Perilous Assurance

  ******

  "Please leave your tests on my desk as you leave. Wednesday, we'll begin to recap the semester's material that will be covered in your exam. And, don't forget that your research papers are due this Friday." Mattie gazed at her afternoon class as they got up from their desks, and filed out, laying their papers on the corner of her desk as they passed by. When the last student had left, she sighed and gathered up their tests, suddenly feeling very tired. A week. He'd been gone a week and not a word. She frowned and sighed again as she gathered up her materials and put them in her shoulder bag.

  She pulled the hem of her light green blouse down over her long, flowered skirt and lifted her face to the warm, spring air, and headed down the stone steps of the Stanley Arts Building. Her skirt swirled aorund her as she nodded and walked past a couple of students heading toward her on the sidewalk, and she glanced to her right for a moment at the evergreen tree, and sighed.

  The vision of him the night of the first protest would stay in her mind forever...dark...mysterious...compelling. She loved him. She knew she loved him. Why did it have to be so difficult? Why had he made it so damn difficult for her? Tears came to her eyes, and she lowered her head as she passed several more students, then turned onto the sidewalk that led to the faculty housing.

  Once she was beyond the quad, she brushed back her hair and lifted her head and forced herself to look at the gorgeous sky, the birch and maple trees just now greening, and the daffodils starting to peek out from the mulch around the tree bases. She closed the heavy gate behind her and as she approached her home, saw her neighbor heading down the steps.

  "Hi, Mattie. Is everything okay?"

  Mattie took a deep breath as she saw that Joyce was eyeing her with a puzzled look on her face.

  "Yes, Joyce, I'm fine," she smiled benignly at the young woman, and that seemed to satisfy her.

  "Well, I'm off to a volleyball game."

  "Have fun." Mattie forced another smile and waved as her neighbor headed toward the campus. She climbed the stairs slowly, and lifted the mailbox's metal flap. After pulling out several envelopes, she unlocked her door and entered, and after closing the door, flipped through the envelopes. Seeing nothing of interest, she dropped them on the front table with her keys, and laid her shoulder bag on the sofa as she headed toward the kitchen. She stopped on her way and chose a record of violin concertos and slid it onto the spindle, and dropped the needle onto the first groove, then went into the kitchen. She leaned her cane against the counter as she peered into her fridge. There was some chicken she could reheat for dinner tonight, then she needed to get those test papers graded.

  Mattie sat on the sofa and chewed a bite of the chicken breast, as she squinted down at one of the tests on her clipboard, and made a notation next to an incorrect answer. With four weeks to go now, she knew the students were getting a little antsy, and they definitely had spring fever. She listened to the soothing music and looked up, tapping her pencil against the clipboard, as her mind wandered to Clay again, and she tried to imagine what Cape Breton looked like in spring. She sighed, slightly annoyed with herself for not checking out that book on Nova Scotia from the campus library the last time she'd been there. She shook the thoughts out of her head, and looked down at her unfinished meal. She just didn't have much of an appetite since he'd left. She got up and gathered up her plate and utensils. The doorbell rang just as she was setting her plate in the sink and she headed back out to the living room.

  "Fran!" Mattie stared at her friend, standing at her door, dressed in jeans and a red tee shirt, holding a bottle of wine in her hand. "It's late. Is everything all right?"

  "Yes, I'm fine, but I'm worried about you." Fran swept past her. "You've been in a funk the last few days. Don't think it hasn't been noticed."

  "That's true..." Mattie sighed as she closed the front door, and they headed for the kitchen. "I'll get the glasses while you open the bottle. Cheese and crackers?"

  "Yes, that sounds good." Fran peeled off the wrapper and inserted the cork screw.

  "Where's Jerry?"

  "Oh, he had a meeting with his poker buddies."

  "Now, that's strange, Fran. I never knew he played poker." They carried everything into the living room, and set the items on the coffee table.

  "Well, I'm assuming that's where he is."

  "What?" Mattie's eyes flew open at that. "What are you getting at?" She poured them each a glass of the chilled white wine and sat on the sofa and Fran made herself comfortable in the plump beige chair by the fireplace with a small plate of the cheese and crackers.

  "Nothing, Mattie...nothing at all." Fran laughed dismissively and narrowed her eyes as she brushed her gray bangs to the side and smoothed her short hair. "Besides, I'm not here to talk about me. I'll get right to the point. I want to know why I don't see a packed suitcase by the front door."

  "Fran, it's complicated." Mattie tucked her leg under her and took a bite of cheese.

  "How so?" Fran sipped her wine. "You either want to be with Clay or you don't. That sounds pretty uncomplicated to me." She set her wine glass on the side table, and selected a slice of cheese and set it atop a cracker.

  "I have obligations here." Mattie sighed. "I can't just pick up and leave. I can't jeopardize my career." She sipped her wine.

  "Why not?"

  "Why not?" she leaned forward earnestly. "I've worked so hard to get to this point. I love my job. I love where I'm living now. I've not asked him to give up his career for me."

  "Didn't he ask you to join him just for the summer?" Fran's blue eyes narrowed as she swallowed and sipped her wine.

  "Yes, Fran, but I think he and I both know that if I do join him there, it will turn out to be more than that."

  "And that scares you?"

  "Yes," she sighed. "I guess it does." Mattie sipped her wine. "Yet, Fran, at the beginning, I told him I'd follow him anywhere," she sighed and eyed her friend. "I've let that giddiness slip away, I'm afraid, in favor of a more realistic view of things."

  "A realistic view of things? For what? Your job here at Brooksford?" Fran leaned forward, her glass in her hand. "What will that get you, exactly? A sense of security? A sense of stability?" she laughed. "A small retirement check each month, if you stay here thirty years?"

  "Hmm...I know where you're going with this, Fran." Mattie skewed her mouth up at her friend as she sipped her wine.

  "Jerry and I have been married thirty years. Twenty of those years have been spent at Brooksford." Fran chewed her cracker and sipped her wine thoughtfully. "I wish we'd been more adventurous. After thirty years, things have slowed down quite a bit for us, if you get my drift."

  "You two get around."

  "Not like we did earlier in our marriage." Fran sighed. "You start to get involved with other interests apart from your spouse. Now, what's so bad, is...if there were someone else...I don't think it would even bother me a lick."

  "That's awful, Fran."

  "Well, honestly, Mattie, I think I would be...'okay, Jerry, go have a good time, and I'm happy for you'...and then we'd just go about our daily routine. Things change over time."

  "Fran, I can't believe you're telling me this." Mattie leaned forward and worriedly eyed her friend. "Do you really think Jerry is seeing someone else?"

  "I don't know, honestly. He goes out a lot by himself lately....to meetings...wherever." She shook her head dismissively. "But, this is not about me. Goodness, I can feel this wine already." She brushed her bangs to the side. "It's about you. Just go to Cape Breton, for goodness sakes."

  Mattie leaned her head back a little and stared at the ceiling.

  "You love him, don't you, Mattie?"

  "Yes, I do." Mattie lowered her gaze, and smoothed her skirt. "It just scares me, I guess, to take such a big risk." She eyed her friend. "Before Clay left the other night, he said such awful things..." she sighed. "We both said awful things."

  Fran pursed her lips and blinked thoughtfully. "I won't ask you
to divulge what you said to each other."

  "I don't mind telling you what I said to him. I told him that he had issues and that he picked up and jumped from place to place on a whim."

  "And that, I assume, makes you feel insecure...the idea of jumping from place to place."

  "I suppose it does."

  "How so?" Fran leaned back in the plump chair and took a sip of wine.

  "I do like the feeling of security I have here, Fran. There's nothing wrong with that."

  "Do you see any truth in either of your statements to each other?"

  "Yes, I suppose." Mattie fidgeted on the sofa and took a sip of her wine. She eyed her friend and sighed, a little aggravated at her persistent questioning.

  "You traveled quite a bit when you were younger, so you've told me."

  "Yes, but I like feeling settled now, Fran." Mattie sighed again. "I just do."

  "Yes, but you're young...and this is the time to be adventurous, Mattie. You've still got your master's degree...Clay is an architect." Fran squinted at her. "You'll always be able to make a living. It's about who you want to be with on a daily basis, to put it plainly. Be settled, but be settled with him."

  Mattie sighed. Her complaints sounded so trivial now when she said them aloud.

  "And, every relationship has to have a time of testing...a major argument...a separation...to get past before it gels. Clay's had a rough time the last month, from what you've told me."

  "Yes, he'd taken on others' problems, and it just got to be too much." Mattie tilted her head. "But, he said such hurtful things."

  "He's a good man, Mattie...you know that." Fran poured herself another glass of wine and settled back in the chair. "We all say hurtful things in times of stress to the ones we love. That's a given. I'm sure he regrets saying what he did."

  "Well, I haven't heard from him." Mattie sipped her wine. "It's been a week now."

  "Hmm...and you're not sleeping well, are you?"

  "No, not at all." Mattie felt the tears well up in her eyes, and she looked down at the glass of wine she cradled in both hands. "I miss him terribly, Fran. It's not the same as when he was off at the veteran's hospitals and he would come back to Brooksford on the weekends. Now, I don't know if I'll ever see him again. And it's so upsetting to me that he thinks ill of me. That what he said was how he really sees me."

  "That was his exhaustion talking, Mattie." Fran leaned forward sympathetically. "I think you should give him a chance."

  "What about Jerry?" Mattie wiped her eyes and squinted at her. "You two are so perfect for each other."

  "We are, and that's why I know we'll get past this." Fran laughed. "I know deep down that he's not with someone else. He's too exasperating and bull-headed. No one else would put up with him. We'll work out this little bump in the road. Couples sometimes need their time alone, I think. I probably get on his nerves at times." She laughed at that and sipped her wine. "Imagine that."

  "I hope you work it out." Mattie smiled. "You two are meant for each other, you know."

  "Exactly...and so are you and Clay." Fran eyed her seriously. "Jerry and I can see it as plain as day when the two of you are together." She shook her head. "If you two don't get together again, it would be a tragedy." She laughed. "We both need to reread Pride and Prejudice. That book applies to so many aspects of a relationship."

  Mattie stared somberly at her friend, sipping her wine and sighing as she thought about it.