Clear

  Eventually, he retreats first, his breathing ragged, when he takes his lips from mine. I’m worried though because he looks so terribly confused. He still holds my head in his hands and starts running his fingers over my face, tracing my lips, seemingly searching for something.

  “What is it?” I ask.

  He rubs the raindrops from under my eyes and continues to study me. “I don’t know. I feel you…so much. More than I should. You just got here, and…it was only last night that…” Sam gives me a small smile.

  Sunlight bursts through the misty air and falls between us. I reach up and tuck his hair behind his ears, making him smile even more. “I feel the same thing. This connection.”

  Then, I am in his tight embrace again, and we stay this way, breathing and holding on to each other, until the sun shower passes.

  “I’ll see you tonight,” he says.

  “Yes.”

  “I’ll make risotto.”

  I’ve seen risotto served at plenty of my mother’s functions, but I’ve never tasted it. I’m stupidly scared to tell Sam this. “I’m sure it’ll be delicious.”

  “Maybe it will be. Maybe it won’t.” He touches a finger to my nose. “You’ll decide.”

  MY TRIP TO THE MALL turns out to be less of a nightmare than I thought, and my car is filled with shopping bags. It’s true that I had to keep veering away from the styles my mother would wear, but with a little determination, I am now the very happy owner of a decidedly comfortable collection of clothing.

  If the salesperson at Banana Republic gets paid on commission, she was probably damn pleased with me. Soft cotton shirts¸ pullover hoodies, wrap sweaters, and flowy tanks and sundresses for the warm weather that’s approaching. And jeans! I bought jeans at every store I went into. Jeans and I are going to have a full-on love affair. As much as I have a fondness for Sam’s clothes, I feel good about the girl clothes that I wear out of the store. I also feel damn good about having a new phone with a new number that nobody knows.

  Before my five o’clock hair appointment with Kelly that Sam made for me, I stop into Tail Spin, a small restaurant that reminds me of an Irish pub. I’ve never been inside any, but with all the wood booths and dark beer, it’s what I imagine one might look like.

  The owner, Pete, seems to take a liking to me and buys me a beer on the house. This is the first time that I’ve eaten today, and I inhale the fish and chips that come with malt vinegar and huge fries before getting a second beer, liquid courage for this hairy adventure I’m about to take. I let out an undeniably large belch and giggle. My mother would have a fit over my manners, but Pete gives me an air high five from behind the bar.

  Just before I walk into Kelly’s salon, Girl to Girl, I send Sam a text, so he has my new cell number. I sort of liked not having a phone, but it seems stupid not to. A new number, however, maintains my clean start. He texts back a picture of himself with white paint all over the front of his shirt with a message that assures me he will shower before dinner. I’m still smiling when I go through the front door. I mean, how can I not? The thought of Sam in a shower…all wet and soaped up…

  Oh my God, I have to stop.

  The salon is tiny, but it’s got such personality with wild artwork hanging on every available inch of wall space. Each of the four client chairs is covered in black-and-hot pink leopard print, the front desk is littered with figurines and small toys, and various chimes and feathery things dangle from the ceiling. It’s clutter at its best, and I have no doubt that Kelly is someone who knows herself well.

  “Hi, I’m Stella. I have an appointment with Kelly,” I say.

  “Aha! The famous Stella. Come on over, and grab a seat. I’m Kelly.”

  Sam’s sister is tall and striking. Thick jet-black curls frame her face and then fall wildly toward her waist. Not to mention, she has a body I’d kill for. If I could pull off wearing that outfit, I’d be thrilled. Her red leather pants and tight black tank top are practically glued to her body.

  She stands behind me when I sit in the chair and rests her hands on my shoulders. “You’re renting the apartment at Sam’s place, huh?”

  I love her husky voice. She’s both assertive and warm, and I am immediately at ease.

  “Yeah. I just sort of up and moved and landed here.”

  “Well, he seems pretty happy about it, so I’m happy about it.” She runs her fingers through my hair. “What are we doing today? I gather you had a little fun with scissors.”

  I clear my throat. “I, perhaps, might have had a small fit and chopped off my hair, so I need to be rescued.”

  “Not rescued. Just shaped. And maybe we can get rid of the color on the ends. Just take you back to more of your natural root color? A dark brown with some lighter chestnut pieces? You’ve got nice curls for a shorter cut. Kind of a pinup-girl look but without being whorish.”

  The wide silver bracelets on each of her wrists make me think of Wonder Woman. I’m in good hands.

  Two hours later, I stare at the mirror in disbelief at my transformation.

  Kelly frowns and sets her hands on her hips. “Well, shit. You hate it. What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing. It’s perfect.” I’m too dumbfounded to say anything else. I feel like me, like how I’m supposed to look.

  “Yay!” Her hands cheer in the air. “You look hot, not that you didn’t look hot when you walked in here, mind you. But now, you look really hot. If Sam wasn’t clearly obsessed with you and if I didn’t already have a girlfriend, I just might hit on you. As it is, you’re now relegated to hot-sister status.”

  I can’t help from laughing, and I turn my head up to her and grin. “So, um…Sam is…obsessed with me?”

  She shrugs. “My sullen, angry mopey brother is finally acting like a human being again. He won’t admit that it’s because of you, but I knew it had to be when he called and ordered me to take care of you. I couldn’t get him off the phone. Even before that, over the last several days, he’s been calling me and bringing me coffee and shit. I knew something was up.”

  Kelly looks at my reflection in the mirror, and I hold her eye contact.

  “Your hair is on the house today. You gave me back my brother.”

  I try to figure out how I should respond, to ask how she lost him—or how he lost himself—when I am jolted by a terrifying crash, and the entire front window of the store virtually explodes in a firestorm of glass. Before I can react, Kelly grabs my shoulder and pulls me to the floor as crystal pellets fly across the room. Outside the salon, someone yells something that I can’t understand, and the sound of a car peeling out echoes through the now eerily silent street.

  “Goddamn it!” Kelly screams. Her fingers dig into me before she pushes herself to a stand. “You okay?” she asks.

  My heart is pounding, but I look up at her and nod. I’m not hurt.

  A slender young woman flies in from a back room. “Jesus Christ. Again?”

  Kelly sighs angrily. “When is this shit going to end?”

  “I don’t know, babe.”

  Kelly reaches down, and I slap my hand into hers.

  She pulls me to a stand and says, “Stella, this is my girlfriend. April, meet Stella.”

  April shakes her head, and neon-red hair falls across one eye. “Not how I wanted to meet Sam’s chick, but hi. Are you okay?”

  “Yes,” I say, my voice shaky. “Just a little freaked out. Doesn’t seem like the glass made it this far.”

  Kelly crunches over the wreckage in her black wedges and picks up a good-sized gray rock. “Fuckers. Last time, it was a brick. They could at least try for a bit of originality. You know, a big butternut squash or something.”

  “This has happened before?” I ask. “Do you want me to call the police?”

  “No,” Kelly and April answer back together. They look at each other with some kind of unspoken conversation.

  April shakes her head. “It was a while ago, but Sam—”

  “It won’t do any good,” Kelly cuts
her off, shooting her a look. “Trust me. The cops can’t fix any of this. I’ll get Dylan down at the hardware store to help replace the window. It’ll be okay.”

  “What…what’s going on?” I move my gaze back and forth between them. “Are you guys all right?”

  Neither says anything. Kelly is seething as she takes a broom and dustpan and then begins furiously sweeping glass.

  April’s face is now awash with sadness and concern. “Kelly, stop.” But her girlfriend continues to maniacally push around chunks of glass, even as April softly touches her arm. “Sweets…stop.”

  “No! We have to clean it up. Now. I don’t want him to see or hear about this.”

  “Look, I’ll do it. I’ll get it done fast. I’ll call about replacing the glass, and we’ll get it fixed tonight. Kelly, get out of here. You don’t have to deal with this.” She looks to me, her eyes begging for help. “Stella…can you…”

  “I’ll go with you, Kelly,” I offer. I feel as though I’m suddenly caught up in something that is none of my business, but I do want to help if I can.

  Kelly stands still in the pile of glass, her fingers white-knuckling the broom handle. “Okay.”

  Pete from the bar appears outside the storefront as we’re leaving. “Aw, Kel. Damn it. I’m so sorry, my girl. Get out of here. Drinks are on me. I’ll help April.”

  She nods as he pats her back.

  Kelly storms a few doors down to the bar, and I have to scurry to keep up with her. It’s hard to tell if she even wants me to stay with her, but now, I feel an obligation to watch over her, so I slip into the booth. She strums her nails on the table until two tequila shots arrive. I’m not particularly in the mood to drink any more, but I sling one back with her. She raises her hand for two more, and the bartender nods her way.

  “Do you want to talk about what happened?” I ask softly. “Or not. That’s okay, too.”

  Kelly can’t seem to look me in the eyes. She’s tapping the empty shot glass on the table and taking slow deep breaths to calm herself. After drinking her second shot and mine, which I passed to her, she lifts her head. Although I can see that she’s fighting them, tears fill her eyes.

  “The rock through the window? That wasn’t because of me, and it wasn’t because of April and me. In case you were wondering, this is a gay-friendly town, and no one gives us any crap. Half the tourists this summer will be gay. You’ll see.”

  “You don’t have to explain. I understand if—”

  “You need to talk to Sam,” she says firmly. “It’s his story, not mine.”

  Another round of shots arrive, and again, I pass even though I could probably use it.

  “He needs to talk. God, he needs to talk. He won’t let me help him, but he might let you.”

  An hour and a half later, I pull up the driveway to the white house on the hill. I don’t bother to unload my bags from the car because I just want to find Sam. He didn’t answer my texts or calls, so I rap on his front door. I still haven’t been inside his place, which suddenly feels extremely strange. I listen for sounds that he might be working outside, but it’s eerily quiet this evening. Still, I sense that someone is watching me, yet I don’t see Sam when I turn and scan the front area of the house.

  I check the wraparound porch, and while he’s not there, I do see his silhouette out on the dock. The sun is setting now, the light spectacularly beautiful, and the shape of his figure is so immediately relieving. Before reaching him, I can tell his mood has changed dramatically from what it was earlier today. A bleakness in his aura is palpable. He must have heard about the window, and I’m dreading this conversation. The incident in town has me nearly sick to my stomach.

  Old dock boards creak beneath my shoes, but Sam doesn’t turn back. He won’t even look at me when I sit down next to him and hang my feet over the lapping water. He holds a half-empty bottle of whiskey in one hand. My worry only increases when I touch his arm, and he pulls away.

  “Sam…” I start.

  “You know, don’t you?” he says flatly. “Kelly told you.”

  I shake my head. “I know something happened, something happened to you.”

  Sam takes a too-long drink and then corrects me, “I made something happen.”

  I touch his arm again, and this time, he lets me.

  “I’m going to tell you because you’ll find out anyway. That’s inevitable even though I pretended it wasn’t. Then, you’re going to hate me, the way most people in this town do.”

  “Sam, I could never hate you.”

  “Yes, you will.”

  Now, he angles his face, and I can see how pained his expression is.

  “For about ten minutes, I got to feel good again, good with you, and that’s going to end. Of course. And I can’t fucking stand that, Stella, because you are a relief in this fucking insane world. I felt it the second I saw you, and it scared the hell out of me. But it was there, as clear as day.”

  His eyes are red, and I’m not convinced it’s from the booze.

  “For reasons I can’t begin to understand, I am whole again with you. After everything, I get to feel whole. And now, it’s all going to blow up. Another bomb detonating in my life.” He laughs, but it’s filled with anguish. “My fucking life.”

  The slight slur in his words tells me that he’s had more than enough to drink, so I take the bottle from his hand. Sam must know he’s had enough, too, because he doesn’t stop me.

  But he does begin telling me his story, “I used to have a best friend, Costa. We grew up together, here in Watermark. We were practically brothers, especially because his parents were complete dirtbags. It was that classic shitty situation with abusive parents, neither of who gave a shit about him. My parents loved him though, and he slept over all the time and ate dinner at our house most nights. The whole nine yards. He was so awesome. Charismatic and funny and all”—Sam waves a hand around—“hero-like, you know? I looked up to him. Costa became sort of stupidly iconic in my head. I mean, his energy, his constant need to push limits, to be the life of the party…he always was, too. Everybody worshiped him, including me.

  “When he was nineteen, and I was off in college, he was still living here and working on the lobster boats. He got his girlfriend, Britney, pregnant. She took off after the baby was born, which was probably for the best.” He leans in and whispers, the drunken edge evident, “I didn’t like her much.”

  Sam lies back on the dock and squints into the glare of the setting sun. “He had a little boy, Toby. He was the cutest damn kid ever, and Costa was so crazy about him. Toby had Costa’s eyes, the same deep, deep blue. Like little storms. Little storms of mischief.

  “Costa had an apartment right near the inn, and my parents and Kelly helped him out a bunch. Costa took that kid everywhere he could. He even drove up to see me at school once. Who brings a baby to a college dorm, right? But Costa did.

  “I loved Costa, and I loved Toby. When I was home from college on a short February break, I took them up to this cabin that my parents have a few hours from here, in Willow, just to get Costa out of town, take some time to be together with him and Toby. It was supposed to be a weekend that brought us back together. But there was an accident.”

  Sam throws an arm over his eyes, maybe because of the sun and maybe to protect himself from his words. “Toby was a little over a year old. Just a tiny guy. He used to run everywhere all the time. We were always chasing that kid around, and he never tired out. One morning, I was supposed to get up with Toby because Costa…because Costa wanted to do an early ski run. He woke me up before he left, but I passed out after that. I’d been up drinking hard the night before, and I just…I just crashed.

  “Costa came back…and I can still hear him screaming. I can still hear him screaming because Toby was gone. I was supposed to be watching him, but instead, he got out of the house, probably looking for his dad. When Costa and I were running around outside, both of us frantic and calling Toby’s name, we saw his little footprints in the s
now, going down toward the lake. That kid could walk and climb over everything. He was so smart. The lake…it was iced over…or it looked iced over. At about ten yards out, there was…a hole in the ice. A little…kid-sized hole.”

  “Oh God, Sam.”

  “We broke through more ice, and we went into the water, trying to find him. We did everything. Stella, we did everything, and he was gone.”

  Sam rubs his arm over his eyes, and my heart breaks for him.

  “It was a weak spot in the ice, but the rest was too thick, and they couldn’t dredge the lake then. And in the spring…even then, they couldn’t find his body. There could have been bears or…other animals. God, he was so little…” Sam’s voice cracks and sounds increasingly ragged.

  “Costa left Watermark soon after. I can’t say that he hated me or that he didn’t love me anymore even though he should have, but he certainly couldn’t stand to look at me. I was his best friend and the person who should have been comforting him, but that was obviously impossible. I don’t know. Maybe he did hate me. Maybe he just hated the world then.

  “I stayed here because my family couldn’t stand for me to leave when I was such a mess. So, I drank my way through it and slept with too many tourists who floated through town, which just kept making it worse. And that’s it. I lost everything.”

  Without hesitation, I rest my head on his chest and hold him. There are no words to make his story any easier, so I say the only thing I can, “I told you I couldn’t hate you.”

  It takes a moment, but then he says, “You must. Everyone else here does.”

  “The window at Kelly’s? That can’t be how everyone feels. Sam, you never wanted this to happen. It was a horrible accident.”

  “What I wanted to happen, who I loved, and what I tried to do? That doesn’t matter. It only matters that my best friend’s son is dead. And everyone knows it. I’m not allowed to be sad. I’m only allowed to be hated. But Costa will always have it worse. Always,” Sam speaks so softly now that I can barely hear him. “It’s wave after wave of pain. Just when I almost forget, for even a short time, I am hit in the face with what happened. I stay in town because my parents and Kelly want me to They try to make me forget. When you came, you brought me to life. But you’ll go away, too.”