Longing

  Because of her role in Unlocked, and because she was dating Brandon Paul, she was always a favorite with the crowd. But Brandon was easily more popular than her. And now she touched his elbow and whispered near his ear. “I’ll be right back. I have to talk to someone.”

  He nodded, and a bewildered look came from him for a moment or two. Then he squeezed her hand as they headed in opposite directions. Bailey held up her hand, letting the crowd know she would join Brandon in a minute. Then she slid past a row of people and worked her way toward Cody and the football player. She looked over her shoulder once and — in the fraction of an instant — she watched Brandon make eye contact with Cody. Brandon knew what he looked like, of course. Cody’s face had graced the cover of Sports Illustrated just a few weeks ago.

  Brandon shifted his look to her, and his expression told her all she needed to know. He was troubled and confused about why Cody was here. But he trusted her. He didn’t need to say a word for her to know that much. She made a beeline toward Cody and finally she slid free from the crowd.

  Despite the chaos and flashing cameras, regardless of the commotion that surrounded the stage door, in that moment it might as well have been just the two of them, her and Cody standing face-to-face. “Hi.”

  “Hi.” Cody didn’t look away, didn’t seem to want to.

  But beside him the football player coughed a few times and jabbed Cody with his elbow. “Coach … remember? You were going to introduce me?”

  “Right.” Cody tore his eyes from her and glanced at the kid beside him. “Bailey, this is DeMetri Smith. Smitty, this is Bailey Flanigan.”

  “Coach tells me you’re his old girlfriend, but I find that hard to believe.” The boy puffed his chest out. “Coach is a pretty smart guy, you know? If he ever had a chance with a girl like you I can’t believe he’d find a way to blow it.”

  Bailey laughed out loud. “Yeah … my thoughts exactly.”

  “Great.” Cody dug his hands in his jeans pockets and looked at her again. “Never thought my players would be critiquing my love life.”

  “Well, yeah!” Smitty gave him a disappointed look. “Seriously Coach. You don’t leave a girl like this.”

  Again Bailey laughed, but Cody managed to give DeMetri a look that finally stopped him. “You know,” DeMetri pointed at Cody. “I’m gonna go get Brandon Paul’s autograph.” He nodded at Bailey. “Pleasure meeting you, Bailey.” His eyes flirted with her, then he shot another look at Cody. “I mean, really, Coach? Come on!”

  “Go.” Cody grinned at the kid, and after he’d walked away he looked at Bailey one more time. Again the moment felt like it was created for them alone. “So … you were amazing tonight.”

  “Thank you.” She felt herself blush beneath his gaze, and she hated herself for it. “You should’ve come sooner.”

  “Yeah.” He flashed her a sad sort of grin. “I guess I blew that too.”

  “Pretty much.” She smiled, but only to hide the pain his words caused her. They couldn’t spend another minute talking about what might have been. It was the story of Cody’s life. One regret after another. “So … why are you here?”

  “The state title.” He explained about the luncheon with SI and the interview with ESPN. “DeMetri handled himself like a pro.”

  “Yeah, the kid doesn’t hold anything back.”

  “No.” Cody looked after his player and chuckled. “He’ll make a great preacher someday.”

  “For sure.” Bailey hugged herself, suddenly very aware that she and Cody hadn’t come together in a greeting of any kind. With the paparazzi lurking at every backstage moment, that was probably just as well. A goodbye hug would be better than starting off that way. Already she could feel someone taking her picture. Which meant they were taking Cody’s picture too. When she couldn’t take looking into his eyes another moment, she looked down at the dirty pavement. Everything about her relationship with Cody was so wrong. Missed chances and lost opportunities. Fear and mistrust and doubt — negative emotions ruled the day when it came to him. The way they always had.

  “Brandon’s here.” It wasn’t a question.

  She lifted her eyes to his. “Every night.”

  He nodded slowly. “I can see why. Watching you … it would never get old, Bailey.”

  She breathed in deep, not sure what to say next. “Cheyenne … how are things with her?” Bailey hoped he might say they were over — for the girl’s sake more than anything else. Cody wasn’t in love with her. She could easily see that much a month ago when they talked after the game.

  “Not great.” He shoved his hands into his pockets a little deeper and raised his shoulders a few inches. A different kind of pain fell over his eyes. “She’s … she’s been sick.”

  It wasn’t the answer Bailey expected. “Very sick?”

  “Yeah. Pretty sick.”

  Bailey didn’t want to ask too many questions. “Related to her accident?”

  “I think so.” If there were more details to share, Cody wasn’t telling.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay. She’ll get through it.”

  The moment was coming to an end, and there was nothing Bailey could do to prolong it. She wondered what had happened between Cody and Cheyenne to keep them together, but it wasn’t her business. The moment passed and all they had between them was a silence as unfamiliar as it was uncomfortable. Bailey looked over her shoulder back at Brandon, and then to Cody once more. “Thanks … for waiting. You know, to say hi.”

  “You were the best dancer on the stage.”

  “Thanks.”

  More silence, and finally he smiled, but without the depth she was familiar with. “So, yeah … good seeing you.”

  “You, too.” She didn’t hug him, didn’t do anything but hold her ground.

  He took a step back and set his jaw, his teary eyes on some distant piece of sky. Then he glanced at her one last quick time. “Bye, Bailey.”

  “Bye, Cody.” She didn’t wait, didn’t watch to see if he would be okay. Didn’t consider going back to him again to hug him or comfort him. Brandon was waiting. She made her way through the crowd, head down, so people wouldn’t notice her until she was at Brandon’s side again. He was still busy, still signing autographs and taking pictures, a crowd of people gathered around him. As she came closer to him, Bailey was grateful. His distraction meant he wouldn’t notice the one thing she didn’t want him to see. The rebel tears fresh on her cheeks.

  THE GUY WAS CODY COLEMAN. Brandon knew it the moment he saw the way he looked at Bailey. The two of them had never met, and Brandon didn’t see any reason to change that. But the whole time Bailey talked to him, Brandon did little more than go through the motions. In some ways he wanted to pull the guy aside and ask him how he could’ve been so careless.

  Back when he and Bailey filmed Unlocked, Cody was all she could talk about. She wasn’t interested in Brandon’s flirting or attempts at luring her away. Her heart was undivided for Cody, for the guy she’d grown up loving. He would tease her about it, more because he was jealous than anything else. Where is he, Bailey? Why doesn’t he come by? What’s the truth about your invisible boyfriend?

  She put up with him, but in the end Cody’s lack of attention had given Brandon the chance he needed. The opportunity to show Bailey how she deserved to be treated.

  “Brandon! Over here!” People screamed his name from the crowd, but even as he raced his Sharpie pen across dozens of programs, he didn’t acknowledge them. Not really. He could only think of her — beautiful and talented and trusting him that this was a love he’d never known before.

  God had worked out the timing, no question. Because when they met, Brandon wasn’t ready for a girl like Bailey. Not at first. He would’ve seen her as just one more conquest, and when he realized her virtue he would’ve walked away, uninterested. Ready for the next fling willing to sleep with him.

  The reality of who he used to be turned his stomach.

  “Over here
! Brandon, are you and Bailey dating? Tell us about it!” Voices called to him from every direction.

  He smiled and waved and ignored the questions.

  A girl like Bailey deserved to have someone fight for her. And since Cody never did that, as long as God would let him, Brandon certainly would. He glanced over his shoulder at her, trying to keep his concern to himself. She was backing up, pulling away from Cody. Headed his way once more.

  Brandon felt himself exhale, and he wondered how long he’d been holding his breath. When she finally reached his side he literally felt whole again, like all was right with the night and the world. For the next thirty minutes they met with the crowd, and when Brandon’s private SUV pulled up they made a dash for it.

  They didn’t say much on the way to her apartment, and not until they were sitting in the small sofa overlooking the city did Brandon feel himself unwind a little, feel his thoughts come together in a way he could talk about. Bob and Betty were already asleep, and Brandon was silently thankful. He and Bailey needed this time, and it was too cold for the roof tonight. For a long time he held her hands and watched her, reading the emotions in her eyes.

  “That was Cody, the guy I was talking to.”

  He nodded. “I know.” His heart thudded so hard, he wondered if she could hear it. “I recognized him … from SI.”

  “Right.” She focused more intently on him. “He was in town for an ESPN interview. It was … the first time he’d been to my show.”

  Brandon wanted to say that was Cody’s loss. But he kept his teeth pressed together, the words unspoken.

  “What are you thinking?” Bailey looked worried, but not guilty. Definitely not guilty.

  “I guess that depends on what you’re thinking.” He smiled, but deep inside he imagined how he would feel if in this moment she threw him a curve, if she admitted deep feelings for Cody. If she broke up with him. The thoughts hurt too much to consider, and he banished them from his conscious. He angled his head. “So … how was it? Seeing him?”

  “Strange.” She bit her lip and looked down at her lap for a moment. “For years … too many years … I thought God had Cody in my life so that he and I could be together.” She allowed a sad laugh, maybe at the memory of the girl she’d been back then. “When he came home from Iraq I thought God saved him for me.” She raised her shoulders and let them fall again. “But with Cody it’s always been something. He didn’t feel he was good enough, he didn’t want to get in the way. Didn’t want to get hurt.”

  “So he kept his distance.” Brandon’s voice was soft, meant to be the tender caress, the understanding her heart needed.

  “Yes. Over and over again.” She shook her head a few times. “I mean, it’s still sad. Seeing him. Knowing what he walked away from. But … the feelings I had for him. They’ve changed.”

  Brandon did his best not to look alarmed. The change couldn’t have been for the better … not when the two of them were so in love. “Changed?”

  “Yes. When I hugged him on my porch that night after the game, it was like hugging a brother. Someone I cared about, but not someone I wanted to run off with.” She winced a little. “Does that make sense?”

  Light shone through the tightly closed shutters of his heart, the places where he was afraid of what this conversation might bring. “Yes. It does.”

  “To be honest … all I could think when I was talking to him was how,” she released one of his hands and touched his face, her fingers like breath against his skin. “How much I wanted to be with you.”

  Relief filled him, but he kept his smile measured. He didn’t want her to know just how worried he’d been, how empty and awful he felt signing autographs knowing that somewhere behind him Bailey was connecting again with Cody Coleman. He grinned, desperately wanting to lighten the mood now that his heartbeat had returned to normal. “So … you’re saying I don’t have to worry about Cody.”

  “No.” Her answer was as sure as the love in her eyes. “You don’t have to worry about him.”

  “Plus, if you measure us by how many times I’ve seen your show …” He brushed his knuckles against the imaginary lapel of his wool sweater. “I win in a landslide.”

  “True.” She laughed and the sound was like the most beautiful music. In a move that was as quick as it was cute, she bounced onto her knees and framed his face with her hands. She kissed him, still laughing. “Wanna know the truth?”

  “Always.” He felt himself falling once again into the trance that was Bailey Flanigan. He put his hand around her waist, keeping her close. “What’s the truth?”

  “You win by a landslide in every category.”

  “Really?” He made a dramatic face and wiped pretend sweat from his brow. “I’m glad to hear it … I mean, I really work at it. Training and the proper diet. All that stuff you don’t think about.”

  Again she laughed as she plopped back down in the seat beside him. They talked for a minute about the growing crowd outside the theater, and Brandon was grateful. Glad beyond words that they’d moved past the discussion about Cody. The guy would always be a part of her past. But Brandon believed her. There was no concern Cody would ever be a part of her future.

  Before he left that night, he worked the conversation back to the two of them, to the place where God was taking their relationship. “I’ll be finished soon, headed back to LA.”

  Sadness flickered in her eyes. “I try not to think about it.”

  “And you … You’ll still be here. Eight shows a week.”

  “Yes.” She looked out the window. “Some of the cast thinks the show’s doing a lot better.” Her eyes found him again. “Probably because of you. People get two shows in one.”

  “Ha-ha.” He put his hand on her shoulder, wishing they could share another few hours this way, together with the rest of the world shut out.

  “Actually … I’m serious. Something’s changed. We see Francesca in these meetings with the producers and it feels like we’ve turned a corner. Like the show might be given another year at least.”

  The realization sank like a rock in his stomach. “Hmmm.” He couldn’t let her see the way he felt. Couldn’t let her think that maybe he wanted her show to close. “Whatever I can do to help.” He grinned, but only to cover up the truth coming to light in his soul. By coming to see Bailey every day, he may have unwittingly helped prolong the run of the show. Which in turn would delay the two of them getting more serious than they were. Brandon’s next two pictures filmed in LA. So the time they’d have together would be like before December: clandestine two-day visits and long Skype dates. Nothing more.

  “I know what you’re thinking.” Tenderness filled her eyes. “Don’t pretend around me, Brandon.”

  “What?” His quick response was one of pretend surprise, indignation. “Me? Pretend?”

  “Come on. You don’t want me here another year.” She wasn’t upset by the fact, just aware of it.

  He let the charade fall away. “Okay, seriously? Of course I want you here, if that’s where God has you.” He waved to the city beyond the window. “Broadway … this is your dream, Bailey. I want that for you.”

  “But?”

  “But in my heart …” He put his hand over his chest. “I wish you were in LA. With me.” He gave her a sad smile. “Of course I want that.”

  “I guess … if that happened, I’m just not sure what I’d do there.”

  “You’d act.” His answer came in a hurry. “My agent says he can get you ten auditions in the first week if you ever move to LA.”

  “Yeah, but …” She felt the strange nervousness well up within her again. “I’m not sure about Los Angeles. You know … if the life … the paparazzi and the insanity … if I could get used to it.”

  This was as deep as the two of them had ever talked about the subject. “What was it Katy said the other night? That it took her awhile, but in the end …”

  “In the end, it was worth it.” Bailey’s smile didn’t quite take the edge
off the sadness of the moment. He was leaving soon and then there were no guarantees for either of them. “I guess I worry about it … like, what if I’m not wired like Katy Matthews?” She made a nervous face. “I mean, look how I handled the paparazzi the other night.”

  “That was the exception. We weren’t expecting them.”

  “I’m not sure I could ever come to expect something like that. Crazy people running after us with giant cameras on a dark beach.” She laughed quietly at the memory. “Never having normal … being the subject of all that craziness. I don’t know, it makes me afraid sometimes, Brandon.” The honesty in her tone cut him to the core. “Really afraid.”

  He wanted to cheer her on, insist that she was absolutely wired like Katy. Of course she could handle his public life. She had handled their time in New York City, right? She could certainly handle LA. But he didn’t want to force the issue. In the end, she would have to make her own decision. It was the most terrifying part of being in love: that without a commitment to forever, separation was still possible.

  “I guess we don’t have to deal with every issue right now.” He pushed his concerns aside. If he let himself think about all the possibilities he would make a case for Los Angeles here and now, fight for her and for them as if his next heartbeat depended on it. “Hey, we have a few more weeks, right? And we have tonight.”

  She studied him, as if something he’d just said baffled her. “You’re really not afraid, are you?”

  “Afraid?”

  “About us … about where it goes from here or about whether we really have a future together.”

  He looked deeper into her heart. This was not one of those moments when he wanted to keep his thoughts to himself. When it came to their relationship, transparency was crucial. “Honestly?”

  “Yes … of course.”

  “I’m terrified, Bailey.” He ran his hand down her arm, never looking away from her loving eyes. “I’ve never loved like this. Never known what love was until I met you.” He shook his head slightly, overwhelmed again by the strength of his feelings for her. “But the fear of losing you doesn’t make me run the other way.” He slid his fingers between hers, holding tight to the connection between them. “It makes me run toward you.”