Longing

  “It’s nothing.” Her heart hurt with the depth of Brandon’s kindness. “You believe me, right?”

  Brandon chuckled. “If you’re asking me whether I’m crazy about the idea that my girlfriend is about to have a late-night talk with her old boyfriend, then no. I’m not crazy about it.” He waited, until the easy laughter faded from his voice. “But if you’re asking whether I trust you, the answer is yes. I absolutely trust you, Bailey.”

  “Thanks.” Her voice sounded more somber than she meant it to. “That means a lot.” Guilt ran a quick course through her veins. She had no ulterior motive, no plans to do or say anything that would betray Brandon. But if he could’ve read her heart during the game—when she couldn’t take her eyes off Cody—she might have some explaining to do. Not only to him, but to herself.

  “Well, then … I’ll let you go.”

  No, she wanted to say. “I don’t want you to.” Her tone lightened and grew serious all at the same time. “Please don’t let me go.”

  “I won’t, baby.” No doubts lived in his answer. None at all. “Go have your talk. Text me tomorrow when you wake up.”

  “Okay.” She felt lost and unsure. If she were stronger she should’ve told her mother to call Cody and stop the visit. She wouldn’t talk to him, wouldn’t meet with him if she had a backbone. Not after how he’d walked away. Not when she had a boyfriend who deserved her undivided attention. She exhaled and her shoulders slumped forward a little, like someone was pressing down on them. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be.” His smile sounded in his tone. “Hey …”

  She hated this, hated how she felt. “What?”

  “I love you.”

  Hearing him say the words … knowing he’d never said them to anyone but her made her even more conflicted. “I love you too.”

  The call ended and Bailey sat in silence, staring at the long dark driveway in front of the house she grew up in.

  What am I doing, God? Why am I allowing this talk?

  No answer drifted across her heart except one. A Scripture she’d read that morning in her time with God. Romans 8:28:

  I work all things to the good for those who love me.

  Bailey thought about that. All things. That meant the conversation with Cody would somehow wind up being a good thing. Because there was nothing inherently wrong with it, and Brandon had even given his blessing. So she had nothing to feel guilty about. They would share a conversation, nothing more.

  But if that were true then Bailey had no explanation for one thing.

  The way her heart reacted when Cody’s truck came over the hill.

  Five

  BAILEY FELT THE TEMPERATURE DROP THE MOMENT CODY parked along the circle in front of her house. Even in the dark of night, she could feel him watching her, sense his eyes on hers the way she’d sensed them on her at the football game. He climbed out of his truck, slipped his hands into the pockets of his hooded jacket, and made his way up the walk. Everything about the moment, every mannerism of Cody’s, the sway of his body, the easy athletic way he had about him even after his devastating injury in Iraq — all of it was so familiar.

  She stood and waited, holding on to the feeling of seeing him here again, like a vision from some not-quite-forgotten time. He came to her slowly, his eyes on hers right up until he stood a few feet away.

  She had wondered about this moment since the last time she saw him, up at the hospital with Cheyenne. Should she hug him or shake his hand … or should she just keep her distance the next time they might meet? But she had never quite made up her mind, and now he decided for her.

  “Bailey.” Her name was little more than a whisper on his lips. And without hesitating he pulled her close, held her in a way that was familiar. The brotherly sort of hug he used to give her when she was in high school, when neither of them had been ready to admit their feelings for each other.

  The hug lingered, the way it might at a homecoming or a reunion. But the feeling of being in Cody’s arms strangely didn’t stir her heart the way being there once had. As nice as it felt to be hugged by him again, the change, the way this was only a friendship hug, hurt. As if the Cody who had once fallen for her was as gone as those long ago days. Bailey eased away first. She crossed her arms and tried to hide the shiver that ran down her back. He was still looking at her, and she realized the comfort level between them was maybe the one thing that hadn’t changed. “Hi.”

  He stopped a few feet from her, his chest rising, his breathing harder than usual. “Why?” He sounded angrier than he looked. “Why did you run?”

  She forced herself to stay calm. Her eyes held his and she didn’t blink. Instead she looked at him a long time before she answered, her voice quiet and sure. “Why did you?”

  He opened his mouth to say something, to rebut her response and probably demand she stick to his question. That she might give him a reason for turning around and leaving instead of walking up to him and congratulating him back at the stadium like the rest of her family. “Can we sit?”

  Bailey nodded and she led him to the swing, the place where they’d talked so often before. They took opposite sides, in a way that left no danger their elbows or knees might brush against each other. The swing stayed still.

  Cody looked up at the sky. Like maybe he was searching for the right words, the right way to begin. “I’ve wanted to do this ever since that night in the hospital.”

  A pang of frustration slapped at Bailey’s heart. “You have?” Her laugh held no level of humor. “Then why haven’t you?”

  “Because.” His tone rang slightly indignant. “You have a boyfriend, Bailey.” He tossed his hand and let it fall on the arm of the swing. “What’s the difference? You moved on.”

  “You did too.”

  “I didn’t mo — “ Whatever he was going to say he stopped himself. “Forget it.” The muscles in his jaw flexed, and he looked at the ground for a long moment. When he looked up resignation shadowed his expression. “Okay. We both moved on.” He looked defeated, like he didn’t want to fight. “But I thought about this conversation every day, Bailey. Every night.”

  Bailey caught something in that last sentence, something in his tone. Like maybe Cody had doubts about his relationship with Cheyenne. Either way, Bailey didn’t want to talk about Cody’s girlfriend. Instead she let his words wash over her again: He’d thought about having this conversation every day … every night.

  “Bailey … say something …”

  “You thought about this … and not once did you call or text me? Nothing?” She wanted to cry. How could he think about her for such a long time and not call?

  “Again …” He gave a sideways nod, as if his response should be obvious. “You’re in a relationship. I wouldn’t have come tonight if your mom didn’t give me the okay. I don’t go around calling other guys’ girlfriends.”

  She was on her feet, and she could feel anger light up her eyes. “Wait a minute.” She spun around and faced him. “I’m not just some guy’s girlfriend. Remember me, Cody?” She spread her fingers over her heart. “Remember how it was before you went to war and how it was when you came home?” She hesitated, finding a level of control again. “How it was a year ago summer?”

  “Of course.” His voice fell and he dropped his head into his right hand. For a few seconds he massaged his temples with his thumb and forefinger. “Bailey.” He looked up and for a second she thought he might take her hands in his. Instead he crossed his arms again. “Don’t say that. Don’t be angry at me. If I had it to do over again …”

  “You don’t. We don’t.” Only then — in a sudden rush — did she realize he was right. She’d been angry from the moment she saw him earlier at the game, and in this moment her anger seeped through every response, every question or comment. She leaned back against the porch rail and closed her eyes.

  Okay, God. I need You. I’m angry, I am. I don’t want to be nice to him. Help me, Lord … give me the control of Your Holy Spirit.
br />   And in the still of the night she heard His response.

  I am with you, daughter. Be honest … be kind.

  Be honest and kind. Bailey thought about that and instantly the idea stilled her anxious heart. She opened her eyes and looked at him. “I’m sorry. For arguing.” She sat back down on the edge of the swing and looked straight at him. “The truth is, Cody, I’m angry. Really angry at you.”

  He slid back a few inches, clearly surprised by her answer. “You’re angry?”

  “Yes.” She folded her arms and resisted the way her teeth wanted to chatter together, resisted the cold that ran through her. “You and I shared the most amazing summer ever, and a few weeks later it seemed like you fell off the earth. Like you and I never existed.”

  “You were with Brandon.”

  “I was not with him.” She wanted to raise her voice, but she kept control. “I was supposed to be with you, to be honest.” She uttered a single, frustrated laugh. “I told Brandon I had a boyfriend, and he used to tease me. He didn’t believe you were real, because you never came around.”

  Regret flooded his eyes, his expression. For a while he didn’t respond, but then he hung his head before he looked at her again. “I’m sorry. I have my reasons.”

  “Your mom?”

  “Yes.” Cody sounded more serious. “She was involved with some, well, some very dangerous people, Bailey. At the time I was afraid.” Cody’s eyes begged her to understand. “Afraid you’d get hurt. I couldn’t take that.”

  “But, Cody, don’t you see?” She didn’t want to cry, but this was the hardest part. “Your actions … the way it came across … it did hurt me. Like you didn’t care at all.”

  “Of course I cared.” He looked broken. “I ached for even a single minute of this, being with you again.”

  “Then why did you get serious with Cheyenne?”

  Cody set his jaw again.

  Bailey waited. “Cody?” She wasn’t letting the conversation move on from here until she had an answer. Her voice quieted some. “Why did you turn to her?”

  “She needed me.” He looked like maybe those were three of the most difficult words he’d ever said.

  A cool wind picked up, and Bailey felt colder than before. But she kept her distance. They were finally getting somewhere. “Because of her accident? She needed you because of that, or just she needed you … and I didn’t?”

  “You didn’t.” Defeat sounded from the most private places of his being. “Your life is magical, Bailey.” He turned to fully face her. “What could I offer a girl like you?”

  “What you offered me that summer … a love that watched me grow up, that knew me for who I was and cared about my family.” She took a breath. “A love like I’ll never have again, not exactly like it, no matter who God brings into my life.” The cold made her teeth chatter a little. “That’s what you had to offer.”

  For the first time since he pulled up, the conversation between them wasn’t one of questions and explanations. In light of what she’d just told him, for a few precious seconds Cody looked at her the way he had that summer. Back when it felt like they might have found forever. But he kept the distance between them. “So … what happens now?”

  The answer was as easy as her next breath, even if she felt a little sad saying it. “We move on.” She placed her hand on his shoulder for a brief moment. “Back at the game I had this … I don’t know, this physical reaction to seeing you. Like an ache in my heart.” She hugged herself, still cold. “I wasn’t sure what I felt.”

  He didn’t have to say anything. His eyes told her exactly how his heart was reacting to that. That maybe if he’d believed how strongly she felt for him … maybe neither of them would be where they were today.

  “But I was mad. I figured it out.” She felt herself relax, felt her control return a little more. “Angry about the past … but not anymore.” The image of Brandon’s face, the sound of his voice filled her heart. “Having a reaction … feeling something about the past …” She shook her head. “It’s not enough. What I have with Brandon is real.” In all her life she never pictured saying these words to Cody, but it was time. “I love him … I really do.”

  His eyes gave him away at first, about how hard her statement hit him. But then he seemed to find a place of understanding as well. “I get it.” He breathed in deep and sat up a little, distancing himself even more. “I’m not asking you to walk away from Brandon.” He raked his hand over his short hair. “I just … I wanted to explain myself. Why things went the way they did.”

  She nodded. “I appreciate that.” The truth of what she’d said, the depth of her feelings for Brandon were still finding their way to the control center of her heart. But as they did, they felt real and right and true. She couldn’t be mad at Cody. Like he said, they had both moved on.

  “Anyway …” He seemed to catch himself, seemed to remember there was no point to furthering the conversation. Not late at night out here on her parents’ porch. “I can’t stay long. DeMetri is out with the guys, but he’ll be home soon.”

  “DeMetri Smith? Your running back?”

  “Yeah.” Cody smiled, the familiar smile that instantly recalled the close connection they would always share. “He lives with me … Long story.” Cody glanced at her house, at the sound of the boys’ voices beyond the front windows. “Let’s just say God allowed me to do for DeMetri a little of what your parents did for me.”

  Suddenly Bailey remembered the game. “Congratulations, by the way. On the win.”

  “Thanks. We had a lot of help, I know that. DeMetri’s touchdown — not possible without divine intervention. It’s been great … just being a part of it all.”

  This was something she would always love about Cody: his humility. She only wished it had been mixed with the sort of confidence Brandon had. At least where she was concerned. “I’d say God used you in the lives of those players … they’ll never forget Him or this night … or you.”

  “I pray that’s true.” Cody looked more at ease, despite the falling temperature. “DeMetri wants to be a pastor. He’s going to Liberty University, same as Connor, right?”

  “Right. Cody … that’s wonderful.” She couldn’t help but make the obvious connection. Her parents had taken him in and he’d gone into a line of work that might help people. And now he’d helped DeMetri, and the guy wanted to be a pastor. “I guess it’s true, what my dad always says: You never touch just one heart. Because once someone is loved like that, they’ll go on to touch countless hearts. And with God the chain reaction never ends.”

  Cody laughed softly and looked off again. “I remember him saying that. He’d tell us players to walk the halls of school and spread kindness.” He allowed a light bit of laughter. “That didn’t come naturally for most of us. Not back then.”

  “For you it did.” Bailey smiled. If they only had a few minutes left together, she wanted to find her way back to a place of friendship with him. The way she felt when he first got here. “Remember? You wanted to know about that Bryan guy I liked, how he was treating me? You were like the perfect older brother.”

  “Mmmm.” Cody stared straight ahead for a long beat and then found her eyes once more. “The perfect older brother.”

  Bailey realized how that must’ve sounded. But she didn’t care. “That’s what you were back then.” She smiled and gave a light shrug. “Of course, I had a fierce crush on you the whole time, so yeah …”

  The depth in Cody’s face, his eyes told her he was struggling. “Bailey …”

  Whatever he wanted to say he must’ve changed his mind. What could he tell her at this point? That he still had feelings for her? It was too late. That was the sad truth. No matter how long she had loved Cody and no matter what they’d found together once upon a long ago summer, time had moved them to different places. And here … now maybe he was right to keep his feelings to himself.

  Or maybe not.

  She leaned closer, no longer shivering. “Say i
t, Cody … what were you going to tell me?”

  For a long time he only looked at her, as if by doing so he could will himself back to those summer days, back to the time when it seemed nothing could ever come between them. He reached out like he might take her hands in his, but then he seemed to change his mind again. Instead he let his eyes do all the holding either of them were willing to do on this November night. “Like I said … if I could do it over …”

  Her anger from earlier was gone. “We had something very special.”

  “We did….” He looked up, clearly desperate for answers. He found her eyes again. “I didn’t know how to hold onto you. You’re so good, Bailey. I wasn’t sure I could … I could be everything you needed.” He clenched his teeth and breathed in sharply, the sound a reflection of the way his words grated on his heart and hers. He allowed a quick shake of his head. “It wasn’t the drug dealer. I mean … deep down, I wasn’t really worried about your safety.” He exhaled, and the look in his eyes, the ocean of caring and loving was finally, finally the look Bailey remembered. “You were off and running, Bailey. Finding your life. Filming a movie with Brandon Paul, of all people.”

  “You weren’t afraid for my safety.” It wasn’t a question because she understood now. Like never before until this moment, she understood. “I get it. You were afraid for your own.”

  His expression told her she’d hit the reason exactly. “Yes. Losing you … I wasn’t sure I could survive it. So … I told myself it could never work. I walked away instead of believing in us.”

  “Because that was easier?”

  “No.” Cody sat up a little and his strength was palpable. This was the soldier who had survived Iraqi captivity and later saved a whole platoon. “I wasn’t looking for the easy road. I was looking to survive. Blame it on the Army training. When a direction is certain death, we go the other way. Survival, Bailey, that’s all.”