Midnight Lily

  "I grew up with him. He was my best friend, my—"

  "He was your hero." Lily's voice came to me as a whisper. "And you never got to tell him."

  I nodded my head, the pain easing slightly. "Yes," I said. "Yes."

  "Oh, Boy Scout," she said, and I heard the tears in her voice. I turned in to her and she was there, her arms open. I leaned forward and laid my head on her lap and she wrapped her arms around me and rested her head on top of mine as the tears fell for my best friend. Her clean, comforting scent enveloped me, and I felt safe. Finally. I finally felt safe. I felt loved. "I think he knew," she said softly. "I'm sure of it. And you never really lost him. He'll always be a part of you. Always."

  After what seemed like hours, but in reality was probably more like ten minutes, I began to sit up, the embarrassment that I'd fallen apart in Lily's arms overwhelming. I hadn't put any more wood in the fire pit, and for a moment I stared at the low, dying fire, trying to get a grasp on my emotions. There was a certain feeling of relief at having shared some of that terrible night with Lily, but I knew there was more, skating just on the edges of my mind. I pushed it back. I wasn't strong enough to take it all at once. Wasn't strong enough . . . Lily leaned back and stood, pulling me with her. My thoughts vanished for the moment and blessed emptiness filled my head as I followed her toward the door, watching her hips sway as she walked.

  She turned toward me, standing so close I had to tip my head down to look into her face. The night was gathering darkness, but the few lights that were on in the house cast a muted glow.

  "Will you show me where you sleep, Boy Scout?" she asked softly. My heart picked up speed and my mouth went dry as I nodded.

  "It's . . . just . . . right up the stairs," I said stupidly.

  She nodded, opening the door and going inside. I followed her, trailing behind, a case of nerves suddenly assaulting me. God, I hoped she meant what I thought she meant. When we both reached the top of the stairs, she stopped and let me lead the way to the small bedroom I'd chosen at the end of the hall. I flicked on the light and for a moment Lily stood in the doorway, looking around. The room was simple, with only a queen-sized bed covered in a dark blue comforter, a wooden dresser, and a bedside table. I hadn't wanted to sleep in the master bedroom. Something about that had seemed disrespectful. That was Brandon's room. My duffle bag was on the floor by the closet.

  I watched as Lily approached me, reaching for both my hands. "I want you," she said softly.

  I swallowed heavily, blood rushing to my cock, causing it to swell and strain against my jeans. "Are you sure?" I asked, my voice shaky. "There's still so much—"

  She put her fingers up to my lips. "Yes. In this room, tonight, where we can just be . . . us. Can we let all the rest of it go? Just for tonight? Here, just let it be you and me and nothing else. Nothing else at all." There was something so very knowing in her expression. "We deserve that, don't we?"

  I was lost to her. Lost and found at the same time. How was that? "Do we?" I asked.

  "Yes, I think we do."

  "And you . . . you want me?" I asked, feeling awed, bewildered, grateful.

  Her lips tipped up into a smile. "Is that so very hard to believe?"

  "I . . . I don't know." I frowned.

  She nodded. "Then let me believe for you." And she leaned up on her tiptoes and kissed me. I moaned at the taste of her. Sugary marshmallow and Lily. I cupped her delicate face in my hands and tilted my head so I could taste her more deeply, tease her tongue with mine. She clutched my shoulders and blood rushed in my ears as lust spiked through my veins. I wanted her. I wanted to learn every part of her. All the kissing we'd done over the past week had served to drive me wild with want. I'd come back to the lodge night after night aching for her, yearning to hold her through the night. I was desperate now. I wanted her in a way I'd never wanted a woman before. Right here, right now, I could believe she was the only woman I'd ever touched.

  Lily turned on the small bedside lamp and then turned off the overhead light before returning to me. She rubbed her body against mine, causing my erection to throb and pulse. I let out another moan as I cupped her breast, using my thumb to rub her nipple through the thin material of her dress. Lily gasped out a tiny sound of pleasure.

  Lost . . . lost. And found.

  I pulled back and looked at Lily's face, her eyes lowered with passion and her lips swollen and red from my kisses. I brought my hand back to her face and used my thumb to trace the line of her cheekbone. "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen," I whispered.

  Lily's eyes lowered, her lips curving up. She used her feet to kick off her loosely laced boots and met my eyes right before turning and moving her hair over her shoulder and tilting her head forward. I reached up and slowly began lowering the zipper of her dress, leaning in and kissing down her spine as more of her skin was revealed. She shivered, and I smiled against the warmth of her bare back, continuing to move my mouth along with the zipper, inhaling the clean smell of her skin, my tongue darting out to taste her. When I got to her bra strap, I leaned up and unhooked it.

  Lily turned around and let both the dress and the bra fall to her feet, hooking her thumbs into her white underwear and letting them fall as well. She stood before me naked, her eyes lowered so her lashes brushed her cheeks. She moved from one foot to the other, looking unsure, moving her arms as if she wanted to cover her breasts, but was resisting.

  I reached out and put my hands on her forearms. "Please," I said, my voice gravelly, "please let me look at you." She let her arms hang loosely at her sides, licked her lips, and raised her eyes to meet mine. I was as hard as stone, and all I wanted to do was lay her down and make her mine. I allowed my eyes to roam over her naked body, from her slender shoulders to her small, round breasts with their deep pink nipples—puckered under my stare—to her flat stomach, and down farther to the V of dark curls between her thighs.

  "You're perfect," I told her. There wasn't another man on the planet who had gazed upon her like this. Only me. "My Lily, my ghost," I smiled, "my dream. Only mine." I leaned back in and kissed her again, deeply, moving down her neck as she arched her head back and panted sweet little sounds of pleasure. When my mouth found her nipple, she jerked and mewled, grinding her pelvis into mine. I licked and sucked, bringing one hand around her waist to hold her steady as I tasted her. My other hand skimmed down her ribs, my fingers moving over each tender bone, skating over her belly and finally down to the warm place between her thighs. Warm and so wet. So ready. "Lily," I choked, shivering slightly at the power of my desire for her.

  She broke from my embrace, stepping backward and sitting down on the bed behind her. I pulled my shirt off and kicked off my shoes, bending to quickly remove my socks, and when I stood again to unbutton my jeans, Lily had pulled the sheets back and was lying naked on the bed. For a moment my hands stilled, and my mind went completely, utterly blank. I let my jeans fall and stepped out of them and then my boxers, kneeling on the bed between her thighs and kissing her lips. When I pulled away, I cupped her warmth with my hand. She moaned. "Lily, you have no idea how much I want you, how beautiful you look." She gazed at me with such tenderness, my heart squeezed. I came down on top of her and rubbed my nose on hers, smiling, filled with so much love for the incredible girl beneath me. She was so soft, like silk.

  She brought a hand up to her cheek and closed her eyes, raising her eyebrows and laughing softly. "Am I supposed to be this nervous?"

  I smiled. "I think it's normal. But I won't do anything you don't want me to do, okay?"

  "Okay," she whispered, pulling me in for another kiss. Her hand moved tentatively between our bodies, and I pulled back to let her explore, releasing a breath, trembling in an effort to control my own breathing. Her fingers touched the head of my erection, and I gasped as she explored me, the look on her face intent and awed. "You feel like velvet," she said and I smiled before kissing her again.

  "Wrap your fingers around me. Hold me in your hand,
" I begged her. She did as I instructed, and I moaned. It felt like heaven. She ran her fingers up and down my shaft until I thought I'd explode in her hand. My knee was between her legs, and as she touched me, she pressed against my thigh, moaning softly.

  "Are you sure you want this, Lily?" I whispered.

  "Yes, yes," she said, "please."

  I was trembling, and not from the pills this time. I could almost feel myself pushing into her warm, welcoming heat and knew just how she'd feel all around me. I nodded, leaning up and checking the bedside table for the condom I hoped to God was there. It was. Good ol' Brandon. I ripped it open and Lily watched me with wide eyes as I rolled it on. I leaned in and kissed her again, lowering my hand between her legs and bringing her silken liquid up to the swollen bud that made her cry out when I circled it with my finger. "Oh God, oh God," she breathed, bucking upward.

  Leaning back in, I took one nipple into my mouth while I used my finger to touch and play between her legs. After a minute, she began circling her hips and moaning, and then she came with a gasping cry and a long shudder. So responsive. Breathtaking. Her eyes flew open, and she blinked several times the way she had the first time I'd made her come, as if she wasn't sure exactly what had happened. I couldn't help grinning as I kissed her again.

  Watching her writhe in pleasure had practically undone me. I put one hand behind her knee and pulled her leg up, opening her to me. "Guide me in," I said. "I won't go deeper unless you tell me to."

  She lifted her head and wrapped her fingers around me and lined me up at her entrance. Then she lay back and looked up into my eyes as I pushed just the head of my penis inside, hissing out at the tight clamp of her body. "Jesus, Lily," I said. "You feel so good."

  "More," she said, and a shiver ran down my spine as I pushed inside.

  "That okay?" I choked out. I wanted to pound myself inside her so badly I was aching, desperate. She nodded her head, but her expression had become pained.

  "More," she said, but there was an edge of hesitation in her voice. When I didn't move, she repeated the word with more force. "More."

  I breathed deeply for a second, lowering my face to the crook of her neck and then with one swift motion, I pushed all the way inside her, growling with the intense, gripping pleasure, pinpoints of light bursting before my eyes.

  Lily's body went rigid, and when I lifted my head she was biting her lip, and there were tears in her eyes. "That's the worst of it," I said. "I promise. I'll make it better now, okay? Trust me?"

  Her eyes met mine and there, joined with her, the moment felt profound. It felt more than physical. It felt like our hearts were joined, too. I'd never experienced this before. Never. "Yes," she whispered again, touching my face very gently. "Yes, Boy Scout, I trust you." My heart squeezed as I felt her body relax. I understood the gift she was giving me—not just her body, but her open trust, her willingness to be so vulnerable. Though instinct was instructing me to thrust and pound, I moved slowly, gently, letting her body grow accustomed to mine.

  "Better?" I asked. "Okay?"

  She nodded. "Yes, better. That feels nice." And I began to move, in and out, her body wrapped so tightly around me, I thought I'd die of pleasure. "I love you," I chanted. "I love you." I did, I loved her. I had never loved anyone like I loved Lily, and I knew I never would.

  "I love you, too," she whispered into my ear. I felt the wetness of her tears on my cheek and wondered why she was crying, hoping it was because of the intensity of this experience. "I love you, Boy Scout."

  Thrusting into her once more, my abdomen tightened, and I pressed deeply as my body shuddered in release, the pleasure spreading from my cock, down my thighs and all the way to my toes. "I love you," I said again, circling my hips to milk the pleasure and then stilling. "I love you."

  I burrowed my face into the side of her neck, inhaling her sweet scent, as her hands moved caressingly over my back, her fingers stilling here and there as she traced a scar, circling her finger around a small one on my shoulder blade that I couldn't remember how I'd gotten. My brain felt cloudy with happiness and pleasure. Smiling and kissing up her still-wet jaw, I ended at her lips. She was smiling, too. She tasted both salty and sweet.

  "Lily of the Night," I whispered. "My Lily of the Night. Are you okay?"

  She smiled sweetly at me and nodded. I kissed her one last time before I pulled out of her and she yelped softly.

  "I know. I don't like that part either," I said. I made a quick trip to the bathroom where I flushed the condom and returned to bed.

  I lay back down and pulled Lily to me, hugging her against my body. She was soft, and sweet, and warm. "Will you come home with me?"

  "We are at your home," she said distractedly, running a fingertip around my nipple, watching as it hardened beneath her touch. I shivered.

  "No, my real home. I don't mean tomorrow. I mean in a couple weeks. Once I'm . . . feeling better. Will you come back to San Francisco with me?"

  She was quiet for a moment, her finger stilling. "I can't. My mother . . ." A slight look of confusion crossed her beautiful features, but then it disappeared, making me wonder if I'd just imagined it.

  "Your mother could come with us. Hell, I'll buy your mother her own house."

  She smiled. "She'd never allow that. It's just not possible."

  I tilted my head to look down at her. "Lily, she can't expect you to live on the edge of the woods for the rest of your life. What kind of life do you really have out here?"

  "You don't know what my life is like," she said, her voice sounding harder. "Not really."

  I sighed. The last thing I wanted to do was fight with her or push her after what we'd just done. "I know. I just mean . . . aren't you lonely?"

  She hesitated before answering. "Yes. Sometimes. But not tonight." She snuggled closer, covering a small yawn. "Hold me." I pulled her tighter, kissing her head. We would talk about this in a couple days when I'd gone through the worst of the withdrawals. My body tensed at the thought alone. Here we go again. But I'd worry about that tomorrow. Tonight I had Lily. I fell asleep holding her in my arms, the smell of us bringing me happiness and comfort.

  At some point in the middle of the night, I woke up to hear her whimpering softly and pulled her to me more tightly. "Shh," I crooned. "You're just dreaming."

  "Don't leave me," she murmured, a note of fearful distress in her sleepy tone.

  "Lily," I said, shaking her a bit. "Wake up, you're dreaming."

  I could barely see her eyes open in the dark and for a second she just stared at me as if she didn't know where she was or who she was with. "Boy Scout," she finally murmured as she relaxed against me, wrapping her arms around my waist and falling back to sleep. I waited a few minutes and then got up as slowly and quietly as possible. I went to the bathroom and relieved myself and then retrieved a couple pills from the bottle I'd left in the medicine cabinet. I raised them to my lips and then hesitated. I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror for a moment, thinking of Lily, thinking of all she'd given me, feeling my love for her flow through my body like a healing balm. I love you, Boy Scout. I wanted to be better for Lily. She deserved more than the man I was right now. I tossed the pills in the toilet and flushed. And then I took the two bottles Taylor had brought and emptied those into the toilet, too, and flushed again, exhaling a long gust of breath. I tossed both empty bottles in the trash. That was that. Jesus, that was that.

  Nestled back in bed with Lily's warm body, I somehow fell immediately back to sleep.

  I woke to the sunrise streaming through the window. The beast inside was clawing at my guts.

  And I was alone.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Holden

  It hurt. Oh God, it hurt so badly. My body was a flaming ball of fiery pain, each muscle screaming in agony. You can do this. You can do this. Lily. Lily. I was just so damned thirsty. Thirsty to the point of pain. But whenever I'd tried to drink anything, it came right back up. I wanted Lily. But I couldn't let her see me t
his way.

  You can do this.

  I wanted to be back in that bed with her. I just wanted to live there forever.

  You can. Once you get through this. You can.

  I needed air. I groaned, managing to drag myself from the couch out to the deck where I gulped in big breaths of fresh air. A muscle in my leg seized and I screamed, grabbing the back of my thigh. I hopped a couple steps, my leg coming out from under me. I hadn't realized I was right near the top of the stairs until I was plunging down them. I heard something crack and more pain exploded in my body. I couldn't even pinpoint where—it happened too fast. And then I slammed into the concrete below, stars bursting before my eyes, right before everything went black.

  I was in the woods.

  I hurt and yet I kept moving forward, moving toward Lily.

  I just needed Lily.

  I had to find her.

  Everything ached, and I didn't know how long I could keep walking.

  Shaking so violently I could barely see.

  Lily.

  I moved forward anyway, tripping, falling here and there, losing time, coming to as I stumbled forward some more.

  Lily.

  And then I stepped into nothing. I yelled out loudly as the earth dropped out beneath me.

  Lily.

  Falling.

  Falling.

  Pain bursting.

  Lily.

  **********

  My head was throbbing, the light too bright behind my closed lids. I grimaced, turning my head and moaning, falling halfway back into the sleep I'd been pulled from in some way I couldn't remember. My hand felt heavy and numb.

  I heard a voice. Lily, it was Lily's voice. The answer to a prayer. She was talking to someone in whispered tones. I tried to pull myself out of sleep, but was too tired. Too tired. Random words and phrases floated my way, but I didn't have the strength to try to grasp them.