Love's Labour's Lost (Arden Shakespeare)

  When they are thirsty, fools would fain have drink394.

  BEROWNE This jest is dry395 to me. Fair gentle sweet,

  Your wits makes wise things foolish. When we greet,396

  With eyes best seeing, heaven's fiery eye,

  By light we lose light. Your capacity398

  Is of that nature that to399 your huge store

  Wise things seem foolish and rich things but poor.

  ROSALINE This proves you wise and rich, for in my eye401--

  BEROWNE I am a fool, and full of poverty.

  ROSALINE But that you take what doth to you belong,

  It were a fault to snatch words from my tongue.

  BEROWNE O, I am yours, and all that I possess!

  ROSALINE All the fool mine?

  BEROWNE I cannot give you less.

  ROSALINE Which of the vizards was it that you wore?

  BEROWNE Where? When? What vizard? Why demand you this?

  ROSALINE There, then, that vizard; that superfluous case410

  That hid the worse and showed the better face.

  Aside

  KING We are descried412; they'll mock us now downright.

  Aside

  DUMAINE Let us confess and turn it to a jest.

  PRINCESS Amazed414, my lord? Why looks your highness sad?

  ROSALINE Help, hold his brows415! He'll swoon! Why look you pale?

  Sea-sick, I think, coming from Muscovy416.

  BEROWNE Thus pour the stars down plagues for perjury.

  Can any face of brass418 hold longer out?

  Here stand I lady, dart thy skill419 at me;

  Bruise me with scorn, confound me with a flout420,

  Thrust thy sharp wit quite through my ignorance,

  Cut me to pieces with thy keen conceit422,

  And I will wish423 thee never more to dance,

  Nor never more in Russian habit wait424.

  O, never will I trust to speeches penned,

  Nor to the motion426 of a schoolboy's tongue,

  Nor never come in vizard to my friend427,

  Nor woo in rhyme, like a blind harper's428 song!

  Taffeta phrases, silken terms precise429,

  Three-piled430 hyperboles, spruce affectation,

  Figures pedantical431; these summer-flies

  Have blown432 me full of maggot ostentation.

  I do forswear them; and I here protest,

  By this white glove -- how white the hand, God knows! --

  Henceforth my wooing mind shall be expressed

  In russet yeas and honest kersey436 noes.

  And, to begin, wench -- so God help me, law437! --

  My love to thee is sound, sans438 crack or flaw.

  ROSALINE Sans 'sans'439, I pray you.

  BEROWNE Yet I have a trick440

  Of the old rage441. Bear with me, I am sick.

  I'll leave it by degrees442. Soft, let us see:

  Write, 'Lord have mercy on us'443 on those three.

  They are infected, in their hearts it lies:

  They have the plague, and caught it of445 your eyes.

  These lords are visited, you are not free446,

  For the Lord's tokens447 on you do I see.

  PRINCESS No, they are free448 that gave these tokens to us.

  BEROWNE Our states449 are forfeit. Seek not to undo us.

  ROSALINE It is not so, for how can this be true,

  That you stand forfeit, being those that sue451?

  BEROWNE Peace! For I will not have to do452 with you.

  ROSALINE Nor shall not, if I do as I intend.

  To the Lords

  BEROWNE Speak for yourselves. My wit is at an end.

  KING Teach us, sweet madam, for our rude transgression

  Some fair excuse.

  PRINCESS The fairest is confession.

  Were you not here but even458 now disguised?

  KING Madam, I was.

  PRINCESS And were you well advised460?

  KING I was, fair madam.

  PRINCESS When you then were here,

  What did you whisper in your lady's ear?

  KING That more than all the world I did respect464 her.

  PRINCESS When she shall challenge465 this, you will reject her.

  KING Upon mine honour, no.

  PRINCESS Peace, peace, forbear467.

  Your oath once broke, you force not to forswear468.

  KING Despise me when I break this oath of mine.

  PRINCESS I will: and therefore keep it.-- Rosaline,

  What did the Russian whisper in your ear?

  ROSALINE Madam, he swore that he did hold me dear

  As precious eyesight, and did value me

  Above this world: adding thereto moreover

  That he would wed me or else die my lover.

  PRINCESS God give thee joy of him. The noble lord

  Most honourably doth uphold his word.

  KING What mean you, madam? By my life, my troth,

  I never swore this lady such an oath.

  ROSALINE By heaven, you did; and to confirm it plain,

  You gave me this. But take it, sir, again.

  Shows the Princess' favor

  KING My faith and this the princess I did give.

  I knew her by this jewel on her sleeve.

  PRINCESS Pardon me, sir, this jewel did she wear,

  And Lord Berowne, I thank him, is my dear.--

  To Berowne as she shows Rosaline's favor

  What, will you have me or your pearl again?

  BEROWNE Neither of either, I remit487 both twain.

  I see the trick on't. Here was a consent488,

  Knowing aforehand of our merriment,

  To dash it like a Christmas comedy490.

  Some carry-tale, some please-man, some slight zany491,

  Some mumble-news, some trencher-knight, some Dick492

  That smiles his cheek in years and knows the trick493

  To make my lady laugh when she's disposed494,

  Told our intents before, which once disclosed,

  The ladies did change favours and then we,

  Following the signs, wooed but the sign of she497.

  Now, to our perjury to add more terror,

  We are again forsworn in will and error.

  To Boyet

  Much upon this 'tis500.-- And might not you

  Forestall our sport, to make us thus untrue?

  Do not you know my lady's foot by th'squier502,

  And laugh upon the apple503 of her eye?

  And stand between her back, sir, and the fire504,

  Holding a trencher505, jesting merrily?

  You put our page out: go, you are allowed.

  Die when you will, a smock shall be your shroud.507

  You leer508 upon me, do you? There's an eye

  Wounds like a leaden sword509.

  BOYET Full merrily hath this brave manage, this career510, been run.

  BEROWNE Lo, he is tilting straight511! Peace! I have done.

  Enter Clown [Costard]

  Welcome, pure wit! Thou partest a fair fray512.

  COSTARD O lord, sir, they would513 know

  Whether the three Worthies shall come in or no.

  BEROWNE What, are there but three?

  COSTARD No, sir, but it is vara516 fine,

  For every one pursents517 three.

  BEROWNE And three times thrice is nine.

  COSTARD Not so, sir -- under correction, sir -- I hope it is not so.

  You cannot beg us520, sir, I can assure you, sir, we know what we know.

  I hope, sir, three times thrice, sir--

  BEROWNE Is not nine?

  COSTARD Under correction, sir, we know whereuntil523 it doth

  amount.

  BEROWNE By Jove, I always took three threes for nine.

  COSTARD O lord, sir, it were pity you should get526 your living by

  reckoning527, sir.

  BEROWNE How much is it?

  COSTARD O lord
, sir, the parties themselves, the actors, sir,

  will show whereuntil it doth amount. For mine own part, I

  am, as they say, but to perfect531 one man in one poor man:

  Pompion532 the Great, sir.

  BEROWNE Art thou one of the Worthies?

  COSTARD It pleased them to think me worthy of Pompey the

  Great. For mine own part, I know not the degree535 of the

  Worthy, but I am to stand for536 him.

  BEROWNE Go, bid them prepare.

  COSTARD We will turn it finely off538, sir, we will take some

  care.

  Exit

  KING Berowne, they will shame us: let them not approach.

  BEROWNE We are shame-proof, my lord, and 'tis some policy541

  To have one show worse than the king's and his company.

  KING I say they shall not come.

  PRINCESS Nay, my good lord, let me o'errule you now.

  That sport best pleases that doth least know how:

  Where zeal strives to content and the contents546

  Dies in the zeal of that which it presents547,

  There form confounded makes most form in mirth548

  When great things labouring perish in their birth.

  To the King

  BEROWNE A right description of our sport, my lord.

  Enter Braggart [Armado]

  Armado and the King talk apart

  ARMADO Anointed, I implore so much expense551 of thy royal

  sweet breath as will utter a brace552 of words.

  PRINCESS Doth this man serve God?

  BEROWNE Why ask you?

  PRINCESS He speaks not like a man of God's making.

  ARMADO That's all one556, my fair, sweet, honey monarch, for, I

  protest, the schoolmaster is exceeding fantastical, too too

  vain, too too vain. But we will put it, as

  Gives him a paper, which the King looks over

  they say, to fortuna de la guerra559. I wish

  you the peace of mind, most royal couplement560!

  [Exit]

  KING Here is like to be a good presence561 of Worthies. He

  presents Hector of Troy, the swain Pompey the Great, the

  parish curate Alexander, Armado's page Hercules, the

  pedant564 Judas Maccabaeus.

  'And if these four Worthies in their first show thrive,

  Reads

  These four will change habits566 and present the other five.'

  BEROWNE There is five in the first show.

  KING You are deceived, 'tis not so.

  BEROWNE The pedant, the braggart, the hedge-priest569, the fool and the boy.

  Abate throw at novum570, and the whole world again

  Cannot prick out five such, take each one in's vein571.

  KING The ship is under sail and here she comes amain572.

  Enter [Costard as] Pompey

  COSTARD I Pompey am--

  BEROWNE You lie, you are not he.

  COSTARD I Pompey am--

  BOYET With leopard's head576 on knee.

  BEROWNE Well said, old mocker, I must needs577 be friends with thee.

  COSTARD I Pompey am, Pompey surnamed the Big--

  DUMAINE The 'Great'.

  COSTARD It is 'Great', sir--

  Pompey surnamed the Great,

  That oft in field,

  With targe583 and shield,

  Did make my foe to sweat.

  And travelling along this coast585, I here am come by chance,

  And lay my arms586 before the legs of this sweet lass of France.--

  If your ladyship would say, 'Thanks Pompey', I had done.

  To the Princess

  PRINCESS Great thanks, great Pompey.

  COSTARD 'Tis not so much worth, but I hope I was perfect589. I

  made a little fault in 'Great'.

  BEROWNE My hat to a halfpenny591, Pompey proves the best Worthy.

  Enter Curate [Nathaniel] for591 Alexander

  NATHANIEL When in the world I lived, I was the world's commander:

  By east, west, north and south, I spread my conquering might.

  My scutcheon594 plain declares that I am Alisander--

  BOYET Your nose says no, you are not, for it stands too right595.

  BEROWNE Your nose smells 'no' in this, most tender-smelling596 knight.

  PRINCESS The conqueror is dismayed.-- Proceed, good Alexander.

  NATHANIEL When in the world I lived, I was the world's commander--

  BOYET Most true, 'tis right: you were so, Alisander.

  BEROWNE Pompey the Great--

  COSTARD Your servant, and Costard.

  BEROWNE Take away the conqueror, take away Alisander.

  To Nathaniel

  COSTARD O, sir, you have overthrown Alisander

  the conqueror. You will be scraped out of the painted cloth604

  for this. Your lion that holds his pole-axe sitting on a close-stool605

  will be given to Ajax606. He will be the ninth Worthy. A

  conqueror and afraid to speak? Run away for shame, Alisander.

  There, an't shall please you,

  Nathaniel steps back

  a foolish mild man, an honest man, look you, and soon

  dashed610. He is a marvellous good neighbour, in sooth, and a

  very good bowler. But for Alisander, alas, you see how 'tis --

  a little o'erparted612. But there are Worthies a-coming will

  speak their mind in some other sort613.

  PRINCESS Stand aside, good Pompey.

  Exit [Costard]

  Enter Pedant [Holofernes] for Judas and the boy [Moth] for Hercules

  HOLOFERNES Great Hercules is presented by this imp615,

  Whose club killed Cerberus, that three-headed canus616,

  And when he was a babe, a child, a shrimp,

  Thus did he strangle serpents in his manus618.

  Quoniam he seemeth in minority619,

  Ergo620 I come with this apology.--

  To Moth

  Keep some state621 in thy exit, and vanish.

  Exit boy [Moth]

  Judas I am--

  DUMAINE A Judas!623

  HOLOFERNES Not Iscariot624, sir.

  Judas I am, ycliped625 Maccabaeus.

  DUMAINE Judas Maccabaeus clipped626 is plain Judas.

  BEROWNE A kissing traitor627. How art thou proved Judas?

  HOLOFERNES Judas I am--

  DUMAINE The more shame for you, Judas.

  HOLOFERNES What mean you630, sir?

  BOYET To make Judas hang himself.

  HOLOFERNES Begin, sir: you are my elder632.

  BEROWNE Well followed: Judas was hanged on an elder.

  HOLOFERNES I will not be put out of countenance634.

  BEROWNE Because thou hast no face.

  Pointing to his face

  HOLOFERNES What is this?

  BOYET A cittern-head637.

  DUMAINE The head of a bodkin638.

  BEROWNE A death's face in a ring639.

  LONGAVILLE The face of an old Roman coin, scarce seen640.

  BOYET The pommel of Caesar's falchion641.

  DUMAINE The carved-bone face on a flask642.

  BEROWNE Saint George's half-cheek643 in a brooch.

  DUMAINE Ay, and in a brooch of lead.644

  BEROWNE Ay, and worn in the cap of a tooth-drawer.

  And now forward, for we have put thee in countenance646.

  HOLOFERNES You have put me out of countenance.

  BEROWNE False, we have given thee faces.

  HOLOFERNES But you have out-faced them all649.

  BEROWNE An thou wert a lion, we would do so.650

  BOYET Therefore, as he is an ass, let him go.

  And so adieu, sweet Jude. Nay, why dost thou stay?

  DUMAINE For the latter end653 of his name.

  BEROWNE For the ass to the Jude? Give it him: Jud-as, away!

  HOLOFERNES This is not generous, not gentle, not h
umble655.

  BOYET A light for Monsieur Judas656! It grows dark, he may stumble.

  Holofernes steps back

  PRINCESS Alas, poor Maccabaeus, how hath he been baited!

  Enter Braggart [Armado as Hector]

  BEROWNE Hide thy head, Achilles. Here comes Hector in arms658.

  DUMAINE Though my mocks come home by me659, I will now be merry.

  KING Hector was but a Troyan660 in respect of this.

  BOYET But is this Hector?

  KING I think Hector was not so clean-timbered662.

  LONGAVILLE His leg is too big for Hector.

  DUMAINE More calf664, certain.

  BOYET No, he is best endued in the small665.

  BEROWNE This cannot be Hector.

  DUMAINE He's a god or a painter, for he makes667 faces.

  ARMADO The armipotent668 Mars, of lances the almighty,

  Gave Hector a gift--

  DUMAINE A gilt670 nutmeg.

  BEROWNE A lemon.

  LONGAVILLE Stuck with cloves.

  DUMAINE No, cloven673.

  ARMADO The armipotent Mars, of lances the almighty

  Gave Hector a gift, the heir of Ilion675;

  A man so breathed676 that certain he would fight, yea

  From morn till night, out of his pavilion677.

  I am that flower--

  DUMAINE That mint.

  LONGAVILLE That columbine.

  ARMADO Sweet Lord Longaville, rein681 thy tongue.

  LONGAVILLE I must rather give it the rein, for it runs against Hector.

  DUMAINE Ay, and Hector's a greyhound.684

  ARMADO The sweet war-man685 is dead and rotten. Sweet

  chucks, beat not the bones of the buried.686 When we breathed

  he was a man. But I will forward with my device.687 Sweet royalty, bestow on me the sense of hearing.

  To the Princess

  [Costard] steps forth

  PRINCESS Speak, brave Hector: we are much delighted.

  ARMADO I do adore thy sweet grace's slipper.

  BOYET Loves her by the foot691.

  Aside to Dumaine

  DUMAINE He may not by the yard692.

  Aside to Boyet

  ARMADO This Hector far surmounted Hannibal.

  The party is gone694--

  COSTARD Fellow Hector, she is gone695. She is two months on her

  way.

  ARMADO What meanest thou?

  COSTARD Faith, unless you play the honest Troyan, the poor

  wench is cast away: she's quick, the child brags699 in her belly

  already. 'Tis yours.

  ARMADO Dost thou infamonize me among potentates701? Thou

  shalt die.

  COSTARD Then shall Hector be whipped for Jaquenetta that is

  quick by him and hanged for Pompey704 that is dead by him.

  DUMAINE Most rare Pompey!

  BOYET Renowned Pompey!

  BEROWNE Greater than great, great, great, great Pompey!

  Pompey the Huge!

  DUMAINE Hector trembles.

  BEROWNE Pompey is moved. More Ates710, more Ates! Stir them,

  or stir them on!

  DUMAINE Hector will challenge him712.

  BEROWNE Ay, if a have713 no more man's blood in's belly than