That Night

  Then I saw the smudge of dirt on the windowsill, near the potted fern. I stared at the spot, tried to remember if the dirt had been there before. I checked Harley’s face. Had he noticed? He started walking toward the window. My body felt hot all over. I glanced at Angie. Her cheeks were also flushed, her eyes shiny like she might cry. Harley was reaching out toward the plant.

  I rested my head against the doorframe, closed my eyes, felt like crying too. I was screwed. Two days out and I was going back to Rockland.

  “Your window’s leaking,” Harley said. “I’ll have someone look at it.”

  I opened my eyes. Holy shit, he hadn’t noticed the dirt.

  At the doorway he gave us both a hard look. “I don’t know what you two did with the stuff, but we’ll be watching you.”

  When we heard his boots going down the stairs, I walked over and felt around in the plant. My fingers touched something round and soft. I pulled out a small bag of marijuana. We both stared at it.

  “Shit, she really has it in for us,” Angie said.

  I hid the drugs in my shampoo bottle. When the kitchen cleared out and I heard voices in the backyard, where Angie said Helen and the girls liked to smoke, I went down and made myself some soup. Then I walked to an NA meeting, dropped the marijuana in a Dumpster on the way. I was feeling good when I got home later. Though I wasn’t an addict, I’d come to enjoy the support of twelve-step programs and had made some friends that way in Rockland, plus I’d learned some stuff. I was hoping the same thing would happen on the outside.

  I was getting ready for bed when Helen came into my room.

  “I know you got my fork, Murphy.” She looked around, her eyes stopping at the plant. I’d drawn a smiley face on a piece of paper and balanced it on the leaves.

  She turned to Angie. “You think you’re funny?”

  I stepped in front of her. “Fucking hilarious.”

  She glared down at me. “Give me my shit back.”

  “You fuck with either of us again, Harley’s going to be searching your room. And I’ll make sure he finds something interesting.”

  She grabbed the front of my shirt and brought her face down close to mine. I met her eyes, tried not to recoil from the sour smell of her breath.

  “You’re screwing with the wrong person,” she said.

  “I’m just getting started.”

  She let go. At the door she turned and said, “I won’t forget this.”

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  CAMPBELL RIVER

  JULY 1996

  After graduation, I started working full-time at the Fish Shack. I didn’t see Nicole much because she was usually at the beach with Shauna and the girls. Sometimes, when I was leaving the house for work, they were outside waiting for her. They’d laugh and call out taunts when I walked to my car, but only when my parents weren’t home—sometimes they were hanging around the kitchen, using our phone and drinking all our pop, their high-pitched voices setting my teeth on edge. It was easier to ignore them now, though, easier to just smile and walk away. School was over and Ryan and I were starting our new lives. Soon we’d get out of Campbell River and I’d never have to see those bitches again.

  We’d been getting some hang-ups at my house, never when my parents were home, only when it was me and Nicole. She’d look nervous when she saw me answering the phone, and I wondered if it was that boy calling again. If it was one of the girls, they’d say something mean, and they called often. Nicole spent even more time over at Shauna’s now, staying overnight a lot of weekends.

  One night, I heard the doorbell ring and answered it. Frank McKinney was dropping Nicole off, one arm holding her up. She could barely stand, her eyes glassy, her clothes messed up, the smell of beer rolling off her.

  “Can I talk to your parents, Toni?” he said.

  I called for them, and they came to the door. I pretended to leave but stood just out of sight at the top of the stairs so I could hear what was going on. McKinney was apologizing to my parents, saying he’d come home from work and found that the girls had all been drinking. They’d gotten into some of his beer.

  “I’ve already spoken with Shauna, and it won’t happen again.”

  My mom sounded really upset when she said, “Please go to your room, Nicole, and we’ll talk about this in a minute.”

  Nicole stumbled past me at the top of the stairs, her face angry and embarrassed, then disappeared into her room.

  Downstairs, Mom said, “I’m so sorry she acted like that in your home.”

  “It’s normal for kids to experiment at this age.” McKinney’s voice was calm. “You don’t want to come down too hard on them or they’ll just start hiding it.”

  My mom nodded, her gaze intense on McKinney’s face, as though he held all the answers. “Daughters, they can be so challenging sometimes.”

  “They sure are.” He leaned against the side of the doorjamb, one hand resting on his utility belt, his head cocked as he smiled down at my mom. “But you’ve got a good one there. I don’t think you need to worry about her.”

  “Usually she’s so responsible. I just don’t know what got into her.…” My mom looked up and saw me at the top of the stairs. “You don’t need to be here right now, Toni.”

  As I walked away, I heard her say, “What did I just say about challenges?”

  After McKinney left, I heard my parents talking to Nicole in her bedroom. They didn’t sound that angry, though, more surprised and embarrassed that a policeman had driven their daughter home. Nicole apologized and said, “I won’t do it again. I just wanted to try a few sips and I didn’t realize how much I’d had until I started feeling weird.” My parents went on for a while about responsible drinking, and Nicole agreed with everything they said, her voice contrite.

  When I opened the bathroom door an hour later, I caught her staring at herself in the mirror, wearing just her bra and panties, her eyes soft and dreamy, her hand pressed to her lips like she was savoring something.

  “Jesus, Toni, can’t you knock?” she said when she saw me, then shut the door quickly.

  I wondered if there’d been a boy over at Shauna’s, but Nicole never really talked about guys in general. She didn’t even have posters up of rock stars or actors—if anything, she talked more about women she admired. Part of me wondered if she was messing around with one of the girls—if that was the big secret. I’d heard rumors that the girls fooled around with each other sometimes, usually just to tease boys. But I remembered Shauna teaching me how to kiss, her soft, cherry-flavored lips pressed against mine. Though Kim was the more obvious choice, I’d never noticed her and Nicole being overly affectionate. I considered snooping through Nicole’s room, then remembered how much I’d hated it when Mom did that to me once. And since the night when Nicole helped me get ready for grad, we’d just been doing our own thing and getting along okay. It made me uneasy, but if I started to pry that would just create another war.

  After the night Nicole came home drunk, she started sneaking out more and staying out later—I wouldn’t hear her footsteps on the roof sometimes until three or four. One morning, around seven, I knocked on her door to ask if she’d seen a pair of my sunglasses. She was usually up by then, so when she didn’t answer I got suspicious and opened her door a crack. Her bed was empty, but a few pillows were stuffed under the blankets to look like a sleeping body. I was standing there, trying to figure out what to do, when my mom called up the stairs.

  “Did you still want a ride to the beach, Nicole?”

  I hesitated, then yelled down, “She’s sleeping.”

  I held my breath, half expecting Mom to come upstairs, but she muttered something about teenagers and left the house. Dad was already at work. When Nicole crept in through the back door a half hour later, I was waiting in the kitchen.

  She stopped when she saw me, her eyes widening. I could see her mind working, thinking up lies, wondering if I knew she was only just coming home.

  “Why are you sitting there?” she sa
id.

  “Where have you been?”

  “I went for a walk.”

  “Seriously? You can do better than that. You’re still wearing makeup from last night.” It was faded and smudged, but she was definitely wearing eyeliner, and her clothes, a short jeans skirt and white tank top, weren’t walking clothes.

  She dropped the act. “Does Mom know?”

  “No, I told her you were sleeping.”

  She looked relieved. “Thanks.”

  “Yeah, well, I shouldn’t do anything nice for you. Not after how you treat me. What were you doing all night?”

  “None of your business,” she said, and tried to walk past me.

  I stepped in front of her. “It is my business when you’re staying out this late and I’m lying for you. I don’t want to tell Mom and Dad, but if something bad happened to you…”

  “Nothing’s going to happen to me.”

  We held gazes, her eyes big and innocent. I considered dropping it, but I still had that uneasy feeling. “You’ve been acting weird—for, like, months.”

  “Everything’s fine, I’m just—” She stopped herself.

  “You’re just what?”

  “I’m having fun, okay? You sneak out all the time.”

  “I’m older than you. And fun can lead to trouble sometimes.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Puh-lease. You’re starting to sound like Mom.”

  My face flushed. “I’m not anything like her.”

  Nicole pushed past me. “Then don’t act like her.” At the stairs she looked back at me, softened her voice. “Don’t worry about me, Toni. Really, I’m fine.”

  * * *

  The next weekend, Nicole said she was going camping with Shauna and the girls. Rachel’s parents were taking them all and picking her up while both my parents were at work. Nicole had her gear down by the front door and was sitting in the living room, waiting for them, while I made myself a coffee in the kitchen.

  “I thought you were supposed to be at the restaurant,” she said.

  I glanced at her, saw how nervous she looked. Something was up. I had been about to tell her I was leaving in five minutes, but I decided to say, “I don’t have to be in for another hour.”

  She blinked in surprise, stood up and looked out the window, then back at me. Her panic was obvious.

  “What’s going on, Nicole?”

  She tried to look casual, hooking her fingers in the belt loops of her jeans shorts. “Nothing. Rachel’s parents are late.”

  I sat on the couch. “Maybe I’ll wait with you.”

  “Fine,” she said. But I could tell she was freaking out, a fine sheen of sweat making her face glow. She glanced at the phone.

  “Do you need to make a call?” I said.

  She glared at me, but I could see her thinking. “Maybe I’ll call and make sure things are okay.” She walked over to the phone, dialed a number.

  “Hi, it’s me. I just wondered if your mom was coming soon?” She paused for a moment, then said, “Okay, I’m just hanging out with my sister.… No, she doesn’t have to be at work for an hour.… See you then.” She hung up the phone and walked back to the living room. “They’re running a little behind.”

  “Who are you really meeting?”

  “I’ve already told you, Rachel’s parents are picking me up.”

  I took my coffee to the kitchen and picked up the phone. “Then I guess if I hit redial I’ll hear one of them answer, right?”

  Before I could do anything, she ran over and shoved me hard, pushing me into the edge of the counter. I was so surprised that I dropped the phone. We both reached for it at the same time, struggling as we scrambled on the floor. She was stronger than I remembered, but I was finally able to straddle her.

  I held the phone up in the air, started fumbling for the button.

  “Toni—please!”

  Nicole’s face was so desperate and panicked that I hesitated, the phone still in my hand. I really wanted to know who she’d called, but then I noticed the diamond flower pendant sitting in the hollow of her throat. I’d never seen her wear it before. It must have slid up from under her shirt during our fight.

  “What’s going on with you?” I said.

  She started to cry. “It’s a secret, okay?”

  “Are you sneaking off to see that boy from the party?” I pointed to the necklace. “Did he give you that?”

  She nodded, tears rolling down from the sides of her eyes. “He’s in college, okay? Mom and Dad wouldn’t approve of him. We want to spend the whole weekend together. You understand, right? It’s like you and Ryan.”

  I sat back on my heels, still straddling her. “I don’t lie about him being my boyfriend.” I narrowed my eyes, thinking. “What else is wrong with him?”

  She hesitated, then said, “He works for Dad.”

  Holy shit. Mom and Dad would be so pissed if they knew she was messing around with one of their employees. I tried to think which one it might be, but Dad had a lot of young guys working for him on a few different job sites.

  I handed her the phone, then stood up and glanced at the clock. “Is that the time? Oops, I think I screwed up. I do have to leave for work now.”

  She jumped up off the floor, her hands on her hips. “You bag. You were just messing with me!”

  “It’s not fun, is it?” I grabbed my purse and keys, then paused at the door, looking back at her. “Are you okay, going off with this guy? Some of Dad’s workers, they’re pretty sketchy.”

  She nodded. “It’s totally safe—we just want to be alone.” Her face was pleading. “Don’t tell Mom and Dad. I love him, and they’ll make us break up.”

  I thought of my own relationship with Ryan, how I thought I’d die when they grounded me for that month and I couldn’t see him as much.

  “I won’t.”

  Later, at the restaurant, I wondered if I should have found out where they were going. What if this guy did something to her? Should I tell my parents what she was really doing? They’d flip, and I’d have hated it if she ratted me out. Despite how shitty she’d been that summer, Nicole was still my sister.

  * * *

  A few days later I was at the beach with Amy, relaxing and enjoying the sun, talking about our guys. Ryan and I had looked at some apartments, feeling very mature as we discussed pros and cons of the various buildings and locations. Amy was jealous because her boyfriend didn’t want to move in together yet. Amy and I had been getting closer as I slowly let down my guard, and it almost felt like old times that day. Eating chips, reading magazines, laughing.

  Then Shauna, Cathy, and Nicole showed up.

  I don’t know where Rachel and Kim were, but they both had summer jobs. Kim was now living full-time with Rachel. She’d gotten kicked out of her home in July, but no one was really sure what had happened. I had a feeling it had something to do with her being gay—her mother was supposedly a religious fanatic.

  Amy and I were sitting on our blankets and talking as they walked by.

  “Hi, Amy,” Shauna said.

  Amy said, “Hi,” and Shauna moved on.

  I shot Amy a glare and she gave me an apologetic look, whispering, “It was just reflex.” It bugged me that she was still so nervous about Shauna—that we were both nervous.

  The girls spread out their towels a few feet away from ours.

  I said to Amy, “We should just get out of here.”

  We both stood and started gathering our things. I was wearing a new black tankini—which Ryan loved—and I was feeling pretty good until I overheard Shauna say, “She still doesn’t have any boobs. Poor Ryan!”

  Cathy started laughing and said, “Maybe she’s saving up for a boob job!”

  I glanced over, ready to tell them off, but was distracted when I saw Cathy pouring a wine cooler into her plastic cup. Now I realized that all of the girls had the plastic cups, in bright colors, straws poking out from the top. Nicole’s face also had a telltale shine and she fumbled as she reached fo
r her suntan lotion.

  I turned to Amy. “Screw them—they’re all drunk. Let’s stay for a bit.”

  “You sure?” She glanced over at the girls, looking freaked out—which made me angrier. Why should we be so damn scared of them?

  “Yeah, I’m not running away from her.” Truth is, I kind of wanted to keep an eye on Nicole. I didn’t like that she was drunk like that, especially out in public. And it was only noon. When had they started drinking?

  We sat back down. A couple of times I went to the water for a swim, but it took all my strength to walk with confidence, hearing the whispers and giggles from where the girls were sitting. I noticed that Nicole was quiet, though, almost seemed depressed. She’d laugh, but it sounded fake, and a couple of times I saw Cathy and Shauna roll their eyes at her. Were they starting to pick on her?

  I went for another swim, and when I got back to my towel, Amy’s face was tense. “I want to leave. They’re saying awful stuff about us.”

  “Okay.” I started gathering up my things, shaking out my towel. I was tired of them glaring at me anyway. We could just go to another beach. If Nicole did something stupid, that was her problem. But I still glanced over at her, checking to see if she was drunker, and noticed she was staring at the parking lot, her eyes narrowed like she was trying to see something better.

  Shauna turned too. “Shit, what’s my dad doing here?”

  Now I saw the black pickup parked slightly around the corner.

  Nicole was covering her drink. “Should we hide the—”

  “I’ll handle this.” Shauna left her drink out in the open and said to Nicole and Cathy, “Stay here and don’t say a word.”

  She walked to the parking lot, spoke to her dad through the window for a moment. He drove off and she walked back to the girls.

  “He was just seeing if we wanted a ride home, but I told him we’re okay.” She noticed me watching. “What are you staring at?”

  She was so confident, so sure that she could get away with whatever she wanted. She wasn’t even worried that her dad had almost caught them drinking. What else were they getting away with? What else were they getting Nicole into?