What the Doctor Ordered

thought about taking up art?

  Watching TV is too stressful, in future

  Please read in a nice quiet spot

  Or play opera songs

  Or maybe mahjong

  Let me see, yes I think that's the lot.

  I stumbled away from his office at last

  In shock from his well-meant harangue

  Who wants to survive

  With that sort of life?

  I would rather go out with a bang!

  My Little List

  Now I'm out of hospital I simply can't resist

  The opportunity to sit and make a little list

  Of things that really irritate and people hard to tolerate

  I've put them on my list

  Yes, they all are on my list

  There are orderlies who push your bed and bump it into doors

  Or tip you from a wheelchair as they speed across the floors

  Or abandon you to lie neglected in the corridors

  I've put them on my list

  Yes, they all are on my list

  There are those who come around for blood and cannot find the vein

  And keep on trying while you lie there biting back the pain

  Then tell you insincerely that you'll soon be well again

  I've put them on my list

  Yes, they all are on my list

  There are doctors who come rushing in to stand around your bed

  And prod you roughly with their fingers from toe tip to head

  Then give a grunt as they depart when not a word's been said

  I've put them on my list

  Yes, they all are on my list

  There are nurses who ignore your bell all day and half the night

  And shine bright torches in your face which wake you up in fright

  And think that they know everything and that they're always right

  I've put them on my list

  Yes, they all are on my list

  And then there are the most expensive senior specialists

  Who on a range of painful and degrading tests insist

  Inserting tubes and instruments in every orifice

  I've put them on my list

  Yes, they all are on my list

  And last of all the kitchen staff who hold a special place

  In memory of the truly awful meals I had to face

  The food that they inflict on patients is a sad disgrace

  I've put them on my list

  And now I'm getting a cup of tea

  Old Age

  I’ve turned into an elephant

  My hair has gone quite grey

  I’ve noticed that my body

  Sags a little more each day

  My legs are thick and swollen

  Which isn’t very nice

  I plod around quite slowly

  And I’m terrified of mice

  My hearing’s packed its bags and gone

  My vision’s rather blurred

  But there’s one consolation

  I’m the same as all the herd

  One For the Road

  I walked in through the doorway of The Natural Health Boutique

  The shelves held jars and packets piled high

  A sweet young lady smiled at me as I began to speak

  And offered me a herbal drink to try

  I wanted to decline but she was earnest and insistent

  She handed me a large recycled cup

  The mixture smelled appalling but to please the young assistant

  I retched and held my nose and drank it up

  I hastily refused the chance to purchase several litres

  Although the price, she said, was very low

  I was feeling rather nauseous when she offered something sweeter

  Extracted from the roots of mistletoe

  I refused the offer with my best apologetic smile

  Explaining that I'd come into the store

  To get some water, whereupon she gestured to an aisle

  With bottles stacked from ceiling to the floor

  We have water full of minerals collected from a bore

  To improve your circulation and your ski

  There is water from the Himalayan Mountains and there's more

  From Hawaii that will help to keep you slim

  This one here is drawn up from a river underground

  It is filtered through a natural limestone rock

  While here's a most invigorating water that is found

  In Scotland from a sheltered inland loch

  There's a bottle here of H2O distilled from melted snow

  And a sparkling water good for the digestion

  I can recommend this bottle from a stream in Idaho

  Two litres every day is my suggestion

  When it comes to drinking water you should buy the very best

  To aim for good hydration is the thing

  We have a special water here that has been fully blessed

  It is taken from a secret sacred spring

  There is water here from Canada, from Baghdad or Peru

  Some swear that France is held to be the best

  Would you like to buy a bottle of our local Mountain Dew?

  Or choose another one from all the rest?

  She paused at last to take a breath; I bellowed in frustration

  And stamped upon the floor as she recoiled

  I only need a can of water – here's the situation

  My car's outside – the radiator's boiled!

  Patients

  I'm sitting in the waiting room

  I wish I wasn't here

  At the speed which they are working

  I'll be sitting here next year

  The magazines I've read before

  And all the posters too

  Most of them have been around

  Since 1982

  I'm sitting in the waiting room

  I think they're running late

  It's nearly twelve o'clock

  And my appointment was for eight

  Here on the seat beside me

  Reclines the local vet

  I think he died last Wednesday

  They haven't noticed yet

  I'm sitting in the waiting room

  I think I'm going to sneeze

  I've obviously caught from here

  Some terrible disease

  The doctors don't look healthy

  The receptionists look worse

  At this rate I'll be trading

  My Toyota for a hearse

  I'm sitting in the waiting room

  With feelings of despair

  I know I'm going to pick up fleas

  Or head-lice in my hair

  Or aids or scarlet fever

  Even whooping cough or mumps

  I'm trying to secretly inspect

  My body parts for lumps

  I'm sitting in the waiting room

  It's full of broken bones

  It's hard to hear the radio

  Above the cries and moans

  The nurses smile as yet more patients

  Stagger through the door

  Please take a seat and wait they say

  And don't bleed on the floor

  I'm sitting in the waiting room

  It must be my turn soon

  Instead of saying good morning

  By now it's afternoon

  Can you hear that old man screaming?

  He must be very ill

  Oh no, of course it is because

  They've handed him the bill

  Remember Me

  Do not grieve that I have gone

  Instead remember me in song

  The lilting tune of a lullaby

  The laugh of a child and a baby's cry

  Remember me in the flowers that bloom

  A starry night and a shining moon

  The warmth of sun and a rainbow's arc

  The glitter of frost and a candle's spark

  Remember me in the
doves' soft call

  The tumbling splash of a waterfall

  The warm caress of a trouble shared

  The final step to a summit dared

  Remember me in the swirl of dance

  A barefoot walk on new-cut grass

  The taste of apples crisp and sweet

  The thump of drums and the tap of feet

  Remember me in a helping hand

  The shine of shells in drifting sand

  A well-read book and a canny rhyme

  The glow of a fire in wintertime

  In all these things remember me

  I live on in your memory

  The melodies of life go on

  So do not grieve that I have gone

  Scanning Matters

  Oh dear, what can the matter be?

  I know of several places I'd rather be

  I have been sitting around here since half past three

  Waiting in line for my scan

  Oh dear, what can the matter be?

  I haven't eaten since last night at six for tea

  I drank three bottles of contrast so I would be

  Fully prepared for my scan

  Oh dear, what can the matter be?

  I need quite badly to visit the lavatory

  I hope my bladder's as full as it ought to be

  Ready for having my scan

  Oh dear, what can the matter be?

  I hope that it will be my turn eventually

  It's nearly tea-time, at last they have called for me

  I'm going through for my scan

  Oh dear, what can the matter be?

  All the machines here are beeping in harmony

  They've called the specialist in to examine me

  What have they seen on my scan?

  Oh dear, what can the matter be?

  Now the scan's done I can stagger out thankfully

  All of the problems were due to a student, he

  Turned the wrong dials on the scan

  Oh dear, what can the matter be?

  My scan was clear so they said I was sure to be

  Healthy and so I'll make sure that I never see

  This place again if I can

  Taxing Times

  I went to the council on Wednesday, last week

  I walked to the desk but before I could speak

  They said Here’s a survey, please fill in this form

  Make sure it’s in triplicate, that is the norm

  Form filling makes me feel anxious and stressed

  But I sat down and wrote down my name and address

  I heaved a great sigh as I chewed on my pen

  And wished I was living in olden times when

  This passion for paperwork hadn’t begun

  And dogs could sleep happily, stretched in the sun

  Instead, numbered, neutered and treated for fleas

  It’s; enter their intimate details here, please

  Put your own in as well, plus a number to phone

  And list all possessions you hire or you own

  Tax code and postal code, date you were wed

  How many, and who goes to sleep in your bed

  Please put all the details below in this space

  Of how many children reside at this place

  Your postal address and your residence too

  Your lawyer, in case we are tempted to sue

  Do you have licenses for your TV?

  You are on our computer, we’ll check up and see

  I found it was such a temptation to cheat

  When they said; also known as; I put Peg Leg Pete

  Sex, please tick here, yes, I’ll have some of that

  For partner I put in the name of my cat

  The form duly filled I went back to the desk

  Before I could open my mouth to protest

  They said Take a seat over there and relax

  While we calculate all that you owe us in tax

  I finally cracked, with a scream I replied

  All I wanted was change for the meter outside

  The Belly Dancer

  Feeling tired and middle aged, I thought I'd have a treat

  And made myself a luscious, creamy, chocolate cake to eat

  Gazing at my spreading hips I wondered with a sigh

  If I should do some exercise to slim my bulging thighs

  I waved my children off to school and made a cup of tea

  Then glancing at the paper I was quite surprised to see

  A notice advertising belly dancing classes so

  I thought I'd buy a costume then I'd be prepared to go

  With cash and credit card in hand I hastened down the road

  And trawled the local shops for treasures, buying quite a load

  I smeared my eyes with kohl and outlined lips in cherry red

  And combed my hair out, weaving it with beads and golden thread

  I wore a padded bra bedecked with sequins, beads and spangles

  And slipped upon my wrists a sparkling multitude of bangles

  I pulled on baggy harem pants that fell in satin folds

  While round my hips I draped a coin belt, hung with swags of gold

  Snatching up a gauzy veil I drove off to the hall

  Dancing classes this way, said the notice on the wall

  Expectantly I swayed and jangled down the corridor

  With beaming smile I turned the handle of the studio door

  Twenty little faces turned to stare at me in fright

  From twenty little girls arrayed in leotards and tights

  Mumbling an apology, red faced I crawled away

  It wasn't belly dancing they were teaching, but ballet

  The Bridge Club Christmas

  It was the final meeting of the Bridge Club for the year

  They organised a Christmas meal, a very good idea

  Then Alison suggested, and Rayma she agreed

  That a little wine would add a certain something to the feed

  June called, brandy, for a start, while Sheila yelled, red wine.

  Frank and Mary thought liqueurs to finish would be fine

  Muriel and Maureen filled the glasses to the brim

  Truss gulped, bottoms up, as Vic said, Let the play begin.

  Cherry gave a hiccup as she loudly bid one spade

  Around the room a chattering of opening bids were made

  Edith giggled nervously, I think the room is spinning

  It’s the ceiling fan, said Ineke, now concentrate on winning.

  Richard led the four of hearts which Joan then trumped in glee

  Kay played her card, said Snap, that’s mine, and beamed triumphantly

  Pam decided she would overtrump her partner Len

  But it’s No Trumps, he wailed, but alas, she trumped again.

  Ross and John were trying to concentrate on beating Jel

  While Dorothy was draining a carafe and looking ill

  Rosalie put down the queen of clubs; I’ve gone mahjong

  Announced Lorraine, who then would not admit that she was wrong

  Merle, Merlene and Marie were all tiddly to the gills

  When Barry called Canasta, it gave them quite a thrill

  Rosemary and Nola both ganged up to take down Neil

  While Judy passed out on the floor before her turn to deal

  Rex called David, Dummy, he replied, well, so are you

  Then Roger got belligerent and threatened he would sue

  Thelma played the joker I have won! Len gave a cheer

  They all agreed it was such fun they’d do the same next year

  The Decorator Blokes

  If your house is tired and tatty and you need a colour scheme

  We’re the very folk to call on who will help achieve your dream

  If your furniture is tatty and your feng shui is a joke

  You need our team of fast and friendly decorator blokes

  We can build and we can hammer, we can strip and we can paint r />
  At upholstery we are magic while at vacuuming we ‘ain’t

  We can turn a boring room into a visual symphony

  While the video records us. Look at me! Look at me!

  We can turn a normal kitchen to an underwater scene

  We will toss in white crushed gravel and we’ll paint your windows green

  We will ask for your ideas but we know ours are the best

  We will toss out half your furniture and mutilate the rest

  We will cover wooden panelling with ragged bits of tin

  We will fingerpaint the doors and dress the bed in tiger skin

  We will knock out all your cupboard doors and put in chicken wire

  We will cut off all your chair legs while your bed we rebuild higher

  We will take out fireplaces so in winter you will freeze

  We will put in tented ceilings so you walk round on your knees

  We will rip up all your carpet and we’ll paint the floorboards black

  As we wave goodbye, you’ll sigh, for we are never coming back

  The Demonstration

  One morning to Endoscopy a student doctor came

  A gastroenterology career was her aim

  The two presiding doctors, Doctor S and Doctor C

  Were comparing recent cases as they drank their morning tea

  The student's eyes were large and blue, her lips were soft and red

  A mane of blonde and shining curls cascaded from her head

  She was young, slim and attractive; Doctor S was most impressed

  By her low and plunging cleavage and her short revealing dress

  He heard to his annoyance Doctor C begin to boast

  Of all procedures recently performed, I've done the most

  The student's gaze fixed on him and he hastened to explain

  Naturally I'm faster as I'm younger, was his claim

  Perhaps you'd be my teacher? asked the student with a smile

  I have so much to learn that I will be here quite a while

  I hope you'll personally instruct me in each new technique

  She blushed as she admired his handsome face and strong physique

  Doctor S, disgruntled, thought it obvious that he

  Deserved her whole attention due to seniority

  Come and I will demonstrate how my procedures run

  Between the two of us you'll see there's no comparison

  Doctor C informed you that his last gastroscopy

  Took half an hour, with longer for a colonoscopy

  I'll halve that time, said Doctor S and as the student gasped

  He added, If you've questions please don't hesitate to ask

  He strode to the procedure room and paused beside the desk

  The receptionist smiled weakly as he barked out, Who is next?

  As he spoke a nervous lady knocked upon the door

  Explaining she was late because she'd missed the corridor

  We have no time to talk today, glared Doctor S and said

  Get her in a gown please, nurse, and put her in a bed

  Despite her feeble protests the patient was wheeled in

  Where Doctor S stood favouring the student with a grin

  Watch and learn, he told her, as I swear you'll never see

  A gastroenterologist who works as fast as me

  He began the colonoscopy, the patient moaned in pain

  The nurse asked, Maybe we should put sedation in her vein?

  It's too late for sedation, Doctor S snarled with a frown

  Now I'll try the top; I see no problem lower down

  Please hold the patient firmly as I take a look inside

  The nurses blocked their ears as the patient wailed and cried

  He plunged the scope inside the patient's mouth; the student gasped

  Surely you should wash it first? she tentatively asked

  We do not have the time for that, Doctor S informed her

  But if she keeps on moaning we may have to chloroform her

  He raced through the esophagus and through the sphincter then

  The stomach and the pancreas and the duodenum

  He whipped the scope out, saying to the student by his side

  I'll bet you've never seen that done before. He swelled with pride

  Now if you want to learn a lot you'll come and work with me

  I am here four days a week from eleven until three

  I've changed my mind, the student doctor stammered. I will try

  A career in Psychology. Thank you and goodbye

  The Old Bag

  It was a sunny Thursday when we ladies made a start

  To exercise our talents in the field of porcelain art

  We shared our paints and knowledge of both new and old techniques

  And displayed the projects we’d completed in the past few weeks

  The Art Room hummed with chattering as over cups of tea

  We talked of food and families and gossiped avidly

  Stella won our raffle of a box to decorate

  Majorie won paintbrushes and Guinivere a plate

  At last it came to pack up time; the first to leave was Lynn

  Then Dawn and Audrey close behind departed with a grin

  But as the rest of us began to gather up our gear

  Gael called, My bag is missing but I’m sure I put it here.

  We looked where she was pointing by the table at the chair

  The chair, alas, was empty; Gael’s handbag was not there

  What a flurry of activity ensued as all of us

  Searched our boxes and our tables and the cupboards in a fuss

  But of the bag