Longing

  “Real?” She thought about pulling away again, but she waited.

  “Instead of some picture of perfection on a pedestal.” He took a step closer, his eyes locked on hers. “Chey was right; I treated you like an ideal. Like you were this unattainable figure. And every time I got close enough to love you, I ran away.”

  She was still breathing hard, but again she felt the fight leave her. Somehow in the past few seconds a dawning happened in her heart, as if for the first time she could see clearly her love for Cody and the relationship they’d shared over the years. He was an ideal for her too. “You were my first love. I thought you were bigger than life.”

  “You did?”

  “Yes.” Her tone whispered to him in a way that was kinder than before. “You were the big man on campus, the football hero of Clear Creek High, and you looked out for me. You never would’ve let anything happen to me.”

  “Hmmm.” Cody looked surprised. Like this was the first he’d understood how Bailey felt back then. “And I thought you were perfect.”

  A sad laugh sounded on her lips. “We were both wrong.”

  “Yes.” He gave her hand a gentle squeeze. “Your mom is right about the guy in your life. He should pursue you like that.” The sadness in his eyes was back again. “The way I never did.”

  They were talking in circles, and suddenly Bailey only wanted one thing. To get home again, so she could call Brandon Paul. “You have my past, Cody. You’ll always have that.”

  He released her hand and held his arms out. “Come here, Bailey.”

  She looked at him and in that moment she saw the guy she’d loved for so many years when she was a young girl. The guy she thought would hold her heart forever. She went to him willingly and they hugged for a long time.

  The hug of two old friends, nothing more.

  The realization gave her a glimmer of hope that maybe … maybe someday they might actually be friends again. The way they’d been in the beginning. Cody didn’t mean any harm by bringing her out here today and telling her what he’d told her. She held him a little tighter. “I’m sorry, Cody. About Cheyenne. I can’t imagine.”

  “Thanks. I needed this … being with you today. You’re family to me, Bailey. You always will be.”

  “The way it should be.” For the first time, Bailey was convinced of one very powerful truth: Cody had made a transition. He didn’t see her as the ideal anymore, as the girl he was in love with.

  He saw her as a friend, as family.

  She eased back and took his hand again. “Let’s go.” She smiled. “My dad’s waiting.”

  On the path back to his truck, she told him about the audition she had next week, and how she was ready to live in Los Angeles for a year.

  “Timing is always so weird when it comes to us.” Cody grinned at her, but the sadness in his eyes remained. “Clear Creek is offering me the head coaching position.”

  “Really?” Her family hadn’t told her. The irony was as bold as the blue sky over Bloomington that morning. Cody coming back to Clear Creek High the same season she would set off for LA. She asked about how he thought his kids back at Lyle would handle him leaving and he explained that many of them were graduating. The others were close enough that they’d be fine, whoever replaced him as head coach.

  In no time they reached his truck and after a few more minutes of catching up they pulled up in front of her house again. Cody followed her inside so he could find her dad, and before she returned to her bedroom, they shared one last hug. “Thanks, Bailey … for making time for me.”

  “Of course.” She eased back, looking straight at him, into his familiar heart. “I’m glad you talked to me. I think … I think Cheyenne was very wise.”

  “Me, too.” His smile grew sad again. “Even though I didn’t want to hear her opinion at the time.”

  “Well …” Bailey took a step back. “I hope … down the road … we can have more days like this. Really, Cody.”

  He nodded, and his expression told her he was willing to believe such a time was possible. That maybe they would finish the way they had begun — the best of friends. Bailey walked quickly to her room, sat down, and pulled her phone from her purse on the table beside her bed. And as she called Brandon, she realized that—for the first time in forever — she had spent time with Cody and she didn’t feel angst or confusion or pain.

  She felt peace.

  CODY FOUND JIM FLANIGAN and the two of them prayed together and read the Bible — from 1 Corinthians — about having hope regarding death, that for the believer it was life to life. No taste of death was even possible. The time in God’s Word lightened Cody’s heart and convinced him the Flanigans would always be his family.

  As he drove back to Indianapolis that afternoon, as he went over the plans he had to meet Tara at the mortuary and make arrangements for Cheyenne’s memorial service, he replayed his time with Bailey once more. Maybe it was selfish, asking her to meet with him. Sure, he’d wanted to tell her the two things he’d shared with her earlier today. But there was more.

  Cheyenne had challenged him with their talk that day, telling him that he should look for the person God had for him, and that maybe Bailey wasn’t that person. Cody knew only one way to find out if she was right. And that was by spending time with Bailey.

  Being with her was a mix of the wildest emotions imaginable. Yes, he still had feelings for her, still caught his breath over the beauty in her blue eyes or the way she held his heart whenever she was near. But he finally understood what Cheyenne meant — though he had no idea how in the little time she’d known him she’d been able to see it. When he looked at Bailey he saw the high school girl she’d been, almost more than the woman she’d become. The innocent girl who had given him his first understanding of a life outside the one he’d been raised in, outside the one he’d been living. Pure … sweet … unattainable.

  One-in-a-million.

  He remembered on the drive home something she’d said to him a year ago November, when he came to her house to tell her he was leaving for Indianapolis. She’d told him he could go, but he couldn’t force her to say goodbye.

  “You can’t make me stop loving you, Cody Coleman,” she’d shouted at him. “You can’t.”

  Cody would remember that as long as he was breathing. But was that a good thing? Should a girl have to yell that at the guy who loved her? Poor Bailey … he’d made her work so hard for even a single good moment between the two of them.

  And today he’d done that same thing again, right?

  Bailey had told him only briefly about heading to LA and reading for a part next week. His response should’ve been one of interest and investment. What movie was it? What part? He could’ve asked her to read her lines for him, and he could’ve looked for ways to build her up and compliment her for the effort she’d put into memorizing the scene. In his heart, he was that kind of guy … he cared that much.

  Instead he hadn’t done any of that, hadn’t asked her a single question or learned more details about the audition or asked her to share even one thing about the part—the way he would have if he were really pursuing the girl he loved. Cody was at peace with the revelation in his heart. The truth Cheyenne had spelled out that he had always loved the idea of Bailey more than he’d loved the girl. After today he would let go of the possibility of Bailey’s love, but he felt certain he would gain something in the process.

  The reality of her friendship.

  Twenty-Six

  BRANDON WOKE UP EARLY THAT VALENTINE’S DAY AND TOOK HIS coffee out on the balcony overlooking the beach. He hadn’t slept well last night, realizing that today would’ve been the day he proposed to Bailey were it not for his conversation with Dayne. Brandon set the hot cup on the balcony railing and stared out at the faint pinks over the Pacific. The sun was up, but it wouldn’t clear the mountain behind him for another half an hour. It was the time of morning Brandon liked the most.

  He breathed in, loving the way the ocean air felt in
his lungs. In the days since meeting with Dayne he’d done a lot of praying. Spent more time than usual reading 1 Timothy and Philippians and Hebrews and Romans. About being surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses and not wanting anyone to cut in on the race he was running, wanting to push ahead with endurance.

  Eyes on the cross.

  Brandon took a sip of his coffee and let his eyes settle on the horizon, the perfect straightness of it. In the journey of life ahead, he wanted nothing more than to be that straight line. Perfect in dependability, always unyielding to the temptations of the world, the darkness in it. But Scripture had only underscored the message in Dayne’s words that day. More than anything in life he wanted a stronger faith, a deeper relationship with the Lord. And he wanted a deeper connection with Bailey Flanigan.

  Sure they’d had fun. He’d taken her on crazy dates and he’d shown her that he meant what he’d said back when he started chasing after her a year ago. He always had a plan … and he was determined to fight for her. But marrying her would mean a whole lot more. He needed to be a spiritual leader for her, someone she could look to whatever storms came their way.

  One thing hadn’t even occurred to him until the two extra days Bailey spent in Bloomington. If he was going to marry her, he needed to ask her father first. He hadn’t been raised that way, but she had. She deserved a guy who would take time to make sure her dad, her parents, were on board with his desire to propose.

  “I have a lot to learn, right, God?” His voice was a whisper, mixed with the breeze and the distant sound of the surf. “But I’m ready … You can test me, Lord. It’s okay. I want to grow.”

  That was something else the Bible had taught him. The fact that time and again God’s people needed to spend time on the threshing floor in order to be refined. That fire was a part of the process for anyone desiring a strong relationship with God. What testing had Brandon been through? In some ways he didn’t want to ask God to test him, because there was no telling how the Lord would accomplish that.

  One thing was sure: Bailey would love LA. He stared at the sea, at the beauty in his backyard. But he believed this: God had his best interest in mind. For that reason, he was excited about their date tonight at Katy and Dayne’s. He planned to pull Dayne aside at some point and ask about having weekly Bible studies, a way Brandon might be challenged on a regular basis, a way he might grow because of the wisdom Dayne had already gained along the way.

  And now that he’d read through his new contract thoroughly, now that he’d found sections he was unsure about, he was going to do something else today as soon as possible.

  He was going to call Luke Baxter.

  BAILEY HELPED KATY CUT THE VEGETABLES for that night’s barbecue. They were doing shish-kabobs on the grill, something that never would’ve been possible in Indiana tonight. But here, the sun was shining across the ocean out back and the day hadn’t been any cooler than seventy degrees.

  Another reason to fall in love with it, right, Lord? She’d been keeping an ongoing dialogue with God since she’d arrived in Los Angeles. The timing was perfect. Her time in New York behind her, any thoughts of Cody firmly put to rest. Now with her audition tomorrow she was ready for this next season, believing that the Lord had her here for a reason.

  “I forgot to tell you.” Katy rinsed off the knife she’d been using to cut chunks of onion. “I’m following you on Twitter now.”

  “You are?” Bailey lit up. The time she’d invested in Twitter and Facebook while home in Bloomington remained a priority. Like a whole generation of girls needed a reason to do the right thing, encouragement that believing in God was still in vogue, still the only way to true joy. “I’ve been a lot more into it lately. A lot of teenage girls are looking for someone to follow.”

  “And the cool thing is, you’ll lead them to follow the God they really need — you’re telling them not to settle for anything less.”

  “I hope so.” Bailey loved that Katy had noticed. It made her feel the way she used to feel years ago when Katy lived in their family’s upstairs apartment and led Christian Kids Theater. Back then Bailey would walk on clouds for a week if Katy caught her doing the right thing or improving in some way. “It’s funny … you were that person in my life. I mean, my mom and I are so close. Of course. But I needed a girl to look up to, someone close to my age.”

  “And now you can be that for these girls.” Katy pulled a few zucchini from the refrigerator. “I can’t believe how many people follow you.”

  “It’s because of Brandon.” Bailey rolled her eyes, her laugh lighthearted. “Let’s be honest.”

  “But still … I try to picture all those people filling up a couple of major college football stadiums. It’s a lot of influence.” Katy gave her a quick side hug. “I’m glad you take it seriously.”

  “I do.” In the other room, she could hear the guys laughing with Sophie, playing tennis on the Wii. “We’re almost done here.”

  “I can finish the rest … you go hang out with Brandon.” She smiled at Bailey. “That boy’s crazy about you.”

  “I know.” She lowered her voice. “For the longest time … I sort of thought he was just a friend, someone who made me laugh. You know, that Cody was the right guy for me.” She glanced toward the other room, making sure the guys couldn’t hear her. “Not anymore.”

  “No.” Katy shook her head, a smile dancing in her eyes. “Cody Coleman? That boy missed his chance. And you definitely gave him chances.”

  “Yeah …” She didn’t feel hurt about the past anymore — another benefit of the talk she’d had with Cody just a few days ago. “I’ll always care about him. Just not like that.” She absently found the tiny engraved heart that hung from her necklace, the one Brandon had given her. “I want to be adored, appreciated. I want a guy who’ll fight for me.”

  “I’m pretty sure that’s him.” Katy pointed her knife toward the family room. “Sitting out there.”

  “I know.” Her heart sang inside her. “I feel that way more every day.” She had already told Katy about the seaweed ring and the fact that Brandon wanted to propose. The other day when they’d gone shopping for summer clothes, Katy had even taken her into a jewelry store to see which rings she liked.

  “Because a girl has to dream,” Katy had told her.

  But in the light of day, away from wedding rings — seaweed or solid gold — the idea of getting engaged still felt a ways off. Like she and Brandon had life to figure out first. Big things like whether she could work and live here, and whether the contract he was about to sign would change anything between them.

  Now Katy lowered her voice another notch or two. “Do you think he’s still planning a proposal? At some point soon?”

  “I’m not sure.” Bailey felt a ripple of nervousness. “I wouldn’t mind waiting a little while. You know, see how things work out here.” She didn’t like to think about his looming contract, and the publicity it would likely cause. “We have time. There’s no rush.”

  The guys drifted into the kitchen, laughing over the Wii game they’d just played. “You should see Sophie.” Brandon came up to Bailey and put his hand around her waist. “She’s a better tennis player than anyone on the circuit.” He nodded, his eyes alive with laughter. “I’m serious.”

  For the next fifteen minutes the guys helped thread the skewers with pieces of chicken, pineapple, and vegetables until they had enough to get started. Brandon helped Dayne at the barbecue, and Bailey made a peanut butter sandwich for Sophie. “You’re pretty.” Sophie stood right beside her, casting adoring eyes in her direction. “You can stay in my room, ‘kay, Bailey?”

  Across the kitchen Katy laughed out loud. “I knew she was going to do this. She’s been talking about you living with us nonstop.”

  Bailey smiled at the little girl, and for a moment she tried to imagine how wonderful it would be to have a daughter of her own — a blue-eyed angel looking into her eyes and adoring her. The way she had adored her own mother. The way Sophie w
as looking at her now. The moment passed and she patted Sophie’s head. “Tell you what, sweetheart. I’ll be right across the hall, okay?”

  “And we can have sleepovers, right?”

  Out at the barbecue, Brandon leaned his head in through the patio door and gave her a look that was part flirty, part teasing. “Sleepovers can be fun.”

  “Yeah.” Dayne poked him with the barbecue tongs. “Especially when you’re married.”

  “Of course.” Brandon gave Dayne a look of exaggerated innocence. “That’s what I meant.”

  They all laughed except Sophie, who busied herself getting situated at the table and asking Bailey to put extra strawberry jam on her sandwich. “Please,” Katy reminded her.

  “Please.” Sophie looked happy with herself. She smoothed out her ruffled skirt and fixed her long curls so they fell just right over her shoulders. “Sometimes I feel like a princess. Don’t you, Bailey? Sometimes feel like a princess?”

  “That’s it.” Katy pointed at Dayne. “You need to stop reading her that book — The Princess and the Three Knights. She’s starting to believe she’s royalty.”

  “That’s all right.” Dayne winked at Sophie and then grinned at Katy. “It’s good for little girls to believe that.”

  “I guess.” Katy laughed as she crossed the kitchen and gave Sophie a kiss on her cheek. “You’re always a princess, baby. Don’t forget that.”

  Bailey could almost see herself at that age, her mom bending down and kissing her cheek, telling her she was a princess much the way Sophie believed it now. All teasing aside, Bailey had to agree. It was the way her parents raised her, to believe that she was special, set apart. One-in-a-million. If Sophie grew up that way it would make it easier for her to follow God’s calling. Easier to resist the pitfalls of the world. Because she would want to act in keeping with her place in life. The place of a princess.

  The dinner that night was perfect. Bailey sat by Brandon, and something about him seemed different, deeper. Bailey couldn’t put her finger on it. He didn’t say anything unusual or let on that he was thinking something more intense than the light conversation around the table. It was simply a feeling, a connecting between them at a different level.