spread the hope and kindness that Cody Coleman brought to him in this, the most unlikely season ever.”

  For a solid minute after Ryan closed the cover and lowered the magazine, no one spoke. Ashley could see why. Like her, they were all fighting tears, wrapped up in the emotion the article stirred in them all. Ryan was the first to talk, and then only through a voice strained with unshed tears. “That …” He hesitated, holding up the magazine once more. “Is why I coach football. So that somewhere along the way I might have the privilege of making an impact on one or two Cody Colemans … and in the process, watch that player grow into a man who will make the same difference in the life of a group of kids like the Buckaroos.”

  “It’s why any of us do anything.” Ashley’s dad slid to the edge of the sofa and looked around the room. “It’s why Katy and Dayne make films with a message of faith and it’s why Brooke and Peter practice medicine … why Kari spends her days homeschooling and being a team mom for the kids at Clear Creek.” He took his time. Over the years Ashley’s dad had done this, found a reason to single each of them out in front of the group. His words were a gift more precious than anything they could wrap and put under the tree. “It’s the reason Ashley paints and the reason Landon has accepted a new position helping out with drug intervention at the local schools.” He smiled at Landon. “Because all of you want to touch lives somehow, because you hope you’ll impact a Cody Coleman along the way.”