The Shepherd

  I had run out of smooth lines, so I shuffled off into the deli in defeat, mumbling, “Oh, okay.”

  I ordered my burrito and scarfed it down while watching through the window as Rachelle stood alone on the sidewalk awaiting her imaginary friend. To her credit, she was texting like mad on her cell phone, probably trying to get someone to come pick her up.

  I plotted all the cool, witty things I would say to her on my way out the door. I imagined how she’d laugh and accept my gracious offer for a ride, how this would be my chance to make it happen, the one event that changed everything. I inhaled my burrito so fast I burned the roof of my mouth. After quenching the fire with soda, I worked up the courage to go back out there and take another whack at it.

  Rachelle’s furious texting hadn’t stopped, which was encouraging. She probably didn’t have a ride yet. In the end, all my carefully prepared lines deserted me as I stood before the glorious blonde siren of my dreams.

  “Are you sure you don’t need a ride?” Just in case this dope line didn’t do the trick, I exploited Rachelle’s phobia of being late to school. “Lunch ends in ten minutes. If we leave now we’ll make it on time.”

  She bit her lower lip, obviously debating whether or not she’d be stranded if she didn’t accept my offer. She looked around as if she might spot someone, anyone that could offer another alternative.

  I made it plain for her. “It’s me, or a four mile walk back to the high school.”

  She’d probably miss fourth period, if not half of fifth period as well. In the agonizing choice between being late, walking four miles, and a five minute ride with me, I won the tossup.

  “Ahh … okay, thanks.” She smiled weakly.

  Then I remembered I was driving the uncoolmobile, my white ‘89 Geo Tracker with a very 80’s red stripe down the side. My ride was nothing like Tommy’s Jeep Wrangler with a four inch lift and a bumpin’ stereo. I sent out a silent prayer to the god of shitty 80’s vehicles that just this once I’d have a trouble free run back to school.

  Fortune was with me this day. The Geo started right up, the sun shone brightly, and a good song came on the radio as we buckled in for the ride. Rachelle had a look on her face like maybe this isn’t so bad after all. Of course, I had the added bonus that someone would probably see her riding with me, and the rumors would surely drive Tommy batshit jealous. I smiled in appreciation of the damage I might do to Rachelle and Tommy’s relationship with this one simple act.

  Everything was fabulous. I shifted through the gears without missing a single one. The little Geo hummed right along. Then I had to open my big, stupid mouth. “Hey Rach, I’ve been meaning to ask, would you go to homecoming with me?” Like a train screeching on its brakes, my perfect opportunity ground to a halt as Rachelle’s face scrunched up in disgust.

  “Well, um, I’m going with someone already. Sorry.”

  The bright, shining future I’d imagined with Rachelle died a horribly painful death and shriveled into dust on my dashboard, swirling in the weak breeze of air conditioning. The stench of awkwardness filled the car, so thick it was stifling. Rachelle grunted as she manually turned the lever to roll down the window for a shot of fresh air.

  My cloak of invisibility wasn’t working at the moment. I felt all too exposed to Rachelle. I mumbled, “Oh. I see. Okay.”

  I remained silent the rest of the way, fumbling out the word, “Later”, as we went our separate ways in the parking lot of the school. Rachelle couldn’t get out of there fast enough. She was nearly jogging to get away from me. Fortune had smiled upon me and then pissed on my head all within a span of fifteen minutes.

  * * * *

  I caught up with Anita after school let out. We headed to the amphitheater on the lakefront, at McCosh Park, directly behind the aquatic center. McCosh had it all: tennis courts, picnic areas, barbecue pits, playgrounds, the amphitheater, the aquatic center, and right there across the street, our little skatepark.

  Moses Lake cops wished we were all confined to the skatepark. But like Richard was fond of saying, “You can wish in one hand and shit in the other. See which one fills up faster.” On this day the usual suspects assembled at the amphitheater for practice runs on our video shoot. In preparation for the video, a shaggy blond-haired freshman named Gibbs rubbed down the edge of the concrete amphitheater stage with candle wax, creating a slippery smooth surface for the grind action to come.

  Seeing the crowd assembled for the video, I itched to get in on the action. I was most comfortable on my board. My world aligned as my feet touched down on the grip tape. Everything drained away in those moments. I was simply Mike, a skater on a board. Nothing else mattered.

  But truthfully, I wasn’t all that on a board. Anita’s brother, Raphael Gomez, rips. He was fucking awesome.

  Rafe resembled his sister in coloring, the golden skin and sable hair with dark-brown-almost-black eyes, but that’s as far as the likeness went. Unlike Anita, Rafe was tall, slim, with high cheek bones and a proud beak of a nose. He was all sharp angles, no soft curves like his sister.

  That’s how I met Anita, through Rafe at the skatepark. Though a senior, Rafe wasn’t too proud to hang with the lowly freshmen, sophomores, and even a few kids from Junior high. A hardcore skater, Rafe had skate or die stickers on his Kawasaki Ninja crotch rocket.

  He bought the bike after I bought the Geo from Papa Gomez. The Geo had been Rafe’s luv macheen, his first car. Somehow the little SUV had always seemed a whole lot cooler with Rafe behind the wheel. When I drove the Geo I felt like trailer trash in a piece-of-shit car.

  Rafe was practicing his moves. He executed a sweet board slide down the steel rail off the side of the stage. Rafe’s moves always looked sharp. He hopped up in the air to catch the top of the rail and slid-ground all the way down. He landed with a slight skid, gracefully dipping into the impact. I thought he had a real shot at going pro, at least catch a sponsor, free boards and stuff. But Papa Gomez insisted Rafe attend college. Probably a good idea.

  It was a flagrant violation of city regulations to skate here, but we were careful not to get caught. We had a kid atop the arched entryway to the amphitheater, keeping watch for the bike cops that patrolled through McCosh Park. We played a never-ending game of cat and mouse with police. Like animals in the wild, civilization and its expanding regulations was constantly stealing the skater’s natural habitat of urban sprawl. It seemed like every week a new place posted a sign No skating on premises. It was a daily ordeal, regulating errant skaters. We fled like roaches slipping into the cracks and crevices of the city.

  I stepped up to take my turn at the rail, doing my best to emulate Rafe’s graceful landings. Occasionally I hit it just right, but mostly I ended up on my ass. After biting it hard in a tumble, I decided to give it a break. Let someone else bust their ass for a while.

  As I watched another skater go at it, I admitted to Anita, “Rafe maxed out that rail. Anything we try has already been done.” She snickered as the kid bit it on his way down, proving the rail had become the exclusive rights property of her brother.

  Sitting on the grass slope of the amphitheater while Anita dabbed at the blood on my elbows, something occurred to me. Someone was missing from the usual suspects. “Hey, I haven’t seen Justin. I thought he was planning to be here.”

  Anita snickered, “He’s got a new crew now. Too busy dumping perfume in your locker. Too cool to skate with looosers.”

  “I guess. And you’re right, I know that asshole did it, or Tommy, or both of them. I just never thought I’d see Justin miss a video shoot. Remember he was always talking about getting rich off Google ads and YouTube?”

  “Yeah, well, people gotta face reality someday. We can’t all be internet millionaires.” Anita sighed.

  “You sure know how to dash a man’s dreams.”

  She nodded absently while watching the next guy splatter to the ground on a botched rail slide.

  Sitting there, musing about dashed dreams, I was reminded of my idiocy
with Rachelle. “So, you catch a date to homecoming yet?”

  Anita looked at me strangely, shaking her head no. She asked quietly, “And you?”

  “Well, how about this for a dream that will never come true: Would you believe I asked Rachelle? How stupid?” I didn’t want to face Anita. I already knew she was gonna blast me. But she didn’t say a word.

  Anita stared hard, boring into me with her accusing eyes. Avoiding her gaze, I finally turned to her when she had remained silent for too long. I saw the look in her eyes and immediately tried to explain. “Her and Tommy broke up. They had a fight and he left her behind. I thought maybe I had a chance.” I caught Anita’s wicked, burning stare and kept on explaining. “I’m not a total idiot, I didn’t just do it out of the blue. It seemed like the right time, but I was way wrong. Shot down in flames. It was a massacre. Look, I’m still bleeding.” I pointed to my skinned elbow, the one Anita hadn’t gotten to yet.

  After another moment of loaded silence she finally blew, the pressure all the greater for the time it built up. “Are you retarded or something?” she screeched.

  “Um, I guess, I said it was stupid didn’t I? Does it feel good to shove it in my face?”

  “Yeah I’m gonna rub it in! I should kick your retarded ass! I can’t believe you. Oh god, I can’t believe you’re really that dumb.” She was in my face, furious.

  “Hey! Back off! It’s not like you’re doing any better finding a date.”

  She hit me in the shoulder with a closed fist, pretty solid. Anita was literally mad enough to fight. She growled in my face, “Duh, Captain Obvious! So why don’t you stop being such an asshole and ask me to homecoming? You think I have a gang of men slobbering over me, standing in line waiting to ask?”

  “OH …”

  The dim light of truth started to flicker in my mind. The realization that Anita had been silently waiting for me to ask her finally oozed past the heavily mortared layers of denial. Her big brown eyes were wet with the tears streaming down her face. Rafe stared at us frowning, intently watching his sister blow up in my face.

  “So what? Do my tits need to grow another cup size before you get it through that thick head of yours?” She grabbed her breasts and pushed up, giving them the appearance of growing larger as they strained against the fabric of her shirt and bra.

  “Shit, Anita, I’m such an ass. Of course I’ll take you! Why didn’t you say something earlier? You’re my best friend. You know I’d do anything for you. I didn’t think you wanted to go!”

  She wiped the tears from her eyes, smearing eye shadow everywhere, “What does it take for you to see me as a girl, as a woman?” She choked on the words as she cried.

  “I don’t know, I didn’t know. Everything’s different with you. You’re like one of the guys. It’s weird to think of you like a girl. I mean, I’ve told you things you only say to other guys. You know what I’m saying?”

  “Do you think any of that matters? Even dumbass Justin figured it out. Whenever your back was turned he had his hands all over me, kissing me, reaching up my shirt! Why can’t you see me that way?”

  “That asshole. I didn’t know, Anita. I guess I am an idiot. Can you forgive me?”

  “You think it’s that easy? You think I’d go with you just because no one else asked? I’m not going anywhere with you! Take me home. I don’t want to talk about it anymore!” More tears streamed down her makeup-streaked face and I felt like a huge dung heap. Rafe was shaking his head.

  I dropped Anita at home, a two-story four bedroom on Hill Avenue, aptly named because the street flowed east and west across the hills of Moses Lake. I couldn’t think of anything to say beyond, “Sorry.” Anita didn’t say another word. She stomped off leaving me standing in her driveway, confused and irritated. The emotional climate between us had turned into a wicked storm as we sailed into unchartered territory.

  I considered returning to the amphitheater to catch a few more rail slides, but Rafe pulled in behind me on his Ninja, skateboard strapped to the rear cargo rack. He threw down his kickstand and blocked my exit. I didn’t know what to expect, but I stepped out of my car and faced Rafe.

  He eyed me closely for a second then began his speech. “I’ve been watching you two for a while, and I promised not to get involved. Well, actually, Anita made me swear to keep my mouth shut or she’d kill me. But I can’t keep watching this mess. She’s my baby sister, I love her, but she’s got a problem. Have you figured it out yet?”

  ‘Uncomfortable’ was my word for the day. Definitely my day for awkward moments. I answered cautiously, “I think so.”

  Rafe kept eyeing me and shook his head. “I don’t think you get it. Did you really think a chick is your best friend for no reason? Come on man, you can’t be that slow! Anita’s had it bad for you since day one. She never stops talking about you.”

  I let out the breath I’d been holding, ran my hands through my hair, and finally admitted, “I don’t know. Maybe I did suspect something. But she’s my best friend. If we start … whatever … I just don’t want to lose my best friend. And she never said anything until now. How was I supposed to know?”

  “I’ll give it to you straight ‘cause we’re friends. I like you, Mike. And I don’t think you’re lying. The truth is everyone but you knows she’s got a thing for you. Hell, alotta guys think you two are going together. It’s so obvious. You’re together all the time, every day. You text like twenty times a day.”

  “I know, I know. I never thought about it that way! I know that sounds dumb, but it’s the truth.”

  “It’s time you start. Anita likes you – a lot. I know she ain’t exactly Jennifer Lopez, and she knows it too. She’s real insecure. You hear what I’m sayin’?”

  I nodded, keeping my mouth shut, eating crow.

  “She’s all tied up in knots over you, and your stupid ass don’t even know it. What I’m saying is, if you don’t like her that way, then tell her now, before it gets any worse. She’ll be hurt, but I prefer you be honest with her now. The longer it goes on the more it’ll hurt. We’re bros and all, but blood’s thicker than water. I gotta stand by my sister on this one. You understand?”

  “Yeah.” I nodded again.

  Rafe stepped up closer, getting in my face. “You need to come straight with her. Take care of my little sister. She’s a real good person, and she doesn’t deserve to be treated like shit by her best friend.”

  I didn’t back down, even though Rafe was a little taller, older, and probably stronger. “I get it. I’m not gonna treat her that way. She’s my best friend. I’ll talk to her tomorrow, after she’s had a chance to calm down. Okay? Are we straight?” I held my ground, waiting for Rafe to do his worst.

  We eyed each other for a moment, then Rafe made his decision. “Yeah, we’re straight. You just make sure you do the right thing.” We bumped fists, breaking the tension. He moved his bike out the way and waved his arm indicating I could leave.

  After all that, I didn’t feel up to skating anymore, so I headed home to sulk. Good thing I could always count on Dad to ignore me. He acknowledged my entry into the house with a grunt.

  Sitting in my room, my mind raced back and forth about Anita. I didn’t know what to think, what to do. Did I really want to date her? What would it be like to kiss her? What would it do to our friendship? Would everything change? I felt like I could talk to her about virtually anything. She made me laugh like no one else. She knew me better than anyone, probably even better than my own father.

  I went in endless circles, trying to understand why Anita never said any of this before. Why did she wait so long? Why did she lead me to believe we were just friends? None of it made sense. I couldn’t help but feel cheated, like I was missing something vital. How could I begin to understand what goes on in a girl’s mind when I don’t even have a mother?

  Whenever I went down that road I came to the same burning questions over and over again. Why did my mother do it? Why did she go through with my birth when she k
new what would happen?

  Richard never liked to talk about it, but I felt like now more than ever I needed to know. In my frustration, I snatched up the photo of my mother off the dresser and stomped out to the living room. Richard sat on the couch, three beers deep. The stack of empties on the floor measured his progress.

  “Why did she do it?” I stood there with my mother’s picture held out in accusation. Richard tried to ignore me, but I stood my ground, picture in hand, and waited him out.

  Richard finally answered, “I told you why. She said she wasn’t willing to give you up.” His face pinched up in a grimace as he spoke. Sixteen years later and it was still a sore spot.

  “Yeah I know that, but why? I don’t understand why she’d do it when she knew! She knew it would kill her! Didn’t she tell you she saw it in one of her visions? She knew exactly what would happen!”

  “I don’t have answers for you.” Richard looked me right in the eyes. “I told her to get an abortion, but she wouldn’t listen.”

  This was why we never spoke of it. No one wanted to tear the scabs off the old wounds. I didn’t want to be reminded about the circumstances of my birth any more than my father did. The inconvenient truth was that my entry into this world had killed my mother, and my father didn’t seem to be able to forgive me for it. There was our fat-nasty problem, and we avoided it constantly.

  “That’s not helping me at all. You said she knew she was gonna die. I just don’t understand why she did it.” I felt like putting my fist through the panel walls in this rotten old trailer. “And I’m sorry.”

  “For what?”

  “For being born.”

  “Mike, wait. That’s not …” I walked away, slipping in my iPod earbuds. I cranked up The White Stripes.

  Richard stood at my bedroom door saying something. I ignored him.

  Weezer, Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Prodigy, these were the only things I wanted to hear. Richard finally let me be and closed my bedroom door. I dozed off in bed as the iPod worked its way through my playlist.